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Thursday, April 01, 2004

Bush:  I will not run in ‘04

Stunning political analysts and millions of his own supporters, George W. Bush today announced that he would not seek re-election to the Presidency in 2004.  “I have concluded that I should not permit the Presidency to become involved in the partisan divisions that are developing in this political year,” he said in a hastily-convened press conference, only his twelfth since taking office.  “With America’s sons and daughters in the fields far away, with America’s future under challenge right here at home, with our hopes and the world’s hopes for peace in the balance every day, I do not believe that I should devote an hour or a day of my time to any personal partisan causes or to any duties other than the awesome duties of this office-- the Presidency of your country.  Accordingly, I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President.”

Bush’s opening announcement came as a surprise to many observers, but what followed left reporters and viewers utterly stupefied.  “I have been following recent reports in the Dallas Morning News,” Bush said, “and I have learned that many of my friends and supporters are also donating money to Ralph Nader’s campaign.  Today I want to ask them to redouble their efforts, and to join me in endorsing Mr. Nader for the office of President of the United States.”

The White House press corps sat in dazed silence as Mr. Bush proceeded to explain that he would donate his $250 million “war chest” of campaign funds to Amnesty International.  “Somebody’s got to clean up that whole situation we’ve got down there in Gitmo, and speak for human rights here and around the world-- in Uzbekistan, in Zimbabwe, in the Middle East, in Tibet,” noted Mr. Bush, adding that he looked forward to the day when he and his wife Laura could join peacekeeping forces in Iraq under United Nations supervision in 2005.  “Until then, I’ve got some work right here in Washington that should keep me busy, just trying to undo some of the incredible damage we’ve done over the past three years.  I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of the lying and the nonsense.  From here on in, I want to be remembered as the Social Justice President-- for fair taxation and remediation of poverty; for free health care and well-funded public schools for all Americans; for a healthy environment and clean energy; for judicial and regulatory agency appointments that break the cycle of Beltway cronyism and nepotism; and for scientific and social research uncontaminated by petty partisan interests.  I’m also going to dismantle my attack machine, and stop slandering good people like Dick Clarke, Paul O’Neill, and the families of those who died on September 11.  Let there be peace on Earth,” the President concluded, “and let it begin with me.”

Mr. Bush then waited a full five seconds before adding, “April Fool, y’all.  Fool me once, shame on you-- fool me twice, er . . . uh . . . fool me won’t get fooled again.”

Posted by Michael on 04/01 at 11:26 AM
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