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A MESSAGE FROM OAKTOWN GIRL, WAAGNFNP MINISTER OF JUSTICE

CHRIS CLARKE SHOW TRIAL UPDATE

It is my regret to inform you that there was a slight mishap in the transportation of Mr. Clarke to the WAAGNFNP’s Re-education Center.  Apparently, the cab driver was not a native speaker of English and took The Guilty One The Accused to the WAAGNFNP’s Relaxation Center, where he has spent the last several weeks enjoying Deep Tissue Massages, Eucalyptus Steam Wraps, Sea Salt Body Scrubs, and Gentleman’s Manicures. 

Because it is available only to Inner Party members, the WAAGNFNP’s Relaxation Center is not a locked facility.  As a result, teh Clarke has been able to come and go as he pleases, and has spent lots of time hiking, playing with his dog, and enjoying quality family time. In sum: he’s gotten no re-education at all.

This means that at the Show Trial we’re going to have to hit him fast and we’re going to have to hit him hard.  Remember, ours is a compassionate mission, people.  We want our Guilty One Accused to love the GNF and the Party.  So:  no mercy.

There will be two full days of sworn testimony, and then we need him ready, willing and happy to sign the Statement of Guilt by day three. Day three will also be a time of joyous jury deliberation where we decide on punishments for The Guilty One The Accused . . . and his wicked Defense Team too. Keep checking back here frequently for further details.

Yours in Service,

Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNP

A POSTSCRIPT FROM THE GENERAL SECRETARY
AND PRESIDENT FOR (THANKFULLY BRIEF) LIFE

The Party thanks you for this update, Minister Oaktown Girl.  The Chris Clarke Show Trial will begin on Tuesday, December 12, and run through Thursday, December 14.  The prosecution should begin mapping out its strategy for next week, and getting all the stuffing up one end.  In light of recent controversies, witnesses make take the oath on any book of their choice except the Bible.

And we’ll be back tomorrow with yet another exciting announcement!

Posted by on 12/07 at 08:46 PM
  1. Okay, fine. If you people are going to persist in this silliness, I have no choice but to make it known that I have sneaked a peek in the Green Room here at michaelberube.com what with my special former guestblogger key and all, and the big special exciting surprise Michael has for all of us tomorrow…

    ...is a pony. He’s giving us each a pony.

    Are you all happy now? See what you made me do? Ruining that nice surprise? This is but a mere taste of my powers of ruining things. You have been warned.

    Posted by Chris "the long-hoped-for bullet entering my brain  on  12/07  at  10:14 PM
  2. And I’ve also disregarded the WAAGNFN allowable-length-of-commenters’-names restrictions! So There! This is but a mere taste of my restriction-disregarding powers. You have been warned.

    Captcha: degree. Is this some sort of cheap shot, Bérubé? You know I’m sensitive about that subject. This is but a mere taste of my sensitivity, have been warned, etc. etc. etc.

    Posted by -for bullet entering my brain" Clarke  on  12/07  at  10:19 PM
  3. Minister Oaktown Girl!  Call the special Tom Tancredo English-Only Livery Service and restrain this Clarke character.  He is running around inside the blog engine room, releasing the ponies, and breaking all my commenters’-names restrictions!

    Posted by Michael  on  12/07  at  10:27 PM
  4. I am deeply saddened by Comrade Clarke’s apparent intransigence. I did, however, not expect anything better; after all, it was Comrade Clarke who penned the following lines:

    People smile and emulate my writing style,
    and they’ve got my file,
    Think I’m gonna have a trial.
    It will be NKVD with a Maoist ref, Justice blind and deaf,
    Thralling to the GNF.

    I trust that the traitors insubordination will not go unpunished, ponies or no.

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  10:34 PM
  5. And as you can see, Comrade Clarke also managed to hypnotize me into misspelling “traitor’s”. I am warning you, Clarke: next week is finals week at Illinois, and I am going to be in a very nasty mood from all the grading.

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  10:38 PM
  6. I move for an immediate dismissal on the grounds that christian messed up his apostrophizing of “traitor’s.”

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/07  at  10:39 PM
  7. And what’s with that period outside the quotation marks? Doesn’t look like American typography to me.

    captcha: example, as in I refuse to be one made out of.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/07  at  10:41 PM
  8. Clearly, Clarke has been reduced to the invocation of mere technicalities. But he won’t have the right to appeal to those weaklings at the 9th Circuit!

    captcha: level, as in Clarke hasn’t been on it.

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  10:47 PM
  9. Let’s not forget the more serious charge that was levelled some weeks ago against Mr. Crisp Clarke: that he broke into Oaktown Girl’s house and stole her collection of Simpsons’ tapes.

    And there was that horrible ode to his dog.

    And there was his ruthless impersonation of one Kirby Olson.

    And there was his failure to create a GNF-for-Dummies visual aid in a timely manner.

    And there was his release of the ponies.

    And there was his role in the Britney Spears underwear scandal (which we cannot divulge for fear of leaking state secrets that must be kept secret).

    captcha: pattern, as in “All this behavior indicates a bad one.”

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  10:47 PM
  10. I refuse to be one made out of.

    Another “technicality”:  ending the sentence a preposition with.

    Heh.  Clarke-baiting is fun!

