Shoes, cars, despair in general
Did you ever have one of those days when you just didn’t feel like doing anything? Anything at all? Even including typing “did you ever have one of those days when you just didn’t feel like doing anything?” I just had three of ‘em in a row. Of course, I still did some stuff. But I really didn’t feel like it.
And I can’t blog about the Cheney Administration’s last series of affronts to all that is good and decent, like that loophole in the bailout that requires us to keep tithing directly to our CEO overlords, or their new and hard-to-undo regulations allowing their friends to step up their efforts to poison the planet. It’s just too depressing. You know, it’s almost as if they’re trying to make a profit off of environmental and financial disasters! Somebody ought to write a book about that. Me, I’m not up to it. I simply say I throw my shoes in your general direction, you dogs. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Nor can I blog about Senate Republicans’ desires to plunge the country into a depression in order to break the back of the UAW. Somebody else will have to do that. Instead, I am going to blog about something I can manage: the Dodge Avenger.
I mean, when I think of the Detroit bailout in terms of supporting the UAW, I’m not the least bit ambivalent. But when I think of the industry . . . well, can I ask what the hell is up with cars like the Avenger? Jamie and I rented one when we were in Vegas, breaking our streak of six consecutive PT Cruisers, and the driving experience was kind of baffling. Let’s start with the name: Avenger? I’ve always thought the weirdest name for a car was the Toyota Cressida. You know, they already have a Celica—couldn’t they have gone with the “Toyota Troilus” instead? What kind of literary allusion is that, anyway? Toyota Cressida—a car you shouldn’t necessarily trust? Yes, I know what DeLillo says—these are “supranational names, computer-generated, more or less universally pronounceable. Part of every child’s brain noise, the substatic regions too deep to probe.” But still. What or who precisely is being avenged by the Avenger? Jamie and I drove around Vegas and the Hoover Dam muttering, “by Grabthar’s hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be Dodge Avenged,” and we managed to amuse ourselves. But at some point between July and now (look, it was really really low on my to-do list, OK? I had to wait until I didn’t feel like doing anything for a couple of days), I checked out a review of the Avenger, and yes, it appears to suck every bit as much as I thought. Who designs these hideous things? Who names them?
And what is to be done?
I don’t normally like to be the Link Police (although that was a catchy, but minor, Cheap Trick tune back in the day). But was the DeLillo link just supposed to take us to the Google? I can of course google the quote. (Or is it some meta-postmodern link around thing?)
Regarding your larger point, I concur. Detroit has put out some real duds, which is not a sustainable strategy, and needs to be avenged. Somehow.Posted by on 12/16 at 12:52 PM
Oops! Sorry about that, Link Police. I could have gotten it right the first time, but I just didn’t feel like it. Fixed now! (Where “fixed” means “no longer meta-postmodern and inept.")Posted by on 12/16 at 01:03 PM
Thanks! I read White Noise a while ago, but had forgotten that line. I’m holding out for a Dodge Desdemona myself.Posted by on 12/16 at 01:14 PM
Damn, we can’t let the Auto Industry debacle drive us into a depression but isn’t a bailout enabling an artificial “survival of the unfittest” scenario?Posted by on 12/16 at 01:15 PM
Suspect that the Avenger (and, for that matter, the PT Cruiser) are aimed at tapping in to a bit of that Greatest Generation nostalgia. There’s already been a Ford Mustang, named after the P-51. Look out for a Chevrolet Sherman, Cadillac Bastogne and Buick Iwojima.
It could have been worse - Ford UK in the 1980s seemed determined to name every saloon it produced after a skin magazine. Ford Fiesta, Ford Escort…Posted by on 12/16 at 01:16 PM
Let’s not forget the Ford Galaxy Quest.Posted by on 12/16 at 01:25 PM
Or the Ford Probe. Good Lord.
Mind you, this isn’t confined to Detroit: over here we have (or at least had) the Jensen Interceptor and the Bristol Fighter. Makes you think well of Rolls-Royce: Silver Ghost, Silver Shadow, Silver Spirit, Silver Dawn, but not (so far) Silver Surfer.Posted by on 12/16 at 01:30 PM
Ford UK in the 1980s seemed determined to name every saloon it produced after a skin magazine
I can’t wait till they release the Nugget.
captcha: “trade,” as in what I wouldn’t do with my place and Obama’s for all the
teaheavy metals in ChinaPosted by Lance on 12/16 at 01:34 PM
It’s not the PT Cruiser. It’s the PT Barnum.Posted by on 12/16 at 01:37 PM
From the Department of Not-Quite-Random-But-Definitely-Irrelevant Musings, what do elderberries smell like? I’ve always wondered.
