Hear ye hear ye hear ye
--- SPECIAL WAAGNFNP BULLETIN ---
--- DAY THREE OF THE CHRIS CLARKE SHOW TRIAL ---
Guilty One Defendant, Chris Clarke, has been found guilty on all charges! Let his Show Trial now move into the sentencing phase!
The following comment section should be reserved exclusively for sentences to be handed down to Mr. Clarke. Proposed sentences may include all manner of punctuation, vilification, and expostulation. They should not exceed one hundred words. Sentences that end with prepositions shall be harshly dealt with.
And thank you all for helping to make this Show Trial one of the funnest, happiest, singing-and-dancingest Show Trials since the spectacular Zinoviev-Kamenev Follies of ‘36!
Weblog Awards update, 3:40 pm: I don’t want to be alarmist or anything, but Spunky just picked up forty votes in the last thirty seconds. Onward secularist soldiers! 3:50 pm: And now another hundred in the past ten minutes. They lead by thirty and at this rate they will bury us, folks. We must station a WAAGNFNP member at every computer on every campus now.
Questions for Mr. Clarke -
If you like bunnies so much, how come you allowed so many of them to be brutally killed in the Cage Match? (#38,#54, and the gruesome deaths in #60)
And if you’re so pure and goodly, how come you are shamelessly exploiting the WAAGNFNP’s sacred and cherished ritual of Show Trial for your own selfish means by using it to boost your blog numbers?Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/14 at 02:00 PM
Remove all letters except W,A,G,N,F,P from Clarke’s key board. That’ll slow down the Spenserian stanza construction rate and his blog will become even more boring!Posted by on 12/14 at 02:24 PM
A MESSAGE FROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE
The formal kick-off to CCST Day Three was at #181 on the Official CCST thread. It’s a wonderful post which I worked very hard on while at the same time dealing with crises at work. So anyone who has not seen it should go back and read it right now. But that thread was getting kind of long. A true testament to the staggering amount of evidence against the Guilty One.
You can also see the Astaroth 2006 original artwork by Central Content Publisher, which has completely unhinged PZ Myers.
There’s also some deliciously damning evidence against the Guilty One from Devine Dr. V, which should pretty much salt this thing away for the Loyal Prosecution, what with all the other damning evidence that has been presented. So go check all that out while you contemplate punishment for teh Clarke and post that here.
So (once again) LET THE SENTENCING DELIBERATIONS BEGIN!
And don’t forget to VOTE!
(But this isn’t the vote thread).Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/14 at 02:29 PM
Speaking of shameless, I’m going to repeat my sentencing idea here: prominent and permanent (until the GNF, of course) display on Creek Running North of scarlet GO (for Guilty One, Gojira, goth, whatever). I envision a cleverly-rendered GO, gules, on a Gojira-style eye, sable. The GO, for instance, could be composed of many very tiny and very scarlet “This sentence has not been approved by the LPGA"s. (And I dare y’all to top that “s sentence-ending thing there.)
Of course I leave the execution, so to speak (sorry, been reading “The Custom-House” in far too much detail lately), in the capable hands of the ministries of justice and visual propaganda and the dream team of prosecutors (and defenders--great job sealing GO’s fate, people!). Captain Caveman would be proud, even if the WAAGNFNP stubbornly retains its extra A. But hey, splitting/fusing, etc.
OK, have to prepare to vote for a certain blog in a certain race on every public computer I can find in Fukuoka in a few hours. Less than nine months left for me to waste two countries’ taxpayers’ dollars. Thank you, Fearless Leader!Posted by The Constructivist on 12/14 at 02:32 PM
Right. Now back with the Program, I jumped the sentencing gun over on the other thread too, so here’s the gist:
(Notes: Addressed to one Br’er Astaroth. Reference made to the allegorical Briar Patch.)(Had just been told, see, that all this is allegory, or something.)
Chain the Guilty guy to a rock on top of Cima Dome and let the local ravens peck his seemingly all-knowing eyes out.
(Allegorically speaking, you understand.)Posted by on 12/14 at 02:43 PM
I think he should be sentenced to have his nipples removed.Posted by PZ Myers on 12/14 at 02:50 PM
Should the sentence be compound or complex? Or should compound and complex sentences be served concurrently?Posted by Dr. Virago on 12/14 at 02:57 PM
Should the sentence be compound or complex? Or should compound and complex sentences be served concurrently?
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNPPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/14 at 03:04 PM
I propose to sentence the Guilty One to the tedious task of collecting a list of all inside jokes on this here blog, labeling clearly all defunct ones.
P.S.: I apologize for my lack of participation in the show trial. I have GNF-related work (passing mathematically unqualified engineers to increase the chances of an “accidental” GNF) coming out my ears…Posted by on 12/14 at 03:05 PM
I think he should be sentenced to stay at home for an indeterminate period, during which time he shall be required to feed the well-known “good boy” Zeke special treats, take him to the park no less than daily, and bestow smooches on Zeke’s furry snout.
