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Operations

As I noted in yesterday’s update, Erick Erickson at RedState has announced “Operation Leper,” dedicated to purging the conservative moment of people who criticize Sarah Palin in the press.  This humble blog salutes the brave warriors of Operation Leper, and offers the following suggestions for other worthy endeavors:

Operation Lemur: dedicated to purging the conservative movement of everyone who knows where Madagascar is.

Operation Go John Galt: dedicated to glorifying conservatism by stiffing waitstaff:

If Obama is elected, maybe in lieu of a tip I should leave a note like the following:

HOPE AND CHANGE FOR AMERICA: Spreading the Wealth Around.

In lieu of a tip, $_____ has been donated to the Re-Elect Obama for President Campaign. Thank you for supporting the man and the movement that are bringing America together!

If enough people leave notes like this, I’m sure it will galvanize waitpeople everywhere in support of The One!

Operation Go John Galt, a/k/a “Operation Asshole,” will also be dedicated to making prank phone calls to taxi companies, dumping large beverages into airport trash cans, harassing baggers in supermarket checkout lines, and leaving hotel bathrooms extra extra messy

Operation Encyclopedia Brown: dedicated to excommunicating everyone who voices doubts about the groundbreaking super-sleuthing research being done to reveal the truth about Bill Ayers’s authorship of Barack Obama’s books and Obama’s long history of association with the shady Galadriel Project, which was established by Malcolm X and ACORN with the goal of establishing Elvish rule over all of Middle-Earth.

That’s a good start.  Now, over the weekend, let’s try to think up some more important operations to keep these people busy!

Posted by on 11/07 at 02:23 PM
  1. Operation Big Flush: Everyone goes out and gets a bald headed doll that looks like Joe the Plumber and then at the same time (maybe during Dancing with the Stars when Warren Sapp is dancing this week) everyone flushes the doll down the toilet dropping water pressure to the point that it becomes unsafe to drink.

    This could be coupled with a second operation to buy up all the toilet paper in America so when those pathogens in the drinking water hit, everyone on the “outside” is S O L to coin a phrase.

    e.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  03:52 PM
  2. Damned elitist elves…

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  04:05 PM
  3. Operation Jog Jakarta Sends conservative investigative journamalists to Indonesia to pay random Indonesians to tell stories about the young Barack Obama.  Nice synergy with touristic possibilities. Get Richard Mellon Scaife to fund this one.

    Operation Missing Video Tape Identifies videos of Barack and Michelle Obama doing/saying scary things and concocts complicated explanations why said videos will never see the light of day.  Contributions are judged on the basis of the vastness of the suppression conspiracy. Existence of tapes can simply be stipulated.

    Operation Spread It Back Encourages patriotic conservatives who earn less than $200,000 per annum to return their socialistic Obama tax cuts to the more personally successful conservatives to whom the money rightfully belongs.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  04:29 PM
  4. Your blog is very funny! Your name caught my eye because I am a Berube too. I live in Canada. Are there a lot of Berubes in the US?

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  04:31 PM
  5. Operation Nautical Metaphor Did Bill Ayers ghost write The Old Man and the Sea?  Do U.S. Navy manuals suggest a vast, Weather Underground conspiracy undermining our military from within?  The nautical metaphors don’t lie!  This project will provide much needed employment for literary scholar and patriot Jeff G*ldst*in.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  04:35 PM
  6. Operation Birthright: Send two conservatives --one male and one female-- to Kenya to have sex, get pregnant, and birth a child named Barack Obama in order to procure the birth certificate of their dreams. 

    Child will then be donated to Sally Struthers.

    Posted by Dan  on  11/07  at  04:43 PM
  7. Ben,

    Could your operation Spread It Back go by the alternate name of “Operation Shove it Back Up”?