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  10:48 PM
  11. Different topic: last I checked, Michael was getting hammered by some Ivy League failures in the weblog awards. The WAAGNFNP must not stand for that. What could be more educational than a show trial?

    captcha: needs, as in “everyone needs to vote early and often.”

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  10:57 PM
  12. The Wheel of WAAGNFNP Justice is real, not metaphorical, and we keep it in the Green Room:

    Wheel of Justice

    Bill Benzon
    Minister of Visual Propaganda
    WAAGNFNP

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/07  at  11:05 PM
  13. Thanks for the reminder, christian h.

    So… it looks like the formidable (tee hee)Defence Team has bailed. Will Chris Clarke ride his little pony into the crimson sunset (er, prison) all alone?

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  11:06 PM
  14. And there was his ruthless impersonation of one Kirby Olson.

    This morning I woke up in a Show Trial;
    Oh god, I was a prisoner, too - yeah!
    For mocking Reformation Surrealism;
    Theses-nailers wouldn’t vote for Shirley Chisholm. Hey!

    How many comments did I have to post,
    Before Kirby gave up the ghost? Hey!
    All that we got, it seems we have lost;
    In a rush to Giant Nuclear Holocaust.

    So I pretend to be
    A virgin and a Lutheran tonight
    (say we gonna verge and luth)
    A virgin and a Lutheran tonight
    (one more thing)
    I verge on persecution tonight;
    (oh, yeah, yeah)
    A virgin and a Lutheran tonight.

    Another “technicality”:  ending the sentence a preposition with.

    Fine. I refuse to be one made out of, you callous star-chamber-having WAAGNFNP kangaroo-court thugs.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/07  at  11:07 PM
  15. This morning I woke up in a Show Trial;
    Oh god, I was a prisoner, too - yeah!

    Hey, I like this.  It’s catchy.  Minister Oaktown Girl, shall we don the uniforms of brutality?

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  11:13 PM
  16. Some final thoughts for the Lutheran virgin to ponder before Madonna and those of us who used to be Roman Catholics but are now just Roman pummel your butt:

    http://cyberbrethren.typepad.com/cyberbrethren/2006/06/good_bad_or_ind.html

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  11:25 PM
  17. This proves it. CC is really Lex Luthor. First, he makes fun of Clark Kent by adding that effete “e” to his name; now he coyly plays the Luthoran. It all fits. Up to now I had believed that Clarke wants to stop the inevitable march towards the GNF. Now I think Lex Luthor just might want all the glory for himself. Well, same diff’. I applaud the Comrade MoJ Oaktown Girl for scheduling the CCST in the nick of time!

    captcha: effect, as in “fire for effect”, but only nuclear ammunition.

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  11:35 PM
  18. last I checked, Michael was getting hammered by some Ivy League failures in the weblog awards

    Yes, the situation is most distressing.  There is only one way to fix this:  assign them all to review What’s Liberal for various minor East Coast newspapers.

    Posted by  on  12/07  at  11:41 PM
  19. Minister Oaktown Girl, shall we don the uniforms of brutality?

    You mean our Show Trial Formal Wear? You bet! That’s already scheduled for CCST Day Two.

    Oaktown Girl
    MOJ
    WAAGNFNP

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  12:06 AM
  20. A MESSAGE FROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    First, I would like to thank the Accused for so freely sharing his thoughts with us. Everytime he speaks, he just adds to the list of charges: unauthorized entry into the Green Room, disregarding the WAAGNFN allowable-length-of-commenters’-names restrictions, and egregiously releasing the ponies. Keep talking, Clarke. It’s just all too delicious.

    Second, I advise all loyal WAAGNFNP members to keep checking back at this thread tomorrow and throughout the weekend for valuable CCST news, updates, sing-alongs, and messages from Gojira and friends.

    Third, it gives me great pleasure to announce that christian h is the new Tribunus Laticlavius of the Ministry of Offense and Defesnse, serving directly under the most honorable Minister spyder. Congratulations, Christian!

    With the strength and cunning of MOOAD leading the way for the Loyal Prosecution in conjunction with the irrefutable visual evidence provided by the Minister of Visual Propaganda, plus the testimony of loyal Party members such as Foucault and The Constructivist, teh Clarke and his Defense Team are toast. Sweet, sweet toast.

    I will speak with you all again later after some desperately needed sleep.

    Yours in Service,

    Oaktown Girl
    Minister of Justice
    WAAGNFNP

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  01:25 AM
  21. Something to pin on your uniform of brutality.

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  02:29 AM
  22. The Chris Clarke Show Trial will begin on Tuesday, December 12, and run through Thursday, December 14.

    What if there’s a snowstorm?

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  05:15 AM
  23. Cool. I’ve always wanted to be a

    Posted by Minister of Propaganda and related by marriage to  on  12/08  at  08:02 AM
  24. !

    Posted by the first Hawaiian to win the Hawaiian Open  on  12/08  at  08:03 AM
  25. What if there’s a snowstorm?

    Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

    I know, I know, Michael-baiting is fun.

    Posted by Michael  on  12/08  at  08:44 AM
  26. Even though Clarke has already admitted his guilt, he needs counsel.  Humbly, and in the sole interest of the greater glory of the WAAGNFNP, I recommend myself.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  09:59 AM
  27. I recommend myself

    I second that.