But hey, I’m a dog-loving softy myself.Posted by on 12/14 at 03:16 PM
Should the sentence be compound or complex?
If it please the court, elliptical.Posted by on 12/14 at 03:16 PM
No bunnies and no ice cream for a year.
And he has to groom the ponies every day.Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/14 at 03:19 PM
You people in the WAAGNFNP are giving me a headache. Links all over the fricken place to follow, and it all gets so confusing. I think I secretly love you all and want to father / give birth to all your babies, but you’re making this so damn hard!
In any case, keep on keepin’ on.
And just for MB, hope you score many goals that you can be most proud of.
Cheers.Posted by on 12/14 at 03:27 PM
Let him go!Posted by anonymous falsetto voice from mid-crowd on 12/14 at 03:38 PM
Damn, I basically didn’t show up to the show trial. I blame reality.
Sentence: The guilty one shall write a ten thousand word poem on the theme of collectible trading cards, to be delivery to, and published by the WAAGNFN party. This poem shall not contain irony, humour, or absurdity, and when asked about the poem, the guilty will limit his responses to the following: “I think my work speaks for itself”.
Note: All rights to anything I publish here are waved. Yes, that means you can even take credit for anything I’ve done (as if you’d want to).Posted by Central Content Publisher on 12/14 at 03:39 PM
"It must be a movement then, an actuality of the possible as possible.”
James JoycePosted by on 12/14 at 03:40 PM
The Guilty One should be forced to provide the changing / refueling necessary to restore this witness to the natural GNF-cooing state of all infants —
… trailing mushroom clouds of glory.
Scarlet letter and pony groomification too.Posted by black dog barking on 12/14 at 03:43 PM
Oyez! Oyez! The Grand and Noble Court of this the WAAGNFNP is now in session, the Honorable High and Mighty Arbiters of Justice presiding. The defendant Chris Clarke shall draw near for the adjudication and pronouncement of his meet and proper sentence.
The defendant Chris Clarke having been found guilty as charged of various nefarious and dastardly acts of wanton mischief and naughtiness shall be Ordered, Adjudged, and Decreed to conduct himself as follows, forthwith:
To, within a reasonable time, compose satire clearly o’er leaping the J.Alfred Prufrock parody;
To epublish said satire here or elsewhere;
To tweak non-secular-progressive blogs or bloggers, who may presently remain nameless, at least five (5) times within the next ten (10) days and to provide proof of said tweaking hereon, at which time such namelessness must convert to namedness, nunc pro tunc, within the necessary course of said proof;
To compose and epublish, as composition and epublishing is described hereinabove, a limerick, naughty or otherwise, celebrating the inanity that is this Grand and Noble ShowTrial.
Should the defendant Chris Clarke fail to obey, comply and otherwise fulfill this and other pronounced sentences ... Off With His Head! Also known as The War on Chrismas!Posted by on 12/14 at 03:44 PM
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
PS: I liked wearing my formal wear so much yesterday that I decided to keep it on today.Posted by on 12/14 at 04:00 PM
“All trials are trials for one’s life, just as all sentences are sentences of death.”Posted by on 12/14 at 04:03 PM
Sentenced: Total body electrolysis.Posted by Mark on 12/14 at 04:11 PM
Let him go!
Posted by anonymous falsetto voice from mid-crowd
Bismillah! We will not let you go!Posted by thunderous baritone chorus from stage left on 12/14 at 04:18 PM
- Posted by Imagefully channeling the guilty one on 12/14 at 04:22 PM
The wikipedia entry on Zinoviev linked above notes that he was portrayed by writer Jerzy Kosiński in the movie, Reds (1981). When the film adaptation of this blog/show trial is made, who will play the Guilty One? As punishment, I suggest Ron Silver. I particularly disliked him in Fahrenhype 9/11.Posted by on 12/14 at 04:24 PM
I have just ordered all male audience members arrested until the falsetto-voice sporting traitor can be found.
MoOaD, WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/14 at 04:41 PM
How about he sews his own scarlet GO, too, and wears it to all WAAGNFNP events? (Cf. female chorus in “The Market-place” chapter of The Scarlet Letter.) BTW, we need some Richard Wright/Ralph Ellison show trial related allusions on this blog. I have Hawthorne on the brain these days, so can’t do it myself.Posted by The Constructivist on 12/14 at 04:44 PM
I recommend the Guilty One be sentenced to making WAAGNFNP for Lileks to collect.Posted by on 12/14 at 04:45 PM
Bismillah! We will not let you go!
