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Venezuela Annexes U.S., Opens Training and Education Camps

Caracas-on-Potomac, DC—Moving to consolidate his recent takeover of the government of the United States, former Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez announced today that the country would be renamed the “United States of Chávez” and that select groups of Chávezian citizens would be invited to participate in “training programs” designed to make them happier and more productive members of the new society.

“Although the transfer of power from your Barack Obama to myself was peaceful, I am aware that there remain pockets of resistance throughout the countryside,” Chávez said through a translator.  “I am therefore declaring a state of emergency, which I believe will be handled effectively by your Federal Emergency Management Agency.  Anyone who has questions about the new regime or about my emergency tax initiative should register with the agency by boarding the nearest FEMA bus in their neighborhood, powered by Citgo, and signing up for my exciting new training program.”

Chávez did not elaborate on the details of the program, but recently-installed Minister for Peace Ernesto “Che” Guevara suggested in a separate interview that every effort would be made to educate and inform the people.  “We have noticed lately that many of your ‘tea-bag’ protestors do not understand the tax code,” Guevara said while posing for a T-shirt portrait.  “For example, they believed that your Obama’s tax cut was in fact a tax increase.  Many of them were unable to explain the difference between income tax and excise tax.  We therefore want to make sure that they fully grasp the ramifications of the new 100 percent tax rate, and that they understand why we have dissolved your so-called ‘stock market.’ Our new slogan, ‘no capital gain, no capital pain,’ should be visible on banners in public locations by the end of the month, beginning with the First National Bank of Chávez.”

Many Caracas-on-Potomac observers were stunned by the speed at which the new Chávez government was moving, noting that his “bloodless coup” had occurred only a few days ago.  “It began with a simple handshake,” said Jake Tapper, formerly of ABC News, now a reporter with the nation’s only newspaper, El Diario La Prensa (USC).  “Before we knew what was happening, Obama was reading Eduardo Galeano’s Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of the Pillage of a Continent.  From there, we understand, it was only a short step to Noam Chomsky’s Year 501: The Conquest Continues, thence to Hegemony or Survival and Failed States.  Apparently, it was when Obama realized that he was leading not only a leading terrorist state but actually a failed state that he agreed to turn the reins over to Chávez.”

In a related development, Department of Homeland Security officials discovered a videotape left by former television commentator Glenn Beck, who was recently detained and held for education.  Though the tape consisted mostly of screams of “I told you so”and “you thought I was crazy, didn’t you, didn’t you,” DHS director Daniel Ortega said that he believed Beck could be “useful” in the future “if his considerable talents could be turned to good purpose.” “The new DHS report on terrorism should be ready within six to eight weeks,” Ortega said in a rambling 50-minute address, “and we hope that when he is fully educated and released, Señor Beck will do his best to help us keep track of homeland terror groups and promote domestic tranquility.”

Red State Strike Force leader Erick Erickson, blogging from a location as yet undetected by the Chávez Bureau of Investigation, urged resistance to the new regime.  “Patriots!  Wolverines!  We finally have a cause worthy of our name,” Erickson wrote. “And just like the Spartans in 300, we will never give up, never surrender.  And to everyone who mocked us for sounding the alarm about Hussein al-Obama, for soiling our armor about that handshake—and also for soiling our armor about that Spanish book, and also about people who speak Spanish, like that Jose Padilla—we were right!!!  Let this tragic episode be a lesson to all you appeaseniks and nanny-state liberals: it begins with dish detergent.  It leads to the gulag.  But it stops with the invincible bloggers of the Strike Force.”

Posted by on 04/22 at 08:29 AM
  1. And on the seventh day, President-for-Eternity Chávez rested, declaring: Sping Break!

    sunsetxg1.gif

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  10:05 AM
  2. Sp"r"ing Break, as well.

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  10:07 AM
  3. There is an open slot in the northeast regional education camp for typographical errors.  Please let me know if you’d like me to refer this thread to Minister Guevara or Director Ortega.

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  10:53 AM
  4. Wait. After the revolution we can’t spell things however we want? Talk about “same as the old boss”!