    Just wondering…

    e.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  04:44 PM
  8. Operation The Wright Stuff: Hack into the major cell phone company databases and convert every user’s ringtone into a .wav file of Reverend Wright saying “God Damn America” Once for each ring.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  04:52 PM
  9. Operation Democracy, Whiskey, Sodomy: encourages conservatives to retreat to the hills in order to avoid having Obama ply them with whiskey and reefer so that they wake up with their pants around their ankles.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  04:56 PM
  10. Operation Hallibeagle: Organize the nation’s beleaguered owners of substandard puppy mills to rebel against the Obamastration’s blatant favoritism toward so-called “rescue” “dogs.” Bring back the days in which self-sufficient and patriotic dogs rescued themselves!

    Slogan: “What’s that, girl? Someone’s throwing tax money down a well?”

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  11/07  at  05:18 PM
  11. Your blog is very funny!

    Many thanks!  But as you can see, my comment section is even funnier.  Hey Ben, do the elite forces of Operation Missing Video Tape get extra extra bonus points if they work George Soros in there somewhere?  And Rich, do you think we can get the DWS people together with the John Galts in this retreat-to-the-hills business?

    Are there a lot of Berubes in the US?

    Not more than a couple of thousand, I think.  Most of us seem to be clustered in New England, as if we slid down from Quebec but not too far down.  (That’s exactly how my father’s people got here—sliding all the way.) But I can’t remember which Intertube has that cool widget where you can see the US distribution of surnames.

    Posted by Michael  on  11/07  at  05:29 PM
  12. Operation Alaskan Airspace: Deploy crack teams of trained conservative lookouts to Alaska to keep watch on Russia from coastal observation towers and wolf-shooting aircraft. Ensure 24-hour eyewitness monitoring for early signs of ginormous-ugly-head-rearing.

    Operation Pal Joey: Use Watergate-burglar-style raids to obtain rolodexes and cellphone contact lists from all remotely plausible Democratic candidates for national office. Create a central database to trace palships and acquaintances and establish first, second, and third-degree associations with known and suspected domestic terrorists of the distant past. Smear ‘em.

    captcha: lead, follow, or get out of the way.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  05:41 PM
  13. Operation Talk to the Invisible Hand: robo call households in the end stages of mortgage foreclosure and tell them the Obama campaign plans to use unspent political contributions to retire the debt of citizens with a compelling story. Urge the marks to call the Obama transition team immediately.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  05:57 PM
  14. Operation Is This Your Ass Or A Hole In The Ground.  If they take this one up we’ll never hear form hem agian.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  06:08 PM
  15. uh that’s “never hear from them again.” Sounds like I might’ve failed this operation myself.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  06:09 PM
  16. I think this is great.  The conservatives should purge their ranks of as many people as possible:  people who think Africa is a continent, people who know what NAFTA is, people who don’t shop at Neiman Marcus… I think we should give them as many ideas as possible of whole groups to purge from their movement.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  06:40 PM
  17. Operation Morlock—Defictionalization for fun, food and profit.

    Operation Urgent Fury II—Wingnut invasion of Aruba to avenge Natalee Holloway, rechannel the rage generated by the bombings perpetrated by William Ayers, set up an offshore tax haven utopia and rescue medical students.

    Operation Pwned—Participate in this exciting experiment in massively parallel computing and social interaction while never leaving your mom’s basement. Just continue writing your current blog and you’ll be part of something much bigger than your self!

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  06:47 PM
  18. Sven,

    For “Pal Joey” can we get one of the “webby” things going where you put the name in and all the first order associations come up, then you follow the web to ensure that you can prove that Obama is connected with Hitler, Ghengis Khan, Al Capone, Stalin, Columbian drug lords, and possibly worst of all… Cornell West.

    e.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  07:21 PM
  19. Operation Operation: See if you can find the remnants of John McCain’s honor without setting off the buzzer or his red nose. O’Reilly gets to use a loofah instead of tweezers. Hannity gets to use Colmes. Coulter gets to remove her own Adam’s apple.

    captcha: fine, as in this idea ain’t nothing but fine fine fine

    Posted by George  on  11/07  at  08:17 PM
  20. Operation Retread: Bill Ayers jokes didn’t work before the election, but they might work after it.  Not sure what objective they’ll actually accomplish, but they feel oh so good.