Posted by thunderous baritone chorus from stage left
BeelzebubAstaroth has a devil put aside for me, ...Posted by on 12/14 at 04:53 PM
People! People! Why be so blood thirsty? Maybe Mr. Clarke has learned his lesson. Maybe the trial was such an edifying experience that he will cease his hare-brained ways and come to the table when asked. Maybe he grasps the dead-endedness of science, thinking, and creativity.
We’re at the punishment stage. Brother Foucault, consult the holy book of Discipline and Punish: Verse One, Chapter One, on Damiens the Regicide. Let Mr. Clarke’s body become a placard upon which we inscribe the justness of our enterprise so thoroughly threatened by the patient’s devotion to reason. (Ouch! Just gave myself a hernia by shouting so loud. But I do love this voice recognition software.)When we’re finished, and the fire is out, you’re invited to my place for pie.Posted by on 12/14 at 04:57 PM
I say the accused should be condemned to the job of torturing A. Dershowitz.Posted by PZ Myers on 12/14 at 05:23 PM
I condemn him to have six children and to home school them all. He will be forced to do this in a too small house in a bad climate, and he will be very poor.
He will try, and fail, to make money selling Christian teaching materials on his web site and will eventually be forced toclose his site down.
This is about the harshest punishment I can imagine, short of the death penalty.Posted by Hattie on 12/14 at 05:23 PM
Clarke is hereby sentenced to read Althouse every day.Posted by on 12/14 at 05:32 PM
Hottie McNaturepants should cuddle one slimy animal a day until he overcomes his love of the planet.Posted by on 12/14 at 05:37 PM
PERSONS attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR,
Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance.
Captcha: “used” As in, it has been.Posted by Aaron Barlow on 12/14 at 05:38 PM
What’s Dershowitz doing here again? Didn’t we throw him out yesterday?Posted by on 12/14 at 05:38 PM
Clarke is hereby sentenced to read Althouse every day.
“I have pressed the first lever,” said Oaktown Girl. “You understand the construction of this cage. The mask will fit over your head, leaving no exit. When I press this other lever, the browser window will slide up. Althouse’s bleathering mind will ooze out of it like slow, treacly bullets. Have you ever seen a neocon leap through the air? She will leap on to your brain and bore straight into it. Sometimes you gouge out your own eyes first. Sometimes you’ll chew through your cheeks and devour your tongue.”
The cage was nearer; it was closing in. Clarke heard a succession of shrill cries which appeared to be occurring in the air above his head. But he fought furiously against his panic. To think, to think, even with a split second left — to think was the only hope. Suddenly the foul musty odour of the so-called “moderate’s” tepid maundering struck his nostrils. There was a violent convulsion of nausea inside him, and he almost lost consciousness. Everything had gone black. For an instant he was insane, a screaming animal. Yet he came out of the blackness clutching an idea. There was one and only one way to save himself. He must interpose another human being, the body of another human being, between himself and the odious Althouse blog.
The circle of the mask was large enough now to shut out the vision of anything else. The browser window was a couple of hand-spans from his face. Althouse’s commenters knew what was coming now. One of them was leaping up and down, the other, an old sycophantic grandfather of the sewers, stood up, with his pink hands against the bars, and fiercely sniffed the air. Clarke could see the whiskers and the yellow teeth. Again the black panic took hold of him. He was blind, helpless, mindless.
“It was a common punishment in Imperial China,” said Oaktown Girl, as didactically as ever.
The mask was closing on his face. The wire brushed his cheek. And then — no, it was not relief, only hope, a tiny fragment of hope. Too late, perhaps too late. But he had suddenly understood that in the whole world there was just one person to whom he could transfer his punishment — one body that he could thrust between himself and the neocon twits. And he was shouting frantically, over and over.
“Do it to Amanda! Do it to Amanda! Not me! Amanda! I don’t care what you do to her. Send her to Baptist Sunday school, make her go out on a coffee date with Jeff Goldstein. Not me! Amanda! Not me!”Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/14 at 05:46 PM
A. Dershowitz. I suggest you upgrade your voice recognition software to the “Pro” version so it switches to ALL CRAPS with DESQUAMATION MARKS!!!!! when you reach inguinal velocity.
Rumbly TumblyPosted by on 12/14 at 05:46 PM
Would it be a show trial without me? Especially now that F. Lee Bailey is dead? Do I need to remind you that I am the resident expert on the constitutionality of torture? Kick me out, christian h? For what? Cruelty? Look at what Hattie wrote? I almost soiled myself reading that.Posted by on 12/14 at 05:48 PM
Do it to Amanda! Not me!
That better be Amanda Marcotte you’re Winston Smithing.Posted by on 12/14 at 06:18 PM
I take no responsibility for any vagueness in my duress-driven hysterical denunciations.Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/14 at 06:33 PM
First, he must immediately head to UC Berkeley’s largest computer lab and elicit support from all of the students sitting there trying to cram for finals, to immediately launch a full-scale vote attack on the homeschoolers.
