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Third night

By 10 pm, I have to admit, I was pumped.  Partly it was the cosmopolitans with Lynne, the rounds of Macallan with Rich Lowry, and the white wine with Horowitz, but when prime time rolled around, I was as ready as anyone to rock on down the Highway to Zell.  But hey, did you catch the music that followed the Sensitive Bush Family Montage?  “I Like Soul with a Capital S,” followed by “Soul Man"-- that was my idea, honest.  And the delegates dug it.  Some clapped on the 2 and the 4, some clapped on the 1 and the 3, but who cares?  Republicans can disagree about these things and still represent the best of America.

Then we introduced Zell with “The Devil Came Down to Georgia.” That wasn’t my idea.  I don’t know what it was supposed to signify.  And we didn’t even get to the dueling fiddle solos!  Or the rousing chorus, “chicken in the bread pan, go fry dough.”

Nonetheless, the Zellraiser started off on fire: “Where is the bipartisanship in this country when we need it most?” he asked.  Our nation is being torn apart by Democrats and their obsession to bring down our Commander-in-Chief!  And that, my friends, is why we cannot unite the country the way we so desperately want to: these goddamn Democrats are a bunch of soft-bellied traitors!  They insist on seeing American soldiers as occupiers, not liberators, when in fact, as Zell pointed out, the soldier, not the reporter, has given us the freedom of the press.  Many cheers for this line from the crowd below me in the Garden!  Screw those reporters who abuse the freedom of the press!  Just like the soldier, not the agitator, has given us freedom of expression.  Damn to hell fire those protestors who abuse the privilege of freedom of speech!  Real American patriots know that dissent is possible only in America, and therefore unnecessary.  Actual dissenters, who don’t bathe very often and who habitually abuse the privilege granted them by the military, are therefore traitors.  To Gitmo with ‘em all!

And Zell kept rocking: no one should be Commander-in-Chief who “doesn’t believe with all his heart that our soldiers are liberators abroad and defenders of freedom at home.” Well, duh!  Maybe three days ago I would have signed up with John Kerry and his legions of “Americans-are-imperialist-occupiers” friends in the Workers World Party, but there’s no way I’d sign on with the Kerry-Edwards “End the Illegal U.S. Occupation-- All Power to Al-Sistani and Al-Sadr” platform today. Did you know that Kerry opposed every single American weapons system except spitballs? That’s right, people-- the only defense appropriation he supported was S.184 in 1987, authorizing the United States to use spitballs against Libya-- but only with United Nations approval! What an abject loser this Kerry is!  What a fraud!!  He thinks we should “let Paris decide when America needs defending.” Yeah, like Paris defended itself in 1940!!

Then Zell said that Bush wants to grab terrorists by the throat, whereas Kerry wants to serve them a yes no maybe bowl of mush.  Damn, I know who I want as my CIC, Zell-meister.  When Bush is through with grabbing those grimy terrorist throats in Gitmo and Abu Ghraib, they won’t even be able to swallow a Kerry bowl of mush!  You know what I’m talking about!!  Then Zell says:  “I have knocked on the door of this man’s soul and found someone home, a God-fearing man with a good heart and a spine of tempered steel.” Though I have to say, in a respectful, Republican kind of way, that this is a little weird.  You knocked on the door of his soul?  Was it the front door?  Who, precisely, was home that day?  Was it George himself, or maybe Laura, or one of the staff?  Is his soul lodged right near his tempered-steel spine, or is it closer to the pineal gland, where it should be?  Dark, disturbing questions.  I wish Zell had not Zell-raised them.

I had to take a quick shower in the skybox spa after Zell was done, so I missed my friend Lynne.  I hear she was very heterosexual and forceful, not at all like Hitlery.  But I towelled myself off in time for the main event, retaking my seat just as Dick strode onto the stage.

Now listen, folks, I still like the Macallan flowing in this suite and the servants and everything, but I have to admit that Dick Cheney is a little bit scary.  You all can’t see it on your TVs at home, but here in the Garden it’s quite clear that there’s a ghostly face protruding from the back of his skull, and on the monitors I can tell that it’s Spiro Agnew’s face.  Seriously, the nose and the jowls give it away.  Yes, I know, Agnew’s supposed to be dead. But what if his spirit lived on, unbeknownst to us? More disturbing questions.  Maybe Nixon’s spirit is among us too, looking for a body to inhabit.  You know, there is no good and evil, only power-- and those too weak to use it! Sure, it sounds weird-- but I’ve been here for twelve hours and still haven’t seen the back of Karl Rove’s head.  I’ll let you know, is all I can say.

It seems that Dick Cheney’s family came from humble origins too, just like some of those Democrats.  But he went to government schools?  Who wants to hear about that?  Yeah, yeah, he cares about the public schools, sure, but we don’t.  We came to hear Big Dick making fun of Kerry and Edwards!  Say something about the French, dammit!!

More disappointment.  Jobs are up, home ownership is up, the Bush tax cuts are working.  We know all that.  It has been proven true by independent economic analysts of some kind.  But what about Democrats destroying our families?  Zell said that Democrats would stand by idly while our children and grandchildren were slaughtered.  You’ve got to take it to the next level, Dick!  And tell Agnew to stop nattering out of the back of your head!  The crosstalk is really distracting!

