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Breaking news

Janet and I just got back from Philadelphia, City of Bloggerly Love, where we saw Prince play the best show ever played by anyone.  Curious-- the two Big Things I saw this summer were Prince at the Wachovia Center and Elvis Costello at Lincoln Center.  Talk about a study in contrasts.  But more on that later.  And no, I haven’t forgotten my promise to file a report on Thomas Frank’s What’s the Matter with Kansas? It looks like I’m going to have to break that report into parts, but we’ll see.

Anyway, that’s not the breaking news.  The breaking news is that we’re packing up and driving Nick to college, woo woo.  I’ll be back in a week, at which point I’ll call the official press conference, but in the meantime I wanted to announce to all my faithful readers the big news:  in order to pay Nick’s tuition, I have agreed to accept the position of Director of Homeland Security.

Like I say, it’s not official yet, so don’t go talking to the media.  But entre nous, I’d be really grateful if you could suggest (a) new colors for terror alerts and (b) names of Democrats who should be put on the no-fly list.  Thanks much, and I’ll be back soon.

Posted by on 08/24 at 08:17 AM
  1. Congratulations! I would like to recommend Zell Miller. 

    Posted by Sadly, No!  on  08/24  at  09:38 AM
  2. Ha!  Hope you like living on ramen.

    I’m thinking of running for PA Governor myself.  My kids get to go to state schools, right?  I better start saving up.

    There’s streamlining opportunities in (a), like maybe integrating the terror alert colors and a racial profiling system.  Martha’s got to be doing community service.  Get her on the case. 

    Posted by Jason  on  08/24  at  09:55 AM
  3. Would I put Zell on the list?  Sadly, no!  I’m asking for real Democrats-- you know, the kind that hate America!

    Posted by  on  08/24  at  10:23 AM
  4. Shoot, and I was all ready to accept the directorship.  I guess they found out I had a library card.  Dang.

    Posted by  on  08/24  at  10:52 AM
  5. I suggest a range of colors between, say, Eggshell and Taupe. It would be a smooth gradient blend--so you never have to commit to a poorly-defined, uncomfortable color! 

    Posted by Kurt  on  08/24  at  11:17 AM
  6. I’m a real Democrat and please, I’d like to be on the list and NEVER FLY AGAIN, EVER EVER.

    Thank you. 

    No colors, please.  Audio. Varied gradations of a loud scream. Or a laugh would do just as well.

    Posted by  on  08/24  at  12:45 PM
  7. I vote for audio.  Instead of Red Alert, couldn’t they play GWB singing “American is Safer Now”?  Oh, wait…

    Posted by ztp  on  08/24  at  01:28 PM
  8. All right, then, audio it is!  But we’ll take our cues from Yellow Submarine, thus demonstrating our commitment to a stronger America by strategically deploying animated LSD-flavored hallucinations.  When there’s an alert, you’ll hear the piercing wail of that spherical Blue Meanie clown with a siren for a head, and when we need “laughter,” we’ll go with the menacing mechanical bellow of the Glove.

    This is going to be so much fun.  All you need is fear, fear-- fear is all you need!

    Posted by  on  08/24  at  01:53 PM
  9. Yes, congratulations, Michael, although with a soupcon of disappointment, since I’ve been seeing you for that brand new position of Czar of All Intelligence Communities Everywhere.

    As for those travel watch lists - I’m not sure Joe Lieberman ought to be flying to Israel these days, for reasons too numerous to cite here. (I’m assuming having accepted the position, you won’t let yourself become hobbled by constitutional nicities.) I’d also nominate for some close watching, Jamie Rubin, late of the State Depart and current Kerry advisor, except he has such a terrific wife.

    Color-coded alerts - I’d love to see something more tone on tone. Your audio suggestions I can’t improve on, as for visual icons, isn’t there a role to be played somewhere in here by The Muppets?

    Posted by Leah A  on  08/24  at  08:45 PM
  10. Leah,
    The Muppets are Democrats and would be inappropriate for patriotic messages of fear.  What about those Christian vegetable characters?

    Posted by ztp  on  08/25  at  05:43 AM
  11. They’ve already put my favorite Georgia Dem, John Lewis, on the list, but if we follow the logic that classifies Lewis as a threat, there’s no question that Kucinich should be on the list.

    Department of Peace?  He must be dangerous.

    Posted by chuck  on  08/25  at  06:02 AM
  12. Janet and I just got back from Philadelphia, City of Bloggerly Love, where we saw Prince play the best show ever played by anyone.

    That’s impossible. I saw him play the best show ever played by anyone last month, at Madison Square Garden. So nyah.

    Posted by  on  08/25  at  11:34 AM
  13. I live and go to school in Philly. Once, in class, a student mentioned the “City of Brotherly Love” designation. Someone pointed out that the new slogan was “The City That Loves You Back.” A third student muttered loudly that, properly speaking, it ought to be “The City That Sells You Crack.”

    All intellectual discussion was derailed for several minutes while we recovered.
    ---
    For a terrorist alert color, how about Unripe Peach? They are firm. So firm!

    Posted by  on  08/25  at  06:18 PM
  14. Going off of the peach idea, what if we used fruits instead of colors or sound clips. “The terror alert has been raised to cumquat!”

    Posted by  on  08/26  at  08:53 AM
  15. Given the current administration’s use of the terror alert system, I’d suggest all five levels be represented by the color “transparent.”

    And yes, I did in fact go to the same little Catholic grade school as Tom Ridge, so my opinion counts here.

    Posted by Dinty  on  08/27  at  02:26 AM
  16. Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton obviously shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near airports, and I’d put Tom Daschle on the list too; he’s got shifty eyes, and I’m sure he thinks un-American thought, especially on airplanes.

    Posted by  on  08/27  at  10:45 AM
  17. Did you guys see the bit about Prince in this month’s Wired?  Impressive!

    Posted by Daniel  on  08/29  at  07:18 PM
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