    /pr
    Ad Hoc Defensorial Defense Team of Defenders of Your Man McNaturepants Cadre (Second Line)

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  10:22 AM
  28. Cool badge!

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/08  at  10:31 AM
  29. As Chief Prosecutor,

    I respond to the appointment of Charles to the Defense Team with some dismay. You will remember that whatever punishment the Court rules as fit for Clarke shall be your punishment, as well. On that matter, where is Ms. Amanda French and her villanelle?

    For now, this will be a period of evidence gathering. We must outline the many different ways in which Chris Clarke has deceived us all throughout his years on this planet.

    I recently learned that he has been impersonating a British business advisor and freelance journalist:
    http://www.chrisclarke.com/

    As bloody uninteresting as this British impersonation may seem on the surface of things, it goes further to show that Chris Clarke is a compulsive doppel-ganger and must be stopped.
    If you have other evidence of his double-dealing life (including, perhaps, trips to Las Vegas or photographs of him as Lex Luthor), please bring them to the attention of the Prosecution.

    Thank you.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  10:42 AM
  30. . . . photographs of him as Lex Luthor

    Or 007. First a British business advisor, now Lex Luthor, can James Bond be far behind?

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/08  at  10:53 AM
  31. James Bond!?

    Please refrain from glamorizing or in any way condoning Clarke’s shape-shifting behavior. I’ve recently found his discography, which features one telling song called “The Dogs.” We already know where THAT is going…

    And he dropped the effete “e” from his overly alliterative name in this instance, so beware of seemingly more plain-spoken Chris Clarks, as well.

    http://www.themilkfactory.co.uk/reviews/cclark_disco.htm

    captcha: problem. Need I say more?

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  11:14 AM
  32. A MESSAGE FROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE
    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    Even though Clarke has already admitted his guilt, he needs counsel.  Humbly, and in the sole interest of the greater glory of the WAAGNFNP, I recommend myself.

    Charles-
    Your interest in the greater glory of the WAAGNFNP is laudable and I salute your party patriotism. However, at this time Herr Clarke already has lead defense council, and they are Messieurs Protevei and p.ramus.

    My dictum to you and to all good WAAGNFNP Patriots is to devote yourself and your considerable talents, both verse and non-verse, to the Loyal Prosection. Please know that your Minister of Justice is kind and wise and gentlehearted and fair. Should anything go too far askew, even by show trial standards, know that the MoJ will quickly make whatever adjustments are needed. I’ll repost this snippet from 10/30 (#135) which may help strenghten the determination of those who’ve forgotten what exactly is going on:

    *****
    Everybody else – it appears many of you are putting your personal feelings for Mr. Clarke ahead of the good of the WAAGNFN Party, and this is unacceptable. This is a show trial, people, which means the power of the prosecution must be overwhelming (at least on paper) compared to the defense in order to make this thing work and give the WAAGNFN Party the stature and credibility it so richly deserves.
    As we are still in the pre-trial stages, it’s not too late for any of you to either jump ship to or join with the prosecution’s side.  Put on your big boy / big girl panties and grow at least half the spine Mr. Clarke has!  Besides, it will be fun.  In addition to the unbridled guilt-free joy of leveling wild accusations, planting evidence, and nominating dream-team cage match-ups, one of you will have the singular honor of writing Mr. Clarke’s Statement of Guilt. (Prize/s will most likely be involved, both verse and non-verse.)
    *****
    And now, dear Charles, the Ministry of Justice and the Ministry of Offense and Defense urge you to state your committment to the Loyal Prosecution below. Thank you.

    Oaktown Girl
    Minister of Justice
    WAAGNFNP

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  11:46 AM
  33. I object!

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  11:51 AM
  34. Nevermind. Just testing.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  11:51 AM
  35. one of you will have the singular honor of writing Mr. Clarke’s Statement of Guilt. (Prize/s will most likely be involved, both verse and non-verse.)

    If they mess up the meter or rhyme, you must acquit!

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/08  at  12:07 PM
  36. Thank you Mrs. Minister of Justice for allowing me this opportunity to speak.

    I have witnessed Mr. Clarke’s crimes first hand, by way of a trust-worthy mutual acquaintance. As if the egregious nature of his transgressions weren’t enough, he carried them out with a most brazen demeanor. He is a scourge to the WAAGNFNP. I swear it!

    On more than many occasions I witnessed his flagrant hopefulness; allusions to a distant future; and worst of all, a willful concern for living things. It shames me to even have to speak these things… but I cannot remain silent. He must be punished. The future of the WAAGNFNP demands justice!

    captcha: values <- he’s exhibited these as well. Disgusting.

    Posted by Central Content Publisher  on  12/08  at  12:10 PM
  37. I would like to state for the record that while CCP and I have several mutual acquaintances, I can think of none that are trustworthy.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/08  at  12:12 PM
  38. What a liar that Chris Clarke is, and how bold-facedly he dissembles. I am a trustworthy mutual acquaintance of CC and CCP. I have witnessed firsthand, by way of other mutual and trustworthy acquaintances, the heinous nature of the crimes specified above.

    Moreover, I have heard Chris Clarke speaking, through the grapevine, about the 76 Lutheran virgins that he will bed upon losing this trial. I think it is time for some sectarian violence (or at least vehemence) to show him the error of his Lutheran ways and beliefs.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  12:17 PM
  39. 76 Lutheran virgins

    Cue The Music Man: 76 Trombones

    One for each virgin.

