Friday, November 03, 2006
ABF Friday: Special Election Edition!
The Dangeral Studies Tour 2006 continues to wreak havoc wherever it goes. Last week, we arrived in St. Louis and promptly rendered that fair city the most dangerous city in the United States. This week, we arrived in Colorado Springs and induced Pastor Ted Haggard to resign his position at the head of the National Association of Evangelicals. Coincidence? There are no coincidences on the Dangeral Tour. Because
There’s a professor who leads a life of Danger,
To all his friends he talks about the Rangers,
Oh, with every move he makes,
Another contingent foundation he shakes,
Odds are he’ll be in your town tomorrow.
I’m still working on line four. Should it be “contingent foundation” or “cultural formation”? Or are there other things out there that need shakin’?
But never mind about me! This blog is not about me. This blog is all about the fortunes of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party, and let me tell you, my friends, the state of the WAAGNFNP is strong.
You’ll recall that we founded the WAAGNFNP last month—contingently, of course—not only in order to escape from the existential dilemma of drafting our “living will” and “advance directive” but also in order to be more nihilist and cynical than even the most devoted eighth-party partisan. “The Democrats are hopeless,” they cried. “Hopeless? We’ll give you friggin’ hopeless,” we replied. And since then, our movement has been expanding like a . . . like a . . . well, I can’t think of what we’ve been expanding like, but it’s been a good month. We resolved the problem of “splitters,” you’ll recall, by realizing that the Giant Nuclear Fireball Party is always already splitting, and yet always already fused. After North Korea’s nuclear test, we resolved the problem of “small fireballs in many countries” as opposed to “one giant nuclear fireball” by noting that from the tiniest nuclear fireball a mighty nuclear fireball may grow. (There remains some residual confusion as to whether GNF stands for “Giant Nuclear Fireball” or “Global Nuclear Fireball.” As your chairman, I declare this to be a distinction without a difference.) And we even initiated proceedings for our very first show trial, complete with some well-crafted show trial tunes.
But thus far we have given relatively little attention to our electoral fortunes next Tuesday, because many of us couldn’t care less about “electoral” “fortunes” as we await the GNF—which, of course, will vaporize all 435 seats in the House and all 100 in the Senate, as well as all state legislatures and county boards and municipal councils and township supervisory committees. (We call this “the clean sweep.”)
And yet, paradoxically, even as we disdain “electoral” “fortunes,” it appears that we are likely to pick up 35 to 40 seats in the House of Representatives. That would give us an infinity percent increase over our current representation in the House, and permit members of the WAAGNFNP to occupy seats on key committes, like Ways and Fireballs.
How did we come so far so fast? Largely, I think, because we are immune to the neocon noise machine and its various machinations. When, for example, Dick Cheney claimed that voting for the WAAGNFNP would damage America’s security by permitting dictators to possess nuclear weapons, the Democrats caved, just as they did two years ago, but we just looked straight into the camera and said, “well, duh.” When Condoleezza Rice said, “we don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud,” we said, “but we do!” And when Christopher Hitchens accused us of being objectively pro-nuclear fireball, we said, “um, exactly what part of our name are you having trouble reading?”
But what’s really going to put us over the top, I think, is the amazing news that
Last March, the federal government set up a Web site to make public a vast archive of Iraqi documents captured during the war. The Bush administration did so under pressure from Congressional Republicans who said they hoped to “leverage the Internet” to find new evidence of the prewar dangers posed by Saddam Hussein.
But in recent weeks, the site has posted some documents that weapons experts say are a danger themselves: detailed accounts of Iraq’s secret nuclear research before the 1991 Persian Gulf war. The documents, the experts say, constitute a basic guide to building an atom bomb.
While this has provided a few of the sharpest snarkmeisters of the liberal blogosphere with comedy gold, thanks to the truly world-historical boneheadedness of illiterate bloggers to their right, we here at the WAAGNFNP hail our security-compromising overlords and their inconceivably stupid enablers on the Internets. We say, unleash the power of the Pajamas! The WAAGNFNP welcomes bipartisanship of all kinds—so long as it ends in a GNF, of course.
So what are you thinking about for next Tuesday?