Showtime!
Day Three, December 14: The sentencing phrase has begun here. Join in now before all the sentences are taken!
Day Two, December 13: The insolent defendant responds, using fancy jargon words like “affiants.” Fortunately, the prosecution has been joined by the crack legal team of Pandagon & Pharyngula, who have provided us with an extremely useful (and quite comprehensive) litany of additional charges along with a possible sentencing option for you all to consider.
Welcome, WAAGNFNP Friends and Patriots, to the Glorious Chris Clarke Show Trial. (Finally!)
First and foremost, the Ministry of Justice wishes to thank the brilliant if deeply misguided Chris Clarke for volunteering to be the object of the WAAGNFNP’s first-ever Show Trial. (We certainly hope it’s not the last!) And we send our very best wishes to Chris’s beloved dog Zeke.
Now, for those of you in the WAAGNFNP fringe faction who may not have been following closely for the past few months (shame on you!), here’s a brief review.
This is a genuine bona fide internationally sanctioned Show Trial, and therefore the evidence and testimony against the accused must be merciless and overwhelming.
This is not a capital case. The purpose is to have our Wayward One understand the grave nature of his transgressions and repent his crimes against the Party. Once he has done this, he will gratefully affix his name to the Statement of Guilt, accept his punishment, and be welcomed back into the loving fold of the WAAGNFNP family. Remember: we are always already splitting, and always already fused!
The WAAGNFNP’s ancient two-month-old ritual of Show Trial serves as a form of collective healing for the entire party. We do it this way because if we tried the volcano method, the wingnuts would go batshit crazy on us and have their entire Christianist agenda all up in our grill. I’m sure you know what we mean. (Warning: Language Alert!)
Schedule of events:
Days One and Two will be sworn testimony, accusations, and inquisitions. (Note: Day Two is also Uniform of Brutality Day Formal Wear Day for the Prosecution.)
On Day Three, the Minister of Justice will declare the defendant “guilty”, and the jury (all of you) will celebrate joyfully as you deliberate punishments for the Guilty One and his depraved Defense Team. At the end of the day, The Guilty One will repent and sign the Statement of Guilt.
Important information regarding sworn testimony:
VERSE AND PROSE WILL HAVE EQUAL WEIGHT IN THE EYES OF THE COURT. Those who find it difficult if not impossible to write in prose will be neither penalized nor rewarded for the form of their testimony/ accusations/ inquisitions. While the villanelle has emerged as the unofficial verse form of the CCST, sestinas and sonnets are also welcome, and we encourage the stately but rarely-used ottava rima. Those who are already writing prose without knowing it may continue to do so.
Our Show Trial Patron Demon, Lord Astaroth, Prince of Accusers and Inquisitors, is our VIP guest for this distinguished proceeding. He is here to lend guidance and inspiration to the Loyal Prosecution, which should be nearly all of you. He reminds us not to forget to engage in plenty of “inquisiting” as well as accusing, so be sure to ask plenty of hard-hitting show trial-worthy questions. Questions that are more comments than questions® are also appropriate.
Finally, by participating in the Glorious CCST, you accept the following oath:
I do solemnly swear upon the Immortal Vision of Gojira, that I will faithfully and honestly testify in the Chris Clarke Show Trial as ordered by the Highest Court of the WAAGNFNP and its Minister of Justice.
And I do sincerely and truly declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me Astaroth.* (Warning: Imagery Alert!)
*Under WAAGNFNP Show Trials Rules, the “truth” (especially for the Prosecution) includes but is not limited to: truth, truthiness, speculation and supposition, insinuation and innuendo, ad hominem invectives, wildly unsubstantiated rumors, hearsay, vindictiveness or “payback,” and “burning the straw man.” Also, feel free to just make stuff up!
The Court is now in session.
Yours in Service,
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party
_______
Credits:
Chris Clarke Show Trial Poster artistically executed by peter ramus
Original artwork of Astaroth (detail) by Central Content Publisher
Photograph of 3Tops (detail) by Bill Benzon
A production of the WAAGNFNP and its affiliated Secular Elitist Ministries.
Opening Remarks of Chief Prosecutor M. Foucault Justice Department Chris Clarke Roundtable
(Note: The Chief Prosecutor often deviates from prepared remarks.)http://www.usdoj.gov/archive//ag/speeches/2003/060403terrorismroundtableremarks.htm
Thank you for joining me here in Washingto to discuss our steady progress and continuing successes in the war on Chris Clarke. I deeply appreciate the time we just spent in my conference room talking about the prosecution of this miscreant.
Yesterday, we gained three more convictions in the war on terror. This time in the Ted Haggard case: two on homosocial conspiracy charges and the third on document fraud charges.
Victories such as these must be built on a solid foundation: Victory requires vision. Victory requires resolve. But even vision and resolve are useless without men and women of faith and action to carry vision forward.
We have just those kinds of men and women here today.
From across our nation … from your hometowns and from our big cities … we have gathered together outstanding leaders from our U.S. Attorney’s offices who come to share their ideas and their experiences.
If we are to win the war against Chris Clarke, we must learn from the ideas and experiences that have brought us victory and adapt them to defeat our adversaries.
The gateway to victory is built on ideas. We must constantly learn, adapt, outthink, and anticipate the actions of our enemies. We must always be ready to seize the initiative in order to secure victory.
Ladies and Gentlemen, START YOUR ENGINES!!
Posted by on 12/12 at 08:35 AMWhile opening credits roll, papers shuffle, and seats get taken, a Show Trial Tune to the relatively tuneless tune of a tune from the days when nuclear devices were still getting the occasional atmospheric testing—
Giant Nuke Fireball
They’re selling postcards of the Show Tri’l
The judge wears a cap and gown
The beauty parlor is filled with news-babes
The ‘Factor is in town
Here comes the glib defendant
They’ve got him in a trance
One hand is stuffed in a sad sock-puppet
The other is typing rants
And the talking heads they’re nervous
They need a makeup call
As Lady and I look out tonight
For the Giant Nuke FireballPraise be to Teller’s Apollo
The Hindenburg docks at one
And everybody’s smoking
‘neath its bag of hy-dro-djun
And Dr JA and Kirby Olson
Fighting in the comments parts
While silent lurkers laugh at them
Or practice their Liberal Arts
Above the plains of New-Jur-Zee
Where flaming gas bags fall
And nobody has to think too much
‘bout the Giant Nuke FireballEinstein, disguised as Bérubé
With his memories in a blog
Passed this way an hour ago
With Nature Boy and Zeke the Dog
Clarke looked so frightfully immaculate
As he hiked another mile
Then he went off riffing villanelles
On Fireballs crude and vile
Now you would not think to look at him
But he was famous just this fall
For playing the eclectic villain in
The Giant Nuke FireballPlay ball.