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/08  at  12:24 PM
  40. Yes, this could be a very noisy consummation. We must shut it down before it ever proceeds.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  12:28 PM
  41. What a liar that Chris Clarke is, and how bold-facedly he dissembles

    Is this the sort of regard for truth we can expect from these proceedings? All my dissembling here has been either Roman or italicized.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/08  at  12:36 PM
  42. "All my dissembling here has been either Roman or italicized.”

    Aha--a clear confession of guilt! He claims he is a Roman italicizer *and* a liar, to boot!

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  12:48 PM
  43. eco2geek - thank you so much for that kick-ass badge. I shall wear it with pride on CCST Day Two: Uniform of Brutality Day Formal Wear Day. And to everyone -how should we have the Guilty One be dressed on Day Two: Formal Wear Day?

    CCP - I am, for the time being, technically a “Miss” or “Ms.”, not a Mrs. It is important for the Minister of Justice, for the time being, to remain officially single so that the men of the WAAGNFNP can harbor secret fantasies that one day they may make her their own, and will therefore work harder to please her, and by so doing, work harder for the Greater Good of the WAAGNFNP. It’s a burden I must carry in the name of Justice.

    Back with more later, when we’ll get the sing alongs going to help those who wish to testify in verse get all warmed up for Day One. (And fan the flames of WAAGNFNP patriotism in everyone else).

    Oaktown Girl
    MOJ
    WAAGNFNP

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  01:09 PM
  44. He claims he is a Roman italicizer *and* a liar, to boot!

    Yes, his adnission merely serves to underscore his guilt.

    And following this bold precedent:

    Please your Majesty, said the Knave, I didn’t write it, and they can’t prove I did: there’s no name signed at the end.

    If you didn’t sign it, said the King, that only makes the matter worse. You MUST have meant some mischief, or else you’d have signed your name like an honest man.

    I hereby lay at the feet of the accused every sin of commission, omission and emission on this or any other blog, real or imagined, now and in the (mercifully short) future.

    Captcha: total - (I think that sums it up)

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  01:15 PM
  45. "Yes, his adnission merely serves to underscore his guilt.”

    I agree with your summation, JP Stormcrow. However, I am concerned about your typo in the key word, “admission.” I don’t want Clarke whining that he should be acquited on a technicality because one of our superb prosecutors misspelled a word, or mangled the meter of a rhyme!

    What say you, fair MoJ Oaktown Girl? Will there be any adverse consequences during the show trial for those (one either side of this one-sided fence) who fail to spell or rhyme according to accepted standards?

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  01:49 PM
  46. Foucault - rhyming, rhythm, and meter violations will be judged on a case-by-case basis. Typo violations, however, will be given a pass. Due to a still-unrepaired kink in the new software “upgrade” for this blog, the “submit” button fails to work from the “preview” screen. So as you know, anyone wanting to actually preview their testimony will have to go through a bit of a maze. I discussed this with Our Leader just yesterday, and we are not optimistic that it will be corrected by Show Time.

    I would like to be able to say that typo violations will only count against the Defense Team, but it might taint my uncheckered veneer of impartiality.

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  02:23 PM
  47. I obgect!

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  02:26 PM
  48. Not too worry, since we are all Folk SongShow Trial Army now.

    The tune don’t have to be clever,
    And it don’t matter if you put a coupla extra syllables into a line.
    It sounds more ethnic working class if it ain’t good English,
    And it don’t even gotta rhyme--excuse me--rhyne.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  02:43 PM
  49. A Lehrer quote? I move for a declaration of mistrial.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/08  at  02:47 PM
  50. This moving for a mistrial is senseless and inappropriate. Your CCST appointed counsels know full well that you are not entitled to anything, especially to motions at this time.  All pre-trial hearings are being administered under the MCA of 2006, and thus the sole purview of the Ministry of Defense and Offense.  The evidence against you is a state secret, and as such, must be kept, well, you know, secret.  There will be no further motions on your part; we have sent our quack team of nanobot operated mini-dinos to put the Lock of Shame mark upon your head (that long hair is getting long), and all further movement will be traced by the Ministry, and reported, through the Central Scrutinizer to The Supplicant.  Efforts on your part to remove said Lock will be used in the trial as evidence of your increasing wrongdoing. 

    spyder
    Minister of Offense and Defense

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  02:59 PM
  51. Sorry pal, but you’re starting to sound an awful lot like Saddam Hussein. Next thing ya know, you’ll be telling us that you’re the legitimate leader of WAAGNFNP or something.

    Why don’t you go back in your holding cell and start writing your memoirs? We’ll call you when we need you.

    Praise the honorable and just MoJ Oaktown Girl for these equitable show trial rules!!

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  03:00 PM
  52. If they mess up the meter or rhyme, you must acquit!

    There’s no glove of meter, nor mitt of rhyme, your trial’s begun, you are out of time!!!

    the captcha is of course “military,” and as the Minister of Offense and Defense, i have ordered all Lilliputian units to proceed immediate to target launch coordinates, to begin preparing the restraints for deployment.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  03:08 PM
  53. It’s WAAGNFNP Patriotic hymn time!
    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    OK folks, here is your opportunity to warm up your verse chops for the CCST and also make great contributions to the WAAGNFNP. (It would bode well for the Guilty One to participate).

