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Equilateral triangulation

I’m glad to see that President Obama has taken this blog’s advice, and will use tonight’s State of the Union address to begin walking back his controversial and polarizing arranged-gay-marriage, full-employment, single-payer, DOJ-stacking, Cheney-prosecuting, war-ending, cramdown-enforcing, bank-nationalizing, gun-confiscating agenda.  But I don’t see why liberal bloggers are flipping out about this.

Look, people, the proposed “budget freeze” is not a “freeze.” It’s more of a “chilly wind” or a simple “breeze,” like a “fudget breeze.” It’s not as if Obama gave us all a pony, and then there came a killing frost.  The “fudget breeze” will not affect most of your favorite federal programs, such as defense, Medicare, foreign aid, Homeland Security, weapons development, Medicaid, the Pentagon, fruitbat subsidies, Social Security, stuff having to do with veterans’ services, and the Department of Blowing Shit Up.  Furthermore, there’s no real chance that Obama will be able to clamp down on agribusiness supports, and the White House is saying that education won’t take much of a hit either.  So let’s not worry too much about reallocations within the remaining 2.8 percent of the federal budget, OK?  It may turn out that the only thing affected by the fudget breeze is that infamous $3 million overhead projector, originally earmarked for one of Obama’s cronies on the South Side of Chicago.

Instead, let’s try to come up with some constructive criticism.  To that end, I have three suggestions for tonight’s STFU SOTU that will, I think, (a) enhance Obama’s savvy political appeal to Cokie Roberts, Congressional Republicans, and David Broder, (b) piss off liberals, and (c) not do any real damage anyway, except perhaps insofar as they adopt conservative talking points and further delegitimate the project of social democracy:

School Uniforms.  School uniforms are not only an important device for preserving civility and order in our schools; they also saved Bill Clinton’s presidency and elevated Dick Morris to the ranks of the Most Brilliant Presidential Advisors Ever.  By promoting school uniforms in his very first State of the Union address, President Obama can convey a sense of urgency and gravitas on one of the issues voters care most about; but by secretly promoting school uniforms that are actually tear-aways, he can simultaneously let progressives know that he remains committed to our agenda of letting unruly adolescents do whatever the hell they want.

Enterprise Zones. America’s inner cities are shackled by excessive regulation.  To unleash economic growth and create jobs, President Obama needs to expand tax breaks for businesses and cut back on pesky planning regulations while allowing America’s entrepreneurs to offer new employees a “training wage” that will be exempt from America’s notoriously burdensome “minimum wage” legislation.  On the sly, however, Michelle Obama will continue to serve free food to the urban poor owners of color televisions and cellular telephones, so don’t worry, it’s all good.

Compromise on Abortion.  To win back the critical William Saletan/ Amy Sullivan vote, President Obama needs to assure the American people that he thinks abortion is very, very icky.  Clinton’s famous mantra—that abortion should be “safe, legal, and rare”—remains a winning formula, although Obama may need to find a new way to frame the profound ickiness of abortion, and the even more profound ickiness of women who purchase health insurance that covers abortion, while secretly recommitting himself to the “have one, get one free” policy that has long been the cornerstone of the liberal social agenda.

It will be a delicate balancing act: Obama will need to accept the Beltway verdict on the recent election of Senate Majority Leader Brown and pander to some of conservatives’ social-agenda obsessions while his advisors use cryptic hand gestures to signal to liberals that he’s not really accepting the Beltway verdict on the recent election of Senate Majority Leader Brown and pandering to some of conservatives’ social-agenda obsessions.  Can he pull it off?  This sanguine blog has not yet given up hope:  yes he can.

Posted by on 01/27 at 08:31 AM
  1. If you ever again make me think about “Wildfire” before I’ve finished my morning coffee, I will trap you in a mine what had caved in with Joe and Tim.

