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Special guest post by Senator John McCain (R.—Arizona)

My friends, I don’t understand what’s going on.

Look, I did everything they told me to do.  Absolutely everything.  They said that the ideal “50+1” ticket combines a sociopathic liar and an inarticulate, born-again wingnut, and I went ahead and got them both in one perky attractive package, a moose-dressin’ maverick and a hockey mom to boot.  And now they’re all turning on her, like that pantywaist from the New York Times.  “Oh, she’s not prepared,” they say.  “She doesn’t know about stuff and her answers to questions don’t make any sense.” WTFing F?  Like anybody gave a shit about this with Quayle or Baby Bush?  And the economy!  God damn every goddamn thing to hell.  They told me—Christ in a chicken basket, they swore to me I wouldn’t have to know anything about the damn economy.  They assured me that I could tell “the base” anything at all, just so long as I promised to cut their taxes and say my big thing about earmarks.  You know, you will know their names.  You will know their names: sonofabitch, that was supposed to be my entire fricking economic agenda.  “If you get stuck,” that Holtz-Eakin dweeb said, “just make some shit up.  Talk about offering a tax credit for all amortized debenture stock options and getting government out of the way and letting families choose.  They’ll love it.” And now people want me to deal with this fiscal “crisis,” which means I have to look out at all those whiners every goddamn day and tell them I feel their pain or some shit.  It’s just degrading.  Don’t these people know that I served my country?

And then this crap about how I’m running a “disgraceful campaign.” Disgraceful campaign?  Negro, please.  That sniveling coward Baby Bush didn’t even bother to complete his National Guard dodge, and he still managed to get a bunch of B-list Nixon henchmen to slander John Kerry and sling the shit about his war record.  Four years ago, plenty of people called Kerry a traitor and a lying SOB because of his Winter Soldier testimony to Congress, and the media lapped it up.  Why, that Sinclair outfit actually announced it was going to order all its stations to broadcast that Swift Boat extravaganza “Stolen Honor,” and the New York Times was cool with that.  Actually, they said the damn thing “should be shown in its entirety on all the networks, cable stations and on public television.” Goddammit to hell, what would be the equivalent of that shit today?  A prime-time special devoted to the question of whether Barack Obama secretly wrote Fugitive Days and Soul On Ice?  And then there were those purple-heart band-aids at the convention in New York.  Michelle Malkin going on TV to suggest that Kerry’s wounds were self-inflicted.  Cheney going around saying that a vote for Kerry was a vote for terrorism.  Jesus’ mother, I can’t believe I’m getting shit for a little whooping and yelling in my crowd.

Well, like I say, I don’t get it.  Apparently the world has changed somehow and nobody told me, because this stuff always worked just fine til now.  Goddamn.  I guess I have to do something dramatic tonight. Again. If you all have any ideas, whiners, now’s the time.

Oh, yeah, thanks to Michael Barude for letting me guest-google on his Internet.

Posted by on 10/15 at 02:44 PM
  1. Senator, with all due respect (if any), the Internet is still Al Gore’s.
    Clearly al-Obama is untouchable now, so I suggest the thing to do is to go after Biden. Where was he born? Scranton? Do we know that for sure? It could have been Altoona!!!
    You’re welcome, sir.

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  04:03 PM
  2. You know what might help? Maybe if McCain plays the flute in a bikini.  It seems to have been all the base needed to fall in love with Palin, so it might be worth a shot.  I look forward to tonight’s debate JUST IN CASE.  Someone get the man a flute.

    Posted by Robin Zebrowski  on  10/15  at  04:04 PM
  3. John,

    “Deep breath” 1.....2.....3.....now another deeeep breath......o.k. here’s the deal. Your best move at the debate tonight is to go with the Mike Gravel “I want to decriminalize drugs” shtick. You’ll probably pick up a chunk of the stoner vote and it’ll confuse the hell out of Obama. When he’s back on his heels hit pull some acorns out of your pocket. (yes real acorns) and start throwing them at Obama. Then look right in the camera and shout “Free beer for everyone FOREVER ...Cindy’s buying”.

    It might work.

    e.

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  04:10 PM
  4. Whatever you do, John, please don’t appeal to me as your friend: I am NOT your friend. I don’t even like you.

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  04:17 PM
  5. Good job, Michael, getting the Arizona Senator to drop by. See, your stay over at the 2004 GOP convention wasn’t a total loss afterall.

    Posted by Bulworth  on  10/15  at  04:19 PM
  6. Via Poe’s Law, I’m a right winger and this doesn’t seem like satire at all!  I stumbled in here and I’m happy as hell.