    I am reposting Bill’s verses so far of his Battle Hymn of the WAAGNFNP. We will need more verses as at some point during the Glorious CCST, all will be called on to rise and sing.

    I am also reposted the tiny bit I have for our Glorious CCST VIP, the Prince of Accusers and Inquisitors himself, Lord Astaroth. It’s to the tune of O Holy Night. Please help me out here, people. The Prince was successfully summoned on Wed. night (#2), and he’s camped out on my couch here until Show Time. He’s not at all pleased that his hymn is still so...modest. He’s threatening to commandeer my TV and commence a non-stop showing of every damnable episode of According to Jim that The Guilty One loaded on my DVR while erasing all my Simpsons Better jump in here and help, folks. The MoJ won’t be ready to run a show trial on Tuesday if she gouges her eyes out today.

    Important Note - for purposes of song and ballade, the Giant Nuclear Fireball may be abbreviated as GNF,GNF, or any other combination of those 3 letters.
    *****
    Battle Hymn of the WAAGNFNP so far:

    Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming G F N;
    It will sear the souls of running jackals, smite them once again;
    It will cleanse the earth of varmints, let the gamma rays begin;
    The chain reaction’s on!
    Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom!
    Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! The chain reaction’s on.

    Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming G N F;
    It will sear the souls of running jackals, smite them right and lef;
    It will cleanse the earth of varmints, let the gamma rays be swiff;
    The chain reaction’s on!
    Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom!
    Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! The chain reaction’s on!

    Gojira’s like the glory of the morning on the wave,
    She is wisdom to the mighty, She is honor to the brave;
    So the world shall be her furnace, and the soul of wrong her slave,
    Gojira’s marching on.
    Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom!
    Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira’s marching on.

    Bill Benzon
    Minister of Visual Propaganda and Lyricist Pro Tem*
    WAAGNFNP

    *LPT is a rotating title. You write it, you got it.
    (Orignianlly posted in the 12/4/06 Feet Happy and Unhappy thread).
    ****

    And Prince Astaroth is keenly aware of some of the customs of this season, and shares this bit of joyous verse, sung to the tune of <i>O Holy Night, and commands <strike>subpoenas</i> invites the Great Lyricists of the WAAGNFNP to please add on:</i>

    O Holy Court
    The Prince is proudly reigning
    Lord Astaroth has some
    Questions for Clarke.

    Oaktown Girl
    Minister of Justice
    WAAGNFNP

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  03:29 PM
  54. Crap. Accidentally hit the “enter” button instead of the “preview”. But I think you get my meaning.

    captcha: “indeed”. Quite right.

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  03:32 PM
  55. Esteemed opposing counsel has been MS-led. That is not Astaroth, but rather his younger brother David Lee.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/08  at  03:41 PM
  56. Not five minutes ago The Miscreant was observed sitting in this very chair, playing a fiddle, while the Cage Match rages unabated. The must be at least five counts of felony noise pollution and 13 counts of misdirected attention.

    While the Cage Match Raged

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/08  at  03:50 PM
  57. 102532050_fa8c8a9891.jpg?v=0

    I would like to submit further evidence of the accused’s nefarious ubiquity.  This sign was evidently seen on the streets of Amsterdam, a city that the WAAGNFNP recognizes no legitimate reason to be in.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  03:55 PM
  58. Our gracious and glorious MoJ (who I hear is unmarried, which just makes my heart race and my head spind) has posted a comment and deliberately included typos, to show how fair and honest the show trial will be. 

    I was actually sympathizing with Chris Clark(e), until I learned he watches According to Jim.

    Posted by Heraclitus  on  12/08  at  03:56 PM
  59. Another piece of evidence for the prosecution culled from a recent IM conversation with the accused:

    [14:01] CreekRnningNorth: i actually like fruitcake fine

    Despicable.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  04:04 PM
  60. All my dissembling here has been either Roman or italicized.

    Finally!  The Italic Liar Paradox!  For this I have waited, all my life!

    I swear I am not lying!

    Posted by Cretan  on  12/08  at  04:12 PM
  61. "Does not yield italics when appended to its quotation” does not yield italics when appended to its quotation

    And it don’t matter if you put a coupla extra words into a Quine.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  04:27 PM
  62. O revered Minister of Justice,

    My self-recommendation to serve as the accused’s counsel was, indeed, for the primary purpose of the greater glory of the Party.  Surely the Party appreciates that having capable counsel represent the guilty only increases the credibility of the proceedings.

    You may well ask, if that is my primary purpose, then what other purpose was I serving?  Well, I must confess (again for the greater glory of the Party):  The Guilty One’s dog is a really good boy.  I acknowledge the highly bourgeois nature of my affection for non-human resident species and beg for the Party’s understanding of this weakness.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  04:56 PM
  63. Charles,

    If I may call you Charles, I must confess that I initially shared your concerns about the well-being of Chris Clarke’s four-legged pet. I was concerned that no one would care for Zeke after we condemned his master to the sentence that he rightly deserves.

    But MoJ Oaktown Girl has assured me that the dog will be cared for by the WAAGNFNP regardless of the verdict (which we already know, more or less).

    So: I beseech you--take comfort. Go ahead and hate the sinner, not the dog.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  05:09 PM
  64. Where am I? Here. Where’s my villanelle? Here.

