Affleck: dump and change. Neely: your line up.
Another four-goal game last night, kicked off by what has been my signal contribution to my Summer League team, the goal that gives us a two-goal lead (on a 2-on-1, with a perfect pass from my center, Pennsylvania State Trooper and serious hockey guy Craig Polen). For those of you keeping track at home, that’s 16 goals and 9 assists in seven games (I missed the first three while I was on vacation). The championship game is Thursday night, and we’re expecting to play in it, being 9-1 and all.
This is not a trivial or merely personal matter. With each four-goal game I become that much more qualified to serve as an informal advisor to the Kerry campaign on matters related to hockey, like health care, taxation, NATO, education, disability law, Iraq, and keeping guys out of the crease. And passing along a suggestion recently sent my way by fine writer and occasional Altercationist Charles Pierce, I think the Kerry campaign should tap former Boston Bruin great and Kerry buddy Cam Neely as the campaign’s official enforcer. Click the link and check out those career stats-- more career goals than assists, a man after my own heart, and some serious penalty minutes, befitting a talented player who wasn’t above the task of defending himself.
Now the question is: how to get Ben Affleck off the tour bus. Seriously, Kerry’s most likely got the Gigli/Daredevil/Chasing Amy vote sewn up already, and that terrible “laff” line in the stump speech (about how Kerry’s got something in common with Affleck because Ben was one of People magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People and Kerry reads People, ha ha ha), far from being ingratiating and casually self-deprecating, is actually so annoying that it leads 30 percent of swing voters to consider voting for the guy who says things like “tribal sovereignty means that your sovereign entity is sovereignly sovereign in a sovereign kind of way.” Trust me-- I’ve done independent research on this. Affleck is a drag on the ticket. With Neely you take Ohio.
Sit Affleck. Play Neely. It’s the right thing to do.
UPDATE: Jim Rassmann steps up in defense of his teammate-- and Eric Alterman rightly benches McCain for the rest of the game. (Registration required for the Rassmann op-ed. And whaddya know, it ran in The Wall Street Journal. How about that.)
But he guarantees the half-dozen or so college age girls that actually vote.Posted by thehim on 08/09 at 06:05 PM
Who, Ben? Or Cam? They’re both really dreamy-- and just in case Alan Keyes is reading this blog, I mean that in a completely homosocial-and-not-homosexual-at-all way.Posted by on 08/09 at 06:53 PM
Besides, Neely will score the odd goal for you. Affleck is likely to give up the puck in his own slot (Gigli).Posted by on 08/10 at 06:44 AM
Enforcers are needed in this campaign, certainly. Can we then unleash Neely on Bill O’Reilly? We could’ve brought him off the bench to bail out Krugman on the Tim Russert show the other day.
Or, changing sports, what about Charles Barkley?Posted by on 08/10 at 07:53 AM
Oh, don’t worry about old Ben. He’s just part of the polymorphous, homo-hugging, New Sodom crowd from the film industry that has hung itself from Kerry’s neck. The rabid throng is so busy howling about Michael Moore that it doesn’t have time for someone who a) groped Jen’s booty and b) advanced US and Haliburton formula film propaganda as an oil driller who saved the planet in the face of an obliterating menace from without.Posted by on 08/10 at 08:18 AM
I knew there was another reason not to like Armageddon! Thanks!Posted by on 08/10 at 08:32 AM
I think it’s the Repugnantans who have been utilizing the “enforcer” political philosophy over the last several years. They practically seem to breed contemptible politicians down in the juniors and churn them out at every election, and bigoted pundits with every passing day. It greatly saddens me that the Democrats must “stoop” to that level of fairness, and degrade ourselves, to soil ourselves by emerging our politicians and pundits in that same slimy filth that is the Repugnantans atmosphere. However, i concede it must be done. Carville comes close to fulfilling the role of political enforcer, but as a party, the Democrats are still quite new to that game. Carville needs some help. Pelosi (god bless her!) tries her hardest to drop the gloves, but she seems to be on the same fighting level as Matthew Barnaby: always willing to step into the fight, but usually suffers for it. While i’m not willing, yet, to suggest hiring someone like Bertuzzi, who will sneak up behind you and deliver a cheap shot when your not looking, i do think the Democrats need someone who can stand toe-to-toe and deliver a knockout punch. Might i suggest Scott Parker or Peter Worrell. (And NO! I’m not suggesting we turn this job over the underachieving Colorado Avalanche!) Heavy weights, such as these guys, will enable an army of work-horse players like Iginla, Stevens, and Yzerman to really go on the offensive. Then the stars of the party, like Obama, Clinton(s), and yes! even Kerry! can skate freely and score the winning goal.
I like this political hockey analogy! It’s got me thinking about an all-star team!Posted by on 08/11 at 07:40 AM