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One percent doctrine


It has come to my attention that there is a one percent chance that former Soviet Minister for Foreign Affairs Andrei Gromyko got to the young Richard Cheney in 1974 and re-programmed him to destroy the United States from within.  Apparently there is a one percent chance that Cheney has been carrying out this mission ever since.

What are our options?

Posted by on 07/24 at 02:51 PM
  1. Ain’t sure of the options (legal ones that is), but I have a theory that there is a more than 1% chance our President was re-programmed by Howdy Doody and Karl Rove might actually be Clara Bell.

    captcha is growing, as in I’m growing increasingly weary of these folks!

    Posted by  on  07/24  at  04:47 PM
  2. What are our options?

    Duck and cover!  Duck and cover! 

    (There’s a 1% chance that my suggestion will work.)

    Posted by Christian Anderson  on  07/24  at  06:15 PM
  3. Invade Cheney with an army of 150,000 viruses. (Some may argue that those aren’t enough viruses, but I think we need to be small and fast).  Have the viruses occupy the body until his various internal organs demand a new independent body and hold elections. At this point his blood will be afraid to leave the kidney zone thus resulting in a dangerously unstable heart. Civil war will break out between his red and white blood cells. Invariably his body will fall apart, frightening the rest of the neo-con cabal so much that they leave the country, head to Mexico and become undocumented bean harvesters. Meanwhile democracy overtakes Washington and everyone gets free chocolate and flowers.

    I think that’s reasonable.

    Posted by b.  on  07/24  at  06:34 PM
  4. OOOOooooooooooooo Mikey you are SO SO clever. You must be a....gasp...English professor!

    Posted by  on  07/24  at  06:39 PM
  5. I sure can’t improve on b.’s plan.

    Posted by Orange  on  07/24  at  06:45 PM
  6. b., that sounds good to me.  And if our viruses are swarmed with antibodies, that merely means we’ll be fighting the antibodies over there so that we don’t have to fight them here.  You know, kinda like flypaper or something.

    Let freedom ring!

    And Chris, that’s a good point.  Thanks!  It’s a shame you sat out the Yeats discussion.  We could have used your insight on that one. 

    Posted by  on  07/24  at  08:29 PM
  7. Yo Mike—I had it with gyres and cones years ago. Yeats gossip is SO Horwitzian Brechtian Proustian Goncharovian and Dickensian that I can’t compete, so I’ll stick to gender studies and navel-gazing and leave it to the pros.

    But I do have a “I luv Yeats” t-shirt.

    Posted by  on  07/24  at  08:44 PM
  8. And Mike, you English-language gatekeeper wildman you...whaddya think of your Vietnam foxhole buddy Kerry’s comment that “if I WAS president there would be peace in the middle east.”

    Kerry says he would have gotten FRANCE involved. How...Yeatsian.

    Posted by  on  07/24  at  08:46 PM
  9. Richard Cheney is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

    Richard Cheney is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

    Richard Cheney is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

    Richard Cheney is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

    Posted by  on  07/24  at  09:07 PM
  10. This reminds me of the theory in The Plot Against America in which Lindbergh is an unwilling Hitler puppet as early as 1932, eight years before he’s elected. If I recall, what ended Hitler’s influence over President Lindbergh in that book was a call by the first lady to dissolve the executive branch and hold a presidential election at mid-term time. In Roth’s novel, that’s when FDR wins his third term. I’m thinking that wouldn’t be a bad way to go now.

    Posted by  on  07/24  at  11:03 PM
  11. Hey Chris: some of the guys back in the marijuana thread asked you to provide evidence for your claims there. You haven’t done so. I’m sure that’s just an oversight. But it seems like you ought to finish that project before starting a new one.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  07/24  at  11:13 PM
  12. also, b.: I’m confident the viruses will be greeted as liberators.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  07/24  at  11:14 PM
  13. Dang, isn’t anyone going to use the word “cakewalk”?  Where’s Ken Adelman when we really need him?

    Posted by  on  07/24  at  11:23 PM
  14. You don’t understand the basic protocols of rational decision-making under conditions of uncertainty.  Assuming you’re right about the probability that Cheney is inhabited from within, before dispatching him you must also take into account all the low-probability high-cost outcomes that may arise as a result of his removal.  Like the chance you’ll ignite a global jihad.  See what I’m saying?

    It’s really very simple.  It’s doled out in 50-minute blocks to tens of thousands of inattentive undergraduate business students in thousands of colleges & universities every semester.  No one who displays the ignorance you’ve just exhibited is fit to hold the position of responsibility you occupy.  I’m sorry, but you need to be told.

    Posted by  on  07/25  at  01:51 AM
  15. Cheney’s rate of decay seems to be accelerating lately, so we may just need patience. On the other hand, if those rumors about him being undead are true, we’re SOL.

    And Chris, if you really want to change the subject and get Michael to dance to your tune, get him talking about Danish cartoons.

    Posted by  on  07/25  at  08:13 AM
  16. You shall find all the answers you need in Philip K Dick’s “Radio Free Albemuth”. Trust me. Trust Aramchek.

    Posted by Greg  on  07/25  at  10:01 AM
  17. Michael,

    Bad news--I think Chris has got you on this one.  I think it’s the “OOOOoooooooooooooo” and “SO SO” that brought me around. 

    captcha:  closed, as in thanks to Chris, the discussion is.

    Posted by Crazy Little Thing  on  07/25  at  10:05 AM
  18. Crazy Little Thing, I couldn’t agree more. Nothing like a good ol’ “neener neener neener” to really get someone’s goat.

