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Monday, January 16, 2006

And the winners are

Gulden vs. Kosciusko

Though Gulden’s is the oldest prepared mustard in the United States (dating from 1862), and though any New York sports fan should have fond memories of swabbing it lovingly over a hot Sabrett’s at Shea or the Garden, the edge in the Spicy Brown competition has to go to Kosciusko.  Slightly tangier, duskier, and more versatile, Kosciusko is now my mustard of choice for sandwiches, hot dogs, knishes, pretzels, lobsters, and soufflés.  Any time is a good time for Kosciusko!

1995-96 Detroit Red Wings vs. 2001 Seattle Mariners

The ‘95-’96 Red Wings set a single-season record of 62 wins; their remarkable 131 points outpaced their nearest competitor, the Philadelphia Flyers, by 24 points.  The ‘01 Seattle Mariners won a mind-bending 116 games and lost only 46.  But neither team made it through the playoffs; the Red Wings were beaten 4-2 in the conference final by the eventual Cup champion Colorado Avalanche, and the Mariners folded in five to the Yankees in the ALCS.  Which team provides a better gloss on the 2005 Indianapolis Colts?  The Mariners, by a nose.  But even the Mariners managed to get past the first round.

PC vs. Mac

I have no strong feelings about this one.  Let’s call it a tie.

“Every Breath You Take” vs. “No Reply”

Lennon’s “No Reply” is a measurably creepier Stalker Song than Sting’s, because in “No Reply” the obsessive waiting- outside- the- house- and- watching- to- see- her- peep- through- the- window thing has already begun, whereas “Every Breath You Take” consists merely of a series of threats.  Verb tense is everything in such matters.  Also, Sting’s middle eight is too abject (though it has a clever little E flat - G - E minor - C - D - E minor progression at the end), whereas Lennon’s is all confused bluster: “If I were you I’d realize that I/ love you more than any other guy.” Run those pronouns by me again?

Oh, and don’t bother me with Morrissey’s “The More You Ignore Me the Closer I Get.” “I am now a central part/ Of your mind’s landscape”?  Please.  It’s not even in the same league as Lennon bugging his stalkee to the point at which her family has to cover for her. 

Though Sting gets honorable mention for managing to get his creepy song played at weddings.

Samuel Alito vs. Robert Bork

Commentary provided by Michael Bérubé and ESPN’s Bill Clement.

Certainly the showdown everyone was waiting for, Bill!

-- That’s right, Michael, the Bork-Alito matchup promised to be a thriller, and it definitely lived up to the hype.

Alito, the elusive right-wing sniper out of Yale—but many say it was at Princeton that he really learned how to play the game—and Bork, the former “left-wing radical” from Chicago, the school known alternately as “Goaltender U.” and “Left Wing Radical U.”

-- Brings to mind the classic meeting of the Flyers’ Reggie Leach and the Canadiens’ Steve Shutt in the ‘75-’76 Cup finals! 

And with similar results, Bill.  You played with Leach on the ‘75 Cup champions, and I think you’d have to agree that he had that kind of straight-ahead style we associate with the great Robert Bork.

-- Absolutely, Michael.  There was no mystery about Leach—he just had a blazing shot, and he took that shot from everywhere.  A great scorer, but in the end, largely a one-dimensional player.  Steve Shutt, very similar profile, but ultimately, as you say, a more elusive forward.  As the Stanley Cup itself will testify, since his name appears on it five times.

What makes Alito more successful, I think, is precisely that deceptive quality Bork lacked.  His ability to split the Democrats’ defense time and again, with even the slightest hint of a feint toward the center. . . .

-- Though I have to point out, Michael, that it really wasn’t much of a defense at all.  The Democrats played so far apart that almost any decent right-winger with speed could have blown their doors off, and they have only a handful of players who know how to carry the puck back up the ice in a counterattack.  This defense is nothing like that of the team that stopped Bork.

Fair enough, Bill.  But let’s give Alito credit where credit is due.  When he claimed he couldn’t remember just why he joined the Concerned Alumni of Princeton, and offered the Democrats that head fake about the ROTC, I said to myself, I don’t think this guy can be stopped—he can only be contained.  I mean, that was a brilliant move, a brazen move, a highlight-reel move, and it caught the defense in the middle of a poorly-timed change to boot.

-- You bring up a good question, Michael.  I’m not sure Alito can even be contained.  I think we may have a player here who can score practically at will.

And we know how he feels about the “at will” doctrine! [Laughter]

-- No, I think the Republicans have themselves a twofer here.  Alito offers them the promise of a radical expansion of executive power together with a dramatic scaling back of civil liberties and rights to privacy.  It’s a devastating combination, and a tribute to the strength of the GOP farm team.  At every level, from the minor leagues up through the parent clubs, it’s just one righty power forward after another.

Bill, the Democrats are reportedly scrambling to regroup, hoping to pick up some fresh talent in the November draft.

-- Well, it’s amazing just how poorly the Democrats have drafted in recent years, Michael, and it calls into question just who’s doing the scouting for this operation.  So I’m not sure the draft really offers them a chance to recover, unless they get a lot savvier a lot sooner.

Meanwhile, Bill, the question for the GOP has to be, what’s next?  With Roberts and Alito they seem to have established a radical right presence on the bench for the next thirty years.  You have to ask, just how far can this franchise go?

-- Only time will tell, surely, but I think fans of untrammeled executive power, big business, and theocracy have every reason to be hopeful.

And in the meantime, the Democrats should probably start figuring out just how to play this game.  They haven’t coped well with the new rule changes, and seem to be hoping that the Republicans’ penalties—they are led in that department by Tom “the Hammer” DeLay and Jack “the Ripper” Abramoff—will eventually catch up to them.  So far, it hasn’t worked.

-- No, you can’t just wait for the other team to make mistakes in this game, Michael.  As you well know.

Right you are, Bill.  And those were the weekend’s key matchups, everyone!  Thanks for tuning in.

Posted by Michael on 01/16 at 04:43 PM
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