Second he must begin his non-fiction book on the Joshua Tree, with a deadline of the Ides of March.
Third, and foremost, he must commit to posting a new thread each and every day until the Vernal Equinox, and acknowledge that the Year of the Boar, Hai the Unifier, is upon us.Posted by on 12/14 at 06:34 PM
Hmmmm, along with some very interesting sentences for the Guilty One I count two votes to send Amanda Marcotte to Room 101. A motion to throw out Dershowitz. A citation of Mark Twain. One truly vile suggestion that the Guilty One be condemned to read Althouse, giving rise to the countersuggestion to substitute Amanda instead.
Well, we’re certainly doing the “we are always already splitting” bit with vigor today, aren’t we? We are just this close to being the first Show Trial to end in a mistrial. What a rank embarrassment. Next thing you know we’ll lose a Weblog Award race to some homeschoolers.
Captcha: eye, as in “of the tiger.”Posted by Michael on 12/14 at 06:36 PM
. . . theres nothing like the Giant Nuclear Fireball incinerating the wild mountains then the sea and the waves boiling then the beautiful flaming country with the fields of oats and wheat and all kinds of things and all the fine cattle getting irradiated that would do your heart good to see rivers and lakes and flowers all sorts of shapes and smells and colours burning up even out of the ditches primroses and violets the Giant Nuclear Fireball it is as for Chris Clarke saying theres no Gojira I wouldnt give a snap of my two fingers for all his learning why dont he go and destroy something I often asked him Hottie McNaturepants or whatever he calls himself go and wash the ponies off himself first then he goes howling for the WAAGNP and they dying and why why because he’s afraid of heaven on account of his good conscience ah yes I know him well . . .Posted by on 12/14 at 06:40 PM
Well, Dershowitz. I guess you’ll be needing some woman to clean up your mess. I suggest Ann Altmouse. She obviously has nothing to do. She might as well make herself useful.Posted by Hattie on 12/14 at 06:45 PM
Wait a second. Do I see Dershowitz blinking in code to Althouse?Posted by Michael on 12/14 at 07:00 PM
Dershowitz: shut up; the glove fits.
And a threat: if this show trial ends in a mistrial, the militant tendency of the More Radical than the Radical Caucus Caucus will take matters into our own hands! We are already infiltrating the Spunky Homeschoolers Faction to use a front organization.Posted by on 12/14 at 07:19 PM
Go now to
the real blog awards thingie.Posted by The Constructivist on 12/14 at 07:26 PM
Tenacious insufferable bastards! And I don’t mean Chris Clarke and his Defense Team, either.Posted by on 12/14 at 07:36 PM
Sitting alone between his guards and behind his lawyer, the Prisoner reflected on the crimes committed against the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireballs Now Party and the sentence he would endure, leaning his head over as far as his chains would allow to see one fingernail scrape against another in the same pattern that he could still see if he closed his eyes, remembering how his mother would wait for the water to boil, a pattern of scraping and patting that was impatience itself in his memory until the day he asked if he could also drink, at which point his father said, “Yes,” and took down the mug which he would always remember as the first in which the black liquid sank, followed by sugar, cream, sugar, cream, and stirring until the point when it was undrinkable sludge but he drank it anyway because he was a man now, and when his neck tired he looked at the wrinkle in the jacket of his lawyer, a wrinkle that went from just above the left hip through the middle of the spine and towards her right armpit, a crease that had been there from the very first day of the trial, and the last time he had seen that crease had been the conference before the sentencing, when his counsel warned him of the fate that befell those receiving sentence in a We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireballs Now Party show trial, and when he asked what the worst might be and she whispered it to him, his eyes widened, and staring now beyond the counsels’ table he trembled in fear, until he was asked to rise and he stood while awaiting a sentence and waiting to hear the awful words that had been whispered to him, “Bulwer-Lytton,” but as the sentence was handed down the prisoner read the lips the smallest fraction of a second before the words reached his ears, and he knew the sentence was to be much, much worse: “Faulkner.”
Captcha: “subject,” as in ~ to tortured and torturing sentences.Posted by Sherman Dorn on 12/14 at 07:52 PM
I had to translate the following sentence into English because I could not read the original Sanskrit.
I have a truly marvelous sentence for The Guilty One (TGO) which
this margin this comment boxthe one hundred word limit is too narrowsmall to contain.
This sentence is not TGO’s sentence.
The previous sentence was but a tribute to TGO’s sentence.
And the peculiar thing is this, the sentence before last wasn’t anything like TGO’s sentence. Nor is this one.
This sentence would be TGO’s sentence if it did not refer to a website of self-referential sentences.
This sentence is a non sequitur.
Pray, my dear, have you not forgot to wind up the clock?
