Tuesday, February 03, 2004
For a full and complete investigation
I will not rest until I find out precisely who was responsible for that Super Bowl halftime show, what they knew, and when they knew it. A tip of the hat to FCC Chairman Michael Powell, who has pledged to pursue this matter to the uttermost. As a man, and as an American, I can say that there is nothing that so disturbs and repels me, in the course of watching a televised contest of foot-balling, as the sight of a woman’s naked bosom. Soldier on, Chairman Powell. Let the truth be known, though the heavens fall.
In other news, I am alarmed beyond measure to learn that our nation’s intelligence agencies may have connived to lead us into an ill-advised war. Apparently the blog-o-world is all a-flutter at recent revelations that the Central Intelligence Agency, for reasons unbeknownst to ordinary citizens like myself, deliberately led our good President and Vice-President to believe that Saddam Hussein was an imminent threat to our safety. Fie, fie on the rascals! To what levels of depravity will they not sink? Picture if you will our elected officials, entrusted as they are with protecting our homes and families, on the day they are “briefed” by these dastardly warmongers:
Dastardly warmongering CIA official: So you see, Mr. President, there is no question that Saddam Hussein possesses vast stores of weapons of mass destruction, and has no compunction whatsoever about using them against us at the first opportunity.
The President: I just don’t know-- frankly, this Niger document looks to me like a forgery, and we have no hard evidence of any manufacture of chemical or biological weapons since the last investigations of UNSCOM. I say we give the inspectors more time.
DWCIA official: I’m afraid that’s not possible, sir. The storm is threatening. You saw what he did to those innocent people in Halabja. Are you willing to take that kind of chance with the people of Houston?
The Vice-President: A chemical attack on Houston!? Bite your tongue! Certainly there is no call for that kind of irresponsible talk! National security is far too important a matter to permit the bandying-about of speculative-- nay, hysterical-- scenarios of apocalypse.
The President: I have to agree. The question of whether to go to war is the most grave decision I must face as the duly elected representative of the American people, and I insist that we continue to seek other means for adjudicating the many disputes of this troubled region. Above all, we need to consult with our many allies to determine whether they would join with us in finding alternative means of isolating and containing Saddam.
DWCIA official: Saddam cannot be contained, sir. There are innumerable trailers and pipes strewn throughout his land, any one of which could help him to rain destruction on us within 45 minutes of his say-so. And our allies are-- not to put too fine a point on it-- pusillanimous, sir. There is no strength, no surety to be found in them.
The President: What you say leaves me uneasy in mind. I must give this matter further thought.
Messrs. Wolfowitz, Feith, and Perle (in unison): Do not judge this matter rashly, sir. Vice-President Cheney is right-- our dealings with the Arab world after September 11 are very serious business, and we need to proceed with wisdom-- not with the half-baked schemes of rogue elements in our nation’s intelligence apparatus.