And yes, the Ford Probe is just . . . amazing.Posted by on 12/16 at 01:42 PM
Well, at least the Ford Probe outsold the Chrysler Catheter.Posted by on 12/16 at 01:51 PM
And who can forget the Ford Barely Legal?Posted by George on 12/16 at 02:05 PM
I’m banking on one of
BigDead Three to reinvent itself as the plucky underdog, full o’ moxie & spunk, whose marketers scan the internets for the hippest of ideas from the po-mo, po-iron crowd.
Say hello to the 2010 Ford Auto-Mobile.Posted by on 12/16 at 02:10 PM
I drive an Echo, my brother drives a Versa, and my friend drives a Stanza. The Versa has a Quatrain™ drive system, but the Stanza’s brakes have an enjambment problem.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week.Posted by on 12/16 at 02:28 PM
You all laugh at the Ford Probe, but it’s a better name than their first choice, the Ford Molest. Though “Chrysler Catheter” is making me laugh in a most painful kind of way. And didn’t Buick or Oldsmobile have an Incontinentia 800 model, or am I just hallucinating that?Posted by on 12/16 at 03:32 PM
The Dodge Caliber may give the Avenger a run for its money in terms of suckitude. While it’s a stupid name, it’s not as mockable as “Avenger”. On the other hand, it’s got horrible visibility out the back (the side back windows have black borders around them much like a 1980s microwave oven).
My favorite is still the Dodge Stealth. As a friend once wrote, the only way his Dodge (which was one of the models with wood panelled doors) would be Stealthy is if he drove it through an Ikea.Posted by JD on 12/16 at 03:37 PM
Minusculely off-topic, I live where there is much veneration of Wyoming’s Teton Range. Half our businesses are named Teton This, Teton That. Like the restaurant, Teton Thai.
When that burgeoning India automaker starts selling in the US, I’ll be looking for investors in Teton Tata.Posted by on 12/16 at 03:49 PM
Actually it appears that the “first” Avenger was the Hillman Avenger from 1970 (it was owned by Chrysler at the time). It was marketed in the US as the Plymouth Cricket.Posted by on 12/16 at 04:04 PM
Also rented an Avenger, also hated it. Most uncomfortable car ever...even more than the back of a volkswagen (of course, if you get that movie reference, you know that I have strange taste).
Perhaps we need to revisit the Nova, since Chevy canceled it because it meant “doesn’t go” in Spanish. The name somehow seems more fitting now that the auto industry is epically failing. Of course, we might have to qualify that to say “doesn’t go without government’s help,” but I don’t think “no va sin apoyo del gubierno” will fit across the trunk…Posted by Derek T. on 12/16 at 04:10 PM
I’m fond of the Subaru Snopes, myself.Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/16 at 05:39 PM
My favorite is still the Dodge Stealth.
An acquaintance wanted to sue Chrysler for false advertising--it seems police radar guns were quite capable of detecting his Stealth, after all.
The name “Avenger” has an easy explanation--an ungrateful public failed to buy enough of Chrysler’s cars, and Chrysler will be avenged . . .
The captcha, oddly enough, is my last anme . . .Posted by on 12/16 at 06:13 PM
OMG! My sisters and I had many difficult rental-car experiences last summer, and among our favorites were the Avenger and the Caliper [which my sister calls the “Caliper"]. I have previously rented the PT cruiser, and some model that wanted to look like a PT cruiser but was even weirder.