This sentence is not a non sequitur.Posted by on 12/14 at 08:25 PM
GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
THE VERDICT IS IN. THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE FINDS THE TRAITOR CLARKE GUILTY ON ALL COUNTS OF HIGH CRIMES AGAINST THE WE ARE ALL GIANT NUCLEAR FIREBALL NOW PARTY.
HE WILL BE PRESENTING HIS CONFESSION OF GUILT SOMETIME BEFORE 9 PM PACIFIC TIME, 12 MIDNIGHT EASTERN TONIGHT. ALL WAAGNFNP PATRIOTS ARE REQUESTED TO BE PRESENT IN THE COURTROOM AT THAT TIME.
WE HAVE HIS CONFESSION, WHICH WAS GIVEN FREELY AND UNDER NO DURESS, BOTH IN WRITING AND ON TAPE.
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNPPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/14 at 09:01 PM
Michael Bérubé: 4374
Scary.Posted by on 12/14 at 09:03 PM
An anticipatory calm falls over the idyllic landscape outside the WAAGNFNP Halls of Justice as Loyal Party Patriots await the confession of teh Clarke:
Meanwhile, spyder, Minister of Offense and Defense, shares with The People his villanelle on “that heinous criminal mastermind”:
Identifying the guilty leader, we shall subjugate all pawns!
Force from them their racked confession, shedding all their blood
Throughout all of human histories the show trials must go on
Chris Clarke excised a sprezzatura ghost, casually dining on some prawns
Sporking forth upon the veiled threat, he violently attacks, spewed its only blood
Identifying the guilty leaders, we shall subjugate all pawns!
Julius Genghis Ivan Antoinette and all their evil spawns
Are mere mortals to our Caligula; Clarke so arbitrarily extracts, the flowing blood
Throughout all of human histories the show trials must go on
His pretence to be cast, in the pantheon of virtuous paragons,
Definitely not the messiah; just a very nasty, sticky-boy, all covered in others’ blood.
Identifying the guilty leader, we shall subjugate all pawns!
Decidedly not like the sweetmeats of almond and pecan
Teh Clarke is more like sweetbread tripe,-- offal, gizzards and that blood
Throughout all of human histories the show trials must go on
Chris will be found quite guilty, for he crossed our Rubicons
And tortured in the most public way, covered in shedded blood
Identifying the guilty leader, we shall subjugate all pawns!
It is time to put him to the rack, to hear his screams before more dawns;
He must confess his sins for us, and shed his precious blood.
Throughout all of human histories the show trials must go on.
Identifying the guilty leader, we shall subjugate all pawns!Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/14 at 09:17 PM
Final Sentence Is Rendered:
Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann of a personal God quaquaquaqua with white beard quaquaquaqua outside time without extension who from the heights of divine apathia divine athambia divine aphasia loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell and suffers like the divine Miranda with those who for reasons unknown but time will tell are plunged in torment plunged in fire whose fire flames if that continues and who can doubt it will fire the firmament that is to say blast hell to heaven so blue still and calm so calm with a calm which even though intermittent is better than nothing but not so fast and considering what is more that as a result of the labors left unfinished crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry of Essy-in-Possy of Testew and Cunard it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt than that which clings to the labors of men that as a result of the labors unfinished of Testew and Cunnard it is established as hereinafter but not so fast for reasons unknown that as a result of the public works of Puncher and Wattmann it is established beyond all doubt that in view of the labors of Fartov and Belcher left unfinished for reasons unknown of Testew and Cunard left unfinished it is established what many deny that man in Possy of Testew and Cunard that man in Essy that man in short that man in brief in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation wastes and pines wastes and pines and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the strides of physical culture the practice of sports such as tennis football running cycling swimming flying floating riding gliding conating camogie skating tennis of all kinds dying flying sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter tennis of all kinds hockey of all sorts penicillin and succedanea in a word I resume flying gliding golf over nine and eighteen holes tennis of all sorts in a word for reasons unknown in Feckham Peckham Fulham Clapham namely concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown but time will tell fades away I resume Fulham Clapham in a word the dead loss per head since the death of Bishop Berkeley being to the tune of one inch four ounce per head approximately by and large more or less to the nearest decimal good measure round figures stark naked in the stockinged feet in Connemara in a word for reasons unknown no matter what matter the facts are there and considering what is more much more grave that in the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman it appears what is more much more grave that in the light the light the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman that in the plains in the mountains by the seas by the rivers running water running fire the air is the same and then the earth namely the air and then the earth in the great cold the great dark the air and the earth abode of stones in the great cold alas alas in the year of their Lord six hundred and something the air the earth the sea the earth abode of stones in the great deeps the great cold on sea on land and in the air I resume for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis the facts are there but time will tell I resume alas alas on on in short in fine on on abode of stones who can doubt it I resume but not so fast I resume the skull fading fading fading and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis on on the beard the flames the tears the stones so blue so calm alas alas on on the skull the skull the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the labors abandoned left unfinished graver still abode of stones in a word I resume alas alas abandoned unfinished the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the skull alas the stones CunardPosted by Aaron Barlow on 12/14 at 09:38 PM
Just got here. Did I miss anything?Posted by Godot on 12/14 at 09:52 PM
From the Minister of Justice:
Due to technical difficulties, We will not be able to bring you the recorded audio of the Repentant One’s confession tonight. We are working very closely with the WAAGNFNP technical dept. and will do our best to have it for you tomorrow.
