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Thursday, October 21, 2004

After stunning reversal, Yankees take AL pennant

In what analysts are calling a “bold” and “decisive” move, President George W. Bush today signed an executive order declaring the Boston Red Sox retroactively ineligible for post-season play, thereby awarding the American League pennant to the New York Yankees.

“I said it in 1993, and I’ll say it again today,” Bush told a group of admirers, each of whom had written a 2000-word essay on why they should be allowed to bask in the glory of his presence, “the wild card is bad for baseball.  I said that history would prove me right, and it has.  It always does.  Don’t ask me about ‘mistakes,’ young lady-- that’s a trick question, and don’t think I don’t know it.  The wild card is an exercise in folly, and it must be stopped now before it weakens our nation any further.”

Bush’s remarkable, bold, and also decisive decision came only hours after the Boston Red Sox had scrambled back from a 3-0 deficit to defeat the Yankees in four straight games, winning the climactic game seven in a rout.  The Sox’ dramatic rally was unprecedented in major league baseball history, as is the President’s subsequent reversal of the outcome.

“People don’t want to see a second-place team crowned ‘League Champions,’” Bush explained.  “You can’t send mixed messages.  You can’t flip flop and say, ‘well, one team won one thing but another team won another.’ It doesn’t show leadership.  It doesn’t show resolve.”

Asked by one timid, quivering supporter whether the executive order would also apply to the Florida Marlins, effectively stripping them of their 1997 and 2003 World Series victories, Bush replied that the playoff outcomes of previous years lay outside federal jurisdiction.  “I believe in freedom, and I think you have to leave those decisions up to the individual states,” said a fiercely smiling Bush, who has longstanding family connections in Florida.  The questioner was promptly led away in handcuffs and charged with criminal impertinence.

In Sacramento, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger followed Bush’s remarks with a press release stating that Republican stronghold Anaheim will be permitted to retain its World Series victory in 2002 rather than cede it to the “girlie-men” of San Francisco.

The Yankees will open the World Series on Saturday against either the St. Louis Cardinals or the Houston Astros.  The National League championship series is not affected by the executive order.

Posted by Michael on 10/21 at 01:30 AM
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