    A Defensive Free-Form Villanelle

    Chris Clarke
    is now and has always been a loyal member of the WAAGNFNP
    The evidence? His mastery of snark

    and his blithe spirit (hail to thee), just like the lark
    at break of day arising from sullen earth (or from, like, a tree).
    He’s all about the whistling upward on the wing, is our Chris Clarke.

    Our mighty party splits shamefully into ignorant armies clashing in the dark
    for this sham trial, this kangaroo, this CCST!
    Is that our way? To try a man for, dare I say it, snark?

    The first to set the holy spark
    to our split atom will be,
    I promise you, Chris Clarke.

    You can all go suck a shark.
    It’s clear to me
    we need the man, we need the snark.

    Oaktown Girl: Minister of Justice (hark!)
    Bill Benzon: Minister of Visual Propaganda (see?)
    Messieurs, mesdames, I give you your Chris Clarke,
    the Minister (you bet your ass) of Snark.

    [captcha: bad. Everyone’s a critic.]

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  05:17 PM
  65. Charles - my love of dogs and the good-boyness of the Guilty One’s dog are well established. Quit stalling. You were asked to make a statement of committment to the Loyal Prosecution, and that statement you shall make.

    Do not test me. I can send Lord Astaroth over to your place in a heartbeat with his infernal complete box set of Who’s the Boss?

    Heraclitus - it pleases the MoJ greatly to make your heart race and your head spind.

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  05:17 PM
  66. Reminder - this CCST pre-trial thread is for fanning the patriotic flames and general organizing and such. Save all your best testimony for Show Time.

    Amanda - will you be so good as to use some of that brillance to add some song verses? Your Party needs you. And Astaroth tells me he’s had a blog crush on you for ages. He’d be really touched.

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  05:22 PM
  67. AGGGHHHH!!!  Not Who’s the Boss videotapes!!!  Undoubtedly such measures will cause pain equal to, or greater than, that experienced during primary organ failure or death.  I confess my loyalty to the Prosecution.

    Posted by  on  12/08  at  05:26 PM
  68. The Hunting of the Snark: An Agony in Eight Fits

    Just like the New York Times, all the agony that fits, and then some.

    hope
    “To pursue it with forks and hope”

    Some commentary thereon

    Did you know, for example:

    The word “snark” has since been used in graph theory, as has “boojum”. “Snark” was also used, some say with chilling aptness, as the name of the SM-62 Snark nuclear cruise missile. The term “boojum” has also been used in physics to describe a phenomenon originally found in superfluid helium-3, and also in liquid crystals, and for the boojum tree.

    And:

    China Miéville’s The Scar features a ship called the Castor (Latin for beaver), crewed by characters whose names reference the characters of Snark: for example Tinntinnabulum, meaning a tinkling or bells, as in the Bellman).

    Douglas Adams divided the radio series of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy into “fits”, after a suggestion by Geoffrey Perkins, inspired by the Hunting of the Snark.

    Jack London’s boat was named Snark, and he described his voyage across the Pacific Ocean in the book titled The Cruise of the Snark (1913).

    Characters in The Lyre of Orpheus, by Robertson Davies, often refer to the poem, and wonder whether the end of their quest to put on an opera will reveal a Snark or a Boojum.

    In Vonda McIntyre’s novelization of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, she reveals that the use of protomatter in the Genesis Device was made possible due to the discovery of sub-elementary particles, which were named by whimsical scientists as “snarks” and “boojums”.

    Methinks this snarkery is very potent stuff.

    Bill Benzon
    Minister of Visual Propaganda
    WAAGNFNP

    capcha: “doing” doing don

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/08  at  06:11 PM
  69. Will the person known as The guy who’s writing Charles’ dreams for tonight please re-post his priceless comment #52 form the previous thread, “Ahem” on this one? It’d really make our lives so much easier.

    Archives and Administration
    WAAGNFNP

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/08  at  07:04 PM
  70. You know, Comrade Oaktown Girl, that post consists of nothing more than an image, plus the signature line (which is a bit of a deception, though rather transparent as the link leads to the blog of the Person of Interest). It’s an easy matter to repost that picture here:

    wtb.jpg border=0

    captcha: “thinking” as in “Reuben Reuben I’ve been thinking . . .”

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/08  at  07:21 PM
  71. which is a bit of a deception, though rather transparent as the link leads to the blog of the Person of Interest

    Or so Minister Benzon wants us to think. Clearly, though, this is a shoddy attempt at misdirection by way of scarlet pimpernel
    red herring
    prosopopoeia.

    As for me, do what you will to this your scapegoat. I have had a villanelle written about me by Amanda French: anything else in life must need be anticlimax.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/08  at  08:34 PM
  72. As for me, do what you will to this your scapegoat.

    So now the Guilty One tries to paint himself as a helpless, innocent victim. Comrades - do not be fooled by this shameless and transparent attempt to wim sympathy and have the Loyal Prosecution let its guard down.

    Vigilance!

    Oaktown Girl
    Minister of Justice
    WAAGNFNP

    captcha: public. All his crimes will be made public at the Glorious CCST.

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/09  at  12:12 AM
  73. Gee whiz! It’s the blogospheric analog of the Many-worlds interpretation of quamtum mechanics on this blog today. Simultaneous parallel threads with subtle differences.