OK, here’s a real screw-you moment!  About time!  We’re going to have health care that serves patients and good doctors, not personal injury lawyers!  All right!  I don’t know about the details of the Republican health plan, but we definitely need to kill all the lawyers and their blood-sucking designer Jacuzzi cases.  That means you, Breck Girlie Man!  Oh yeah!!

Then things got kind of scattered.  Iraq was a “gathering threat.” I thought it was a gathering storm or an imminent threat, but what the hell.  And Libya’s weapons are now in Oak Ridge, Tennessee?  Why would Dick Cheney say that?  Was that a signal of some kind?  I’m still too new here to tell.

All right!  Here comes the Kerry-trashing!  “The president’s opponent speaks of his service in Vietnam and we honor him for it.” Scattered golf-clapping.  But in the 1980s he opposed the weapons systems that won the Cold War, like the MX missile that destroyed Leningrad, the B-2 bomber that levelled Vladivostok, and the AE-145 drone that occupied Gorbachev’s very own skull!  Boo Kerry!!  Boo boo!!  Flip flop, flip flop!!  People bring out their flip flops-- and the crowd goes wild!!

Kerry thinks we should fight a “more sensitive war on terror, as though Al-Qaeda will be impressed with our softer side.” Ha ha!  That was a good one, Dick.  We have no softer side!!  We are hard all around, from tip to root!

Then Dick says, “We are faced with an enemy who seeks the deadliest of weapons to use against us, and we cannot wait for the next attack.” Truer words were never spoke, Halliburton Man!  We can hardly wait for that next attack.  The first attack gave us a 90 percent approval rating-- the next attack will give us unprecedented extraconstitutional powers!  All I can say is Bring It On!!

Now for the money shot: “George W. Bush will never seek a permission slip to defend the American people.” Straight up and solid!  Very hard and firm-- just what we came for!! When John Kerry said he would ask Jacques Chirac for permission to defend my family, that’s when I signed up with the all-hard party. Party hard, hard party!

But then, oddly enough, Dick Cheney speaks of the “wisdom and humility we expect from our President.” He says Bush has “a heart for the weak and the vulnerable and the afflicted.” What does this mean, he’s sensitive or something?  Humility?  Heart?  Bush gets up every day trying to preserve freedom?  Tell it to the wives, Cheney Man. Get back to smashing Kerry’s Frenchified face!!

Well, I was bouncing around the suite for a while pumping my fists and expressing myself, and my new friends had to remind me that Fox was on and that I should chill for a few minutes with a tumbler of fine single-malt.  Thanks, new friends.  I was getting a little carried away with all the Zell-raising and the Dick-hardening.  On our direct feed to Fox, Bill Kristol was calmly pointing out that Kerry doesn’t have “much to be proud of in his Senate record” and that the attacks on his patriotism were “not personal or mean-spirited.” Fred Barnes sagely added that “it is significant that Zell Miller didn’t scream” like that lunatic Howard Dean, and Mara Liasson of NPR noted that the Republicans got the bigger prize in the Zell Miller- Ron Reagan Jr. swap.

All in all, it’s been a good night here among the real elite.  I just wish that Spiro Agnew’s face hadn’t kept CGI-morphing and hissing out of the back of Dick Cheney’s skull.  But my thanks, once again, to everyone who encouraged me to blog this convention!  I had no idea how much fun it would be.  And tomorrow will be even better than today. . . .

UPDATE:  Check out the cool graphics at Corrente!  The Farmer wasn’t in the house like I was, but he got the feeling of the night just right.

Posted by on 09/01 at 07:33 PM

  1. Michael, thanks for all that nattering negativism.  You and Atrios (where you’ve been so widely misread of late)
    are baaaarely keeping me sane…

    Posted by  on  09/01  at  11:24 PM

  2. Brilliant! But the line is actually “Chicken in a bread pan pickin’ out dough.” No, I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean.

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  02:39 AM

  3. Was that ironic because I need some signals before I can be sure.  Can you put on irony tags or something please.

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  02:50 AM

  4. Mr. BÈrubÈ, thank you for putting those DemocRAT party prevaricating pundits of positivism in their place.

    You are a true patriot.

    (You’re American, right? Just checking.)

    (Ever considered a name change? Just a thought. Michael Miller or Michael Cheney—they’re both catchy. Michael Bush. Or if you’re attached to the name, maybe spell it Brooby. Easier to say and sounds more American. At the very least, please lose the accents. They are sooooo old Europe.)

    Posted by wtfwjd?  on  09/02  at  03:42 AM

  5. Someone on this site the other day recommended that Koch was due to have his basement/backyard dug up to look for bodies.  Same for Zell. Hope someone’s on it. 

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  04:03 AM

  6. Michael Berube, you are now officially my hero. Between you and Jon Stewart, who needs any other convention coverage?

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  04:05 AM

  7. You have kept me sane for the last few days.  Thanks!

    Yup, you are now my official hero too.  Along with Jon Stewart, Fafblog and Roger Ailes, not the evil one.