    Operation Retrench: Welcome to the jungle. You’re now behind enemy lines with all odds against you, everyone is a potential enemy and you’re facing a long, uphill, seemingly hopeless battle. Welcome to dissent in a socialist country. It’s a fucked up mission, but it’s winnable. More importantly, we can’t NOT win it, because we’re just not wired that way. Defeat is not an option. Death might be, but defeat isn’t.

    Operation Rebrand: everything popular is conservative, even if yesterday it was socialistic.  Surprisingly, this is attempted even without that forgetty-heely thing from Men in Black

    http://ace.mu.nu/archives/277616.php
    http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/14055.html
    http://www.ourfuture.org/blog-entry/2008114505/center-right-nation-watch-brokaw-hemmer-rove-buchanan-edition

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  09:13 PM
  21. Operation Godwin’s Law and Order: America will see how bad Obama is if conservatives can just make enough Nazi comparisons.

    Actually, that would be a great TV show.  Godwin’s Law and Order: in the first scene, some stumbles on a dead body.  Then you cut to some police finding clues, cynically wisecracking to each other as they guard those mean streets.  Then a cut to two young, attractive prosecutors.

    Male prosecutor:  “Clearly, he was killed by .. Nazis.”
    Female prosecutor: “Are you sure?  All the evidence points to a drunken argument with his friend.  I mean, we found the guy with the gun in his hand and he admitted it.”
    Male prosecutor: “Are you sure he isn’t a Nazi?”

    Then there’s a plot twist—it looks like the guy didn’t do it—then it looks like he did—and then finally, he did do it, but not because it was a drunken argument.  He did it because he was a Nazi.

    And that’s how every show in the series ends.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  09:35 PM
  22. Jennibee,

    Rebrand: Rove is all over this. He is telling everyone who will listen that Obama ran a “center/right” campaign. And that’s why he won because the U. S. is a center/right country.

    It’s brilliant because nobody can understand a word he is saying.

    e.

    captcha “red” as better dead than…

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  09:35 PM
  23. Oh yeah, I got the original link from The Edge of the American West.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  09:40 PM
  24. While all this parody is very humorous, nothing is funnier than Dr. Helen’s original threat to “Go John Galt”.  Because if there’s one blow the American economy can not withstand, it’s if an anti-woman psychologist blogger deprives us of her services.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  09:46 PM
  25. Operation Nino: Dedicated to expelling all those who cite foreign laws or customs, or who otherwise go in for all this “decent respect for the opinions of mankind” crap.

    Posted by Michael Drake  on  11/07  at  09:48 PM
  26. Operation Backatcha: Conservatives load their various-sized Hummers (you know, H1, H2, H3, HM) with: motor oil, antifreeze, phosphate detergents, lawn herbicides and garden pesticides; then drive around the parts of the urban inner cities (in which outlying, million-dollar, gated burbclaves they all live) spraying these harmless and drinkable solutions upon the residents (particularly those of color).  Rainy days, dreams away, wash it all into the nearest river to improve the quality (captcha) of the oceans.  Because, well, doesn’t Monsanto and Dow need to experience their own economic bubble?

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  09:53 PM
  27. Operation Quincy: They all simultaneously declare “It wasn’t suicide, it was murder!” and purge everyone but themselves, because, naturally, each individual was right while everyone else was wrong.

    captcha: moral—that’s right, each also purged everyone else because it was the moral thing to do.

