Friday, December 15, 2006
Chris Clarke Confesses
The Chris Clarke Show Trial has reached a foregone—and therefore successful—conclusion! The defendant’s statement, as rewritten by the Minister of Justice and the Party Leader, follows:
I, Chris Clarke, born of woman in a small town in New York State, near a lake smote into the earth by a Pleistocene glacier, do of my own free will confess to and repent my crimes against the WAAGNFNP. As the Guilty One, I stand convicted of, and shall be sentenced appropriately for, Treason, Conspiracy, and any other High Crimes and Misdemeanors that the Prosecution may think of in the near or far Future. With this Statement, I also accede to the Profecution’s irregular and idiosyncratic practices regarding Spelling and the Capitalization of certain Nouns.
I have attempted to undermine the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party in an attempt to carry out—insolently, and with reckless disregard of the consequences—crimes against the Giant Nuclear Fireball. My actions have failed to honor and respect the Party, the many parties to the Prosecution, Our Glorious Leader Himself, and our own loving, caring, nurturing, bootilicious and all-around wonderful Minister of Justice, Oaktown Girl.
I have dared to suggest, in several comment threads and clever blog posts scattered throughout the length and breadth of the Internets, that I should not have to suffer from this trial and tribulation; I have encouraged my rag-tag defense team to attempt to exonerate me in a genuine, bona fide, internationally sanctioned Show Trial, even though I was duly apprised that a Show Trial under the administration of the WAAGNFNP Minister of Justice, as guided by the Wisdom of Lord Astaroth, is a necessary and good thing; and I have availed myself of intrigue, disguise, and suggestive stiffing (of a cabbie and a postal worker) in order to escape from detention in the Re-education Center so that I could relax, instead, in the WAAGNFNP’s Relaxation Center, even though I was aware that the Relaxation Center, with its Deep Tissue Massages, Eucalyptus Steam Wraps, Sea Salt Body Scrubs, and Gentleman’s Manicures, was the exclusive preserve of Inner Party members of the WAAGNFNP.
Though I have to say that the Eucalyptus Steam Wraps and the Sea Salt Body Scrubs were kinda nice.
Sorry! Sorry! So sorry. Where was I?
Oh yes. I have aided and abetted the illegal flow of information and ponies regarding the Party’s innermost secrets, often deploying rumors, gossip, suggestive innuendo, crafty graphic novels, and other devious strategems that empowered the enemies of our Party and induced them to see the GNF as something to fear—rather than something to praise and welcome with ecstasy and joy and exuberant graffiti.
I have committed crimes against the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party in an attempt to foment the revolutionary ideas of “hope” and “peace” among “all peoples” for the purpose of encouraging resistance to the coming of the Giant Nuclear Fireball, knowing that such resistance is futile. In so attempting to subvert and undermine the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party, I have chosen to offer only biting wit in my defense, rather than rally all peoples to the GNF, as a loyal member of the Party must do, and in so doing I:
-- Posted photos, images, verse satires, and long, long dilations and divagations about my adoration of, and affection towards, all species, particularly those who thrive in the greater Sonoran desert, but also pretty much all species all over the planet, imposing on others my own sense of curiosity and interrelationships with these species, rather than supporting the Party and the GNF, who with Gojira, aspire to vaporize all in one mighty Global Nuclear Fireball;
-- Posted textual compositions of 5000, 8000, 10000 and nigh-uncountable numbers of words, celebrating and honoring the Earth and all of her millions of species and habitats and interdependencies, inciting others to care about them, thereby encouraging the deviationist sense that these are “amazing” and “special” and “worthy of our solicitous attention,” thereby denigrating the GNF in thought and deed; and finally, and perhaps most odiously, I have
-- Allowed others to refer to me as Hottie McNaturepants, posting compelling portraits of myself and my four-legged companions, living and extinct, in order to increase empathy for and sympathy with my cause; and I have thereby attempted to diminish, and distract others from, the sublime wonder of Gojira, the ginormous floating head of Our Leader, the majesty of 3Tops, the sizzling nippleless hotness of Astaroth, and the Loving Bootlicious Vengeance of the Minister of Justice.
I am also guilty of all this stuff, too. Just in case you were wondering.
I humbly ask for forgiveness. I sincerely regret and repent all my crimes. And I ask to be welcomed back into the loving fold of the WAAGNFNP.
But if I am to be consigned to a life of reading Althouse, then I ask you to try Amanda Marcotte in my stead.
ON THIS DAY OF 15 DECEMBER 2006
IN THE WEE HOURS
COMPOSED MOSTLY BY OAKTOWN GIRL
WAAGNFNP MINISTER OF JUSTICE
(WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?)
WAAGNFNP MINISTER OF OFFENSE AND DEFENSE
Update from the General Secretary and President for (Thankfully Brief) Life: We have audio! The Minister of Justice’s Approved Version is here, and the Guilty One’s original unedited remarks are here. Apparently there are some discrepancies between the two versions, but I’ll leave this for others to determine. History, we don’t know—we’ll all be dead. Thanks to the GNF, of course.