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Merry &%@*ing Christmas!

They warned me this would happen back when I was in boot camp at Focus on the Family, but I didn’t believe them.  “You will need to gird your loins for the attack on Christmas,” they said.  ”Jacob Grinchstein and all his liberal friends in the media, the banks, and the intelligentsia are gearing up for an all-out assault on our Christian nation.  First they came after Mel Gibson, and now they’re planning to take the Baby Jesus away from us.”

“Oh, come on,” I said at the time.  “Next you’ll be telling me that they use the Baby Jesus’ blood to make matzohs.”

“No, they don’t do that anymore,” I was told.  “Today they’re much more indirect and insidious-- they’re forbidding us even to say the word ‘Christmas,’ and they’re forcing your kid to sing ‘dreidel dreidel dreidel’ and make menorahs in your public school.  Then when we call them on it, they hide behind Santa and start singing contentless ‘holiday’ music like ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.’”

“I dunno,” I said, still skeptical.  “I mean, I’m pretty much surrounded by Christmas stuff everywhere I go, full of Jesus this and Jesus that.  Jamie’s last ‘holiday’ concert included things like ‘Angels We Have Heard on High,’ there are creches on every church lawn, and that ‘Peanuts’ special is downright evangelical.  And now that you bring it up, I have to say I don’t really understand why you folks feel so persecuted all the time.  You’re always complaining that you’re not allowed to testify to your religious faith in public, when in fact, as Richard Rorty put it in his essay on Stephen Carter’s The Culture of Disbelief, an atheist can’t get elected to any office higher than that of dogcatcher in this country.” Well, that was just about the last thing I said to anybody at Focus on the Family!  They don’t even like to hear the name of Richard Rorty out there, much less a citation of one of his atheist arguments.

And now here I am back in Pennsylvania, one month later, forced to admit that they were right and I was wrong.  Christmas is under attack, and loyal Americans must fight to save it!  It’s time to remind the infidels and agnostics that the mother-lovin’ Prince of Peace can kick their asses all the way to Gehenna!  So this Christ-Mas season, get in the face of some pushy, hook-nosed anti-Christmas agitator near you, and say, ‘Merry My-God-Became-Flesh-And-Yours-Didn’t-Day, you un-American slimeball.  Why don’t you just take your little ‘civil liberties’ someplace else.’”

Oh, and while I’m on the subject, I just finished Philip Roth’s The Plot Against America. A fine, vividly rendered narrative of strong leadership in a time of national crisis!  It reminded me of the theme song to All in the Family, especially the line, “Mister, we could use a man like Charles Lindbergh again.” Fortunately, we’ve got one!

Posted by on 12/17 at 07:03 AM
  1. Michael, quoting Rorty is a dead giveaway that the brainwash either didn’t work or it wore off. They may be coming to get you now. Stay strong. Remember that they are not good Christians. They are idolators. Your Senatorial bid will be animated by the true, progressive Jesus. (Have a real nice holiday.)

    Posted by  on  12/17  at  09:37 AM
  2. As for me, I’m going to hunker down in my fortified manger, load up the trebuchet with flaming myrhh, and dare those Savior-haters to take me alive.

    Posted by  on  12/17  at  09:54 AM
  3. what i want to know is, why didn’t *I* get the memo? i should NOT have had to hear about this 3rd hand via FoxNews!

    i mean, if the vast Ivory Tower Liberal Secular Humanist/Jewish/Athiest Conspiracy of The Left was planning to Kill Christmas this year in preparation for imposing our Godless Abortion Loving Agenda on everyone else, shouldn’t i have at least gotten a gosh darned VOICE MAIL from Hillary Clinton?! i could have been out knocking on doors, passing out pamphlets, you know!

    now, thanks to such a woeful lack of organization in our campaign, the Omnipresent Corporate Commercialization Assault League is going to beat us to it--THEY will get to knock the Christ out of Xmas, and really, it clearly should have been OUR honor to do so! no fair!

    i NOW consider myself an EX-member of the Ivory Tower Liberal Secular Humanist/Jewish/Athiest Conspiracy of The Left (i won’t be fooled by THEM anymore!)