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  11:35 AM
  5. That’s why that song is the number one conservative rock song ever, dude.  It is an eight-minute stud-rock distillation of Burke’s Reflections.  Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  11:40 AM
  6. Can we look forward to opening cultural studies programs at people’s universities across the land, or is it going to be some kind of boring technocracy?

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  01:49 PM
  7. Can we look forward to opening cultural studies programs at people’s universities across the land, or is it going to be some kind of boring technocracy?

    Well, Colin, if this peach of a person has his* way, it’s going to be the latter for sure. That link is to a blog comment in response to a post on the skyrocketing costs of a college education over the the last 30 years.

    *Somehow I don’t think I’m being overly presumptuous in believing that the commenter is a male.

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  02:20 PM
  8. The first thing to ask about any ideology, Hall insisted, is not what is false about it, but what is true—what about it actively makes sense to people whose beliefs you do not share.

    “Yes, well, never mind.”
    --Hall’s Ghost, 2009, having observed from the astral plane as American right-wing ideologues stage their latest freak-out over a fargin’ handshake.

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  02:36 PM
  9. The Michelle Obama workout tape will make you forget all about your bourgeois liberties. Tone up those triceps, comrades!

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  02:44 PM
  10. OK, mds, two things.  One, Stuart Hall is still alive.  Ailing (dialysis, etc.), but very much alive.  And two, sometimes one is, indeed, compelled to conclude that there are some forms of wingnuttery about which nothing makes sense and nothing is true.  Limited government?  Any civil libertarian can find some sense in that.  Bedwetting over handshakes?  Not so much.

    But, of course, there will be plenty of time to go over all of this in great detail, now that Commandante-in-Chief Chávez has announced—just this afternoon!—that all universities in the USC will teach cultural studies exclusively.  Class!  Open your government-issued copies of Policing the Crisis and turn to page 88.  Sping break is over!

    Captcha:  program, as in get with the.

    Posted by Michael  on  04/22  at  03:53 PM
  11. 6: or is it going to be some kind of boring technocracy?

    Excuse me, we’re not talking about some dour, Slavic technocracy here, this will surely be a zesty, spicy, sharp-dressing and suggestive-dancing technocracy. What’s the point of promoting cultural studies if you aren’t even going to acknowledge well-known results from the field?

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  04:14 PM
  12. sometimes one is… compelled to conclude that there are some forms of wingnuttery about which nothing makes sense and nothing is true
    Apparently Ohio is a breeding ground for those sorts of thought patterns. Will there be a camp put there asap; we can only hope.

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  04:30 PM
  13. DHS director Daniel Ortega said that he believed Beck could be “useful” in the future “if his considerable talents could be turned to good purpose.”

    Now, that’s hyperbole. Comrade Ortega and pals would most likely have a Glenn Beck serve the workers’ paradise as like mormon fertilizer in some highland.....cherry orchard. Indeed the dialectical process unfolds in an either/or of Glenn Beck-ism vs sandinistas, holding out the promise of a mormon-marxist synthesis.

    Posted by Ezra Hound  on  04/22  at  04:38 PM
  14. Class!  Open your government-issued copies of Policing the Crisis and turn to page 88.

    But I can’t read Mexican Muslim!

    And, Professor, two things.  One, I wasn’t attempting to demolish Hall’s thesis with one snarky blow, but merely referring to the accelerating spiral into madness of American conservatism.  Never mind how he “mellowed” in later life, I’m beginning to think that 1964 Goldwater would be starting to back away slowly.

    And two, I can simply access http://www.abevigoda.com to confirm that Mr. Vigoda is still alive.  Which I believe completely explains my embarrasing mistake.  No?  Well, two-and-a-half, his ghost could be watching from the astral plane even if he is still alive.  Sheesh, you cultural theorists need to turn off the TV and pick up some Dr. Strange comics.