    Posted by  on  11/07  at  10:11 PM
  28. Operation Tekton: Borrowing from the plot of “The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down A Mountain,” Operation Tekton calls on all conservatives to grab their shovels and gear up for the most ambitious redistribution of land since the Jurassic period. Shovelful by shovelful, conservatives will “spread the wealth” of Red State soil, dusting every corner of the Blue States with Heartland...heartland. Thus Tom Brokaw can be trotted out to argue before the nation that all our geography belong to McCain.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  12:16 AM
  29. 21: Godwin’s Law and Order:

    Great idea. And of course there are natural spin-offs - One where did the commie do it? then the islamofascist, the immigrant? and finally the black man? And in the last show, fed up with the slowness and “arbitrariness” of the court system they can begin administering justice by direct means out in the field.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  09:50 AM
  30. Not more than a couple of thousand, I think.  Most of us seem to be clustered in New England, as if we slid down from Quebec but not too far down.  (That’s exactly how my father’s people got here—sliding all the way.)

    smile I have a brother who lives in Pittsburgh, but otherwise I guess its long lost cousins all the way.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  10:34 AM
  31. Good ideas, JP Stormcrow, but we’d have to make sure the original formula stays unchanged.  Anyone watching that show would go nuts if every formulaic element wasn’t in place in every episode.  So for the original show, it always has to be Nazis—or rather, the people can *appear* to be Muslim, black, or whatever, but really they’re Nazis.

    There should be, as you say, a spinoff show for people who prefer the more straightforwardly American “he did it because he’s black”.  What you’re talking about is clearly Godwin’s Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  10:49 AM
  32. Yes, I should have been more clear, each victim-type would have been its own spinoff series. I agree that you can’t mess with the formula.I

    “At first I suspected Banquo. And then, of course, he was the second person killed. That was good right in there, that part. The person you suspect of the first murder should always be the second victim.” “Is that so?” I murmured. “Oh, yes,” said my informant. “They have to keep surprising you”.

    Thurber—"The Macbeth Murder Mystery”

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  11:08 AM
  33. Operation Leper II: Outbreak.  In the sequel, after having made a leper of everyone who said anything bad about Sarah Palin, the movement goes on to make a leper of everyone who said anything good about anybody who said anything bad about Sarah Palin, then makes a leper of everyone who said anything bad about anybody who gave leprosy to anybody who said anything good about anybody who said anything bad about Sarah Palin, then.... Ends with Michelle Malkin losing her toes in a self-constructed internment camp.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  11:16 AM
  34. Operation Nofziger Rulez, Rawls Droolz: wherein the Heritage and Cato Institutes create a sustained media outreach program to prove rising Gini coefficient notwithstanding, trickle down economics is not some kind of fancy Ayn Randian Voodoo Drink, but it totally does lift everyone’s boat. Even those who can’t afford a pot in which to piss. (Although, to be fair, those who can’t afford a boat can surely afford to spend a few welfare bucks for some pallets and twine, so they can make their own raft. All it takes is some ingenuity, initiative and gumption!)

    Bonus operations:

    Operation TDS - wherein the conservative lobby presses The Daily Show to replace John Stewart with Rush Limbaugh.

    Operation Mandate - wherein the conservative lobby takes to the airwaves to argue, Bush Administration notwithstanding, one needs more than a 52% margin (or a greater than 201 margin in the EC) to claim any sort of mandate for change.

    Operation 15% - Wherein Dr. Helen and her ilk travel to France to see how refusal to tip the wait staff works for them.

    Operation Loogey - Wherein they find out.

    Operation Malthus - Kinda speaks for itself.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  12:21 PM
  35. Operation . . . Timing!: Purging the conservative movement of its humorists who are not funny.

    Operation Mammals in General: Purging the conservative movement of conservatives who repeatedly and obliviously contradict themselves.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  12:43 PM
  36. I am so loving this thread.  Hey, does anyone want to propose Operation Ivy?  Dedicated to purging the party of snooty Eastern elites with degrees from Harvard, Yale, etc.?

    Posted by Michael  on  11/08  at  01:44 PM
  37. You want more?  I think I’ve already done my best one since PSI: Protest Scene Investigation.