    Way to go, Maverick!  Send all the minorities to jail or back where they came from, give all the tax money to the biggest corporations and keep mining the poor!  Woo hoo!

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  04:34 PM
  7. Bérubé

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  04:44 PM
  8. Best. Political. Post. Evar.

    Looks to me like McCain only has one option - the “Black McCain Blazing Saddles Hold Yourself Hostage” Gambit:

    [Obama speaks at length and eloquently about the travails of the middle class, and looks pointedly at McCain. McCain flinches, refuses to look at Obama, draws his pistol and points it at his own head]

    McCain: [speaking in a low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the old white-haired dude gets it!

    McCain Staffer: Hold it, men. He’s not bluffing.

    Bob Shieffer: Listen to him, men, he’s just crazy enough to do it!

    McCain: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I’ll blow this old white-haired dude’s head all over this town!

    McCain: [now speaking in a higher voice] Oh, lo’dy, lo’d, he’s desp’it! Do what he sayyyy, do what he sayyyy…

    [Secret Service agents drop their guns. McCain jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd and towards the exit]

    Hillary Clinton: Isn’t anybody going to help that poor man?

    Bob Sheiffer: Hush, Hillary, that’s a sure way to get him killed!

    McCain: [higher voice] Oooh! He’p me, he’p me! Somebody he’p me! He’p me! He’p me! He’p me!

    McCain: [lower voice] Shut up!

    [McCain places his hand over his own mouth, drags himself out the door to the street and into his campaign bus]

    McCain: Ooh, baby, you are so talented! And they are so DUMB!

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  04:52 PM
  9. Dear Senator,

    You really need a game changer tonight.  You’ve got to come up with something big.  Something really, really big.  Huge, even.  Gigantic.

    You’re not connecting with voters on a visceral level, Senator.  They hear your words… but they’re just not feeling it.  You’ve got to show them something… something they haven’t seen.  You’ve got to show them the inner beauty of YOU.  And words won’t cut it… not this time, Senator.  There’s only one way to show voters who you really are… only one way to show them how much you really care about them… only one way to connect with their hearts and their guts, and make them love you.

    Your only hope can be described with but two words, Senator.  Two words.  Instead of debating tonight, instead of answering any questions, or speaking at all—you should simply walk out on that stage tonight, remain perfectly silent, and remember these two words:

    Interpretive Dance.

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  06:21 PM
  10. Show up in a flight suit, make the offer from #3 above. Move to #9. Then talk like this. And exit with #9 above.

    (Once on the bus, tell Sarah to make sure all the bumper stickers are in place, and when she does, put it in reverse and step on the gas.)

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  07:06 PM
  11. Sorry, sir. “Exit with #8.” Senior moment on my part.

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  07:09 PM
  12. Take it easy John, why don’t you pass the time by playing a little solitaire?

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  08:19 PM
  13. Did McCain insist that you post such a large photo of him? Probably so. What an egomaniac.

    Posted by Hattie  on  10/15  at  08:20 PM
  14. Senator McCain, I think you have answered your own question.  Perhaps it was when you said

    WTFing F?  Like anybody gave a shit about this with Quayle

    or perhaps when you said

    God damn every goddamn thing to hell

    or perhaps

    Christ in a chicken basket, they swore to me ...

    “They” were right: more swearing, please.  You tried out that “horse shit” stuff in the first debate, but you did it under your breath, and you let Keith Olbermann spin it as “course not”.  What the fuck?  More fucking swearing, John.  Out fucking loud, this time.  It’s time for you to show that your political weakness—your recklessness, bullying, and insane temper—is actually your political strength.  That’s some fucking straight talk we can believe in, my fucking friend.

    Hope this helps.

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  08:40 PM
  15. Senator—I know you’ve been busy, so you may not have noticed ...Discover the Network politics was roundly rejected in March, 2005.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  10/15  at  08:41 PM
  16. Senator

    I am an avid watcher of our patriotic television programs and I have been meaning to ask you. Can you please tell me sir, that episode of “Medium” in which Alison unmasked a murderous senator from Arizona who had eaten a fellow POW whilst captive in Vietnam, was that you? I thought it must be but they didn’t have the hair right.

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  09:47 PM
  17. No, Ayers wrote Soul On Ice.  Obama wrote The Communist Manifesto and The Autobiography of Malcolm X.

    Posted by  on  10/15  at  09:51 PM
  18. Thanks for all the suggestions, whiners!  How’d I do tonight?  I was hurting and angry, huh?  And I think I hit it out of the park when I did that “scare quotes” thing when I said “‘health’ of the mother.”

