Another extra special guest post
Hello, American Airspace! This is George Will of the Permanent Punditry, here with an important message. You know, these are confusing times. It’s not always clear what to believe—or whom to believe. Every day, for example, we hear alarmist reports from dark green doomsayers, warning us of some kind of catastrophic “climate change,” complete with disappearing ice caps and stranded polar bears. But every day I have a tall glass of cool, refreshing iced tea, and there’s just as much ice in my glass today as there was in 1979, as measured by the University of Illinois’ Cool Refreshing Beverage Research Center.
And every day we see men hugging. When did that start? I don’t know about you, but I watch baseball precisely so that I don’t have to sit through embarrassing spectacles like the one we saw in Congress the other night.
But there’s one thing I do know, and that’s the market. Last month, I pointed to McDonald’s strong fourth-quarter earnings as “a small sign of a big phenomenon”—namely, that “people change their behavior” in tough times. “That’s the market sorting this out,” I said. And that’s why I want to speak to you today about Alpo.
Yes, Alpo. For the real meat lovers in your family, it’s a great source of protein, and unlike the costly prime cuts favored by liberal elites, it stores well, so it can be kept on the shelf until that special occasion arises. And it’s not just for dinner anymore! Between meals or for an after-school snack, your family can also enjoy Alpo Variety Snaps, which come in a variety of tasty natural flavors.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that based on my track record, I must have some undisclosed financial interest in Ralston Purina, a subsidiary of Nestlé. Perhaps you imagine that my wife lobbies for them; perhaps you even suspect that I helped to coach Alpo for its big debate with Pedigree. Well, put your worries to rest. For once, I have no conflicts of interest. I simply believe in my heart, as a conservative, that as Barack Obama plunges this country deeper and deeper into the worst depression since the one caused by FDR, people will have to change their behavior accordingly. And by “people,” of course, I mean “other people.”
So if you’re one of those other people—or if you love someone who is—won’t you try Alpo today? Thank you.
Update: Welcome Red State readers! A friendly reminder to my interlocutors on the right: yes, I know I look and sound like an “intellectual.” That’s my role in the Inner Party. I wear bow ties and I toss around phrases like “sine qua non” and words like “supererogatory” and “interlocutor.” But don’t let that scare you! On the most important issues of the day, I’m squarely with the Stupids, and just to prove it, in my latest column, I double down. On, Palin! On, Jindal! On, Santelli and Plumber!
That “other people” need to simply tighten their belts until the devine invisibles hands of the market simply sorts things out is the standard thinking among these Country Club Conservative elites.
I had the distinct displeasure of hearing Donald Trump’s son on the radio this morning rending his garments and gnashing his teeth about how awful the stimulus bill is, and oh my goodness how much debt we’ll be incurring, and how a quick fix never solves anything, and for the love of god what about the children?
Goddammit, folks just need to Alpo-up until this thing passes.
captch: “radio”. Is this thing a captcha function or the psychic friends network?Posted by on 02/26 at 03:03 PM
Dear George Will,
I can get two cans of Ravioli O’s for the same price as one can of Alpo Prime Cuts!
I, for one, am not going to even consider switching my brand loyalty until Alpo cuts their prices in half, and starts making stuff in the popular O shape. Alpo O’s. I would maybe try those.
Until then, George Will, you and Alpo can go pound sand. Pound sand I say!
I’m sticking with Chef Boyardee.Posted by on 02/26 at 03:20 PM
weother people Alpo-up with the Alpo-Os, then. That way wecan . . .
wait a second. Donald Trump’s son was on the radio? Why? To argue that the repeal of the estate tax is the only workable solution to the crisis?Posted by on 02/26 at 03:30 PM
Donald Trump’s son? Does he know the stimulus bill passed? Or is he and the media under the impression the GOP is still stalling a vote on it?Posted by Bulworth on 02/26 at 03:37 PM
Donald Trump’s son was on the radio? Why?
His sorry ass was on ESPN radio, ostensibly to share his personal experiences with haveing both Derek Jeter and A-Rod living in his father’s buildings. Verdict: Jeter is da bomb, A-Rod sux ass. But he spent most of his time railing against the stimulus bill telling folks to Alpo-up because “we are all equally to blame” for the current situation.