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  04:38 PM
  15. Presidente Hugo declared Chomsky dead during one of his earlier book-club moments, so maybe there really is a Barthesean death-of-the-author thing going on, which might or might not explain the cultural turn in Bolivarian socialism announced in #10.  Eduardo G seems to be thriving, though.

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  05:02 PM
  16. Yeah, Jake Tapper and crew are well versed in the art of parroting, I mean truthfully reporting, the government-approved ‘news.’ Their transition will be seamless.

    I fear the transition may not be as seamless for the Beck State Strike Force. Owning up to the error of their ways isn’t really one of their strengths.

    True story: my wife and I traveled to Venezuela many years ago and found out upon arrival in Caracas that civil rights had been suspended that very day. Good times.

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  06:45 PM
  17. During the transition there were rumors that Obama’s first choice for secretary of state was in fact Chavez. He was forced to go with Hillary after a couple of whiners said it would be too hard to get Hugo confirmed.

    I guess this will show them.

    e.

    Posted by  on  04/22  at  10:53 PM
  18. As usual, LSU leads the nation in something. We’ve already got an inmate labor / education program that the Chavezians can use as a model. Talk about your residential colleges camps!

    Having said that, I have to register my disappointment avec la manque de connaissance de toutes traditions de l’intertubes de ce blogue! 17 comments and no one has yet wished to greet their new Chavezian overlords, nor volunteered to be an overseer in their new underground enchilada mines.

    Finally, just to get rid of all my cliches at once, let me say that Hugo really puts the strong into “strongman”! Look at those pecs! Somebody’s been putting in their time doing those incline and decline bench presses!

    Posted by John Protevi  on  04/23  at  01:28 PM
  19. Well, I for one welcome our new Venezuelan overlords.  I’d like to remind them that as a trusted blog commenter, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground oil caves.

    let me say that Hugo really puts the strong into “strongman”! Look at those pecs!

    Um, Chávez is the one in the red tie.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  01:50 PM
  20. Damn you, Protevi! Trying to suck-up to the new Overlord in order to garner yourself a choice cabinet seat, no doubt. Well you’re too late, comrade. Monsieur Chavez already received the fruit basket I sent him last week.

    I hope you break a nail toiling in one of mds’ underground oil caves.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  02:05 PM
  21. Um, Chávez is the one in the red tie.

    Insufficient appreciation of Dear Leader’s barrel chest, comrade mds. You should engage in severe self-criticism!

    Comrade Oaktown Girl: a fruit basket! Why didn’t I think of that? I will have time to reflect on my error as I toil in whichever sort of underground mine I am sent to.

    Posted by John Protevi  on  04/23  at  02:15 PM
  22. Zut, la manque de connaissance de toutes traditions de l’intertubes de ce blogue!  LOLZ.  I threw up a little in my mouth when I realized no one had hailed our new Chávezivan overlords.  (Fixed your typo.) Waiting for more blog comment staples in one . . . two . . .

    Posted by Michael  on  04/23  at  02:17 PM
  23. hehehehe..Oh be nice! I hope Obama starts talking to Chavez more and helps him work out a more sustainable plan than relying on Oil. And of course, there’s that issue with the Venezuelan jewish community.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  02:21 PM
  24. Yes, sorry, too lazy to look up the ascii code for the forward accent thingie on the “a.” Perhaps I’ll be sentenced to work in the underground accent mines they’ll set up!

    I’ve memorized “& eacute ;” though! Comes in handy sur ce blogue!

    Captcha: “term” as in “will this one *ever* end?”

    Posted by John Protevi  on  04/23  at  02:32 PM
  25. "&a acute ;”, but you might want to put off memorizing it until after the term.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  04:04 PM
  26. "& aacute ;” Dang.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  04:07 PM
  27. Oh all right.

    Toda su base popular estan pertenece a nosotros y puedo tiene cheezburguesa, no?

    Captcha efforts: I trust my efforts at building Bolivarian-Hawai’ian socialism will not go unrecognized.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  05:17 PM
  28. Colin, your glorious all-your-base socialist cheezburger will be eaten first!

