Thursday, February 26, 2009
Another extra special guest post
Hello, American Airspace! This is George Will of the Permanent Punditry, here with an important message. You know, these are confusing times. It’s not always clear what to believe—or whom to believe. Every day, for example, we hear alarmist reports from dark green doomsayers, warning us of some kind of catastrophic “climate change,” complete with disappearing ice caps and stranded polar bears. But every day I have a tall glass of cool, refreshing iced tea, and there’s just as much ice in my glass today as there was in 1979, as measured by the University of Illinois’ Cool Refreshing Beverage Research Center.
And every day we see men hugging. When did that start? I don’t know about you, but I watch baseball precisely so that I don’t have to sit through embarrassing spectacles like the one we saw in Congress the other night.
But there’s one thing I do know, and that’s the market. Last month, I pointed to McDonald’s strong fourth-quarter earnings as “a small sign of a big phenomenon”—namely, that “people change their behavior” in tough times. “That’s the market sorting this out,” I said. And that’s why I want to speak to you today about Alpo.
Yes, Alpo. For the real meat lovers in your family, it’s a great source of protein, and unlike the costly prime cuts favored by liberal elites, it stores well, so it can be kept on the shelf until that special occasion arises. And it’s not just for dinner anymore! Between meals or for an after-school snack, your family can also enjoy Alpo Variety Snaps, which come in a variety of tasty natural flavors.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that based on my track record, I must have some undisclosed financial interest in Ralston Purina, a subsidiary of Nestlé. Perhaps you imagine that my wife lobbies for them; perhaps you even suspect that I helped to coach Alpo for its big debate with Pedigree. Well, put your worries to rest. For once, I have no conflicts of interest. I simply believe in my heart, as a conservative, that as Barack Obama plunges this country deeper and deeper into the worst depression since the one caused by FDR, people will have to change their behavior accordingly. And by “people,” of course, I mean “other people.”
So if you’re one of those other people—or if you love someone who is—won’t you try Alpo today? Thank you.
Update: Welcome Red State readers! A friendly reminder to my interlocutors on the right: yes, I know I look and sound like an “intellectual.” That’s my role in the Inner Party. I wear bow ties and I toss around phrases like “sine qua non” and words like “supererogatory” and “interlocutor.” But don’t let that scare you! On the most important issues of the day, I’m squarely with the Stupids, and just to prove it, in my latest column, I double down. On, Palin! On, Jindal! On, Santelli and Plumber!