That’s the other Country Club Conservative talking point - we’re all equally to blame. So, suddenly we’re all equal. Who knew? Am I the only one who didn’t get the memo?Posted by on 02/26 at 03:42 PM
So, suddenly we’re all equal.
You, me, Bernie Madoff, “Sir” Allen Stanford, Ken Lewis of Bank of America, Ed Liddy of AIG—We Are All Alpo Now. And it’s a beautiful thing.Posted by on 02/26 at 03:59 PM
And every day we see men hugging. When did that start?
According to Karl Steel (via Facebook—Michael, why aren’t you there yet?): “No later than the 12th century.”Posted by Dr. Virago on 02/26 at 04:02 PM
Alpo? Who can afford name-brand stuff like that? The only way I’m getting Alpo is if my band’s kickin’ version of Walking the Dog gets selected for the ad campaign.Posted by on 02/26 at 04:16 PM
Facebook—Michael, why aren’t you there yet?
Because of this, Dr. V. And Karl’s talking about the 12th century BCE, right?Posted by on 02/26 at 04:18 PM
Announcing the Facebook Group I bet I can find 12 people who want Michael Bérubé to join Facebook or not to join Facebook. Join! Victory is assured.Posted by Chris Clarke on 02/26 at 04:38 PM
There sure is a lot of peer pressure in here today!Posted by on 02/26 at 04:57 PM
Join! Victory is assured.
Wow. That’s the scariest fast-moving self-organizing thing this blog has seen since this scary fast-moving self-organzing thing.
my band’s kickin’ version of Walking the Dog
Hey, if it features a solo by David Sanborn and some extended scat singing, I’ll get my friend George here to talk to his friends at Ralston Purina.Posted by on 02/26 at 04:58 PM
Ooh, this blog is getting almost as good as The Corner!
Thanks for the video. How to compass the cringemakingness of David Sanborn? Are some people just sold out from birth? Or is that too harsh.Posted by on 02/26 at 06:05 PM
Did anybody else follow the Alpo links and discover that it is flavored with animal shit?
Ok. I get it. Dogs are into that sort of thing. I’ve seen ‘em roll in it, then chow down with my own sorry, bifocal-laden eyes.
So— thanks, but no Alpo for me. Ravioli O’s might be crap, but they’re figurative crap.
(gagging)Posted by jazzbumpa on 02/26 at 06:07 PM
Not just any animal shit—lamb shit. Now that’s the good shit.Posted by on 02/26 at 06:40 PM
Ironies of ironies: David Sanborn was having a concert in my elevator a little while ago. And, honestly, it sounded like lamb shit.Posted by on 02/26 at 09:46 PM
who let the dogs out
Will’s supermarket scent hounds
with alpo couponsPosted by on 02/26 at 10:33 PM
David Sanborn was having a concert in my elevator
This is one of those junior-high jokes, right? Like David Sanborn is having a concert . . . in my pants?Posted by on 02/26 at 10:37 PM
Holy crap! There are 28 people in Chris Clarke’s facebook group! 29 if you count me, but that would be silly.
Michael, you better either join or not join facebook PDQ. This could turn into a mob thing.
I mean, OK—true enough, the demographic around here probably doesn’t skew towards bullheaded torch-carrying pitchfork-wielders… but still… the sparks of revolution find tinder (in which to nestle and smolder) in the strangest places…
Like in David Sanborn’s pants, for instance.Posted by on 02/26 at 11:26 PM
David Sanborn was having a concert in my elevator
I thought Muzak was going out of business? But then, like Ali al-Marri, I get most of my news from the Daily Show and the Colbert Report, so discount appropriately.Posted by Nell on 02/26 at 11:53 PM
Post election it seems that Will has lost the ability to rhetorically inspire any passion north of pity. ‘Course the caning laid on by Paul Krugman didn’t help Will’s reputation. His Depression assertions in that setting were no more counterfactual than any randomly sampled Will. Bullshit fatigue?
Captcha: without. What 21st century Americans do.Posted by on 02/27 at 01:00 AM
michael, this piece is the sort of thing for which god invented the letter combination “roflmao!”Posted by skippy on 02/27 at 02:12 AM
Turns out Joe the Plumber was right! Obama *is* a Redistributor. The New York Times told me so.
The combined effect of the two revenue-raising proposals, on top of Mr. Obama’s existing plan to roll back the Bush-era income tax reductions on households with income exceeding $250,000 a year, would be a pronounced move to redistribute wealth by reimposing a larger share of the tax burden on corporations and the most affluent taxpayers.
