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Faith-based initiative

Dear Moloch,

Are you there?  It’s me, Michael.  Hey, listen, I’m going to be watching this “debate” tonight, and I have a favor to ask.  Things have gotten really weird around here lately, and I was hoping you could step in and help us out.  I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last wrote.  It’s true, we’ve kind of forgotten about you, and lots of your competitor deities have managed to elbow you off the stage.  You’re probably pretty upset about that, and I understand.  But if you can put all that behind you, O Moloch, that would be really great—just let me know what (or who!) you’d like us to sacrifice to set things right and get you involved in human affairs again.

I know you don’t usually read blogs, but Moloch, if you’re reading this one, could you let me know in comments?  Thanks so much!  Feel free to use one (or more!) of your many aliases, and be sure to type the captcha word in the little box so we’ll know you’re not one of those nasty diet-drug or porn bots.  Thanks again!!

Posted by on 10/02 at 07:54 PM
  1. Bugger off.  It’s forty minutes into this debate, and I can’t take this shit any more than you can.

    Posted by Ba'al  on  10/02  at  09:37 PM
  2. drug or porn bots.

    Chicka-Wow Chicka-Wow Wow!

    Er, I mean… Hi ho, Moloch the Phoenician here.  I have already gifted my melanin-rich minion with intellect and charisma beyond the merely average, and smitten the supposed anointed of Yahweh’s avatar with the curse of gibberish.  Yet Ohio is STILL A TOSS-UP?  Do I have to do everything for you ephemeral meat puppets?  Fine.  The head of the other ticket shall be indwelt by the Imp of Reckless War, subject to rages of bloodlust and the inability to correctly determine who is actually the enemy…

    ‘Scuse me, gotta call on the other line.

    -You got Chemosh, abomination of Moab.  Shoot.

    -Really?

    -He does?

    -Okay, thanks.

    Yeah, uh, that whole Imp thing?  Never mind.

    Anyway, the usual passing of your sons and daughters through the fire will do.  I also take PayPal.

    Posted by  on  10/02  at  09:59 PM
  3. Yeah, Moloch can’t come to the phone right now? But, you know, if you want to sacrifice something, maybe a nice carp?

    Posted by  on  10/02  at  10:59 PM
  4. "Salt Lake City on line one, Mr Berube. Yes, He’ll hold.”

    catcha: surface
    As in lurking just below.

    Posted by  on  10/02  at  11:20 PM
  5. Doggone it! There you go again pointing backwards, Michael. There’s no need to point fingers or play the blame game; I’ve grabbed the mantle of change. I’m all about cutting the number of sacrifices now. It’s time for the Gods to get out of the way of hard-working supplicants everywhere and let them prosper. I know it’s gotten a little crazy down there, but I’ve dispatched a Team of Mavericks to make it all better. I’ll be seeing you real soon now.

    (Oh one thing, can you see that First Canaanite Mutual is eligible for the bailout?)

    Posted by  on  10/02  at  11:56 PM
  6. no moloch, but would gozer the gozarian do?

    Posted by skippy  on  10/03  at  12:48 AM
  7. I, MOLOCH, demand that the heart of DICK CHENEY be removed in a blood sacrifice. Only then will I know that the Progressive Left is serious about change. The first change is to quit being such F U C K I N G W I M P S OooooOOOOOooooooooOOOOO!

    If he isn’t already dead.....anybody seen him lately? If he is already dead, then I demand ALBERTO GONZALES and GEORGE W BUSH OOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOO

    Posted by Kathy McCarty  on  10/03  at  01:44 AM
  8. We want a bag of candy corn.... now!  And some circus peanuts!  And a whippy!  Do not fail to deliver these items.  We are at the Motel 6, room 232.

    Posted by  on  10/03  at  02:06 AM
  9. I, Moloch the Great, have pierced the google earth fuzz surrounding Cheney’s residence.  The question of whether he is alive or dead is now definitively answered.  However, my rules dictate that I shall not tell the answer.  If you look quickly, you shall know what I know.  If you wait...he will superimpose once again.  Though I am a neutral god, a bipartisian god if you will, I suggest...I suggest someone hurry up and look at his condition again.  Thou shalt be pleased.

    As per the original topic, I wish for pure maple sugar candy and top quality marzipan.  You may send it through my primary contact on earth (see name below).  If you can manage this, perhaps I could see my way clear to send a few lightening bolts down there (metaphorically speaking).  Best of luck to you and I shall be waiting the gifts.

    (Moloch’s captcha:  ENOUGH!)

    Posted by  on  10/03  at  02:06 AM
  10. http://dickcheney.gov/heart

    404: address not found.

    Posted by Peter Darby  on  10/03  at  05:45 AM
  11. Hi Michael, I’m kinda busy right now.

    Moloch

    Posted by  on  10/03  at  07:20 AM
  12. Jelly beans, and lots of them.

    Posted by  on  10/03  at  08:05 AM
  13. Yo, Michael, this is the New World, why are you bigging up an Old World deity? Listen, when it comes to hearts, I’m the expert. The number one. And Dick Cheney sacrifices one to me daily.

    Posted by  on  10/03  at  01:20 PM
  14. Hi, and thank you for calling our help desk. For English, press 1.

    [1]

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    <computer-generated voice>Four. Four. Bee. Seven. Ell. Apostrophe. Five. Cue. Seven. Emdash. Thorn. Anubis. Anubis. Sheaf of Wheat. Emdash. Bee. Two. </computer-generated voice>

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    [Swell Mantovani cover of “Puppet On a String"]

    Posted by Moloch's Voice Mail System  on  10/03  at  02:55 PM
  15. You are Sooo out of luck dude.

    Like to say more, but me and the Big G have got plans… Catch you later.
    Ciao!

    Posted by  on  10/06  at  09:35 AM

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