Our theory is that ALL of these cars were sold to rental-car fleets, because they can’t sell otherwise. Also, they all have extremely weird features. Just try to locate the AC and door locks on the first try—it’s impossible! We only found out later that the Avenger’s extra strangely-shaped glovebox was intended to be a cooler for 4 cans of soda.Posted by on 12/16 at 06:37 PM
I meant to write “Caliber” the first time, but teh Caliper is part of the family lore now.Posted by on 12/16 at 06:38 PM
Since you went away, Michael, I’ve gotten addicted to a British show called Top Gear (I think it had something to do with the writer’s strike). Anyway, they road test American cars there occasionally, but the British versions, sometimes of models we don’t have here, and sometimes a model that sounds familiar, but isn’t. And you know what? Cars that they think up in Detroit but then send to the UK don’t tend to suck as much. In fact, they’re sometimes quite good, as the hosts will admit. (They’re always rattling on about something called a “Ford Mondeo.") It’s almost as if *American* cars in America didn’t necessarily have to suck. Weird, huh?Posted by tikistitch on 12/16 at 07:02 PM
I’m fond of the Subaru Snopes, myself.
I believe Faulkner used to drive one of those.
the Caliper [which my sister calls the “Caliper"]
I think this works better without the correction, Kathy—it’s more unsettling. And it reminds me of that great old Ford Forceps I used to drive in the 1980s.
some model that wanted to look like a PT cruiser but was even weirder
Well, if you want weird, you can have the car I wound up renting for that Dayton - Lexington trip back in October . . . the thuggish yet clumsy Chrysler 300. Apparently inspired by the film of the same name, it’s a car that simply makes people sit up, take notice, and ask, “that’s not yours, is it?”Posted by on 12/16 at 07:34 PM
Once, when we had a family trip that involved arriving in Minneapolis/St. Paul at night and renting a car, driving to the hotel and crashing. Next morning we went out to our rented PT Cruiser and found it to be purple (not black as we thought) with flames painted on the hood.
Every rental car since that one has been a disappointment for our kids.Posted by on 12/16 at 07:40 PM
some model that wanted to look like a PT cruiser but was even weirder
Could it have been the Chevy HHR, which I think is their “retro” model?Posted by on 12/16 at 08:22 PM
I used to drive a Ford Escort. It was like the Ford Prostitute, only more expensive.Posted by on 12/16 at 08:30 PM
I had a Honda Civic that ran and was voted onto the local council and last Xmas organised a carol concert.
I now drive a Picasso - only available in Blue and the windscreen is where the passneger door should be.Posted by s'dog on 12/16 at 09:33 PM
@David in #17: I don’t see it happening. What kind of boob would name a dealership the Teton Tata?
The Ford Probe wasn’t half the car the Ford Colonoscope would’ve been. Or would it have to be a Lincoln Colonoscope to be fancy enough for its name?Posted by Orange on 12/16 at 09:33 PM
By Grabthar’s hammer, I shall descend on the court of King Logan at the realm Hungarian, and inquire of him as to his opinion on the state of the world. I have not paid court in some years.
I wonder if they still have those croissants with apricot jam.Posted by on 12/16 at 10:04 PM
JP Stormcrow—It’s possible, and the “retro” part fits. That sucker has a grill on it, too—the main feature I recall besides enormous blind spots, should one ever try to reverse.Posted by on 12/16 at 10:12 PM
We used to call my brother’s Taurus the Ford Tsuris. Look it up in your “Joys of Yiddish.”Posted by Fritinancy on 12/16 at 10:20 PM
dare I say it…
captcha “turn” yeah sure just try turning onePosted by on 12/16 at 10:35 PM
There may be a Snopesian debunking of this, somewhere, but let’s not find it. I need the laugh.
On the despair side, once the Big Three discover hip youth culture, I await the Ford Fail, the Dodge Pwn, and the Chevy LOL.
There should be a Chrysler Tristero, a Pontiac Yoyodyne, or a Cadillac Ubik.Posted by on 12/16 at 11:01 PM
For a more relaxing driving experience, may I suggest a Honda Quaalude? Or a Massage?Posted by on 12/16 at 11:32 PM
The Dodge Avenger and Stealth were both Mitsubishi vehicles rebadged as Dodges. The even weirder PT Cruiser wannabe was almost certainly the Chevy HHR. GM hired the PT designer away from Chrysler, and that was the best he could do as a second effort.
Don’t judge the suckitude of any vehicle based on a rental. Those cars get beat to shit, and they’re never equipped the way you would like. Plus there’s the whole “where in the hell is the turn signal” distress of driving a strange car.
DJ@16—Three words: Outside rearview mirrors. They’re there for a reason. I’m 99.9% certain you don’t have a clue how to adjust them. FWIW, I was just out driving my 5-spd manual Caliber in a feaking Michigan blizzard, and it performed quite admirably.