==========
For those interested in strumming along
Captcha: opened
Posted by black dog barking on 12/12 at 08:57 AMHere’s a last ditch attempt to reason with The Accused. I hope it fails because, frankly, we need all this razzle dazzle during sweeps week for the 2006 Weblog Awards.* Not to mention that we need to put Nick through college and get Jamie his own Do-It-Yourself Marine Biologist set, complete with 100,000 gallon acquirium. Where are you going to get 100,000 gallons of certified sea water in central Pennsylvania?
Chris Clarke, Be A Star
To be sung to the tune of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat”
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, cultist tool
Plead guilty now, don’t play the fool
Time to dress up, look pretty please
Get some long pants, cover your knees
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, cultist tool
Plead guilty now, don’t play the foolGojira’s swift, her heart is strong
Protects the Party to which we belong
Don’t be coy and don’t be shy
Look Gojira in the eye
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, cultist tool
Plead guilty now, don’t play the foolOaktown’s tough, but Oaktown’s fair
She’ll get to the bottom of this affair
Her ways are sneaky, her knowledge freaky
She won’t allow, even one little leaky
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, cultist tool
Plead guilty now, don’t play the foolRemember how life used to be
Before you joined this great Party
No cage matches, no baiting D.Ho
No A B F F, no squaring zero**
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, you’ve come far
Plead guilty now, become a star*The homeschoolers are closing on the Ivies. Which means they’re picking up momentum. That’s not good.
**Actually, that’s Adam Roberts at The Valve; gotta plug my homies. Besides the WAAGNFNP is the ultimate Big Tent Party and so includes all of blogdom, and then some.
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 08:58 AMI don’t know what Gojira is up to in those web log polls, but she sure is kicking some derriere!
These are excellent documents for the prosecution thus far. In addition to the many charges that have already been levelled against the accused, I would like to add the following:
a) Disorderly Conduct (an ongoing problem)
b) Break and Entering (Oaktown Girl’s videotapes)
c) Impersonating a Federal Officer (Kirby Olsen)
d) Tax Evasion (using the proceeds of the Virgin Lutheran Church of the Flaming Christ fundraiser to pay for his golf lessons and Abercrombie Fitch wear).I almost wrote Abercrombie and Finch.
Posted by on 12/12 at 09:15 AMLet the record show that the
Guilty Onethe Accused (Oh to hell with it. From here on out, I’m not going to waste anymore time striking out the words “Guilty One”. And by Proclamation of the Minister of Justice, no one else has to either!)Where was I? Oh yes. Let the record show that the Guilty One knowingly and willfully misled an innocent non-native English speaking cab driver to take him to the WAAGNFNP’s Relaxation Center instead of the Re-education Center, AND “forgot” to tip the driver to boot, making the whole Party look cheap.
It would greatly please the MoJ if a WAAGNFNP Patriot would like to put THAT little insubordinate and shameful episode into verse.
Charge: Defying an order from the MoJ to report to the WAAGNFNP’s Re-education Center.
Charge: Deceiving and failing to tip an innocent, hard working cab driver.
Posted by on 12/12 at 09:52 AMHe turned me into a Joshua Tree.
Posted by corndog on 12/12 at 11:03 AMI got better.
Posted by corndog on 12/12 at 11:04 AMI accuse the accused of defying the righteous non-behaviorist order of the ancients by post-post-modernizing our most sacred sectarian fruitcake recipe:
If I could bake a fruitcake,
I tell you what I do,
I toss out all the recipes
And bake one just for you.
The ingredients would be simple,
The final product you could eat
Or simply set aside some place
To revisit when you need a treat!
I would use a drop of grandma,
Maybe toss in a dash of an aunt.
Temper it with a memory of grandpa,
And toss in some happy dance.
I would fold in happy memories
Of time spent with those that you love,
Then frost it with the first snowflakes
You ever saw fall from above.
I would dress it with a smile,
And then serve it to you warm.
With a cup of cocoa to wash it down,
To help lessen the winter’s storms.
No I can’t bake a fruitcake.
But I assure you if I could.
I would bake it exactly to your liking,
As all fruitcake bakers should.Let the record show that he also introduced bougeoius elements such as gumdrops, Rice Krispies (tm) and Durkee Fried Onions (tm).
Posted by ChomskyGodTroll on 12/12 at 11:10 AMChris Clarke knows more than anyone, writes better than everyone, and is nice about it. Plus, he has a nice dog and little children and animals like him. It’s not right.
He always has evidence, logic, and facts on his side—prima facie evidence this court must accept as proof that Chris cheats. I’m not saying that he’s made a Faustian pact with some dark power from the inner circles of the inferno, but this Honorable Court really needs to expand this fishing expedition and look into it until the evidence that must exist can be found.
What’s the point of anyone doing anything if everyone knows that Chris is just going to do it better and with more panache?
The guy has stopped the progress of civilization.
Sworn
and Signed Statement
by: A WitnessPosted by on 12/12 at 11:26 AMI suspect the Guilty One’s tireless and never tiresome advocacy of causes green and red may yet help derail the resource war juggernaut that is our best hope for the GNF. Public confession and repentance is the Guilty One’s only hope.
Posted by The Constructivist on 12/12 at 11:43 AMHey Kids!!! I’ve got an idea!!
LETS PUT ON A SHOW TRIAL!!
It’ll be fun!! So how about it
Huh? Huh?
I can hardly wait. I have a lot of great ideas on how it can work! We can have lots of songs and everything!
We’ll just put some bleachers out in the snow.
And have it out on Exhilaration Row.Gotta run! Later gators. (Gosh, I hope the snow doesn’t interfere with the data uplink.)
Posted by on 12/12 at 12:01 PMIt is my sad duty to inform the court that the guilty-as-charged accu(r)sed has not only committed objective, material crimes of the most heineous nature - bamboozling an innocent cab driver (who had to be reeducated afterwards for his own protection) into taking him to the party’s relaxation center not being the least of these crimes - no, not content to break, enter, release the ponies and be nice about it, the accu(r)sed has in fact committed the ultimate crime - the thought crime.
