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Thursday, November 13, 2008

The whole world’s only source

If I were a better blogger—nay, if I were a better person—I would have seen the Fafblog interview with John McCain when it was published ‘way back on the 2 of November.  Had I only known that McCain promised Fafblog that he would “rescue America and, and take her for my demon bride,” I would have reconsidered my infatuation with Barack Hussein “The One” al-Obama.  And that would probably have tipped the gates of Hell rural Pennsylvania decisively to McCain, not to mention Indiana, Virginia, North Carolina, Iowa, Ohio, and Florida.  And also New York, because I grew up there and my blog is hugely influential in the outer boroughs.  Trust me on this one.

I apologize to Fafblog, and to history.

But by the time you read this, Jamie and I will be off on our Latest Adventure:  a trip to Nebraska and South Dakota.  Why do we keep going west, you ask?  Why else?  To undermine Western Civilization!  In the meantime, we leave you with the immortal words of, um, Fafblog:  Oh no! Not Western Civilization! That’s where all my friends live!

Posted by Michael on 11/13 at 09:29 AM
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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

On birth certificates and Bill Ayers

Some people think that Camille Paglia has a column at Salon because Paglia has some deeply incriminating photos of David Talbot.  But I think that Camille Paglia has a column at Salon because (a) back in the 1990s, guys like Talbot were charmed by her contrarian contrarianicity and (b) now, everyone else in the English-speaking world truly enjoys watching her make an abject fool of herself.  It’s kind of cruel in a way, and yet I doubt that anyone can say she doesn’t deserve it.

I hear that Slate and Salon might team up to create a whole entire Special Edition Extra Deranged Internet, with Gregg Easterbrook as chief science reporter and Camille Paglia as senior political analyst.  Sort of like Pajamas Media, only without the pajamas.

Posted by Michael on 11/12 at 12:49 PM
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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

MeTubes

Now that this blog has singlehandedly swung the election to Barack Hussein al-Obama,* it is time for me to move into my Stealth Agenda™ phase.  Following the plan Obama and I hatched almost thirty years ago when I recruited him to come to Columbia from Occidental College and meet Bill Ayers on my twentieth birthday, I am going to begin to form the Campus Cadres that will introduce students to Islamic Socialism and smash U.S. global hegemony once and for all, while President-Elect Obama does an incredibly elaborate head-fake by suggesting that he wants to keep Joe Lieberman in the Democratic caucus.

I just have to add, on a note of profound exhaustion and relief, that it has not always been easy for Obama’s backers to clear the way for his ascendancy to the Presidency.  That egomaniac and former Black Panther Bobby Rush refused to get with the program back when we were trying to implement “Project New Panther” in 2000, and George Soros had a devil of a time finding someone willing to convince Jack Ryan to take his then-wife Jeri to those Paris sex clubs in the 1990s so that Ryan would eventually drop from the Senate race in 2004 to be replaced by professional lunatic Alan Keyes.  If I recall correctly, George used to call that one “Project Completely Unexpected Turn of Events.” Yes, it sounds funny now.  But dear readers, do you have any idea how much it costs to bribe court officials into opening a sealed divorce file?  Of course you don’t.  Ah, what a long strange trip it’s been, eh, George?

Anyway, this means, among other things, that this humble (but hardworking) blog is going to move to a more relaxed, leisurely posting schedule.  I invite my readers to take a cue from the stuffy, aggrieved older gentleman in the opening train scene of A Hard Day’s Night, and announce to all and sundry, “I read this blog regularly!  Twice a week!  So I suppose I have some rights!” (That’s at the 6:45 mark, for those of you in a hurry.)

And you know, there’s so much to life besides blogging!  There’s also vlogging and clogging and plodding!  Last week I made my Bloggingheads debut, talking with Will Wilkinson about the election and the Campus Cadres and such things, and yesterday I learned that the plodcast of my talk at the conference on Cognitive Disability as a Challenge to Moral Philosophy is now up and available for viewing on a computer near you.  These clips are of great historical interest, since they represent the long-awaited unveiling of my 1.0 reading glasses (the Walgreen’s pair at the conference, the Target pair for Bloggingheads).  I will add only that I actually shaved for the Bloggingheads segment, and Mr. Wilkinson apparently did not.  Then again, he looks kind of charming and devil-may-care, whereas until I shaved I looked merely slovenly.  I take some solace, however, in the fact that my ghostly looming head is as creepy and ginormous as it ever was.

The whole segment is 68:31, a bit long for Bloggingheads but still under the running time of A Hard Day’s Night.  The highlight of the exchange, I think, comes when I say to Will, “and don’t take that tone with me, young man!  I fought the war for your sort,” and he snaps back, “I bet you’re sorry you won.” That’s at 7:30, for those of you in a hurry.