    Penman, 52 of them! Take a good look at ‘em, Penman, look at ‘em, and while you’re looking, listen. This is me, Trout, talking. 52 red queens and me are telling you… you know what we’re telling you? It’s over! The links, the beautifully conditioned links are smashed. They’re smashed as of now because we say so, because we say they are to be smashed. We’re busting up the joint, we’re tearing out all the wires. We’re busting it up so good all the queen’s horses and all the queen’s men will never put old Penman back together again. You don’t work any more! That’s an order. Anybody invites you to a game of solitaire, you tell ‘em sorry, buster, the ball game is over.

    Posted by Trout  on  07/25  at  11:04 AM
  19. Arrrrrrrrgggh.  I hate being rhetorically pwned on my own blog.

    Posted by Michael  on  07/25  at  11:52 AM
  20. Count me in for b’s plan!

    Dang, isn’t anyone going to use the word “cakewalk”?

    And we should also find a way to work in “slam dunk”. The last guy to use “slam dunk” in relation to a military operation got the freakin’ Presidential Medal of Freedom. Just imagine what they’ll give us!


    Posted by  on  07/25  at  01:08 PM
  21. Couldn’t we find someone who would take Dicky into a large commercial food production facility where his pacemaker can be zapped by the various microwave outputs and magnets and irradiators???? Unlike other national figures, Dick can’t walk through hotel kitchens, or through hospital basements (and some metal detectors), because of his internal circuitry. 

    Captcha word is “doubt” as in i doubt there is much we can do about any of this.  I even doubt in the one percent chance (though not in 1%’ers, because they are, for the most part, very large and very nasty motorcycle riders).

    Posted by  on  07/25  at  01:58 PM
  22. We are clearly living in the reality thread where Biff/Karl/Dick gets the Sports Almanac. I will suggest that there is a 1% chance that Time Travel will be perfected - so that someone in the future can go back and fix it. (untangling what happens then is left as an exercise for the reader. This essay on time travel stories from the late, lamented Stanislaw Lem may be of help in that.)

    So everyone should just relax - help (is/ shall have been being) on its way. Maybe.

    In the meantime, I counsel endangering our livelihoods by producing, consuming and commenting on <insert your favorite conic section adjective here> snark. Ooops… got to run to a budget meeting.

    Posted by  on  07/25  at  02:31 PM
  23. This is your last warning, Stormcrow. As Compumesh Politics Warden for the sector containing this bjournal, I must again inform you that advocacy of time travel is an imprisonment offense. Have you forgotten the lessons of 1975, and the utter chaos that followed the inexplicable time-travel attack on the White House Chief of Staff? Perhaps you are too young to have lived through the dollar-a-gallon gasoline famine, the humiliating rout of our troops during the Korean War of Reunification, and the near-collapse of the federal government in 1977 in the wake of the Peanut Dome scandal. You should be getting down on your hands and knees and thanking President Seale for bringing this country together, especially in the wake of the horrendous assassination of Vice President Horowitz by that disgruntled conservative academic from 2009. (Is there any word in the English language more loathesome than “Bainbridge?” I think not.)

    President Lyon signed the time travel laws for a reason, and despite the bit of embarrassment the First Husband has caused her with those side businesses — Béru-beer? Oh, please — she deserves more from us that idle, destructiove chatter about the deadliest technology known to peoples’ science. Loose lips rewrite time’s scripts!

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  07/25  at  03:08 PM
  24. That’s Dick Cheney!? I thought it was Peter Sellers from Dr. Strangelove.

    Posted by  on  07/25  at  03:46 PM
  25. The resemblance to the young Homer Simpson also bears mention.

    Posted by Michael  on  07/25  at  05:14 PM
  26. So in what world do you reside “Chris Clarke”? I suspect you mock me.
    Per S. Lem:

    EVEN THOUGH a circular causal structure may signalize a frivolous type of content, this does not mean that it is necessarily reduced to the construction of comic antinomies for the sake of pure entertainment

    In my world, if it is necessary to travel back in time and proactively tolchook the gulliver of the chelloveck who brainwashed Bob Newhart Dick Cheney - we do it, and no appy polly logies to anyone my droogie.

    ... and if there is no Time Travel as you say - then why did Bruce Willis just briefly materialize naked in front of me and eat a spider?

    Posted by  on  07/25  at  06:31 PM
  27. Oh, please — she deserves more from us that idle, destructiove chatter about the deadliest technology known to peoples’ science.

    The Eboni are being chased by Aztec Ace across eons of time, as they prank event continuums just to cause the problems that the bill was designed to protect.  Someone will however need to hitchhike with one of them, maybe in the Doctor’s Taras and correct this new wrong:

    The LA Times just announced that it will not cover the NHL next year with assigned reporters. They have determined that there is no sufficient market in LA to use up column inches talking about the Kings and the Ducks.

    Posted by  on  07/25  at  07:05 PM
  28. Readers of comment 23 should be advised that Secretary of the Interior and Director of Time Travel Chris Clarke knows whereof (and whenof) he speaks.

    Posted by  on  07/25  at  07:57 PM
  29. I had it with gyres and cones years ago. Yeats gossip is SO Horwitzian Brechtian Proustian Goncharovian and Dickensian that I can’t compete, so I’ll stick to gender studies and navel-gazing and leave it to the pros.

    Posted by France Guide  on  06/05  at  06:17 PM
  30. Better chance than McCain being turned.

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