    I’m sure there are many interesting cross-disciplinary insights waiting to be discovered. Someone should write it up and submit it to Social Text.

    Guarantee that ending, you got a deal.
    I guarantee
    it.

    Posted by  on  12/09  at  12:15 AM
  74. do not be fooled by this shameless and transparent attempt to wim sympathy

    That’s not all I’ll wim when you wender your verdict.

    captcha: miss, as in the lovely and compassionate yet stern yet compassionate Minister of Justice

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  12/09  at  12:19 AM
  75. It’s a shameless and transparent attempt to win sympathy as well.

    This is what happens when you don’t feel like doing the gymnastics it takes to post a properly previewed comment. The kink in the new “upgrade” is a clear attempt by the Guilty One to minimize testimony against him at the CCST.

    captcha: behind. We know exactly who is behind the kink in the software.

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/09  at  12:20 AM
  76. The Accused meets with his lead defense counsel:

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    (Please don’t sue!)

    http://www.animationartgallery.com/atoddgoldman.html

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/09  at  12:58 AM
  77. kink in the software

    That’s an offense against the intertubes oversight committee and koffee-klatsch, kinking the software indeed! For shame, for shame!

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/09  at  04:20 AM
  78. Wim Wenders—no wacky wabbits here.

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/09  at  04:27 AM
  79. Meanwhile, it’s time to check up on The Supplicant’s quest to find the Original 3Tops:

    Pilgrimage to 3Topia

    Episode 2: Atom Boy and the Mighty Cloud of Joy

    When last we saw our fearless hero, The Supplicant, he was engaged in deep conversation with Toothy. Let’s listen in:

    TS: Woulds’t thou impart unto me the fuckin’ wisdom of the cock-sucking ages so that I might continue on my parlous boot-licking journey with a modicum of fear, speed, and shit-stained loathing? Not to mention pluck, plaisir and joie de vivre!

    Toothy: Watch your mouth, young one!

    TS: Sorry about that, I watch a lot of TV. Dangeral studies, ya know. I’ll try to be more respectful.

    Toothy: That’s better, but TV’s no excuse. First you must answer the sacred riddles. Are you ready?

    TS: Yes.

    Toothy: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

    TS: Three Dog Night.

    Toothy: What is black and white and red all over?

    TS: Blue Oyster Cult.

    Toothy: Why’d the chicken cross the road?

    TS: Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

    Toothy: Hmmmm . . . I think we’d better just get on with it. Go ask Atom Boy, he’ll give you a vision. If the vision’s good, go for it.

    TS: Atom Boy?

    Toothy: He’s just around the corner, he’s the big floating head in the mushroom could. Calls it the mighty cloud of joy, says it has something to do with the ultimate fate of mankind.

    Aside: I don’t know. They just give me these lines to read, I read ‘em, collect my check, and go home and eat Cheetos.

    And so The Supplicant went to beseech Atom Boy:

    Supplication

    And Atom Boy gave him a vision, though it took awhile to bring it clearly into focus:

    st-berube5-400-twrl183-5wv

    st-berube5-400-twrl183

    st-berube5-400

    Like all intrepid heroes, The Supplicant got the vision he wanted needed. Sure in his destiny, The Supplicant took leave of Atom Boy and went looking for the portal leading to the Land that Time Forgot.

    Ready Willing

    And he found it, the Interdimensional Reality Shifter and Gateway Facilitator:

    Interdimensional Shifter

    Will the Intrepid Adventurer make the inter-dimensional shift? Will he see the pink throne? Will 3Tops the Original manifest to him?

    Stay tuned for the next episode:  First Contact

    The Touch

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/09  at  04:31 AM
  80. Er… Ms. Amanada French,

    How can I put this politely? I would never stoop to bribing you in effort to get your brilliant legal mind over to our side. I respect your integrity and morals far too much to try to compel you with offers of thousands of dollars in gifts and prizes. I would never offer to help publish your first book on Free-Form Villanelles as some cheap attempt to win your allegiance and support.

    However, if there is anything you fancy or wish to discuss--anything at all--please do not hesitate to call me at 1-800-FOU-COLT.

    Sincere Best Wishes,
    M. Foucault
    Chief Prosecutor
    WAAGNFNP

    Posted by  on  12/09  at  10:57 AM
  81. The pre-pre-pre processional towards the CCST has begun.  You will find legions of the WAAGNFNP (including that long lost legion) marching in the byways and highways, crooks and alleys, glens and swales, this very day.  Join them and learn the new Ministry of Defense and Offense CCST marching powder orders chant:

    With your words and dog, and dog and words, harru, harru
    With your words and dog, and dog and words, harrah, harrah
    Zeke will wince and Becky will cry
    Gojira will flame as your soul must fry
    Ach darlin dear
    you look so queer
    Chris we hardly knew ye

    When Chris goes marching to his doom, hoorah, hoorah
    When Chris goes marching to his doom, hoorah, hoorah
    Gojira will scream, Astaroth will shout
    And the party members, they will all turn out
    And we’ll all feel teh when
    Chris goes marching off
    Chris goes marching off
    Chris we hardly knew ya

    Later, we will hold a vigil at the Sacred Shrine of the Holy Portal Sepulchre, where our great and wondrous The Supplicant received his first of many multi-dimensional visions revealed of the Original 3Tops.  We shall play viciously with effigies of the defendent, and not worry if, for some as yet and unexplained reason, one of them may or may not be the actual defendent himself (he has this strange knack for showing up everywhere he doesn’t belong).  We will sing the sacred hymn of him, who shall inquisite, torture, curse, berate, and malign the defendent.

