Chris Clarke Confesses
The Chris Clarke Show Trial has reached a foregone—and therefore successful—conclusion! The defendant’s statement, as rewritten by the Minister of Justice and the Party Leader, follows:
I, Chris Clarke, born of woman in a small town in New York State, near a lake smote into the earth by a Pleistocene glacier, do of my own free will confess to and repent my crimes against the WAAGNFNP. As the Guilty One, I stand convicted of, and shall be sentenced appropriately for, Treason, Conspiracy, and any other High Crimes and Misdemeanors that the Prosecution may think of in the near or far Future. With this Statement, I also accede to the Profecution’s irregular and idiosyncratic practices regarding Spelling and the Capitalization of certain Nouns.
I have attempted to undermine the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party in an attempt to carry out—insolently, and with reckless disregard of the consequences—crimes against the Giant Nuclear Fireball. My actions have failed to honor and respect the Party, the many parties to the Prosecution, Our Glorious Leader Himself, and our own loving, caring, nurturing, bootilicious and all-around wonderful Minister of Justice, Oaktown Girl.
I have dared to suggest, in several comment threads and clever blog posts scattered throughout the length and breadth of the Internets, that I should not have to suffer from this trial and tribulation; I have encouraged my rag-tag defense team to attempt to exonerate me in a genuine, bona fide, internationally sanctioned Show Trial, even though I was duly apprised that a Show Trial under the administration of the WAAGNFNP Minister of Justice, as guided by the Wisdom of Lord Astaroth, is a necessary and good thing; and I have availed myself of intrigue, disguise, and suggestive stiffing (of a cabbie and a postal worker) in order to escape from detention in the Re-education Center so that I could relax, instead, in the WAAGNFNP’s Relaxation Center, even though I was aware that the Relaxation Center, with its Deep Tissue Massages, Eucalyptus Steam Wraps, Sea Salt Body Scrubs, and Gentleman’s Manicures, was the exclusive preserve of Inner Party members of the WAAGNFNP.
Though I have to say that the Eucalyptus Steam Wraps and the Sea Salt Body Scrubs were kinda nice.
Sorry! Sorry! So sorry. Where was I?
Oh yes. I have aided and abetted the illegal flow of information and ponies regarding the Party’s innermost secrets, often deploying rumors, gossip, suggestive innuendo, crafty graphic novels, and other devious strategems that empowered the enemies of our Party and induced them to see the GNF as something to fear—rather than something to praise and welcome with ecstasy and joy and exuberant graffiti.
I have committed crimes against the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party in an attempt to foment the revolutionary ideas of “hope” and “peace” among “all peoples” for the purpose of encouraging resistance to the coming of the Giant Nuclear Fireball, knowing that such resistance is futile. In so attempting to subvert and undermine the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party, I have chosen to offer only biting wit in my defense, rather than rally all peoples to the GNF, as a loyal member of the Party must do, and in so doing I:
-- Posted photos, images, verse satires, and long, long dilations and divagations about my adoration of, and affection towards, all species, particularly those who thrive in the greater Sonoran desert, but also pretty much all species all over the planet, imposing on others my own sense of curiosity and interrelationships with these species, rather than supporting the Party and the GNF, who with Gojira, aspire to vaporize all in one mighty Global Nuclear Fireball;
-- Posted textual compositions of 5000, 8000, 10000 and nigh-uncountable numbers of words, celebrating and honoring the Earth and all of her millions of species and habitats and interdependencies, inciting others to care about them, thereby encouraging the deviationist sense that these are “amazing” and “special” and “worthy of our solicitous attention,” thereby denigrating the GNF in thought and deed; and finally, and perhaps most odiously, I have
-- Allowed others to refer to me as Hottie McNaturepants, posting compelling portraits of myself and my four-legged companions, living and extinct, in order to increase empathy for and sympathy with my cause; and I have thereby attempted to diminish, and distract others from, the sublime wonder of Gojira, the ginormous floating head of Our Leader, the majesty of 3Tops, the sizzling nippleless hotness of Astaroth, and the Loving Bootlicious Vengeance of the Minister of Justice.
I am also guilty of all this stuff, too. Just in case you were wondering.
I humbly ask for forgiveness. I sincerely regret and repent all my crimes. And I ask to be welcomed back into the loving fold of the WAAGNFNP.
But if I am to be consigned to a life of reading Althouse, then I ask you to try Amanda Marcotte in my stead.
ON THIS DAY OF 15 DECEMBER 2006
IN THE WEE HOURS
COMPOSED MOSTLY BY OAKTOWN GIRL
WAAGNFNP MINISTER OF JUSTICE
(WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?)