________

* Seriously: if you look at the polling history, you’ll see that according to the highly influential GWU/Battleground poll, McCain was up by 2 points nationally just before I returned to blogging on September 29.  The next GWU/Battleground poll, taken right after the return of Mister Answer Man, shows Obama up by 8.  QED, folks.  The final GWU/Battleground poll has Obama up by 6, and he won by 6.5.  Remember, correlation is closely correlated to causation, and many people in Washington have built entire careers on cherry-picking poll numbers like this.

Posted by Michael on 11/11 at 02:03 PM
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Monday, November 10, 2008

Democratic Concern Trolls Voice Concern About the Future of Democratic Concern Trolling

Falls Church, VA—Citing “clear and present dangers to the party,” a group of leading Democratic concern trolls gathered over the weekend to express their concerns about recent Democratic victories at the polls.  The group, calling itself “Concerned Democrats for America,” announced in a press release that it would hold annual conferences throughout Barack Obama’s presidency in an attempt “to keep the Democratic Party in touch with the concerns of the American people.”

“Obama’s election is a historic event,” said former Clinton advisor Lanny Davis, co-chair of the newly-formed Fox News Democrat Caucus.  “But I’m concerned that Obama may have raised expectations too high.  What will happen when he has to face down the left-wing Congressional leadership or the Daily Kos brigades, who will undoubtedly try to goad him into adopting a narrowly partisan agenda?  I worry that Obama won’t have the courage to cut those people loose when he needs to.”

Journalist Amy Sullivan agreed, adding, “I’m hearing a lot of concerns about where the Democratic party goes from here.  Specifically, I’m concerned that fewer Democrats are going to be willing to take seriously the concerns of people who want to reach out across the aisle and establish a bipartisan consensus that abortion is wrong.  What will happen when the party is no longer concerned about these people’s concerns?  Based on what I’m hearing, I have to worry that it will back itself into increasingly radical and unpopular positions on this important issue.”

Other members of the Concerned Democrats focused more on the 2008 electoral map than on “hot-button” social issues.  Democratic strategist David “Mudcat” Saunders, in a plenary address to the group, noted that Obama had managed to make inroads into traditionally Republican southern states such as Virginia and North Carolina, while sweeping Ohio, Florida, Iowa , and even Indiana, which had not voted for a Democrat since 1864.  “There’s a real problem looming here,” said Saunders, “even if most Democrats don’t want to face it right now.  As the Republican party increasingly becomes the party of old white people living in Appalachia, the Ozarks, and the barren windswept areas of the Louisiana Purchase, Democrats are going to be less and less inclined to listen to advisors who insist that the Democratic Party must choose leaders who are white male Southern Baptists familiar with barbeque, NASCAR, and the music of Lynyrd Skynyrd.  I’m especially concerned about what will happen to the party once those advisors’ concerns are no longer given a prominent hearing.  Will Democrats stop trying to appeal to conservative Southern whites?  Will Democrats become instead a regional party, confined to the northeast, the Middle Atlantic, the Great Lakes and upper midwest, the mountain southwest, and the Pacific states?  All this talk about the Latino vote and the Jewish vote may be obscuring the importance of the Bubba vote, and that concerns me, as it should you.”

Former Senator and newly-elected CDA president Bob Kerrey summed up the concerns of many participants in his closing remarks, noting that “America is still a center-right country.  Every map confirms this simple fact: when you look at the United States, you see that most people live in the center and on the right side of the map.  That’s why the Democratic Party needs preening, distinguished center-right elder statesmen who model themselves on Daniel Patrick Moynihan—now more than ever.”

Posted by Michael on 11/10 at 05:25 AM
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Friday, November 07, 2008

Operations

As I noted in yesterday’s update, Erick Erickson at RedState has announced “Operation Leper,” dedicated to purging the conservative moment of people who criticize Sarah Palin in the press.  This humble blog salutes the brave warriors of Operation Leper, and offers the following suggestions for other worthy endeavors:

Operation Lemur: dedicated to purging the conservative movement of everyone who knows where Madagascar is.

Operation Go John Galt: dedicated to glorifying conservatism by stiffing waitstaff:

If Obama is elected, maybe in lieu of a tip I should leave a note like the following:

HOPE AND CHANGE FOR AMERICA: Spreading the Wealth Around.

In lieu of a tip, $_____ has been donated to the Re-Elect Obama for President Campaign. Thank you for supporting the man and the movement that are bringing America together!

If enough people leave notes like this, I’m sure it will galvanize waitpeople everywhere in support of The One!