By carefully pre- and post-structurally analyzing the accu(r)seds poetic and cartoonish works*, the prosecution intends to prove to the jury that Comrade Chris Clarke has engaged in a conspiracy with his own mind to undermine the achievement of the ultimate goal all factions of this party share - the GNF.* this will be greatly helped by the fact that this prosecutor hasn’t the foggiest notion what he is talking about.
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
Ministry of Offense and Defence
WAAGNFNPcaptcha: “price”. As in “the ultimate price won’t be paid in this here show trial, which is only for show.”
Posted by on 12/12 at 12:35 PM
Damn you, Clarke. Cheap bastard. Hope they fry you in grease and tar you with ostrich feathers.
Posted by on 12/12 at 12:50 PMWell, black dog barking set the bar rather high, but here’s my contribution, to the tune of Operation Ivy’s “Missionary.”
It’s broken and mended
I kill and Oaktown Girl will defend it
Gonna be usin’ nuclear fusion
To wipe us all off of the map.On my way to end the world
On my way to end the worldGot a blog full of irony, it really is first-class
Got this ongoing feud with some Zod-looking dumb-ass
Now we gotta throw away the key on this bastard named Clarke
Who thought my dangeralitude was something at which to snark
It’s broken and mended
I kill and Oaktown Girl will defend it.
Gonna be usin’ nuclear fusion
To wipe us all off of the map.On my way to end the world
On my way to end the worldBérubé!!!
I happen to have two new books, if you get my drift
Don’t be scared by the scowling ghost head
They’re fun to read and make great gifts
The Sokal affair, reader response, Rorty and other pomo champs
And some angry white kid who loves concentration camps
It’s broken and mended
I kill and Oaktown Girl will defend it.
Gonna be usin’ nuclear fusion
To wipe us all off of the map.On my way to end the world
On my way to end the worldOn my way to end the world
On my way to end the worldAlways already split, and always already fused…
The GNF is the means to The End
The GNF is the means to The EndOn my way to end the world
On my way to end the world…Posted by Heraclitus on 12/12 at 01:40 PMAnd this, to the tune of Pink Floyd’s “In the Flesh.”
So you thought you might like to go to the show trial
To feel the warm of thrill of the fusion, hear the futile denials
Well, I got good news for you, Sunspot
Your leader knows well we’re all going straight to hell
I want to speed us along by means of this song
And a giant nuclear fireball that can do no wrongMB: Behold the accused, his insolence makes me cringe!
CC: Come off it, old man, you’ve simply come unhinged!
MB: He’s got a gratuitous “e,” he’s trying to foil our plan!
CC: And I let out your ponies, and I’d do it again!
MB: You’ve impersonated people all over the world!
CC: And you pretend to be dangeral, but you’re just a little girl!
MB: That’s enough, already! I demand you stop now!
CC: Do what you will, I swear I’ll never bow!Posted by Heraclitus on 12/12 at 01:41 PMThere once was a man named Clarke
His soul was twisted and dark
He lied to a cabbie
Who only spoke Punjabi
So he could go frolic in the parkPosted by Heraclitus on 12/12 at 01:57 PM"VERSE AND PROSE WILL HAVE EQUAL WEIGHT IN THE EYES OF THE COURT.”
Isee London
I see France
I see WAAGNFNP Minister of Justice’s underpantsPosted by on 12/12 at 02:01 PM"Bérubé said to
Chris Clarke, That
he met
in the
dark,
‘Let us
both go
to law:
I will
prosecute
you.—
Come, I’ll
take no
denial;
We must
have a
trial:
For
really
this
morning
I’ve
nothing
to do.’
Said Chris
Clarke to
the cur,
‘Such a
trial,
dear sir,
With no
jury or
judge,
would be
wasting
our breath.’
‘I’ll be
judge,
I’ll be
jury,’
Said
cunning
Bérubé;
‘I’ll try
the whole
cause,
and
condemn
you
to
death.’”Posted by Aaron Barlow on 12/12 at 02:09 PMPound him, I say, pound him into the bizzaro world.
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 02:12 PM
Posted by on 12/12 at 02:19 PMThe Alibi Project:
Posted by on 12/12 at 02:26 PMHah! Russian is being used by the Defense team. This means war. Just wait until I get my hands onto Cicero’s Catilina prosecution speech…
Posted by on 12/12 at 02:31 PMIsee London
I see France
I see WAAGNFNP Minister of Justice’s underpantsThe Minister of Justice’s underpants are not now, nor have they ever been, for public display, and that comment is hereby stricken from the official record.
Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/12 at 02:39 PM
Posted by on 12/12 at 02:53 PMO wearisome condition of the accused!
Born under one law, to another chained;
Singled out, and yet bound to be fused,
The quality of mercy is not strained.
What brutes would deny his desire for severalty
Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Posted by on 12/12 at 02:57 PMScheduling this
ShamShow Trial for December 12 definitely fell right in the Defense Team’s trap! HAHA!!!!On my command, activate the Ad Hoc Defensorial Astaroth Shield.
ENGAGE!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!
We are all up in ur ontology
pwning ur false idols/pr
Ad Hoc Defensorial Defense Team of Defenders of Your Man McNaturepants Cadre
(Second Line)Posted by on 12/12 at 03:02 PM
You are all weirdos.
Posted by Sam the Eagle on 12/12 at 03:03 PMSome said twas Clarke
With sins beyond count
Turned the bright day to dark.Dark usurpers would hark
And collect at this fount
Some said twas Clarke.Innocent mien without mark
Where child’s blush might mount
Turned the bright day to dark.Calm dogs they would bark
Without rational account
Some said twas Clarke.With neither quiddity nor quark
Nor any recount
Turned the bright day to dark.So this sad trial’s arc
Bright hopes sold at discount
Some said twas Clarke
Turned the bright day to dark.Posted by Mark on 12/12 at 03:03 PMI enter into evidence the door of the cab being driven by the traumatized and exploited cabbie who was scared all the way to the Bizzaro World; but made if back to this one, after a perilous journey (see comment 13 above):
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 03:04 PMWhatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Sam?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 03:09 PMMemo On Clarke
Didn’t I see you down the tubes on a hot and dusty night?
We were reading lies on Bérubé’s when Horowitz tried to fight.
Aw, you drowned in all that bullshit, most of it like this,
You know, about that show-trial gentleman, the one we all call “Chris.”Come now, gentlemen, I know there’s some mistake.
How forgetful I’m becoming, now you fixed your business straight.I remember you on the net back in nineteen ninety-six.