Have fun with your Fighter Mignons, but realize that the European and Chinese car companies are also going to their governments for bailouts—and getting them! The whole auto bailout plan is being taken down be neo-confederate southern senators, who have sold their souls to foreign car companies. If you don’t think union busting is at the heart of it, you haven’t been paying attention.
. They don’t even have apricot strudel at Tony Packo’s anymore. It’s been years. (sigh)
End of rant.Posted by jazzbumpa on 12/17 at 01:02 AM
1:02 AM? Where in the hell is your server? Greenland? it’s just past midnight, here in the eastern time zone.Posted by jazzbumpa on 12/17 at 01:05 AM
So Dodge comes up with remakes of Chryslers, including its newest nightmare--the remade boxy soccer mom van; while at the same time making the latest generation of police cars. Not that the Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor is really any good, but it is really cheap at fleet prices, whereas Dodge can’t build enough of Police Chargers to keep the price low.
As for names, well you can now drive Tuaregs from Africa, Tribecas from Robert De Niro, TTs from Deutschland, and Traverses from somewhere across over there.Posted by on 12/17 at 02:49 AM
The Avenger was our family rental car during a vacation last summer. Its rear windows are so small that it caused both our kids to get motion sick every time we drove more than 20 minutes. We called it the Pukitron.Posted by J J Cohen on 12/17 at 07:03 AM
It’s not just American cars. I give you the Toyota Deliboy, the Honda Mysterious Utility, and the Mitsubishi Fighter Mignon.
OK, joeff @ 35 made me drive the Chevy LOL first thing in the morning. Thanks for that wonderful article! (Ah, all my internet friends.) I think my personal faves are the Ford Aspire (what, couldn’t they have made it any more status-conscious? Like the Ford Arriviste? The Ford Parvenu?) and, from Japan, the Rickman Space Ranger, which provides yet another nice connection to the Ford Galaxy Quest mentioned by Ignobility (if that is a real name) @ 6.
And I so want to test-drive the Ford Fail. You know what the “limited” edition will be named, right?
jazzbumpa—hey, we’re with you on the bailout. As for judging cars by rentals, I assure you that the only time I do so is when the odometer is under a couple thousand. (My PT Cruiser in Omaha had four miles on it.) And yes, my server is in Greenland, if you really want to know. It’s something of a military secret, but since no one’s reading this far down in the thread, I suppose it’s OK for me to say so. For more details you should ask Marvin Lundy, my site administrator. Check out the material on page 316 is all I’m saying.Posted by on 12/17 at 08:46 AM
Rumor from Detroit is that they are going to rename the odometer the obameter in order to get in the good graces of our new all powerful socialist/muslim leader.
e.Posted by on 12/17 at 08:55 AM
Good idea! In other All-Powerful Socialist-Muslim Leader news, Cindy Sheehan recently wrote,, “I wish I had the 30,000 dollars he spent on a ring for his wife so I could keep my staff working for a little while longer!” I think we all wish we had that $30,000. I would buy my family a new Chrysler Hussein.Posted by on 12/17 at 09:33 AM
Hey, I wish I had the $300,000 Cindy McCain spent on one outfit, and that fact isn’t even made up. I’d pay off my house and buy a Saturn Jihad. Or a Ford L33T or a little fuel-efficient Pontiac Fist-Bump.
It’s both ironic and predictable that the senators representing the kind of folks who mark their ethnicity as ”American” on the Census form are being pwned by foreign car companies, who are getting their own bailouts while killing ours. It’s like conservative ideology is self-defeating or something.Posted by on 12/17 at 11:17 AM
Not to drag this too far OT, but I think a used car from a rental agency is probably in better shape than a used car that has been privately owned. The rental companies change the oil, keep the thing maintained, check tire pressure regularly, etc. since such maintenance is in the company’s financial interest.
Most private owners, especially if the owner is leasing the car, probably do not even change the oil regularly.
I also question the idea that rentals are “driven harder” than privately owned cars. Do people really get behind the wheel of a rental and decide, “Ah ha! It is not my car! I will drive like an idiot! Bwahaha!”Posted by on 12/17 at 12:43 PM
fardels bear intoned @ 45:
Do people really get behind the wheel of a rental and decide, “Ah ha! It is not my car! I will drive like an idiot! Bwahaha!”
Well, yes. Yes they do.