Or maybe the two “re"s cancel each other out like a double negative. I’m so confused. I guess the last 8 years were simply “distributing” the wealth according to Natural Law.
via a great post at 538,
“BREAKING: Press Corps Incredulous That Obama Budget Reflects Campaign Promises”, on the patheticomedy of the press confronting the budget.
[Reid of CBS]...how can you possibly tax people making people over $250,000 something like $667 billion over the next ten years and not have a downward effect on jobs?
Gibbs: Well, Chip, how did it work in 1994 and 1995 and 1996 and 1997?
Reid: Well, I guess the argument would be, imagine if they didn’t have those taxes… how much better it would have been.
Cue the John Lennon. It would have been an expansion and a pony.Posted by on 02/27 at 04:14 AM
Looks like it’s time for Chip Reid to Alpo-up!
And ye gods, that Facebook thing is out of control. There are now 40 people demanding that I join or not join—by a firm deadline of xx/xx/xxxx. The pressure mounts!Posted by Michael on 02/27 at 08:55 AM
Alpo’s not so bad (wait...lamb shit?) if you have a tall, cool, refreshing beverage with which to wash it down. Hard times are when you’re forced to choose either Alpo or a CRB.
Personally I don’t care whether Michael joins Facebook or doesn’t. Or not.Posted by on 02/27 at 01:16 PM
Alpo-up™Posted by on 02/27 at 02:26 PM
that kind of apathy is “exactly” what Obama was talking about. so take a stand. either you want Michael to join/not join facebook or you don’t.Posted by on 02/27 at 02:28 PM
We Are All Alpo Now
WAAAN!Posted by Lance on 02/27 at 04:25 PM
I wear bow ties and I toss around phrases like “sine qua non” and words like “supererogatory” and “interlocutor.”
That last wouldn’t be Mister Interlocutor of mistrel fame, would it?Posted by on 02/27 at 04:33 PM
If two more people join group (mentioned in 10), it’ll have 57 people, entitling it to the name “Heinz.”
capcha: “size” mattersPosted by on 02/27 at 04:43 PM
Doonsebury several years back had an outstanding storyline about a young Republican’s stint as a summer intern for Geroge Will. It was a thing of beauty.Posted by on 02/27 at 04:45 PM
If Berube joins/doesn’t join Facebook, the terrorists win.Posted by Bulworth on 02/27 at 05:03 PM
This post, and the subsequent comments, is giving me the laughter I’ve needed all day. Thanks.
Personally I don’t care whether Michael joins Facebook or doesn’t. Or not.
Beauty.Posted by Jason B. on 02/27 at 05:16 PM
Maybe it’s all the lamb shit and David Sanborn elevatore bleatings, but I am adamant in my apathy towards Michael’s facebook face off. Or not.
Also, I have foregone bullheaded torch-carrying pitchfork-wieldering, and am now become a
flaming squid hugger.
Captch: Consider. But, I don’t want to think about it.Posted by jazzbumpa on 02/27 at 05:41 PM
Aaah, i see George. You are using your megalomaniacal soplipsism to demand you right to lie to us and makes us hold that what you say is always true. Calmly distorting the actual findings of Science Diet, you are advocating for Alpo, while secretly buying for yourself the Waltham foods and pharmaceuticals. Good aye mate. A fine job!! Keep of those distortions and lies to prove that we all have the right not to have our trustworthiness challenged by any old leftist of the generations.Posted by on 02/27 at 10:36 PM
"Perhaps you imagine that my wife lobbies for them;”
I believe the word you were looking for, George, was “beard.”Posted by Ken Houghton on 02/28 at 04:46 PM
How about “about face”? (No, it’s not about the A-Team guy who starred in Battlestar Galactica--it’s as in, “enough about baseball.")
I’m talking abut autism advocate Ernie Els losing to Stewie Cink (from Family Guy, I think) in that match play thing that nobody cares about because Tiger Who? lost in the 2nd round. Hope you have something planned to celebrate the next Els win (whenever it may come)!Posted by The Constructivist on 02/28 at 06:55 PM
Thanks for the wonderful information- just wondering if anyone else has had any relevant experiences to sharePosted by HGH on 08/31 at 01:03 AM
Next entry: Postscript to extra special guest post