Operation Go John Galt, a/k/a “Operation Asshole,” will also be dedicated to making prank phone calls to taxi companies, dumping large beverages into airport trash cans, harassing baggers in supermarket checkout lines, and leaving hotel bathrooms extra extra messy

Operation Encyclopedia Brown: dedicated to excommunicating everyone who voices doubts about the groundbreaking super-sleuthing research being done to reveal the truth about Bill Ayers’s authorship of Barack Obama’s books and Obama’s long history of association with the shady Galadriel Project, which was established by Malcolm X and ACORN with the goal of establishing Elvish rule over all of Middle-Earth.

That’s a good start.  Now, over the weekend, let’s try to think up some more important operations to keep these people busy!

Posted by Michael on 11/07 at 02:23 PM
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Thursday, November 06, 2008

Open letter to Governor Palin’s supporters

The election is over.  It’s time to put our differences aside, come together as Americans, and reach out across the aisle in a spirit of bipartisanship.  And so today I address myself to those of you who were so energized by Sarah Palin’s historic campaign.

My friends, do you know what your party is saying about you?  Yes, they’re blaming you for McCain’s defeat—you’ve been hearing that for over a week now.  They’re really starting to dish the dirt on Governor Palin, all because she’s a strong woman who challenges the liberal media. But it goes much, much further than that. They’re talking about abandoning you altogether.

Panicked by the polls, the fickle intellectual and political elites of your party are now arguing that conservatives need to engage in some fundamental rethinking—and that means they’re thinking about tossing you under the proverbial bus.  Colin Powell, Kathleen Parker, Christopher Buckley, David Brooks, Charles Fried, Peggy Noonan—you know, the appeasers and apostates—are clearly more interested in keeping their places at those Georgetown cocktail parties than in standing up for the truth.  And they’re not alone, by any means.  Look at this “What Should the GOP Do Now?” forum at the liberal online magazine Slate, where they’re openly speaking about a “Conservative Crackup.” You’ve got Constitutional scholar and Obama-endorser Douglas Kmiec saying things like this:

It’s admittedly hard to untie the abortion knot, but here’s a thought: Republicans could have moved a constitutional amendment that would presume life to begin at conception, while further providing that no government, federal or state, is competent to legislate on the question absent a supermajority. The effect? Taking the Supreme Court’s “activist” thumb off the scale against life while at the same time avoiding the criminalization of a woman’s freedom. This is not the ideal Catholic position, but it’s closer, and the Catholic Church has less standing to complain about a grant of freedom that could then be fairly influenced by the moral instruction associated with a woman’s religious choice.

I don’t really understand what that means, but it certainly sounds appeasatory, doesn’t it?  What is this liberal talk about “a woman’s freedom”? And then look at Ross Douthat’s followup:

Social conservatives, a group in which I count myself, might profitably meditate on how to disentangle our primary political goal—the protection of the unborn—from secondary issues like, say, abstinence-only education and the debate over evolution and intelligent design, which dovetail too easily with caricatures of religious fundamentalism (as Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin both discovered in the media coverage of their campaigns).

That’s right, Mr. Douthat wants to protect the unborn—but by getting rid of abstinence-only education and letting your children be taught that they’re descended from monkeys.  Why?  Because he’s concerned about media coverage of Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin. You know what comes next, don’t you?  Sure you do—once the Republican party gives up on abstinence and proclaims that we’re “nothing but mammals,” your children will be experimenting sexually in ways you don’t even want to imagine.  Soon they’ll be letting your sons marry boys and your daughters marry box turtles.  And all so these “conservative” elites can keep those precious tax cuts on their capital gains.

Remember, many of these so-called “conservatives” are people who have been to other countries; some of them even speak other languages.  Their vision for the party is correspondingly secular and rootless: they think they need to take back the cosmopolitan, metrosexual counties of places like Colorado and Montana, where they like to vacation.  And they have no respect for you, no respect whatsoever.

Well, I wouldn’t put up with it if I were you.  I’d tell these people to take their Sunday morning talk shows and their Slate forums and their summer homes and join a New Age encounter group if they want to “spend some time in self-examination,” as Douthat puts it.  And I’d go ahead and form a new party, dedicated to the fundamental principles these Rockefeller Republicrats are abandoning.  I would call it the American Party, and it would be a party for real Americans.  No lumbering elephants for the American Party!  Its logo will be a golden eagle clutching a fetus to its breast.  And it will swoop across America, bringing the blessed light of wonder-working Providence to every dark corner of this land.

Let the double-crossing Powells and Parkers and Douthats go their errant ways.  And let the American Party follow the One Way, by the straight and narrow path.

Update: As always, Erick Erickson has the right idea.

Posted by Michael on 11/06 at 08:50 AM
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