With your baggy little bulletin board with a smaller bit of list.
Now You’re a lashing, smashing blogging man;
Your sweat shines sweet and strong.
Your organs working perfectly, but there’s a part that’s not screwed on.Weren’t you at the Koz convention back before this last July
You’re the misbred, grey executive I’ve seen heavily advertised.
You’re the great, gray man who thinks that he can keep the Internets clean.
You’re the man who squats behind the man who works the soft machine.Come now, gentleman, your love is all I crave.
You’ll still be in the circus when I’m laughing, laughing on my grave.When the old men do the fighting and the young men all look on.
And the young girls type their deathless prose on tubes on neo-cons.
Be wary of these my gentle friends of all the wing-nut breed:
They have a nasty habit - they eat the hands that bleed.So remember who you say you are and keep your noses clean.
Boys will be boys and play with toys so be strong with your beast.
Oakland Girl dear, doncha think it’s queer, so stop me if you please.
This blog is dead, Bérubé said, “You gentlemen, why you all work for me.”Posted by Aaron Barlow on 12/12 at 03:19 PMWhat can one say about he accused? His vile attempt to imitate me —ME! — only underscores his guilt. One need only look at his failure to grasp the deeper meaning behind my recasting of the Oscar Meyer jingle as evidence of the supreme and overwhelming mediocrity of his of fealty to the WAAGFNP. For as the child in the jingle devoutly if non-subjunctively wishes to be transsubstantiated into the flesh of Oscar Meyer so that the world might consume him, so we all will be consumed with the world on the Dies Firae, come the advent of the Giant Flaming Lutheran.
O! I wish Clarke were a Lutheran Surrealist,
That is what I long for him to be-ee-ee,
For if he were a Lutheran Surrealist
He could Martinize the Papacy.Posted by Cur Be Oldsoon on 12/12 at 03:25 PMHe’s innocent. He was with us! The cabby’s a liar!
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:27 PMThe defense is sparing nothing in defense of The Accused. Now they’re bringing in the celebrity witnesses:
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 03:27 PMMr. Clarke lived next door to me for most of my life. He was a nice man. He mostly kept to himself except in emergencies when he would always be the first to lend a helping hand. I don’t think that cabby is from around here, is he?
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:42 PM"Orthagonal axes.”
Need I say more?
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:50 PM
The accu(r)sed attended an elitist blogger meeting without inviting any bloggers of color, and while there kept his shirt unbuttoned in an indecorous fashion in a display of sheer disrespect for that odious traitor Clinton.
Posted by Ann Althouse on 12/12 at 03:52 PMWell, seems like the defence has picked up some groupies. Time for a response.
Teh Clarke, he has a lot of friends,
they were all lying low -
but now, when it is trial-time,
they think to have a go.They put up pictures, poems, songs,
they help out the defence;
their only goal to get him off,
before the man repents!Forever splitting, always fused,
the party will prevail,
the prosecution, MoJ,
won’t let the trial fail.A taxi driver, innocent, teh Clarke
used for his aims;
nefariously mumbling bad,
“relaxation” he exclaims!The poor driver, wrongly guided,
not knowing who’s on board,
falls, headlong, into CC’s trap,
defying, thus, the court.Teh Clarke, he sneers,
he says out loud,
“I set the ponies free”
there’s nothing you can do,
he cries, to either one of me!”The little kid,
she spells it right, at
the spelling bee:
Clarke, she says,
oh yes, it spells:
G-U-I-L-T.christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
Ministry of Offense and Defence
WAAGNFNPcaptcha: “son” as in “the prodigal son will return to the fold.”
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:52 PMEnough of all this procedural crap! The danger is too great for due process, habeas corpus, and all that other latin stuff. I just got off the phone with John Yoo and he advises the following: water boarding coupled with well-placed electrodes. Alberto Gonzalez has offered to be on hand to make sure everything is done according to his Bill of Wrongs. Who’ll do the deed? The Spanish Inquisition, of course. Because no one .... And where do we want this torturin’ done? Out on Highway 51.
Show trials work in areas where you’re trying to create democracy. Dammit, we’re the model of democracy for the world and in no need of education in how to achieve justice.
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:55 PMHey, does [classified] even go to [classified]? Or is that classified?
This comment has been modified by the Department of Nuclear Fireball Security.
Posted by Michael on 12/12 at 04:12 PMSomebody delete Michael’s comment! This information is top secret! It must have been CC’s mind power making our Chair blab like that.
cpatcha: “law”. Need I say more?
Posted by on 12/12 at 04:17 PMDershowitz is a douchebag! No water boarding!
Posted by on 12/12 at 04:22 PMGeez—sorry about making the baby cry. I can feel the child’s pain however, especially now as I grieve over the untimely death of Pinochet. And Michael, because I am a very important person I have been asked to serve as an advisor regarding the artifacts found at that location you alluded to earlier. We were able to alter the statement and take it to be an honest mistake. No need to look over your shoulder—just yet. If the rest of you knew half the stuff I’m privy to, you’d be sanctimonious in your defense of torture too. See how easy it is to forget about Chris Clarke?
Posted by on 12/12 at 05:00 PMCharge: Hope.
Posted by Central Content Publisher on 12/12 at 05:07 PMA MESSAGE FROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE
Lord Astaroth informs me that he is pleased with the proceedings thus far, but it is time for the Loyal Prosecution escalate the “Inquisiting” aspect of this glorious trial.
Those Defense ClownsThe Defense Team has much to answer for on behalf of The Guilty One, and it’s time they did so. Let’s set them back on their heels but good. (Note: in no way should anyone let up on the Accusin’ aspect of the Prosecuting while we are stepping up our Inquisiting).The following are but a few of (and only the most recent) charges that need to be further explored and brought to light:
1. Nafarious ubiquity (one of my personal favs!)
2. Impersonating Kirby Olson, (as if we needed more than one Kirby Olson.)
3. Unauthorized entry into Our Leader’s Green Room and releasing the ponies.
4. Attempting to hypnotize fellow WAAGNFNP members.
5. Involvement in the Brittney Spears underware scandal.
6. Introducing Brittney Spears to Kevin Federline.
7. Shameless and transparent attempts to win sympathy.
8. Enjoys fruitcake.
9. Flagrant hopefulness, alluding to a distant future, and a willful concern for living things.
10. Sins of commission, omission, and emission.
11. Scripting evil dreams into the heads of fellow WAAGNFNP members.
12. Repeated and frivolous moves for dismissal of his case.
13. Threatening to associate intimately with 76 Lutheran virgins after the trial.
14. There is also something about “jello shots” and the “Bush Twins” that definitely needs inquisitin’!Please keep in mind that this is a very abbreviated list, and the Loyal Prosection need not in any way limit themselves to the above topics.