    All right, how about this: Operation No Backsies Infinity.  Conservatives fall on a grenade to save conservatism by discovering that they were actually deep-cover Communist agents planted to discredit conservatism.  But now that they’ve been exposed, the Bush years were actually Communism, not conservatism, and therefore the next generation can take over and get us back to real conservatism.  Sadly, this means that current conservative leaders will have to demand that they be thrown in prison, but they can have lots of fun by reenacting old classics: claiming they have a list of hundreds of conservatives in the Department of Justice; planting microphones in their Halloween pumpkins, building an electric chair to execute themselves, and so on.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  03:34 PM
  38. As we speak, Norm Coleman is fighting the fight for clean elections in notoriously corrupt Minnesota.

    Posted by John Emerson  on  11/08  at  04:14 PM
  39. Operation Really, Really Intelligent Design: Take steps to purge--yes! purge!--the Party of Lincoln of all those Satan-besotted sinners that espouse belief in the insane idea they are descended from a monkey. Because it doesn’t say so in The Holy Bible, and this is a goddamn Christian nation.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  05:00 PM
  40. Operation Grover :

    The GOP seeks to find a future running mate for Palin in 2012.  This person must have a very limited understanding of world geography so as not to show up the top of the ticket, but behind the scenes he or she must be savvy and ruthless enough to handle such tasks as being “in charge of the Senate.” He or she must also understand the need to return to the true conservative goal that is the underlying lifeblood of the party: making government so small you could drown it in a bathtub with a rubber ducky.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  05:54 PM
  41. Operation Right Up Yer RIAA You Betcha: First, name the film version of Sarah Palin’s life A Beautiful Mind. Then make it a death penalty case when the entire world downloads it for free and turns themselves in, deeply ashamed and nauseous. Perps to be shot from helicopters.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  07:47 PM
  42. With so many projects to fund we need money.

    Operation Change We Can Believe In: Where plastic coin collectors are placed at multitudinous retail counters asking people to put in their change to fund “real change”. Since now Obama is the status quo it won’t be misrepresentation at all. And if the dollar goes to hell in a handcart (which it will for sure under the gay/socialist/muslim regime), at least we will be able to melt down the coins for their commodity value to fund the critical work at hand.

    e.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  09:25 PM
  43. Operation No Backises Infinity had a certain ring to it, but after consideration, I think that conservatives-so-bad-they-must-be-Communist-agents idea has another, better name that brings the whole thread back to the beginning again.  It clearly should be Operation Red State.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  10:06 PM
  44. Counter-Operation We’re Just Fucking With Your Heads

    obama5yl4vw6.jpg

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  10:48 PM
  45. Operation Unit 24 A special operations team operating out of the super-secret bunkers where Cheney gets his operations.  Agents--including Jack Oswald, Sirhan Bishra, Earl Ray, Addington Yoo, Matahari Hasselbeck--conduct pinpoint surgical strikes against members of the non-neo-conservative intelligensia hoping for massive collateral damage that takes out useless and unnecessary faux socio-liberal-conservatives.

    Posted by  on  11/08  at  11:13 PM
  46. Operation Sunday Morning Coming Down: An operation where church attendance is parsed into meaningful categories so it is clear who side everyone is on. This would be based on number of weeks out of the year people attend service. Here is the breakdown

    50-52 - Regular Churchgoer
    45-49 - Occasional Churchgoer
    40-44 - Slacker
    35-39 - Democrat
    30-34 - Atheist
    20-29 - Liberal
    15-19 - Socialist
    10-14 - Obama Campaign Volunteer
    5-9 - Communist
    1-4 - William Ayers
    0 - Osama Bin Laden and friends

    Posted by  on  11/09  at  11:24 AM
  47. I know plenty of people who mess with Operation Sunday Morning. I fall into the 50-52 weeks/year crowd yet am a self-described liberal loon, somewhere between liberal and socialist with a healthy dose of No on (CA) Prop 8 campaign volunteer. Polls mean nothing. Bwa ha ha!

    Posted by  on  11/09  at  07:02 PM
  48. CherB @ 4: Are there a lot of Berubes in the US?