    Just after leaving the Internets and returning to real life, I realized to my chágrin that my last comment contained not one but two errors.  First, it’s “Chávezian,” not “Chávezivan.” The Chávezivan, of course, will be the new regime’s official vehicle of road trips and free love, as in “she’s gonna love me in Chávezivan and that’s all right with me.” In the spirit of self-criticism, I have submitted my name to the northeast regional education camp referred to in comment 3.

    Second, because I am clearly out of practice, I forgot the trope for awaiting predictable blog comments.  Seeing if anyone spots it in three . . . two . . .

    Captcha:  hundred.  Cliché fail.

    Posted by Michael  on  04/23  at  05:45 PM
  29. This post is silly. It is impossible to determine if Ivan Chávez has taken over the US or not; Obama has so completely internalized the socialist programme that his actions are indistinguishable from what he would do if he were being secretly controlled by the Big Hurricane Enchilada of the Caribbean.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  05:56 PM
  30. Well, I always knew Chavez was secretly a liberal sell-out. Shaking Obama’s hand. Disgusting.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  06:13 PM
  31. Colin, your glorious all-your-base socialist cheezburger will be eaten first!

    And how.  Ia!  Ia!

    Well, I always knew Chavez was secretly a liberal sell-out. Shaking Obama’s hand. Disgusting.

    Hmm. This is an interesting point.  Is the Venezuelan crazy left busy sending one another tweets of outrage over the handshake with a centrist US politician?  Or rumor-mongering about how Chávez’ birth certificate proves he’s not really a rootless cosmopolitan?  Or how he’s a Republican Democrat who doesn’t want to nationalize everything or raise taxes?

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  09:03 PM
  32. And is the Venzuelan right working on plots writing far-fetched satires where the US takes over Venezuela?

    (And so far Socialist hockey sucks!)

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  09:31 PM
  33. Actual resolution to be presented to the RNC:

    RESOLVED, that we the members of the Republican National Committee call on the Democratic Party to be truthful and honest with the American people by acknowledging that they have evolved from a party of tax and spend to a party of tax and nationalize and, therefore, should agree to rename themselves the Democrat Socialist Party.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  09:45 PM
  34. JP: As a colleague mentioned the other day, the best thing would be for the Republicans to self-destruct and the Democrats to split. Then maybe one of the parts could call themselves Democratic Socialists without actual socialists falling over laughing/ crying. 

    mds: I was going for the US left, to be honest. I try to make fun of myself from time to time so i don’t end up writing things like 30. in seriousness, although over all the torturing and excusing torture and bailing out and people being laid off left and right I seem to have lost my sense of humor.

    captcha: “length” as in, this comment has too much of it.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  10:41 PM
  35. Well, I always knew Chavez was secretly a liberal sell-out.

    It’s Lula all over again, dude.

    And so far Socialist hockey sucks!

    Apparently.  My attempt to TiVo the Pens-Flyers game tonight seems to have destroyed not only my TiVo but the entire Fox Sports Pittsburgh channel, which has been blank since 16:51 of the second period.  You know, they told me that socialism meant the end of the Fox network, and they told me that socialism means sharing someone else’s toothbrush.  Turns out they were right.

    And did somebody say Democratic Socialists of America?  I was a member for most of the 1990s, and when I forgot to renew the Illinois membership dropped to eight.  But hell, if the GOP is going to implode and the Dems are going to pull a center-left split, I might just re-up.

    Posted by Michael  on  04/23  at  10:48 PM
  36. It’s Lula all over again, dude.

    Indeed, her cover of “Shout” was promisingly subversive, but by “To Sir, with Love” it was clear that the system had won again.  Despite what Andy Breitbart says, the stars are right.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  11:02 PM
  37. But Michael, why would you watch socialist hockey in the first place? Isn’t it a forgone conclusion that the the team of the Internal Security Collective (a.k.a., the Bruins) always wins? Or would that be communist hockey and in socialist mamby-pamby hockey all games end in a tie so nobody’s feelings are hurt? I’m confused.