On to Glory!
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNPPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/12 at 05:11 PMMr. A. Dershowitz, is this your way of seeking a private audience with 3Tops, Special Agent in Charge of Questioning, Probing, Electrifying, and Sautéing?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 05:11 PMThere is also something about “jello shots” and the “Bush Twins” that definitely needs inquisitin’!
The Guilty One also needs to answer for this episode involving Ward Churchill, pole dancers, and tequila shooters.
Lest we forget.
Posted by Michael on 12/12 at 05:36 PMMr. Benzon, I’m a very important person, as I have noted. I don’t seek audiences with anyone. They seek me out because of my incredible access to even the most rightfully opaque agencies of government.
Posted by on 12/12 at 05:38 PMOaktown Girl, who’s been livin’ in her Oaktown world, says:
5. Involvement in the Brittney Spears underware scandal.
and then in the same breath says
7. Shameless and transparent
and I am the one accused of planting evil images in the minds of Party Members?
J’accu(r)se!
Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/12 at 05:47 PM... and then the ponies ran away!
Posted by on 12/12 at 05:53 PMOrder in the Court!
Get these damn kids outta here! We’re talking about transparent underwear and shameless liasons with virgins and pole dancers, for Pete’s Sake! Have you parents no respect? No concern for morality? No scruples?
And to the mealy brat who testified that Clarke “mostly kept to himself except in emergencies when he would always be the first to lend a helping hand,” well, for the records, that’s exactly what they said about Jeffrey Dalmer, too.
Posted by on 12/12 at 05:59 PMOh, except for the last kid: the Prosecution Witness wearing the Winnie-the-Pooh shirt. That little bugger can stay. He looks like he’s been around the block a time or two.
Posted by on 12/12 at 06:01 PMBritney Spears, jello shots, tequila shooters. It adds up to only one thing:
Posted by on 12/12 at 06:02 PM
GNF – 1, Google – 0Posted by black dog barking on 12/12 at 06:16 PMHere’s what the Wikipedia has for GNF. What’ll it take to get “Giant Nuclear Fireball” on the list? I mean, other than a WAAGNGNP member (like me) going to the Wikipedia and simply listing it. ‘Cause I could do that, and so could you, or you, or you, or you. When we win this Weblog 2006 awards thing, will that put GNF on the Wikipedia map?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 06:36 PMI have a question for the accu(r)sed:
If they kick at your front door,
how you gonna come -
with your hands on your head,
or on the trigger of your gun?Answer, or forfeit all your (unnamed) privileges!
captcha: “bed”, as in “the guilty one has to lie in the one he has made for himself.”
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
MoOaD, WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/12 at 06:37 PMAnd somebody get Dershowitz out of here! There is enough plagiarizing going on in this courtroom!
captcha: “turn”, as in “what we need to do with the screws.”
Posted by on 12/12 at 06:39 PMYou don’t bring me bribes
You don’t share your testimony
You hardly talk to me anymore,
(except under subpoena)
When you face my bench
At the end of the dayI remember when
You couldn’t wait to love me
(with your habeas corpus)
Used to hate to leave me
(in fragrante delicto)
Now after working late into night
(Your modus operandi)
And you’re feelin alright
Well you just roll over
And turn out the light
And you don’t bring me flowers anymoreIt hurts me more than it hurts you
to prosecute your crimes
Oh it’s a dirty job,
But someone’s got to do it
Oh it’s a dirty job,
But someone’s got to do it
I care a lot
I hate to see a good man rot
It hurts me more than it hurts youIt used to be so natural
(so very ipso facto)
To talk about forever
But used to bes dont count in court
They just lay on the floor
til we sweep them awayAnd CC, I remember
All the things you taught me
I learned how to golf
And I learned how to walk the nature paths
Well I leared how to love your dog
Even learned how to lie about Brittney’s panties
You’d think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
cause you don’t bring me flowers anymorePosted by on 12/12 at 06:45 PMWe were able to alter the statement and take it to be an honest mistake
Not so fast Mr. A. D
ouchershewitz. Per U.S. law, all properly classified statements must exist somewhere on the open Internet. Inspired by Dick Cheney’s expertise at using teh Google, the Running Jackals of the Oppo-Personal Research Team were able to determine that the only place on the Internet that properly matched the pattern: “Hey, does blank even go to blank.”, was this comment
Hey does Skye even go to uni or something? Or is she boho??
OMG so funny.. flashback image of Max’s sideburns. I was obsessed with it tonight.
located on page 9 of 569 pages of comments (’06 season only) about the Australian soap opera Neighbours at the Australian Vogue website. So, Mr. Opaque Access, it is your job to sift through all 569 pages of insightful commentary for further clues. From:
I seriously think that the new season of Neighbours deserves its own, brand new thread.... does no one else agree???
through
and beyond.Tonight’s episode was soooo boring considering it was a season opener. Total anti-climax! It took Paul like 5 seconds to be rushed to hospital, be brought back to life and return home. Where’s the drama?!
And per christian h., Don’t come back until you are done ... and no you can’t use the material as your next book.Out on Highway 51.
And Mr. D, are we thinking Area 51? Highway 61 minus 10? or an obscure multi-song Dylan reference?Posted by on 12/12 at 06:48 PMMr. Stormcrow, this is your last warning regarding any terrain features ending in 1. Any further mention, and you will join teh Clarke on the golf course.... I mean, in the brig.
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
MoOaD
WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/12 at 06:58 PMThere once was a man named Olson
He seemed the poor man’s Chuck Colson
But his prose style was mocked
By an evil puppet of sock
Now on distant blogs he trolls onPosted by Heraclitus on 12/12 at 07:15 PMThe following are quotes from Comrade Clarke himself, which he used to smuggle an unseemly message of hope into his graphic novel version of WLatLA. It submit to the court that the very fact that this pro-hope smear campaign is perpetrated in a graphic novel, thus endangering our youths, makes these unspeakable crimes (of which I speak) even more horrifying to any upstanding amoral member of the Party.