    I am so gonna rock tomorrow.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:02 AM
  19. Plus, I sneered at the notion that nuclear energy should be ‘safe.’ In two debates.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:07 AM
  20. And I think I hit it out of the park when I did that “scare quotes” thing when I said “‘health’ of the mother.”

    Yes, I think this will be a winning attack line. Go for it. Pregnant mothers are very mockable, they look funny and I imagine some of them have granite countertops.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:08 AM
  21. Not to mention comma splices.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:09 AM
  22. Only extreme environmentalists want nucular power to be safe. The rest of us Joe “The Plumber” Sixpacks just want $2 gas. Do they have gas in Colombia?

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:15 AM
  23. "Do they have gas in Columbia?”

    Only when they don’t soak their beans before cooking.

    e.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:37 AM
  24. Also, weren’t any of you surprised when I wound up the Ayers-Acorn thing by telling everyone my campaign is all about jobs and getting the economy moving again and not raising taxes?  Win!

    Captcha:  foreign, like my opponent.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:58 AM
  25. I would have watched the debate, honest, except we were out of beer and liquor and we didn’t have any of those liqueur chocolates or anything.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  01:42 AM
  26. I particularly liked your answer to the question of how the US could reduce its oil imports.  You said we could reduce imports from the Middle East and Venezuela, but not from Canada since they might then sell to China, and then in the very next sentence insisted that you are a free trader, unlike That One. 

    That was so cool.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  04:18 AM
  27. when I wound up the Ayers-Acorn thing by telling everyone my campaign is all about jobs and getting the economy moving again and not raising taxes? Win!

    Mega-win! It was so abrupt and unexpected, like a verbal jump cut. Very MTV! I’m sure it resonated very well with young voters.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  06:53 AM
  28. My dear, dear close friend, I especially enjoyed how you took the high road in last night’s debate. When you insisted that you personally don’t care at all whether Obama was trained as a child by Black Panthers to drink the blood of white Christian babies, that was very, very classy and a true reflection of the kind of honor you’ve brought to the campaign. It was only right, though, in a democracy, to insist that this 100% factually true information be put out there so that the people can decide whether it matters. That’s quite a service you are providing in your ads, to forgo the opportunity to make your own case so that the people can evaluate this information. Quite a sacrifice you are making.

    And it’s good to know that a long line of white, American McCains have been serving the United States of America for a long, long time. It’s not like anyone in That One’s family served in World War II or anything.

    (spambot-capturing word is “O <a href="">Hell</a>! what doe mine eyes with grief behold")

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  10:52 AM
  29. I mean, (spambot-capturing word is “O Hell! what doe mine eyes with grief behold")

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  10:53 AM
  30. Sven, I think Biden is from al-Toona.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:02 PM
  31. Glad you liked that part, RobW.  Would you believe I made that up right on the spot?  I amaze me sometimes.

    And what’s this about That One having a family, rm?  I thought he was raised by the terrorist wolves that are waiting to attack us.

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:03 PM
  32. I’ve been trying to decide which was the worst best part of the Sarah Palin answer. (Well, besides the whole thing being one grandiose evasion of truth; that she is on the ticket as the reult of a cynical tactical political calculation.)

    There was:
    • And, ladies’n jettymens, the little man has admonished me to grasp the broom a - ree-form and sweep this state Washington clean!
    • Satisfying Republican’s burning desire to have someone in the administration who is an expert on “special-needs families”.
    • “I’m proud of her”
    • Her husband is a pretty tough guy. (I’d love to know if McCain has a personal knowledge of that one. I suspect he does.)

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  12:07 PM
  33. Hey did everyone catch how I said we would absolutely take care of special needs kids without me committing to spend any money on it? Pretty slick huh?

    - John

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  02:16 PM
  34. yes, and we also caught how you think down syndrome is the same thing as autism!

    really?

    Posted by  on  10/16  at  04:19 PM
  35. Dear John:

    You seemed a little bit off your game with David Letterman this night.  Although you have been on that show a dozen times, you seemed to constantly propitiate yourself (at least you didn’t pee on yourself as far as we could see), nearly bending down on your knees, in apologizing for being too busy saving the US economy to show up for your previously scheduled interview.  You also forgot to mention that your friend George H. W. Bush pardoned all of the Iran-contra pals of yours so they couldn’t be considered “terrorists.” What gives?

    Posted by  on  10/17  at  06:38 AM
  36. To the Maverick:

    Did Bill Ayers ghostwrite this column by Heather Mac Donald?  I find the unrepentant focus on highfalutinism telling.

    Thanks,
    A Citizen Journalist

    Posted by  on  10/17  at  09:31 AM

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