Friday, October 24, 2008
ABF Friday: Take Five!
It’s the Joe the Plumber Tour! Just in time for Halloween! Hey—if your kid isn’t dressing up as Joe the Plumber next week, why not? Does he (or she!) hate America?
Many of you may not understand what the Joe the Plumber Tour is all about. It’s all about fighting al-Obama-style Islamic socialism, sure, but to understand the full import of the Tour, you really have to watch the full Joe the Plumber episode, which I didn’t do until I caught it yesterday at Ta-Nehisi Coates’s place:
Shame to say, I hadn’t heard Obama’s reply to this guy in full, because I was already so tired of Joe the Plumber thirty minutes into the third debate that I just couldn’t bring myself to watch this clip. But Holy. Mother. Of. Moloch. This is the comprehensive, honest, and respectful answer that Mr. Plumber then turned around and characterized as a “tap dance”? Yeah, sure, everybody jumped all over the “Sammy Davis Jr.” part. But it’s also worth noting the “I didn’t understand a single word he was saying to me” part, because that’s what really matters to most Republicans.
But this isn’t about poor Joe. This is about McCain / Flailin’.
Because this is how the GOP is going to play out the endgame: kicking off a national tour dedicated to all those hardworking ordinary Americans who can’t understand a straight answer about why it makes sense to undo the Bush tax cuts for people making over $250K a year and bump them up from a 36 percent rate to a (gasp!) 39 on income over that threshold. Yes, all you people who see a black politician giving an intelligent, straight-up answer to a question about taxes and who think ah, what’s all this tap dancing bullshit; all you people who hear “spread the wealth around” and think not (as Obama says) of how small businesses need to have customers who can afford their goods and services but of Marxist-Leninists nationalizing the means of production (as opposed to, say, the banking industry); and all you people—advisors, consultants, lobbyists—who see in Obama’s answer a string of four words that afford you a last-ditch opportunity for demagoguery and lying . . . dudes, this tour’s for you.
McCain / Flailin’: We Think You’re Really Stupid. No, Really. We Really Do. We Have Nothing But Contempt For You, Truly. And We Think You’ll Believe Pretty Much Any Crap We Tell You. Don’t Let Us Down, America!
And now for today’s ABF exercise.
Yes, there’s a presidential election of some kind going on. But did you know that at the same time, there are lots of other elections going on simultaneously at the same time? There’s just so much to keep track of, and so many vile and vicious people in public office! It’s a tribute to this great democracy of ours.
So, dear readers, which among these vile and vicious people would you most like to retire from public life forever, and assign to the task of rebuilding U.S. infrastructure, preferably in horizontally-striped black-and-white clothing in the hot sun? I’m going to pick five, but you can do more or less if you like. That too is a tribute to this great democracy of ours!
5. Rep. Michele Bachmann: It’s so great that this woman, about whom I’ve been reading at PZ’s Pad since she was a state senator, is finally getting the national attention she deserves. We can put her to work building “pro-America” high-speed railroads.
4. Sen. Norm Coleman: Paul Wellstone, seven words. By Grabthar’s Hammer, you shall be avenged.
3. Sen. Mitch McConnell: For the children. Think of the children.
2. Rudy Giuliani: All right, yes, I know he’s not in public office and not running for anything (anymore). But for this piece of work, as the culmination of a distinguished career of vileness and viciousness, Mayor Nosferatu deserves a lifetime achievement award. And an especially heavy pickaxe.
1. Sen. Saxby Chambliss: Because anyone with the name “Saxby” is probably in cahoots with bin Laden. Max Cleland, Grabthar’s hammer, avenged, etc.
Oops, I missed Jean Schmidt. I must have taken my eye off the ball.