“I’ll use this horse to find them even though
there’s a perfectly good truck here,” said the
adjunct professor, “because I just saw ‘An
Inconvenient Truth’ at YearlyKos.”and
The committee was making great progress.
or how about
No student should ever be given up,
or, especially disturbing:
Most inspiring of all,
and
Mei-Ling greeted Chanterelle with joy
Posted by on 12/12 at 07:15 PMI would also point out that every typo in this thread is attributable to Clarke’s sabotage of the preview feature.
Posted by on 12/12 at 07:17 PMWhen is Steve Fuller’s testimony scheduled?
Posted by on 12/12 at 07:43 PMchristian h. reminds of the various crimes in The Graphic Novel. The last panel stands out for me as the most egregious.
At the time I was feigning the orthodox pro-Clarkeist party line (I had my doubts, of course, but kept my own counsel), and stated that he had cleverly glossed the imminent arrival of the GNF in the background as “Spring Break”. But now it can be revealed what I knew all along - clearly CC was implanting a subliminal message of hope. And with its subsequent escape to Metafilter who knows how many were harmed - as a commenter on his very own blog said:
Awesome. Plus, I love a happy ending. ::sniff::
I’m going to go strike a social realist pose now....
I hereby ask the Minister of Justice to rule that anyone striking a social realist pose in the courtroom be judged a co-conspirator, and that they be taken out with Major Danby and shot.
Posted by on 12/12 at 08:16 PMI hereby apply for posthumous rehabilitation.
Posted by on 12/12 at 08:30 PMAs one may recall, both The Accu(r)sed and I were acknowledged as “bracing Internet interlocutors” in Michael Bérubé’s “What’s Liberal ...?”
Lest I be indicted as a co-defendant on the charge of guilt-by-association, let me state for the record that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Liberal. The Accu(r)sed, on the otherhand, is known to be insufficiently Liberal ...in the Classical sense.
Posted by Roxanne on 12/12 at 08:31 PMOh yeah, good times…
WAIT. I just snapped out of it. Even a small representation of that last panel conjures up feelings of hope! The whole work clearly belongs on the I.N.D.EX. (Insufficiently Nihilistic, Destructive or EXtreme works, a list kept by the MoJ).
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
MoOaD, WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/12 at 08:56 PMThe defense rests
Posted by on 12/12 at 08:57 PMOaktown Girl
Minister of JusticeRE: Subversive Activities
Meaning no disrespect to the current proceedings, I must beg to offer the following evidence of crimes against the WAAGNFNP that are being perpetrated by ouside agitators in the hinter blogland of Pharyngula. The following statement was openly and insolently posted upon their central intratubular kiosk:
Is it too late to join the “We are all giant nuclear fireball” Party?
To which I dutifully commented:
It is the WAAGNFNP - We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball NOW Party. I’m afraid that this must be reported to the proper ministry.
Shouldn’t this naive not be subject to inquisition and prompt imposition of justice for fomenting counter revolutionary activities - I mean really, improper use of capitalization AND misrepresentation of the party name? And, and this is the big and - even though the first and is all caps, the criminal perpetrator also appeared to be casting aspersions on these very proceedings!
I realize that this also puts me in a somewhat precarious position for is it not the messenger that bears the greater measure of guilt. I throw myself on the mercy of the court.
Posted by on 12/12 at 09:48 PMAwwww. Now I say we invite Chris *and* Steve Fuller over for a little mulled wine and we forget our differences. Alan D. can drive everyone home so there’ll be no shorts-eating necessary.
Posted by on 12/12 at 09:57 PM-
Forget our differences, eh? No way! Not until cheap-o McNaturePants hands over the tip he owes me for driving his ass all over the back roads of suburbia. Relaxation? I’ll relax his jaw, and the rest of your nogins, if you don’t collectively cough up the cash.
Posted by on 12/12 at 10:13 PM I’m really sorry all you nice folks have gone to so much trouble to condemn an obviously guilty as hell Chris Clarke, but I have to tell you that your efforts are in vain.
We of the reality based super-governmental organization Giant Asteroid Will Definitely Strike The Earth Real Soon (GAWDSTERS) must reluctantly inform you that the aforementioned Chris Clarke CANNOT be charged by any court that doesn’t accept, anticipate and advertise for the true disaster that will soon be visited upon our collective asses.
Hence, from this day forward, all judicial and extra-judicial actions by the sickly underweight organization WAAGNFNP are declared NULL and VOID. Said Chris Clarke, his person and affects, his writings and gardens, his dogs and mail carriers, are forfeit to GAWDSTERS to be disposed of in the interest of justice, equity and the incredible disaster that we of GAWDSTERS dream about night and day.
We invite those of you enthralled by puny man-made weaponry to put away your childish toys, and come to where the real disaster is.
Our promise:
1. The Earth will soon be struck by a GIANT ASTEROID.
2. All life forms, except for members of GAWDSTERS, will be instantly bar-b-qed to a succulent doneness.
3. The Earth will be knocked from its orbit and plummet into the sun. GAWDSTERS go along for the last ride, WHEE! Free drinks, free bar-b-q!
Thanks for your attention.Posted by Dick Durata on 12/12 at 10:52 PMSplitter!
Posted by on 12/12 at 10:59 PMSandeep is mistaken. I gave him a very generous tip. All kidding aside, I would never stiff a working person on his or her tip.
I stiffed him on the fare. Which is different.
Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/12 at 11:24 PMI’m willing to put it in the past if you humbly agree to sponsor a few of my relatives. They enjoy animals and nature, and can help you blog (with authentic American accents, albeit from a calling center in a distant country) when your woman-friend locks you in the doghouse.
What do you say? You solve my problems, I’ll solve yours. We make a deal here, and I’ll run over that Oaktown Girl and her compadres with my cab.
Posted by on 12/12 at 11:42 PMThe Ministry of Defense and Offense thanks the most attentive and astute Jim in STL for his intel regarding the malignant disrepect the party has received from Pharyngula.
Shouldn’t this naive not be subject to inquisition and prompt imposition of justice for fomenting counter revolutionary activities - I mean really, improper use of capitalization AND misrepresentation of the party name?I have ordered the launch of several sortees of unspeakable ugly upon their host and intend for a limited tactical mini-nukey-fizzy to sneak under their poorly designed defensive walls (captcha).
As for the collection of evidence, we have been out all day
interrogatinginvestigating defense witnesses, to insure that they only speak our truth.Posted by on 12/13 at 12:00 AMGAWDSTERs seemed to have forgotten that GNF’s always defeat the Asteroids in all Party Rochambeau gaming. There is no possible excuse for this attempt to deflect attention and focus on the ShowTrial. This must stop now!
spyder
Minister of Offense and DefensePosted by on 12/13 at 12:10 AMI accuse the Guilty One of dancing the Dance of the Naked Man when it was obvious that dance was verboten. He should have chosen the Robot, or something less offensive. I mean, did he really think he would get away with it?