The Guilty One’s written confession will be posted shortly. For those of you at home, you will be reading it here at almost the exact same time the Repentant One is reading it aloud in the High Court of the Ministry of Justice.
Tomorrow: Repentance, Forgiveness, Celebration, Union.
WAAGNFNPPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/14 at 10:17 PM
[First the management of this blog subtly tampered with this comment so as to disable any vote-rigging scheme from this site. Then we just deleted the damn thing. The comment came from an IP that has never appeared in this comment section prior to tonight.]Posted by on 12/14 at 11:14 PM
Here’s a sentence for Mr. Clark, “Jesus wept.”Posted by on 12/14 at 11:25 PM
Move for a declaration of mistrial based on misspelling of my name in comment # 58.Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/14 at 11:27 PM
Perhaps The Party should confiscate The Guilty One’s “e,” and do something wittier with it than anything I can think of just now.Posted by Heraclitus on 12/14 at 11:40 PM
Praise the Lord, Sacred Witness! You are a godsend! Bless your secular elitist soul!Posted by on 12/14 at 11:42 PM
Maybe I spoke too soon. Though it deletes the website, it does not actually allow me to vote again.
What is up with these home-schoolers, anyhow? Are they using their children as slave labor? Sending them out to public libraries and iMac stores around the nation? I can’t tell you how many school computers I stuffed the ballot with today, and these guys just keep voting and voting. I smell a set-up here somewhere.Posted by on 12/14 at 11:50 PM
Okay--this is the last time I’ll post. Maybe it DOES work. Try it and go slowly. I think you have to use the power carefully for it to take its effect.Posted by on 12/14 at 11:57 PM
[Another deleted comment from this guy.]Posted by on 12/15 at 12:01 AM
I guess you can count me in the seriou fraudster circle. Those home-school holier than thou blasphemers! I bet they’ve been doing this all along. There’s no other explanation for it.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:05 AM
I need some kind of assurance I’m going to get my own show trial if I go down the path so well lit by SW.
“voting” is now open (captcha)Posted by on 12/15 at 12:08 AM
Honestly, there is no other explanation for it. Back at 3:40 when I stopped in to check on the Internets, I saw Spunky picking up five, ten votes every time I hit “refresh.” But are we willing to sink to that level? The forces of irony are supposed to be more aloof than the forces of piety.Posted by Michael on 12/15 at 12:09 AM
There’s no other explanation for it.
I humbly submit that, unimaginable as it seems to me, people may be voting against our Leader.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:10 AM
Well come on, people. LEt’s get in there. Follow the instructions and turn this around. It does actually work.
I am pissed. Taken in by the smug christian charity of those devious turds…Posted by on 12/15 at 12:15 AM
Would be nice to have a graph of the voting traffic. An err… interesting way to see how many shiny cookies had to die for Spunky’s big break.
I suppose it’s just possible all these will be filtered out of the official final total?
Perhaps the defendant’s extra ‘e’ can be employed to this end?Posted by on 12/15 at 12:18 AM
people may be voting against our Leader
And this is precisely what’s wrong with today’s society today.
But seriously (as opposed to “honestly,” which was merely ironic), I can’t believe that a Wizbang voting system can really be so easily hacked, and—even more seriously—I don’t want anyone to try to game this system. It was funny with David Horowitz and the “Worst Professor EVAH” competition. But it’s not funny now. If Spunky has the votes, she should win. And should that happen, I promise to compose the most convoluted concession speech you’ve ever heard.Posted by Michael on 12/15 at 12:19 AM
Okay, I will cease and desist.
But I bet Spunky is behind this. It will be a pyrric victory, however that is spelled. It’s really not amusing if this is how folks are cheating.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:23 AM
As to the blogawards thang, i have not been able to vote, and this is hour 26, thus it appears there is now a glitch in that particular vote thread on their end. Must be something the schoolers did, as in schooling the opposition by devious and nefarious means, and thereby ruining the whole contest for everyone. Smells like dead fish to me.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:27 AM
I too forswear any future cheating, starting right now. That doesn’t mean I cheated, just that I won’t in the future. IOW, I only claim to merely desist.