Me, I want to drive a Plymouth Pillow. Or a Dodge Siesta. Something relaxing. Life is so stressful these days! Ford Nap-250.
I had one of those Chevy HHR’s recently as a rental. I did not care for it. Not my cup of tea.Posted by on 12/17 at 04:00 PM
You’re right. Nobody reads this far down the thread. All your secrets are safe with me.
All you nobodies - do change your oil every 5000 miles or so (will vary - follow the owner’s manual instructions.) It’s the best favor you can do for your car - and yourself, if you want it to keep running.
Cheers!Posted by jazzbumpa on 12/17 at 04:09 PM
I certainly don’t read this far down! It will give you a crick in your neck.
However, one final thing must be said: Daihatsu Charade.Posted by on 12/17 at 04:35 PM
My first car was a Renault Alliance. I named it “Vichy” and spent the next couple of years trying to figure out why I couldn’t get a date.
So I guess it could be worse: we could have to bail out the French auto industry.
captcha: earth, as in “not of this”Posted by on 12/17 at 05:02 PM
Oh come on. The Daihatsu Charade is not a real car.
(OK, maybe that was too obvious.)Posted by on 12/17 at 07:02 PM
I’d answer the question
You know what the “limited” edition will be named, right?
with “the Ford Epic Fail,” but I really don’t feel like it. I’m off home in my Mitsubishi Enervate.Posted by Amanda French on 12/17 at 07:59 PM
Dang you! All of you! You’ve got the mythical car pixies dancing in my head!
Mercury Grand Barsoom
Mitsubishi GondolierPosted by on 12/17 at 08:45 PM
OK, how about the Ford LGB, or the convertible model, the LGB-T?Posted by on 12/17 at 09:29 PM
Dangit!!Posted by on 12/17 at 10:20 PM
Not to mention the Fiat Lux and the Saab Story.Posted by on 12/17 at 10:58 PM
joeff, that’s not a Ford, that’s a Subaru. And it’s a wagon.
oooohhh . . . my dad owned a Saab, and that “Saab story” joke is, lemme tell you, as old as the hills.
Otherwise, JP wins as usual.
. . . the Scion Dandy? or Wastrel?
. . . the Geo Logic?Posted by on 12/18 at 01:10 AM
JP is the clear winner. But I have a few more I have to get off my chest. I’m so sorry about this....
Aston Martin Pecadillo
There. I’m spent.Posted by on 12/18 at 01:35 AM
Wow, I didn’t realize DeLillo was so parochial. These Japanese models are not “supranational” if that means they are sold outside of the US. The silly names are invented almost entirely for the American consumer. Elsewhere all these cars have been known for decades as either a Toyota Corona or a Nissan Sunny.Posted by on 12/18 at 01:42 PM
I too think JP Stormcrow is the winner, but thepuppethead’s “Ford Prolapse” is making me giggle hysterically.Posted by Amanda French on 12/18 at 02:00 PM
thepuppethead is the king of this thread!
The Honda Fop is go.
The problem with the Ford Prolapse is that the muffler tends to fall out of the exhaust pipe.
Forget the Citroen Areolette. I envision the Nissan Areola, available in a two-door model.Posted by Orange on 12/18 at 03:39 PM
Y’all forgot the Pontiac Prophylactic, the first car to feature a built-in breathalyzer to prevent drunk driving.
Panasonic.Posted by on 12/19 at 08:03 PM
Dodge Avenger? Can the Ford Hulk or Chevrolet Sub-mariner be far behind? And what of the Pontiac Abomination?Posted by on 12/20 at 05:04 AM
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The rental companies change the oil, keep the thing maintained, check tire pressure regularly, etc. since such maintenance is in the company’s financial interest.Posted by Nissan Frontier Superchager on 08/30 at 12:31 AM
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The cars that you have mentioned, like the Dodge Avenger and the Toyota Cressida have weird names, but it does quiet go well in the market.But personally i suggest honda is better.Posted by boat parts on 03/02 at 02:33 AM
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Wow, I did not realize it was so DeLillo consortium. These Japanese models are not “super” if this means they are sold outside the United States. Silly name was invented almost entirely American consumer. Elsewhere, all these cars have been known for decades, is a Toyota Crown or Nissan Sunny.Posted by Graphic Web Design Perth on 04/05 at 03:00 AM
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