    Can’t answer your question ... but it would appear there are at least 2 Michael Berubes here: I had a thusly named graduate student at MIT in the late 80s (or perhaps it was the early 90s).

    Imagine my surprise-in-advance at discovering this blog (in 1985, natch).

    Posted by  on  11/09  at  07:18 PM
  49. Rachel clearly belongs to the wrong church.

    And what the hell is that document in 44?  It looks like Obama’s reading The Book of Marx while the quartet practices in the park and we drink milkshakes in the dark.  That can’t be right.

    Posted by Michael  on  11/09  at  08:34 PM
  50. Operation Faith Base: Someone owe you money? Don’t worry, the check’s in the mail - take it on faith! The idea is to open a series of gated communities on land fills and unremediated superfund sites. You need to be a neocon to live in one of these communities. To buy in you have to put half of your net worth in a hedge fund invested in sophistical financial instruments whose only underlying asset is the faith of the person who sells it to you. Pure faith baby! Worried about the sludge oozing into your bathtub, the miasma hanging over your roof? Don’t worry, it’s all a prelude to the Rapture. Take in on faith! Worried about the cost of gas for your Hummer? Don’t worry, just run a tube into the ground and feed the gas into your tank. Keep the faith!

    Posted by  on  11/09  at  08:57 PM
  51. Operation Obambi/Gaybama:  Dedicated to the proposition that this supposed devoted family man is actually gay, like Governor McGeevey or whatever his name was.  Because real men aren’t Democrat intellectuals, after all.

    Posted by  on  11/09  at  10:36 PM
  52. ok, somebody probably mentioned this already in the thread but:  Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?  space colony?  three spaceships prepared, one spaceship, the one containing bureaucracts, telephone sanitizers, and so on, leaving “first”?

    we need to “discover” a Republican planet!
    let’s call it “Red (Dawn) Planet”

    captcha:  “children”, as in “do it for the sake of the children!”

    Posted by  on  11/09  at  11:07 PM
  53. Operation Ivy!

    All Fridays are ABF, and it’s always the right time to be an Insufferable Music Snob (TM). 

    Man, that takes me back—their first 7” was one of my favorite records of the eighties.

    captcha: test, as in “Named for an H-bomb test shot.”

    Posted by  on  11/10  at  12:40 PM
  54. Couldn’t be written any better. Reading this post reminds me of my old room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thanks for sharing!
    bathroom design

    Posted by bathroom design  on  11/11  at  04:02 AM
  55. Thanks, bathroom design, I appreciate it.  And may I compliment you in return on your bathroom design?

    Posted by Michael  on  11/11  at  10:23 AM
  56. “Because if there’s one blow the American economy can not withstand, it’s if an anti-woman psychologist blogger deprives us of her services.”

    That make it sound a little like Operation Lysistrata

    Posted by  on  11/12  at  12:33 AM
  57. As a member of the Pro-Bama East Coast Ivory Tower Elite who has, at several points in the past fifteen years, worked in the food service industry, I propose that someone start a website analogous to hollaback.com to publicly shame nasty customers and lousy tippers. Waitstaff, baristas, buspeople, delivery persons and bartenders will be empowered with camera phones to snap pictures of and, if possible, swipe names from credit card slips of asshole restaurant patrons. Offenders will be posted online so that area service people can proactively cough into their no-foam cappucinos or ignore their entitled braying for another salt-rimmed persimmon-lychee margarita.
    That’ll learn ‘em.

    Posted by  on  11/13  at  09:46 AM
  58. We will call this Counter-Operation Karma’s A Bitch.

    Posted by  on  11/13  at  09:53 AM
  59. If Obama is elected, maybe in lieu of a tip I should leave a note like the following:

    HOPE AND CHANGE FOR AMERICA: Spreading the Wealth Around.

    The adjunct operation dedicated to locating the waitperson who makes over $250,000 per year and thus proves that this is *not* just about being a gratuitous asshole to people who can’t do anything about it can only be called, of course, Operation Who Is John Galt?

    Posted by  on  11/13  at  11:54 AM

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