Somebody is doing something more than just casting their daily allotted vote. For me, the site will barely load now.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:28 AM
Oh, and for the Diebold conscious, a right-click near the edge of the poll reveals some rather interesting ‘settings’. Can keep those cookies from ever getting set in the first place.
So much for post-(captcha)-modern politicking?Posted by on 12/15 at 12:35 AM
Well, the leader has spoken. No cheating then. Sigh. The website is slow right now anyway, which means that somebody might have tried a script… though what “having the votes” means is unclear to me - strictly speaking, the system at best counts computers, not people.
They are going to keep track of IP’s, too, so if your IP is static the method would probably just waste time and bandwidth and get all your votes deleted.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:35 AM
A kind word passed along to the Weblog Awards folks about seeming irregularities in certain Christian voting practices might prove miraculous.
Don’t be tempted to emulate them. That would leave the award in the hands of IvyGate for sure, after the dust settles. And who wants that?Posted by on 12/15 at 12:39 AM
though what “having the votes” means is unclear to me
Ah, finally something Christian and I can agree on! I knew we would all be fused in the end. The phrase is supposed to be ambiguous: if, say, a party has managed to rally voters to her (or his!) side, so be it. And if a party is gaming the system, let it be gamed. I mean, really—this Wizbang thing is a joke, right? It’s not like it’s the Koufaxes, after all. . . .Posted by Michael on 12/15 at 12:42 AM
THANK YOU, Oaktown Girl and companions, for the beautiful and hilarious show trial for Chris Clarke.
Though my prosecurial energies were occupied by other things in this past day, I very much appreciate the time, money, and sheer unadulterated enthusiasm that everyone invested in condemning one of our own!
The verdict only goes to prove that there are some things you can’t cheat in the end, and justice is one of them. I look forward to Chris Clarke’s confession and ultimate repentance.
Best wishes and happy holidays to all.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:44 AM
Ah, finally something Christian and I can agree on!
Damn it! I retract.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:50 AM
Here’s somewhere to make note of seemingly suspicious voting.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:56 AM
I know I can speak for Spunky and the Rebelution when I say that we would rather be “crushed” as “freaks” than to win as cheats.
Although I cannot presume to speak for every voter, I can say that I am unaware of any cheating on the side of Spunky’s supporters. Were I to suspect it, I would denounce and report it.
For now, I encourage you not to underestimate the power of of the large online discussion boards, email lists, Yahoo! and Google groups, and general enthusiasm, that homeschoolers have at their disposal.Posted by Alex Harris on 12/15 at 12:57 AM
Votes can be retracted if they are deemed “excessive” from certain IP addresses. 100 in ten minutes???! Sounds excessive to me! Look, it happened during last year’s weblog awards. Demand a recount!!!Posted by on 12/15 at 01:00 AM
And my I clarify that the above comment was directed at those who accused us of cheating, not to you, Professor Bérubé. You are a pillar of… seriousness.Posted by Alex Harris on 12/15 at 01:15 AM
I retract my accusations. I should not have accused Spunky herself (or himself) of cheating. I also should refrain from assuming that Spunky is Christian, and should not be so hasty to made snide remarks about people of that faith. I’m sorry if I’m the one who caused you to make the comment about losing like “freaks” rather than winning as cheaters.
Most of my animosity towards the religious right lately has been fueled by the polygamist trials currently in the media. Somehow, my ill feelings towards the people involved in that home-style scam and sexual abuse became conflated with the other forms of suspected cheating going on here. It was a large leap, and a foolish one.
Best to your blog, and may the best educationalesque blogger win. And even if Berube ends up the runner-up, he’s still a winner for how he handled this situation.Posted by on 12/15 at 01:27 AM
We agree, Alex. Really. And you’ve gotta admit that as freakishness goes, this place can give you some competition. Go for it.
captcha: results. ‘nuf said.Posted by on 12/15 at 01:27 AM
Thank Go[-d? -jira?] we agreed on that. I was starting to envision a future where web sites and parties hired hackers rather than ad people and grassroots organizers and bloggers (joke!), and I ended up somewhere near the homeschooled child of Neal Stephenson’s Snow Crash, The Diamond Age, Cryptonomicon (it’s an Octavia Butleresque system of reproduction) where those with the best virus protection, encryption technology, and nanotechnology win.
Much better to all stick with the time-tested principle of 1 person, however many votes as computers he or she has access to per 24-hour period?Posted by The Constructivist on 12/15 at 01:52 AM
I encourage you not to underestimate the power of of the large online discussion boards, email lists, Yahoo! and Google groups, and general enthusiasm, that homeschoolers have at their disposal.
Hi, Alex! But are you being ironic or something? I deeply respect the large online discussion boards, email lists, Yahoo! and Google groups, and general enthusiasm that homeschoolers have at their disposal. That is why I have called every friendly blog and liberal-elitist IvyGate website to my aid in this time of need!