    Posted by Gil  on  01/27  at  10:12 AM
  2. The whole entire reason I voted for Obama and not Hillary was that I hated the Clinton DLC 50%+1 strategy ("let’s find the least-informed, most apathetic likely voter in the entire country, the person that is right at the exact center of the electorate, a veritable Lebanon, Kansas of a human being, and then we’ll build our ENTIRE POLITICAL PROGRAM around getting that person’s vote").  I thought we were getting someone who was fired up and ready to go.  Instead for policy we got Mr. Let Congress Do Health Care with his advisors Dr. Give It Up For Wall Street and Prof. Torture Away.  And since that’s not working out so well, for politics we’re headed back to V-Chips and imaginary tax relief. 

    Captcha:  day, as in, It’s a great day in Lebanon, Kansas.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  10:42 AM
  3. Two additional ideas:

    DOMA 2—prohibits sexual relations and marriage between same-sex corporations, between a corporation and a politician, or between a corporation and any other non-human animal.

    iBiden, iRahm—an iPhone app where you can pick whether to listen to the latest swearing binge of Rahm Emmanuel or rambling of the vice president.

    Posted by Sherman Dorn  on  01/27  at  10:54 AM
  4. Obama ran against the Clintons and the last “15 years” during the primary, which is why I voted for him. But it was smart of him to ask Hillary to join the team.

    They’ll pass health care in a month unless Stupak and the “pro-lifers” kill it, which would be ironic since the legislation would save a lot of lives.

    I expect Obama to be feisty tonight with at least one irrational outburst from a Republican Congressman, probably from the South.

    That “perfect snowball of Conservative-baiting” Avatar just passed Titanic as the highest-grossing film ever. So keep the faith nutsroots!

    Posted by Peter K.  on  01/27  at  12:03 PM
  5. I think we should start a pool—or better yet, a drinking game—based on what disruptive, disrespectful, or just downright silly behaviors we predict the Repubs will use during the STFU address.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  12:37 PM
  6. OK, but what about a bridge to the 22nd Century?

    Posted by Bulworth  on  01/27  at  12:52 PM
  7. I really think Obama needs to jump on the making divorce illegal bandwagon as a defense of hetro-sexual marriage and family values. Also adultery should be punished in the biblical sense. Cut off the offending appendage.

    Hopefully that will appease the right and also send a little wink wink to Islamist Fundamentalists that we pretty much agree with them on some of these issues.

    Healthcare. Lets limit the bill to covering pre-existing conditions at whatever price the insurance companies want to charge and push health care automation. That should get through without much trouble.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  01:14 PM
  8. Brilliant.  Great work.

    Posted by jason  on  01/27  at  01:17 PM
  9. What Bloix said—except that I can’t believe I forgot about V-chips!  Those are the things we install in our TVs so that extraterrestrial “Visitors” can monitor the viewing habits of our children, right?

    And I voted for Obama not only because I hated the Clinton DLC 50%+1 strategy but also because I didn’t want the person who hired Mark Penn and Dick Morris to be in charge of appointing people to the executive branch.  I got myself a frosty tall-boy of Lesser Evilism on that one, and meanwhile, Secretary of State Clinton has quietly undone one of the very stupidest “security” measures of the Bush Administration, the ban that protected the homeland from scary scholars Tariq Ramadan and Adam Habib.  (Habib just wrote a lovely and gracious letter to the AAUP thanking us for our support and our legal staff’s work in getting the ban lifted.  One of the few bright spots of the past month in my world.)

    Posted by Michael  on  01/27  at  01:35 PM
  10. This fudget breeze better not take one thin dime from planned exponential defense spending increases.

    Change we can almost Change? What change? Who said anything about change?

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  02:03 PM
  11. Oh I almost forgot. We also need the concealed handgun/job creation act. This would put thousands of Americans back to work manufacturing small handguns so every American can have a hidden firearm at all times. This of course will have the added benefit of reducing crime by oh probably 85-90%.

    captcha “french” Ha the french couldn’t possibly pull this off.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  02:57 PM
  12. I find Mr. Tarabour’s comment fascinating and can direct you to some first-rate research on how guns reduce crime.

