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The morning after

Whew!  My head is still spinning from last night.  And what a night it was!  It was a night of meat-- good, juicy, fleshy meat, not like those tofu-and-Belgian-endive nights you get at the Democrat conventions.  I thought we got our message across loud and clear: George Bush has a spine of tempered steel.  John Kerry has a spine of arugula.  Bush will protect your family and smash terrorism.  Kerry will sell your family into slavery in the Sudan because he thinks American troops are occupiers instead of liberators.

But then I wake up and check out the liberal media, and what do I see?  Nothing but whining and whinging, coast to coast.  “Oh, Zell Miller looked so angry,” say all the girlie-men in the press.  “I think maybe he was a little over the top.” Hell yeah, he was angry!  Damn straight, he was over the top!  He was angrier than a Georgia chicken in a bread pan without any dough!  Jeezus Christmas, you’d be angry too, if Chris Matthews asked you a question!  Here’s this Matthews fella going on about “when Democrats come out, as they often do, liberal Democrats, and attack conservatives, and say they want to starve little kids, they want to get rid of education, they want to kill the old people” and Zell is supposed to sit still for that?  How dare Chris Matthews ask the Zellster a setup question about how nasty liberals are!  Zell should have taken him out right there, from ten paces.  I know I would have.  And now all you’re going to hear from the liberal media is “oh, oh, I think maybe Zell Miller is too ‘hot’ for television, ouch, he burned my hand, I need one of those Democrat Band-Aids with the little purple hearts on them.” Listen up, liberal media. When the devil comes down to Georgia, you bet your sweet ass he’s too “hot” for television!  Fire on the mountain, run boys run!!

And what’s all this crying and moaning about how the Republicans don’t have an agenda?  What, you people weren’t listening?  Exactly how loud do we have to shout it out tonight?  You want an agenda, we’ll give you an agenda.  Take out your little girlie-man pencil cases and start writing it down in your little newspapers:

On health care:  we will knock Democrats’ teeth down their throats!
On jobs: we will kick Democrats until they die of internal bleeding!
On education:  we will show America that John Kerry is even more liberal than Ted Kennedy!
On the deficit:  John Kerry looks French!
On the environment:  John Kerry’s wife is a rich foreigner! who is insane!
On corporate crime: John Kerry shot himself to get out of Vietnam!  and he was never there!  and he didn’t even know how to fire a gun!
On intelligence and security: John Edwards is a pretty boy!
On nuclear proliferation: John Edwards is a trial lawyer!
On Iraq: Democrats are traitors!

So.  You people want to debate the issues, we’ll give you “issues.” Tonight, our leader brings it all home.  Stay tuned.

UPDATE:  Almost forgot!  Back home in State College, Pennsylvania, three guys have smashed in the storefront window of the Centre County Democratic HQ.  Now there’s a platform we can build on:  A Brick For Every Democrat!!!  Way to rock, boys!

Posted by on 09/02 at 08:51 AM

  1. "He was angrier than a Georgia chicken in a bread pan without any dough! “

    Damn you, Berube! You made coffee come out of my nose!

    Posted by George Williams  on  09/02  at  11:03 AM

  2. This reads well as self-parody.

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  11:12 AM

  3. Self-parody?  I don’t get it.  That sounds like something liberals do.

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  11:30 AM

  4. I sincerely hope Bush is tepid and bland and full of folksy platitudes tonight, to give poor Berube’s brain a chance to recover from his dizzying sojourn in Wingerville. If he keeps making these faces, he might get stuck this way.

    Posted by PZ Myers  on  09/02  at  11:47 AM

  5. GOP 2004: Ending the fiction of the two-party system.  God bless america

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  11:52 AM

  6. Hilarious stuff.  So when is the GOP going to get smart and give you a speaking engagement?  The next Zell Miller!  Only this time with a sense of humor.

    Posted by Peter  on  09/02  at  12:08 PM

  7. "He was angrier than a Georgia chicken in a bread pan without any dough! “

    Funniest thing I have read in a long time. It just made me laugh again, for about the 12th time.

    Thank you, Mike Brooby!!

    Posted by wtfwjd?  on  09/02  at  12:39 PM

  8. Nice to see an actual independent thinker at dear ol’ State! Good stuff.

    Posted by dave  on  09/02  at  03:39 PM

  9. On Osama bin Laden: [Crickets chirping....]

    Posted by chuck  on  09/02  at  04:52 PM

  10. I hate to pick nits on spelling and all, but this one sticks in my craw:

    “On nuclear proliferation: John Edwards is a trial lawyer!”

    that should, of course, be “nucular”. Please try to get it right…

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  07:31 PM

  11. Hey, it’s a good thing the President wished the Millers into the cornfield tonight.  A very good thing.  He found out they were planning to sit with Mrs. Bush.  Can’t have that.  She’s not sure she shares their opinions.  And that’s a very good thing, yes sir.  It’s a good thing we weren’t cheering him last night, either.  Someone might get the idea we thought those traitorous Democrats were unpatriotic or something.  And we don’t. 

    Posted by  on  09/02  at  08:57 PM

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