But I’m quite serious in comment 71: if anyone on my side is trying to pull a fast one on Wizbang, they should cease and desist.Posted by Michael on 12/15 at 01:53 AM
Thank you, both Foucault and Colin. The reference to losing like “freaks” was actually a quote from an early IvyGate supporter, if I remember correctly. The “crush” part was from a comment made (in jest) by Professor Bérubé over at IvyGate as well.
Also, just to clear up confusion, Spunky is a homeschooling Christian mother, so your assumptions along the lines of gender and faith were correct.
Finally, I very much agree that Professor Bérubé has been very classy and honorable throughout. I appreciated how he handled the revelation of cheating, even though personally, I still hope to read his incredibly convoluted concession speech this weekend. =)Posted by Alex Harris on 12/15 at 01:56 AM
My apologies, Professor Bérubé. As I commented shortly afterwards, my reference to message boards and the like was addressed to those who believe many votes could not be cast very quickly without some form of cheating. I knew you understood.
Indeed, I would not dare to even attempt to be ironic on your blog. ::shudders::Posted by Alex Harris on 12/15 at 02:03 AM
Sigh. We’re being buried again… 90+ votes in the last 25 minutes.
And apologies for the earlier postings. Not strictly kosher.Posted by on 12/15 at 02:09 AM
That question aside, I find it very interesting that in the time it took me to lap the student computer room at the office here (mid-afternoon, Fukuoka time), for a meager total of 10 votes, the honorable competition got something like 40 votes. I’m glad to see that homeschoolers let their kids stay up really late. Or maybe it’s that homeschooling leaves parents with no free time while the kids are awake, so they’re forced to resort to late night and early morning computer fun. Or maybe it’s just that so many people so are interested in a close race that they will cast their votes at all hours of the day.
I just hope this doesn’t end up like that Apolo Ohno Winter Olympics win that got South Koreans so upset for so long. Remember the go[-lfer’s? -lden?] rule: either you call the penalties on yourself, or the game (see how down I am with the Ministry of Justice?) loses whatever meaning it may have been supposed to have. Oh, and of course use the rules to your advantage whenever possible.Posted by The Constructivist on 12/15 at 02:12 AM
I mean no offense, but has it perhaps occurred to you that there just might be that many homeschoolers out there?Posted by on 12/15 at 02:23 AM
I still hope to read his incredibly convoluted concession speech this weekend. =)
I assure you that you will not be disappointed, Alex. This blog has dedicated itself all week long to being more convoluted than any blog in all of blogtopia (yes! skippy coined that term!), and we will not let you down in defeat.
Why, look at the Show Trial Confession we just posted. What could be more convoluted than that?Posted by on 12/15 at 02:34 AM
CJ, didn’t my first “or maybe” cover that option? Yes, many many sleep-deprived homeschoolers is the option I’d vote for myself!
More important, the real blog awards opened nominations for their second category:
Captcha: “problem,” as in are problems with constructivist humor caused by the author or the audience?Posted by The Constructivist on 12/15 at 02:55 AM
BTW, I vote for the author, especially the one who couldn’t even bother to keep problem singular. And that’s just one of several (thank you, captcha program--Berube, even your machine is a smart-aleck!) typos in recent posts. I’m writing as if it’s really 2 am my time.Posted by The Constructivist on 12/15 at 02:59 AM
This comment isn’t directed at anyone in particular, but rigging a web award election is pretty lame, and would no doubt reflect poorly on our gracious host. The man who brought us Rotten Mather surely deserves better.Posted by Heraclitus on 12/15 at 03:47 AM
I know of at least three classic “convolution” songs:
Convolution ("It was convolution I know . . . “ )
As for all the Spunky votes, as with the loaves and the fishes . . . but sure, outreach, any one could do it. Read this article by Malcolm Gladwell about Rick Warren and his ministry.
And the homeschooling movement is not exclusively Christian. I have no idea what the stats are, but lots of parents other than Christian parents are dissatisfied with the public schools.Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/15 at 05:34 AM
And, you know, there are those ponies running around in the netwebs. No telling what they’re up to. Maybe it’s all their fault.Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/15 at 05:39 AM
Spunky: 4985Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/15 at 05:50 AM
Since hindsight is often 20-20 (Bush. is the exception currently proving this rule), I would suggest that a more satisfying course of conduct would have been election subversion—vote incessently for the hold-your-nose stinkiest, most intellectually dishonest blog in the cast of finalists. Then the truly worst wins the election, displaying it for the manipulated sham that it is.
But whatever.Posted by on 12/15 at 11:12 AM
Sorry, late to the bonfire and all, but I just had to interject the thought that maybe the most evilest sentence to apply here against He Whose Presumption of Innocence is Mere Presumptuousness would be one that is, wait for it, unpronounceable.
Perhaps something along these lines: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!Posted by on 12/19 at 02:49 AM