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Skeptics gather for scientific conference

Washington, DC, Aug. 4, 2030 – Scientists and political analysts converged today for the First Annual Heartland Institute Conference on the Evolution of the Gulf of Mexico.  Building on the Heartland Institute’s groundbreaking work on climate change, the conference aims to challenge the widespread belief that recent changes in the ecosystem of the Gulf are “manmade” in origin.

“Mass extinctions are a fact of life in the natural world,” noted Heartland Institute president Joseph L. Bast.  “Indeed, the emergence of human life on Earth would not have been possible without them.  Similarly, complex chemicals are the foundation of all life, nature’s own building blocks.  Understanding the evolution of the Gulf of Mexico, we believe, will go a long way toward combating the spread of the AGW (Anthropogenic Gulf Waste) hoax among scientists and policymakers.”

President Cuccinelli videotaped a welcome message to open the conference, praising conferees for their “courage” in the face of “harassment and intimidation.” “Don’t be afraid of the label ‘Gulf skeptics,’” Cuccinelli advised the group.  “Skeptics are the winners of every scientific debate, always, everywhere. Because skepticism, as T.H. Huxley said, is the highest calling of a true scientist.”

George Will, the first day’s keynote speaker, noted that if the United States were to proceed with long-delayed plans to repopulate the Gulf with marine life, it would cause “more preventable death and suffering than was caused in the last century by Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Obama, Pelosi, and Pol Pot combined.”

Bast seconded Will’s remarks, adding, “It takes more than four Norwegian socialists to win a Pulitzer Prize, so I’ll put George Will’s Pulitzer Prize and his Bradley Prize up against Al Gore’s Nobel any day.”

The issue of Gulf evolution has sharply divided Congress in recent months, as Democrats and Republicans continue to spar over the likely causes of Gulf evolution.  “I don’t want to sound alarmist, but I do think it’s possible that the long-term toxicity levels in the Gulf of Mexico may have something to do with the events of 2010,” said Senate Tiny Minority Leader Jack Reed (D.-RI), chair and only member of the Congressional Progressive Caucus.  “It seems plausible enough to warrant further scientific investigation.”

But Speaker of the House Bristol Palin (R.-AK) disputed Reed’s claim, pointing out that the “oil eruption in the Gulf” is part of a “natural geological process.” “I refudiate the irresponsible claim that we brought this on ourselves,” said Palin via iMind transmission. “We don’t go around blaming people every time a volcano erupts, and volcanoes are far more destructive than anything that happens underwater.”

Amity Shlaes of the nonpartisan Institute for Advanced Equivocation sought a “middle ground” between the sparring parties, acknowledging that while it is necessary to avoid the “regulatory zeal” that might damage the sputtering American economy, it is nevertheless possible that the Obama Administration had some role in the events of 2010.  “It now looks as if Obama deserves at least some of the blame,” said Shlaes during a breakout session at the Heartland conference.  “The East Anglia JournoList emails are pretty damning.  It appears to me that investigative reporter Ben Shapiro has uncovered an active conspiracy among liberal journalists to deflect attention away from Barack Obama at the very outset of the crisis, which turned out not to be a crisis after all, despite liberal hysteria.”

John Stossel took a different approach in his blistering closing speech to the Heartland Institute conference.  “A small group of elite scientists have been trying to control public discourse for decades,” he said to thunderous applause, “and it’s time for the people to reclaim their freedoms.  The same experts who told us that ‘evolution’ is not just a theory now refuse to accept the very notion that the ecosystem of the Gulf of Mexico can evolve.  The explanation?  Liberal hypocrisy, once again, liberal hypocrisy across the board.”

The Heartland Institute has announced that next year’s conference will be held in New New Orleans.

Posted by on 08/04 at 09:03 AM
  1. President Cuccinelli

    Hmm ... No, I think he’d be better as Attorney General or Education Secretary.  Or High Inquisitor, since under this scenario we’ll officially have one by then.

    Speaker of the House Bristol Palin (R.-AK)

    Longtime readers of my comments here know that I can be unreasonably optimistic about human nature, but I have a faint glimmer of hope that by 2030, Bristol Palin might not be (R.-AK).  Especially if she’s still “Palin.”

    Also, this crowd’s base will never accept evolution, even as a Refudiation Stick for industrial disasters.  If my father’s climate change reasoning is still any indication, it will be all about “the tilt of the earth’s axis as changed by earthquakes.”

    Posted by  on  08/04  at  11:33 AM
  2. Fine, go ahead, misunderestimate Cuccinelli if you want to.  But after the second divorce (following her four-day whirlwind Las Vegas marriage to Kevin Jonas), Bristol Palin will still be Bristol Palin.