    Posted by Phedre  on  09/02  at  04:23 AM

  8. hmm, “Berube”?  Sounds French. 

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  05:23 AM

  9. My favorite line: “Real American patriots know that dissent is possible only in America, and therefore unnecessary. “

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  05:41 AM

  10. "Chicken in a bread pan pickin’ out dough”?  Damn, I hate it when I get the lyrics wrong.  Thanks, Other Michael.  See, I thought the idea was that we have to run to fry some dough now that the chicken has wandered into the bread pan.  You know, like, “quick!  the chicken is in the bread pan-- go fry dough!” All this time, I figured that was the key to good Southern fried chicken.  Shows you what I know!

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  05:48 AM

  11. Is there anyway we can get Eric Lott to engage in a virtual debate with Berube 2.2?  I think he works over at the Heritage foundation now.

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  06:07 AM

  12. Brooby!

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  06:12 AM

  13. Hey, Michael, have you noticed how much the traffic on your site has increased since you saw the light and joined the right?

    A coincidence?  I don’t think so.

    jwb

    Posted by Jimbo  on  09/02  at  06:13 AM

  14. Dear Michael,

    I’m afraid those liberal toadies over at Dailykos.com have scooped you.

    Zell was a mole.  Has to be.  All that fascist rant.

    Dailykos links to the transcripts of the intereviews with CNN and MSNBC.  Check out the flip flops Zell does on why he praised Kerry prior to this election.

    Maybe we were wrong to let you, Berube, do all the watching of this here convention.  Maybe there was a more of a kick than we anticipated.

    And yes, Berube, is getting a “convention bounce” from his coverage. Let’s see what happens by Monday.  Back to class with you.

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  06:25 AM

  15. No kidding, Jimbo!  I’m telling you, life is good over here.  And Glenn, thanks for encouraging me to do this-- I won’t forget it when the American Council of Trustees and Alumni makes up its list.

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  06:30 AM

  16. So far I’ve found out that Bush is going to kick Kerry’s ass for 4 years! Woohoo, i’m voting Bush for sure now!

    Posted by GOP  on  09/02  at  06:40 AM

  17. I thought it was “Passin’ out axe-handles, chicken and dough,” but I’ll admit I never listened all that close.

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  07:07 AM

  18. Perhaps you could change your last name to Freedom…

    (and doesn’t the lyric imply the chickens are feasting on what we were planning to bake for our own consumption? isn’t that one of the fourteen signs of the apocalypse?)

    Posted by tinman  on  09/02  at  07:48 AM

  19. Hey, how about I change my last name to Savage?  That would rock. 

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  07:51 AM

  20. Ah, so you’re trying to get back in the good graces of the ACTA, are you?  Well, when you submit my name and inflammatory commentary, spell it right, OK?  (I’ve missed them by the way; what’s a campaign without dragging the unAmericans among us out for a flogging or at least a firing?)

    Speaking of unAmerican, how ‘bout ole Zell ranting and raving like an outpatient on the tube last night, reaching into his pockets to pull out and wave around “papers” he says spell the goods on Kerry’s lack of committment to our military industrial complex?  Osh-kosh-b’osh!! Not only did he dig up Wendell Wilkie, he brought back vibes of McCarthy. After The Arnold revering in Nixon memories, Zell takes us back even further into the Republican hall of shame.  What’s next?  W promising to govern in the spirit of Harding?  Oh, he’s doing that already. 

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  07:52 AM

  21. You are bringing some fine shit, my man. Keep it up.

    Posted by beerzie boy  on  09/02  at  07:55 AM

  22. Michael, you’re gonna have to do something about that Progress Report button on your sidebar.  At the very least its presence will cost you access to the patÈ and cavier this afternoon.

    Yes, Zell is definitely part of a democratic sleeper cellóZell’s cell.  With your new found position as guardian of all things near and dear to the right, Michael, I think it is your grave responsibility to expose Zell’s nefarious mission.  Show your moxie, man.  Drop those gloves and tell us the truth about Zell.

    jwb

    Posted by Jimbo  on  09/02  at  08:12 AM

  23. Brilliant and funny there savage-man. Almost sorry to see this brain-sucking convention come to an end.  You free for the debates?

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  08:41 AM

  24. Fantastique! Hey, didn’t Spiro Agnew come from humble origins too? The possession will be complete when Cheney starts nattering like the Gawain poet. Go, Skybox Guy--a votre sante!

    Posted by sian  on  09/02  at  10:30 AM

  25. I’m proud to be able to say that Prof. Berube has been contributing to my sanity since the mid-nineties. However, late-comers are welcome to the fan club.

    The “farmer” over at Corrente has some rather special photos of Zell, apparently taken with a special camera that exposes what the naked eye may not be able to see, an alternate identity.

    The key to good southern fried chicken is double breading; dip first into milk, (full fat, please), then into four, then into beaten egg, then into bread crumbs.

    Posted by Leah A  on  09/02  at  04:54 PM

  26. Jesus, I got chest pains just from reading the recipe!

    Posted by daniel  on  09/02  at  09:33 PM

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