    -Librarian

    oh yeah, Happy Holidays. whatever. sigh.

    Posted by Librarian  on  12/17  at  12:29 PM
  4. Bill O’Reilly: Here’s Al-Loofa himself defending Christianity.

    (Doubly ironic, considering the Arabic origins of the words “Loofa” and “Falafel.")

    My Holiday ‘04 bumper-sticker: “Focus on the Falafel” Maybe that’s also Fox’s new slogan?

    Posted by Amardeep  on  12/17  at  12:54 PM
  5. I think it was “Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.” Still apt.

    I enjoy Philip Roth, especially his later work, and I loved the first two-thirds of “Plot Against America” for its vivid embodiment of fascism-dread in a tight family context, but the narrative arc fizzled and was ultimately dissatisfying.

    Posted by skimble  on  12/17  at  01:38 PM
  6. And it didn’t have a good beat, and you couldn’t dance to it.

    Posted by  on  12/17  at  02:04 PM
  7. The local talk station provides free air time to a republican mayor… he takes over for one of the right wing radio blowhards once a month (how this isn’t a violation of campaign finance laws I do not know...)Yesterday he spewed forth on the attacks against Christmas for a good three hours. This guy who is attacking public school funding, blue collar public employees, etc… as the reason for high property taxes stated that it was important for municipalities to provide nativity scenes for those who cannot afford to have their own at home.

    Posted by  on  12/17  at  06:41 PM
  8. There’ve been some interesting undercurrents:  The 700 Club plugging Christmas With the Kranks, and Falwell passing out legal advice to municipalities that it’s okay to have a creche on the courthouse lawn as long as there’s a Santa on the roof.  Then there’s the weird undertow of passionoma, with the fundies battling tooth and nail for rather Catholic concerns, like the Salvation Army business and the right to hurl chocolates off a float.  I think they’re rebranding--by next year they’ll be claiming every mention of “Christmas” is a victory for our Judeo-Christian heritage.

    Posted by  on  12/18  at  06:26 AM
  9. All I want for Christmas is a raise in the cap for Social Security contributors.  Then I wouldn’t feel so terrified about all the money the privatizers will be pulling out of the fund.

    Posted by TomChicago  on  12/19  at  03:59 AM
  10. Why is it always the Christians who go on about our “Judeo-Christian heritage,” which always turns out to be exactly the same as our “Christian heritage”?

    Signed,
    --A Christmas Hating Jew

    Posted by Jonathan  on  12/19  at  04:24 AM
  11. We all know the ungodly attacks on Christmas started when the government got involved and made it a federal holiday.  Since then all these “others” have been trying to horn in on the gift giving, and the peace love and understanding and all that stuff.  There’s only one thing to do--get the government out of Christmas!  Force them to rescind the holiday!  Give the unfaithful December 31st for their Happy Holidaying instead.

    All good Christians can take a personal day on the 25th, just like the Jews do at Passover.  Then they won’t have to share Xmas with the Season’s Greetings crowd.

    I’m a little confused about the complaint against the stores though.  I’m not sure why it’s important to associate specials on frozen turkeys and sales on underwear irregulars with Christ. Must be one of those faith things. Maybe if they got a special discount when they show their Xtian ID--would that divert their wrath?

    I think this campaign is perfect for O’Reilly.  Free Xmas--remove it from the federal calendar!

    Posted by  on  12/19  at  04:17 PM
  12. Good point, emt!  There’s a states’ rights issue here that the Government-Christmas-Conservatives have been ignoring for decades.  And Jonathan, it’s well known that the prefix “Judeo” is an intensifier.  Thus, “Judeo-Christian” means “really, really Christian.”

    Skimble, I have to admit that I knew all along that it was Herbert Hoover.  But isn’t it great that “Charles Lindbergh” scans just as well for the line?  And while I can see why you’d be disappointed that Roth simply had Lindbergh vanish into the air, I remained gripped by the Seldon subplot, since, after all, young Philip bears such an awful moral burden for shipping him and his mother out to Kentucky.  So the final third of the novel was fine with me.