    Posted by Mary Rosh  on  01/27  at  03:05 PM
  13. Posted by  on  01/27  at  03:09 PM
  14. Bloix is being too hard on Bill Clinton and too easy on Obama with the “back to V-chips” thing.  Look at the respective political environments they had to deal with.  Clinton had actual reasons why he might have thought it was a good idea to try to scrape by with the middle.

    I voted for Obama because he was the lesser evil.  He has firmly succeeded in that role.  As for the rest, I predicted that everything would hinge on what happened when Obama realized that his preferred style of politics wasn’t going to work.  I thought that there was a good chance that he wanted to win enough so that he’d be capable of going to actual partisan leadership.  But sadly, it looks like he’s just a loser, a failed President who also failed everyone who worked for or trusted in him.

    Posted by Rich Puchalsky  on  01/27  at  04:33 PM
  15. Can he pull it off?  This sanguine blog has not yet given up hope:  yes he can.

    And then he’ll go right to a party at Sally Quinn’s place and it will all be good.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  06:18 PM
  16. I would like to see something said about all these poor people running around like animals reproducing to get more food.  That just has to stop.  And while he is at it, perhaps he can just make all the poor animals safer from the poor people; dining on cats and dogs is fine dining.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  06:59 PM
  17. I wrote comment 15 in complete innocence of today’s Sally Quinn masterpiece ("Administrations should befriend the locals—they’ll need them in hard times"*) in the WaPo. Honest.

    Do read it, if only for the worst Avatar analogy evah.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  08:18 PM
  18. Spyder, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  “Poor people running around like animals reproducing to get more food?” Please.  Anyone who actually made a remark like that would surely be banished from serious public discourse—after issuing an abject apology, at that.

    Next you’re going to tell me that conservative “gotcha” punks are going to try to bug Mary Landrieu’s office.  Give it up, my friend.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  09:30 PM
  19. I suggest uniforms for congress. What an excellent way to encourage bipartisanship.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  11:22 PM
  20. That Sally Quinn column is the most amazing thing I have ever read. There are no words. It surpasses the Clinton impeachment column by infinity orders of magnitude.

    Maybe uniformed Congressmen should serve the hors d’oeuvres at Georgetown parties.

    Posted by  on  01/27  at  11:55 PM
  21. If the other endorsements haven’t convinced you to do so yet, walk, don’t run (or what ever the interweb equivalent of “walk” and “run” are) to that Sally Quinn column.  Now. 

    Wow. Just....wow.

    Posted by Ben Alpers  on  01/28  at  01:23 AM
  22. It’s a shame this guy crawled out from under a rock too late for Obama to have him seated prominently in the VIP section for the STFU address. That would have really garnered big points with the GOP while still giving a secret nod to the Lefties, all of whom are notoriously huge hoop fans.

    Posted by  on  01/28  at  03:01 AM
  23. Update: KSK reports “that guy” I mentioned above has some pre-Super Bowl advice for New Orleans as well.

    JP - I couldn’t make it through your Sally Quinn link. I’m still too traumatized from Dowd’s paean to Scott Brown. Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have health insurance. It keeps me from caving in to the temptation to gouge my own eyes out.

    Posted by  on  01/28  at  04:48 AM
  24. O-Girl, what is it with these lousy parodies?  Nobody would ever really jeer at Haitians and tell them to use condoms.  Everyone knows condoms don’t prevent earthquakes, especially the Vatican-approved kind with the tiny holes in them.

    Posted by Michael  on  01/28  at  12:11 PM
  25. Fudget breeze

    Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
    While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
    Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
    Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze.
    That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.

    Posted by  on  01/29  at  01:58 PM
  26. #19 has the solution. Uniforms for Congress but get this ... made by Haitian. win, win, win, all over the place.

    Posted by  on  01/30  at  09:24 PM
  27. Problely this course will have the added benefit of reducing crime.

    Posted by black luggage bag  on  09/10  at  03:51 AM
  28. This is a pretty funny set of comments. I’m glad I visited.

    Posted by Tony  on  12/03  at  05:38 PM

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