    Posted by  on  08/04  at  11:41 AM
  3. At the risk, nay certainty, of appearing like a broken record, you, sir, are a master.  Two top quality outpourings in only two weeks - can this winning streak continue?  I particularly appreciated the subtle passing mention of global warming with New New Orleans.

    In spite of this praise, I fear that you have missed your true calling as a writer for that scurrilous, liberal rag, the Onion.  However, it may yet not be too late to affect a career change ...

    Posted by Andrew Yool  on  08/04  at  12:58 PM
  4. Seriously, Andrew, the quotes in paragraphs three through five are nearly verbatim.  The material writes itself—all I do is cut, paste, and post.

    Posted by Michael  on  08/04  at  02:11 PM
  5. The material writes itself—all I do is cut, paste, and post.

    From “How to Snark Good” by Michael O’Bérubé.

    Posted by  on  08/04  at  03:57 PM
  6. Secretary of the Interior Angle said today that the problem with the Gulf is:  “We have become a country entrenched in idolatry, and that idolatry is the dependency upon our government. We’re supposed to depend upon God for our protection and our provision and for our daily bread, not . . . our government.” She went on to say that only through encouraging God’s efforts at evolution in the gulf would we be able to receive his blessings in the free flowing of crude oil coming ashore each and every day.

    Posted by  on  08/04  at  04:22 PM
  7. Minister of Truth, Marc A. Thiessen was unavailable for comment as he was busy waterboarding a pelican. “Bill can hold more than your belican this, birdie!!”

    Posted by  on  08/04  at  05:46 PM
  8. We have become a country entrenched in idolatry, and that idolatry is the dependency upon our government.

    Posted by Caldwell  on  08/05  at  03:34 AM
  9. What is this “Heartland” crap?

    Call it the Pappyland Institute for Divine Intervention.

    Hoo Rah!

    Posted by  on  08/05  at  11:32 AM
  10. What’s this Google wave that everyone’s talking about? Does it signify an increase in global climate chaos? Or is it the first ‘wave’ of the technorenaissance that’s going to free us of heat and bring back the crude, oil, that is.

    Posted by Bill Benzon  on  08/05  at  02:22 PM
  11. And now we have a new sprezzatura appearing for the Secretary of Energy Breitbart, complete with his own fan club. I believe Sir Bérubé mentioned something about it above: “The material writes itself” Well in this case photoshopped itself.  The captcha is “girl” for all the gal pals of the sockpuppet.

    Posted by  on  08/05  at  04:09 PM
  12. That’s so interesting to know something new and your article is really informative.

    Posted by essay writers  on  08/05  at  04:13 PM
  13. essay writers, I’ve been a fan of yours for so long—your praise means everything to me.

    Posted by Michael  on  08/05  at  10:08 PM
  14. Yes, and this matter of conservation of mass. There’s a tyranny of unquestioning belief for you. Such an absurd proposition. Can’t we all see that when oil degrades, it is gone?

    When things disperse, do they not also disappear? When they evaporate into the air or are burned off, don’t they cease to exist?

    It’s high time to rethink our understanding of the physical world.

    Posted by  on  08/05  at  10:19 PM
  15. When things disperse, do they not also disappear? When they evaporate into the air or are burned off, don’t they cease to exist?

    I wondered why sales of Dawn dishwashing liquid had plummeted amongst right-wingers.  Now I realize it’s because they don’t see the point of it.

    But after the second divorce (following her four-day whirlwind Las Vegas marriage to Kevin Jonas), Bristol Palin will still be Bristol Palin.

    Divorce?  Bah.  ‘Tis a grievous sin.  Just ask American Pope Huckabee, who in 2030 will still be shackled to his wife in the bonds of covenant marriage.  No public champion of fundamentalist christianist “family values” would be able to have a personal life as sleazy as you suggest.

    Other than that, though, what essay writers said.  All of them.

    Posted by  on  08/06  at  09:42 AM
  16. I wondered why sales of Dawn dishwashing liquid had plummeted amongst right-wingers.

    Could also be that JOY invokes the magical wonder of deities? 

    My own poor math skillz, spawned as they were in public skooling, suggest that 26% of 200 million gallons means that 55 million gallons are still floating around somewhere in the ethers.

    Posted by  on  08/06  at  04:41 PM
  17. 55 million gallons is a gross exaggeration, spyder.  How do you expect the left to retain any credibility when it does fuzzy math like that?

    And the “conservation of mass”—isn’t that Bill Donohue’s bailiwick?

    Posted by Michael  on  08/06  at  04:48 PM
  18. How do you expect the left to retain any credibility

    Because they are invisible gallons.

    Posted by  on  08/07  at  12:58 AM

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