    Posted by Michael  on  12/20  at  06:55 AM
  13. My big brother just now sent this link to dear Peggy’s editorial on the topic du jour: http://www.opinionjournal.com/columnists/pnoonan/?id=110006032

    The subject line to his email was “Good old Common Sense? Don’t overthink and over-intellectualize.”
    (Kinda begs the question of just what will he and I chat about when we next talk by phone, which undoubtedly will be roughly midday on the 25th of December. The “25th of December,” mind you, is infidel code for the Day of Debt Forgiving for All Those CHRISTIANs Who Were Too Busy Maxing Out Their Credit Cards in Consumer Binges to Donate to Social Services.) “Merry &%@*ing Christmas” indeed; if a CHRISTIANs’ family has everything they want, why should CHRISTIANs worry about the families who are cold that day, or who have no wages for any of a number of uncivil rightsless reasons, or who hunker down for an extra dose of CHRISTIAN-style hypocrisy accreting to the shield they carry that protects their year-round extra efforts to practice a non-Christian, non-CHRISTIAN religion? Overthinking is clearly an addiction. Pesky, too. Bad dog, no biscuit.

    Posted by  on  12/20  at  11:28 AM
  14. As one of the owners of the local Communist Bookshop(tm) here in PSU-land, I am the Archdemon in the local effort to capture Xmas and mold it to Our Collective Will(sm). That’s why 10 years ago my business partners and I began celebrating the Solstice as our Official Retail Observance. It’s not our fault if the Deluded Masses(sm) can’t tell the difference between a Yule branch and an Xmas Tree.

    Thus Revolutions are Won.

    Joyous Solstice, Everyone!

    Posted by Fred Ramsey  on  12/20  at  11:05 PM
  15. I have to disagree with your characterization of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” as “contentless ‘holiday’ music.” Rudolph is clearly the stone the builders rejected who becomes the cornerstone.  A deer of sorrows, he is acquainted with grief.  Finally, however, he is loved and becomes a leader in “a journey through the skies” - clearly this stands symbolically for a role as a leader in human redemption, and the “glowing red nose” represents both the Light of the World and also, on a more organismic level, the Sacred Heart of our Savior (Freudians would call this substitution “displacement upwards").

    May peace be with you.

    .

    Posted by  on  12/21  at  06:32 AM
  16. Goddamn, Mistah Charley, you’re right!  I completely missed this reading of the song.  Possibly that’s because I’d always secretly suspected that Rudolph was really Jewish.  Now I’m going to have to rethink the eschatological meaning of “Up on the Rooftop” as well. . . .

    Posted by Michael  on  12/21  at  07:56 AM
  17. Are you sure that Rudolph’s red nose isn’t glowing from four too many stops at the tequila trough?

    Posted by  on  12/21  at  08:16 AM
  18. Jonathan,

    >>Why is it always the Christians who go on about our “Judeo-Christian heritage,” which always turns out to be exactly the same as our “Christian heritage”?

    As if you need to ask. Christian, and Jews, refer to Judeo-Christian this, Judeo-Christian that precisely so that Jews won’t be offended. But, witness your post, that is a fruitless and impossible task. I really don’t give a damm about Judeo-anything.

    Have a merry Christmas, everybody.

    Posted by  on  12/21  at  10:32 AM
  19. No, no, no--you were right all along.  Of course Rudolph is a crypto-Jew, though one wonders why Santa didn’t look up, sorta like why didn’t Daniel Deronda look down (kinda fits with the previous poster’s speculation on displacement upward)....

    Posted by  on  12/21  at  01:35 PM
  20. what we really need are judo-christians. they can roam the streets in packs, spreading the good word and kicking ass against evil at the same time.

    Posted by random  on  12/21  at  08:01 PM
  21. As much as hate it when people promote their own blogs in other peoples “comments”, I just have to do it, because this “attack on Christmas” hysteria has gotten out of hand, and its important to show that there lots of us there who are justifiably angered by it, so here’s my humble contribution to the debate (it’s not sarcastic or humorous, though):  Chistmas Rebuttal

    Sorry, Professor. I won’t do this again....promise.

    Posted by Dallas  on  12/22  at  02:32 PM

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