Plus, he made me like him with mind bullets. I have documentation.
A Jackoff
Non-affiliated
CC-Hater with CredentialsPosted by JackGoff on 12/13 at 12:15 AMDang. I had no idea the regulations of the WAAGNFNP were so stringent. Was it cavalier of me to write of it while in my stocking feet, or is full dress uniform required at all times?
Posted by PZ Myers on 12/13 at 12:15 AMWell, spyder, I might suggest you get Bruce Willis and a thousand other Hollywood starlets to move MY asteroid out of the way so your ‘auto da fe’ might have its little moment. But, oh gee, that asteroid was the size of Texas, ours is Pluto on steroids dude. In fact, maybe it IS Pluto, pissed at being demoted and ready for a very spectacular Revenge of the Planetoids!
As for CC, go on with the show trial if you must (where’s the dancing?), but vengeance is GAWDSTERS’!Posted by Dick Durata on 12/13 at 12:45 AMI have it on good authority that Playboy was thinking of naming the accu®sed’s blog one of the Top Ten Hottest McNatureblogs on toobz.
I think this should be added to the charges.
Word: field
Posted by ifthethunderdontgetya on 12/13 at 01:08 AMtiresome advocacy of causes green and red
I accuse the guilty one! “Causes red and green” indeed.
Has no one considered that Chris Clarke may actually be SANTA CLAUS????
Posted by Kathy McCarty on 12/13 at 02:45 AMor fafblog! or both!
Posted by The Constructivist on 12/13 at 03:30 AMHer Mighty Fierceness, the Minister of Justice, asks us to rise, sing, get happy, and do it snappy:
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming G N F;
It will sear the souls of running jackals, smite them right and lef;
It will cleanse the earth of varmints, let the gamma rays be swiff;
The chain reaction’s on!
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom!
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! The chain reaction’s on!I have read a fiery message writ in glowing flames so bright;
“As ye deal with pesky GAWDSTERS, so your soul my breath shall smite”;
Let Stix Bérubé with his poly-rhythms play all Night,
Gojira’s marching on.
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom!
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira’s marching on.Gojira’s like the glory of the morning on the wave,
She is wisdom to the mighty, She is honor to the brave;
So the world shall be her furnace, and the soul of wrong her slave,
Gojira’s marching on.
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom!
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira’s marching on.
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justicespyder
Minister of Offense and DefenseBill Benzon
Minister of Visual PropagandaWAAGNFNP
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 04:41 AMHas no one considered that Chris Clarke may actually be SANTA CLAUS????
In the oneness that is the GNF we are all Crisped Kringle. We have no need for false Santa Clauses, nor Split Infinitives either, for all Infinities are always already splitting, already fusing, such is the Glory of the GNF.
Man, ain’t it a marvel how good doctrine absolutely covers everything?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 04:49 AMFrom the Minister of Justice
I hereby ask the Minister of Justice to rule that anyone striking a social realist pose in the courtroom be judged a co-conspirator, and that they be taken out with Major Danby and shot.(#65)
So ruled.
Shouldn’t this naive not be subject to inquisition...improper use of capitalization AND misrepresentation of the party name?(#70)
The MoJ rules that PZ Myers must issue a formal apology and correction on his blog or face the consequenses. There will be even greater consequences if he does not squelch the talk among his readers to dump one of their trolls off on us.
Day One summary:
The Good: Excellent sworn testimony against the Guilty One in both prose and verse.
The Bad: Someone making desperate attempts to promote their oh-so-derivative political party in my courtroom. Pathetic. More disturbingly, someone claiming to be part of the Guilty One’s defense team clearly has a baby fetish. For now, the MoJ is willing to give the defense team the benefit of the doubt and rule that this poser is not truly one of theirs. Oh, and the FBI has been notified.
Day Two: Wecome everyone to
Uniform of BrutalityFormal Wear day for the Loyal Prosecution, and don’t we look sharp?Let the accusin’ and inquisitin’ continue!
Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/13 at 05:38 AMFROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE
For those who are new here, and in celebration of the Glorious Chris Clarke Show Trial, we will now have a Patriotic re-posting of the WAAGNFNP Credo.
(Note to poser-wannabe blog-based political parties: Can’t touch this!)
******While the WAAGNFNP’s Ministry of Offense and Defense, (nobly lead by Minister spyder and his second in command, Tribunus Laticlavius Christian), does possess a vital
thugsecurity function, it primarily protects and defends the Party by the power of the pen.And though the WAAGNFNP is, praise Gojira, a manifesto-free zone, we do approve of inspirational writings. So it is with great pleasure that I present to you this resplendent and inspiring credo from Minister spyder (which surely must have Gojira’s approval because the captcha is “nuclear")
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNP
*****When in the Course of all human events, it becomes necessary for one very special party call forth the most powerful of all forces, the massive radioactive presence of Gojira to vaporize the political bondage which connects those of the party to the them of the others, particularly the wingnuts and insanely religiously righteous rightists, and to assume among the powers of the Giant Nuclear Fireball, the separate and equal stations of participational parity to which the Laws of Nature and of Gojira entitle them, a decent and intelligent respect to the opinions of those in the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to call forth the vaporizing Giant Nuclear Fireball.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all species are created equal and are to be returned to their elemental and molecular forms by the GNF, that they are also endowed by Gojira with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Living and Partying until the Fireball, Liberty and Freedom to do all that They can to increase the entropy of the GNF, and the most joy-filled pursuit of all possible Happiness’s in parity with all others. --That to secure these rights, the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party has been instituted on the Earth, deriving its just powers from the common consensual agreements of the party membership, and from Gojira --That whenever any Form of Government or Publication of Front Pages, or other pronouncements of petty fascist despots becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Party to alter or to abolish them, or at least hold them accountable in the sacred ritual of Show Trial, under the incontrovertable authority of the Ministry of Justice, and to institute the call for the Giant Nuclear Fireball, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness prior to the Vaporization by the GNF.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that the inappropriate behaviors of others need be changed by vaporizing light and radioactive causes brought to them that so deserve by Gojira; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that species are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing their natural enemies to which they are accustomed and/or parasitically symbiotic. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object to stop the GNF and evinces a design to restrain Gojira under absolute Despotism, it is the right of all members of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party, it is the duty, to throw off such wingnuttery and batshit craziness, and to provide new opportunities for Gojira to flame on. We the self-anointed, and tremendously important, membership of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party, in order to form the most perfect party, establish the justice of Astaroth, insure complete global vaporization, provide for the GNF to consume the Earth, promote maximal participational parity during the dance of the fireball, and secure Gojira’s blessings of a few liberties solely to ourselves and our very limited posterity, do ordain and establish this Credo of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party.
Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/13 at 07:18 AMI have it on good authority that Playboy was thinking of naming the accu®sed’s blog one of the Top Ten Hottest McNatureblogs on toobz.
I heard that too. So it must be true.
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:10 AM
Having donned my formal wear, I should like to thank the Prosecution’s witnesses for a moving day of testimony and visual aids.
I, for one, was impressed by the sheer *diversity* of the testimony. Brave men and women from many racial, socioeconomic, and generational brackets came to share their harrowing experiences at the hands of Chris Clarke. Why, even the youngest witnesses were able to clearly articulate why Clarke must be judged and evaluated (and perhaps even graded).
In the coming hours, I hope members of the jury will open their hearts and minds, and reflect thoughtfully on the appropriate sentences that should recompense these hideous charges.
Do not spare your true thoughts for fear of offending our delicate sensibilities. I will bravely steel my feelings, and accept whatever barbaric torments your esteemed circle deems fit. I am sure that many among us today came to the Court to see Justice served, and if this procedure can bring us closer to our desires, then I am all for it.
In closing, I look forward to the sentencing phase of this process. I appreciate long sentences, and short ones. I enjoy compound sentences, as well as simple ones. Interrogative sentences are equally as interesting as explanatory ones. We will assess each one on its merits, as opposed to its gender, race, creed, or political persuasion.
Thank you.
M. Foucault
Chief Prosecutor
WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/13 at 08:43 AMGreat blog with lots of useful info…
Posted by Business for sale on 12/13 at 09:06 AMI’m a little unclear on the Formal Wear for Day II concept. Can it include ties with a repeated picture of a grumpy little bird?
Posted by on 12/13 at 09:10 AMAugh! There’s only one explanation for that horribly written sentence: Clarke forced me to do, no doubt to further demonstrate his writing skills.
Figures (captcha).
Posted by on 12/13 at 09:13 AMGreat blog with lots of useful info…
Why, thank you, Bfs! Have you donned your formal wear for today’s proceedings?
Posted by Michael on 12/13 at 09:20 AMIn order to invest these proceedings with a maximum of decorum the WAAGNFNP has hired the Honorable Judge Lance Ito as a decorum and proceedings consultant:
Here is an example of Ito-approved formal judicial dress:
Now, we’re not saying that you must dress in this fashion, only that dressing in this fashion will always be acceptable in this court.
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPcaptcha: “just”
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 09:41 AMI do solemnly swear upon the Sporadic Lights of the Disco Ball, that I will faithfully and honestly testify in the Chris Clarke Show Trial as ordered by the Highest Court of the WAAGNFNP and its Minister of Justice.
And I do sincerely and truly declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me Great Cat.
Now, for my list of accusations against the Wayward One.
Charge: Writing about his dog and his hiking trips without including the requisite class-based analysis.
Charge: Shameless whoring for a Koufax by writing a piss-your-pants funny parody poem about Jeff Goldstein.
Charge: Demonstrating blatant favoritism towards this accuser in doing so, which is against the charter of the WAAGNFNP.
<!--more-->
Charge: Hearsay evidence indicates that Clarke may have been insufficiently pious towards Chomsky, and possibly may have even chortled at this joke.
Charge: Suggesting I wear a burqua for Halloween. He didn’t actually do this, but it might as well have been him.
Charge: Helping to spread the vegetarian menace, knowing full well that vegetarianism is nothing but a bourgeois affectation that could have dangerous long term effects on bovine stern emission levels.
Charge: Rumor has it that Chris told Ann Althouse that Jessica Valenti has breasts.
Charge: The Wayward One called Althouse a “moderate”, setting off a chain of events that require the left blogosphere to vote en masse for The Moderate Voice to keep her from crowing about her victory.
Charge: Mocking David Horowitz. The WAAGNFNP may not like Horowitz’s politics, but he’s still an honorary member because we like his style.
Charge: The phrase is ”socialist-realism”.
Charge: For doing a half-assed job when tasked with this. You were supposed to get him steaming drunk so he hurled racial slurs at the cops, and he only got a DUI.
Charge: Being the same person as Auguste and Michael Bérubé and possibly even me. Charges leveled here.
Charge: Advocating violence as a way for women to resolve domestic disputes. Not funny, Chris! These kinds of jokes only give our right wing enemies ammo to use against us.
Posted by Amanda Marcotte on 12/13 at 09:46 AMThank you, Amanda!
And for the record, I don’t believe any of those horrible and nasty remarks the Guilty One is always whispering in our (MOJ) ear about you. We think you’re SUPER, and so is Pandagon!
Ministry of Justice
Oaktown Girl, MinisterPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/13 at 09:59 AMThe members of the Shape Note Defensorial Defense Squad lift their voices in doleful harmony as they lead their charge in stately, reluctant procession to his place in the crowded courtroom for Day Two of the proceedings (The entire squad attired in matching business-casual dominoes courtesy of the great folks at Business for Sale. Thanks, Bfs!):
Talk about suffering here below
and stop this hatin’ on Chris Clarke!Talk about sufferin here below
and ease off hatin’ on Chris Clarke!The GNF is coming, now don’t you want to go
and leave this world of sorrow and troubles here below?O, can’t you hear it comrades, and don’t you want to go
and leave this world of sorrow and troubles here below?
The GNF is coming, now don’t you want to go
and leave this world of sorrow and troubles here below?Posted by on 12/13 at 10:13 AMWAAGNFNP Central Communications Interchange has just received notice that Gojira has a vision to transmit:
Gojira approves the proceedings so far, and is looking at the intrusion of Irresponsible Third Parties into these proceedings. She would like to remind you that you are under oath and that, Her Fierceness, the . . . .
Wait! There’s an emergency transmission:
It’s a yellow alert! There’s trouble in the Internetical Tubezone. Michael “Stix” Bérubé, The Intrepid One, has gotten trapped in the Bizarro World by a jealous Anti-3Tops. We’ll ch