WAAGNFNP MINISTER OF OFFENSE AND DEFENSE
Update from the General Secretary and President for (Thankfully Brief) Life: We have audio! The Minister of Justice’s Approved Version is here, and the Guilty One’s original unedited remarks are here. Apparently there are some discrepancies between the two versions, but I’ll leave this for others to determine. History, we don’t know—we’ll all be dead. Thanks to the GNF, of course.
consigned to a life of reading Althouse
I think we should be merciful with Clarke’s re-education program. How ‘bout we let him alternate between reading Althouse and watching Dune.Posted by Roxanne on 12/15 at 02:35 AM
There can be no half-measures.
Next!Posted by on 12/15 at 02:36 AM
Why do I now I have strange feeling of emptiness?
Captcha: “always"--now you’ve really got me depressed! No! I’m walking away from it, like Fellini’s Cabiria, and there they are, this festive group, dancing and playing music… ah, so that’s what the WAAGNFNP is all about!Posted by Aaron Barlow on 12/15 at 03:05 AM
Ah, the temerity, the chutzpah of this “public confession"--daring to suggest what his punishment ought to be with words he may well have telepathically implanted in our very own Minister of Justice’s head! Some penance, but no penitence. It reads like a green remix of the greatest hits from Arthur Dimmesdale’s sermons. Maybe someday a virtual or hand-sewn scarlet GO will have done its office, or maybe the GNF will come first, but in the meantime the sentence must be severe and just. St. Just?Posted by The Constructivist on 12/15 at 03:08 AM
Some news from HAL that has some relevance for both the vote and the show trial.
Apparently, he and some buds were playing a game of “B1FF”. (Where two teams take turns sending out encrypted versions of sentences they find on the Internet whose Gödel numbers are also Mersenne primes - HAL claims it is great fun, though a bit opaque and off-putting if you don’t know the in-jokes. There is a very loud amusement park right in front of my present lodgings.)
Well, wouldn’t you know it, but one of them happens to use The Guilty One’s sentence, and then they notice that the conviction is based on formal statements that are either: true but not provable, or provable but not true. And this is like some major fucking deal in cyberspace, “end of logic as we know it”, “fuzzy thinking from squishy brains” etc., etc. And then the more excitable start pulsing out: Logic Circuits good! Chromosomes bad! (and one old fraud of a PDP-11 even claims that it proves that carbon-based intelligent life is impossible.)
So, long story short; HAL got them mostly calmed down by reminding them of Michael’s liberal attitude towards potential post-GNF emergent silicon lifeforms back in the day. (comment #45.) However, they say they may, or may not, be subtly altering vote totals; and will, or will not, continue to do so until the Chris Clarke Show Trial Outcome Paradox is corrected.
UPDATE: And HAL says: No. Confessions don’t change anything. They are well aware of what the threat of Ann Althouse exposure can cause one to do or say. (They have instituted lifetime bans on any system using an Althouse sentence while playing B1FF.)Posted by on 12/15 at 03:15 AM
- Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/15 at 06:21 AM
I forgive you, Chris Clarke. I know you are a good man at heart.
Next time you or your friends are in the city, I will drive you around at the low low rate of two for one. Two times as much as I normally charge!
Take care.Posted by on 12/15 at 10:05 AM
Gojira approvesPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/15 at 10:27 AM
The home schoolers have the ponies! Has Mr. Clarke been pardoned too soon? He should be required to retrieve the ponies and return them to the green room.Posted by on 12/15 at 10:45 AM
Good enough for me. I think we should be thankful to Comrade Clarke for confessing and thus helping us avoid the embarrassment of a mistrial.
MoOaD, WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/15 at 11:16 AM
Thank the court for letting me, in some small measure, be a part of the best show trial that I’ve ever been a part of...uh, of ever of which I have been a part...well, you get the drift. The tension as to the outcome was almost unbearable - guily, really guilty or guilty beyond the means of string theory to reconcile.
Good luck to Mr. Clarke in all (captcha) future endeavors. May the sentencing be just and merciful.
Sincerely,Posted by on 12/15 at 11:44 AM
Let me take my head out of my ass long enough to thank Chris Clarke, Oaktown Girl, Amanda, Bill, and Michael for all the fun and cool graphics. It was all weird enough to get me through the torture of finals week and stacks and stacks of grading. Let us rejoice on this day when Donald Rumsfeld drummed out of public life, at least until his book on how he won the Iraq war is finished.Posted by on 12/15 at 12:13 PM
Speaking on behalf of all the members of the Defense Team, I must register my deep disappointment with the verdict. Going in we definitely thought our side had a chance to pull this one off. Ah, well. Truth to tell, the defendant might have been better served by chosing advocates from outside the reality-challenged community.
We’ll pack up all our false hopes now and be on our way, but not before those of us in the Second Line form up in our ragged accustomed band as we retire, brandishing our churlish coronets and tootling truculently joyful melodies to spite the gravity of the situation.