    O Holy Court, The Prince is proudly reigning
    Lord Astaroth has some questions for Clarke.
    His Inquistion is powerful and menacing
    Majestic wrath and fury will burn holes in Clarke’s lies
    The party looks forward to crazy ranting denials
    As Chris is consumed in our most powerful show trial
    Gojira power and glory ever more proclaim!
    Astaroth power and glory ever more proclaim!

    On show trial eve, Gojira is smiling fiercely
    His blaze is one with Astaroth’s gospel flame.
    Chris, he shall break, for the party is our family.
    And in Bérubé’s name, all nuclear fireballs shall reign.
    Sweet sounds of crackling, Chris, as salmon smoking
    With hearty appetite, we praise Gojira’s name.
    Gojira is our GNF, Astaroth our all consuming,
    Gojira power and glory ever more proclaim!
    Astaroth power and glory ever more proclaim!

    Posted by  on  12/09  at  02:12 PM
  82. Astaroth, the Demon Prince of Accusers and Inquisitors is greatly pleased with the ballade honoring him.

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    And not a moment too soon. He was just about to head over to Amanda’s place with some Steven Segal DVD’s and his overnight bag. (Amanda owes syder some huge thanks, or at least some time working for the Loyal Prosecution during the Glorious CCST).

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/09  at  05:47 PM
  83. I dreamed I saw Chris Clarke last night,
    A-posting at great length.
    Says I “You’re on hiatus, Chris”
    Said he, “It ain’t my strength,”
    Said he, “It ain’t my strength.”

    “They nabbed you, Chris,” says I to him,
    “You’re rotting there in jail.
    They’re trying you in puppet court.”
    Says Chris, “I’m out on bail,”
    Says Chris, “I’m out on bail.”

    “The Waagnifinip Ministers,
    they gave you quite the diss.”
    “Takes more than nukes to blow me up;
    I didn’t die” says Chris,
    “I didn’t die” says Chris.

    Posted by  on  12/09  at  11:14 PM
  84. Not only did the miscreant prisoner make bail, but he’s hanging out in the swim gym at the WAAGNFNP Presidential Palace and International Detention Center:

    WAAGNFNP Swim Gym

    Better not be splashing with any of those Poison IvyGators.

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  12/10  at  12:18 AM
  85. A MESSAGE FROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE
    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    Whie the WAAGNFNP’s Ministry of Offense and Defense, (nobly lead by Minister spyder and his second in command, Tribunus Laticlavius Christian), does possess a vital thug security function, it primarily protects and defends the Party by the power of the pen.

    And though the WAAGNFNP is, praise Gojira, a manifesto-free zone, we do approve of inspirational writings. So it is with great pleasure that I present to you this resplendent and inspiring credo from Minister spyder (which surely must have Gojira’s approval because the captcha is “nuclear"):
    *****
    When in the Course of all human events, it becomes necessary for one very special party call forth the most powerful of all forces, the massive radioactive presence of Gojira to vaporize the political bondage which connects those of the party to the them of the others, particularly the wingnuts and insanely religiously righteous rightists, and to assume among the powers of the Giant Nuclear Fireball, the separate and equal stations of participational parity to which the Laws of Nature and of Gojira entitle them, a decent and intelligent respect to the opinions of those in the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to call forth the vaporizing Giant Nuclear Fireball.

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all species are created equal and are to be returned to their elemental and molecular forms by the GNF, that they are also endowed by Gojira with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Living and Partying until the Fireball, Liberty and Freedom to do all that They can to increase the entropy of the GNF, and the most joy-filled pursuit of all possible Happiness’s in parity with all others. --That to secure these rights, the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party has been instituted on the Earth, deriving its just powers from the common consensual agreements of the party membership, and from Gojira --That whenever any Form of Government or Publication of Front Pages, or other pronouncements of petty fascist despots becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Party to alter or to abolish them, or at least hold them accountable in the sacred ritual of Show Trial, under the incontrovertable authority of the Ministry of Justice, and to institute the call for the Giant Nuclear Fireball, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness prior to the Vaporization by the GNF.

    Prudence, indeed, will dictate that the inappropriate behaviors of others need be changed by vaporizing light and radioactive causes brought to them that so deserve by Gojira; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that species are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing their natural enemies to which they are accustomed and/or parasitically symbiotic. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object to stop the GNF and evinces a design to restrain Gojira under absolute Despotism, it is the right of all members of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party, it is the duty, to throw off such wingnuttery and batshit craziness, and to provide new opportunities for Gojira to flame on. We the self-anointed, and tremendously important, membership of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party, in order to form the most perfect party, establish the justice of Astaroth, insure complete global vaporization, provide for the GNF to consume the Earth, promote maximal participational parity during the dance of the fireball, and secure Gojira’s blessings of a few liberties solely to ourselves and our very limited posterity, do ordain and establish this Credo of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party.

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    Posted by Oaktown Girl  on  12/10  at  07:38 AM
  86. I enjoyed that.

    Posted by  on  12/11  at  11:18 PM

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