    By the way, ironically, the former Democratic Socialists (former PCI) in Italy apparently have now renamed themselves “Democratic Party of Italy”.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  11:03 PM
  38. I seem to have lost my sense of humor.

    christian - I feel ya. I’d like to share something to make you laugh, but all I can find are things of the “laugh to keep from crying” variety. So in that vein, David Rees is almost always top notch.

    And speaking of science (the Rees link above), can someone please tell me if science is going to be “good” or “bad” under the new Overlord. I’ll need to know as soon as possible whether to start sending scientists down into the underground labor camps or not.

    captcha: enough.

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  11:17 PM
  39. which has been blank since 16:51 of the second period

    Yeah it was out real time as well. Apparently lightning struck the FSN building in Atlanta. Maybe God (or Hugo) is just practicing. Was back on for the 3rd ... but don’t bother. (Actually, I found game 3 very entertaining even though the Pens lost, but it is too late in the series now for “entertainment”.)

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  11:17 PM
  40. God (or Hugo)

    What is that “or” doing there, comrade?? Might you need some reeducation yourself?

    Posted by  on  04/23  at  11:22 PM
  41. United We Stand Corrected!

    (We can haz oil spigots turned to 11 now?)

    Posted by  on  04/24  at  12:29 AM
  42. The inquiring mindless wants to know: will there be properly run show trials, giant fireballs, and serious partying under these overlords and lordesses (because it would seem that feministas are appropriate to this new order)????

    snarky bait throwing: christian mentioned the Bruins in #37.

    Posted by  on  04/24  at  04:47 AM
  43. According to reports from blogland’s fave philosophaster, Christopher Hitchens (via Professor Sean Penn), Chávez IS a social democrat, and xtian to boot. Regardless, Hugo looks pretty comfy in camouflauge, as did his amigo Fidel.  When BO dons one of those Commandante Fidel caps on, tho’, reach for yr cliffsnotes to Heildegger......

    Posted by Ezra Hound  on  04/24  at  10:41 AM
  44. Ezra, Hitchens is correct on that one - Chavez is a mix of social democrat and petro populist, certainly no revolutionary socialist. And yes, he’s quite catholic.

    Posted by  on  04/24  at  11:04 AM
  45. Chavez is a mix of social democrat and petro populist, certainly no revolutionary socialist. And yes, he’s quite catholic.

    Leaving plenty of room for bob mcmanus to deride his “conventional liberal complacency.”

    Posted by  on  04/24  at  12:04 PM
  46. “she’s gonna love me in Chávezivan and that’s all right with me.”

    LOL!  Maybe we need an ABFF:  “Worst song of all time extolling sex in vehicles.”

    Posted by  on  04/24  at  12:39 PM
  47. Can you say anti-Chávezivan reeducation??

    He could have a damaging effect on a state that is only now emerging from the 19th entury. Besides, he or his wife might run for office. If Dick Cheney were to elected governor, a huge wall would be built around the state, and all Wyomingites with liberal leanings would be thrown into re-education camps where Lynne Cheney would torture us by reading her super-patriotic children’s books over and over and over again. Can you say “Ronald Reagan Is God?” I thought you could.

    Posted by  on  04/26  at  05:03 AM
  48. See Ameristan from your Chávezivan!

    Posted by  on  04/27  at  04:30 PM
  49. I can see that Obama government is doing great, I’m impressed to what Obama government showing and it’s public service; hopefully he will make USA more progressive and productive for its people.

    Posted by premium wordpress templates  on  07/18  at  03:43 AM
  50. Excuse me, we’re not talking about some dour, Slavic technocracy here, this can surely be a zesty, spicy, sharp-dressing and suggestive-dancing technocracy. What’s the point of selling cultural research if you happen to aren’t even going to acknowledge nicely-identified outcomes from the sector?

    Posted by  on  12/17  at  02:24 AM
  51. It’s so sad to read this now and look at the photos as Hugo Chavez is dead… :( All we can do is to wear a Chavez t-shirt, I guess…

    Posted by Chavez t-shirts  on  04/03  at  07:35 AM
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