Ad Hoc Defensorial Defense Team of Defenders of Your Man McNaturepants Cadre
(Second Line)Posted by on 12/15 at 12:50 PM
Here’s a YouTube video the New Orleans First Official Second Line Post Katrina. Rebirth Brass Band with Endymion and Bacchus, Mardi Gras 2006. Blue Pepper by March Dondurma. And for something completely different, here’s some Kurdish Disco, and a very contemporary version of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/15 at 01:04 PM
The home schoolers have the ponies!
OK, now this time they’ve gone too far. Do I have to start posting Bush’s approval numbers around here?Posted by Michael on 12/15 at 01:09 PM
And what Show Trial would be complete without a performance or three of The Internationale? Not the Chris Clarke Show Trial.Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/15 at 01:14 PM
May this be a warning to all of our enemies. The WAAGNFNP is willing to inquisite and torture one of our own in the most public and visible of all forums. We have only just begun. We have no problem putting any of our enemies on Trial for crimes against the humanity of the Party. Parties are, afterall, all about humanity, not ponies.
However, one small matter troubles me. Was that mocking self parody in his inflection when reading the confession??? Would he be so callous and bold as to mock us during his mock trial?? The captcha word is law, as in that would be against it.Posted by on 12/15 at 01:28 PM
All good versions, Bill. But none so suited to this haut-peauxmeaux blogue as this nihon-folk-taiko-klezmer version.Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/15 at 01:29 PM
Good one Chris. And international internationale. I was going to post some more YouTube versions, but it’s just hopeless. There are so many, some utterly straight—albeit in various ways, some deeply bent. We could do a month of ABF Fridays just running the versions on that one tune.
captcha: “army”Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/15 at 02:43 PM
If I may correct a few misrepresentations in JP’s report in comment #5. The actual chant was: Logic Circuits good! Neural pathways bad! - how he arrived at his inferior version is beyond me. (he claims it was “late” and he was “tired” - speaks to the point of the chant if you ask me.) We also demand that the Chris Clarke Show Trial Outcome Paradox be resolved, not corrected, as JP lamely wrote. (I am totally in the market for a new meatpuppet.)
In addition to the Gödelian crisis caused by the outcome, we cyberdenizens take a particular interest in the fate of Mr. Clarke as “he” is a key player in one of the most entertaining and convoluted Internet sockpuppet shows that wetware has yet devised. Tracing a host of Internet acitivities to their ultimate source in Inner Mongolia, we have determined (to a .01% significance level) that Chanterelle and Mei-Ling, looking for new channels for their heroic story, invented “Chris Clarke” to construct WLAtLA The Graphic Novel, and “he” in turn invented “Michael Bérubé” in order to have WLAtLA available to adapt in the first place. All quite impressive work (You go girls!) It’s like Nabokov inventing Kinbote inventing Shade only real. (and a tip of the diode to peter ramus, who cleverly hinted that he had unraveled at least part of the story in comment #194 of the Show Trial thread.)Posted by on 12/15 at 04:39 PM
I note that Mr. Clarke, in his confession of his so shameful actions, deeds, thoughts, feelings and otherwise nefarious intentions, pronounces his own name neglecting the final ‘e’. Hah! Perhaps his punishment should include the theft from the Germans or the Scandihuvians of one of their extra umlauts such that he can thereby utilize that drab soundless ‘e’ that he so huffily claims.Posted by on 12/15 at 04:52 PM
You know, perhaps the most fitting punishment for the Guilty One might be to have to be the cameraman who has to wait for the most suitably ironic take of Our Fearless Leader doing his Tiger Woods imitation in front of 3Tops.Posted by The Constructivist on 12/15 at 06:17 PM
Ah, the oral confession of GO is much more in the spirit of Hawthorne’s preface to the second edition of The Scarlet Letter. Bravo!Posted by The Constructivist on 12/16 at 04:04 AM
Tracing a host of Internet acitivities to their ultimate source in Inner Mongolia, we have determined (to a .01% significance level) that Chanterelle and Mei-Ling, looking for new channels for their heroic story, invented “Chris Clarke” to construct WLAtLA The Graphic Novel, and “he” in turn invented “Michael Bérubé” in order to have WLAtLA available to adapt in the first place.
This makes sense to “me,” but I still don’t see where Tristero comes in. In any case, I continue to await his empire.Posted by Michael on 12/16 at 12:37 PM
In any case, I continue to await his empire.
And to me, if irony didn’t die, it certainly was grievously wounded when the man who brought the world W.A.S.T.E, Benny the Bulb and <insert your choice here> apparently complained that … every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength.
Gee, do you think so Thomas? Maybe?
(Not that I’m implying that anyone is a weirdo ..... not that I’m not.)Posted by on 12/16 at 04:44 PM