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NHL cancels season

The last time the Stanley Cup lay dormant like this, it was 1919, and the league-- which consisted of three teams-- cancelled the Cup finals on account of the global influenza epidemic that killed twenty million people.  And yet yesterday’s ESPN poll suggested that over 68 percent of their viewers (with over 100,000 voting) couldn’t care less that the NHL has shut down its entire season.  Well, people, it’s time to take down the elite, arrogant, Northeastern MSM!!!!  We’ll show ESPN a thing or two-- we’ll conduct our own poll to see who cares about their poll!  The blogosphere will be reckoned with!!!

While we’re demolishing Old Sports Media and ushering in the totally radical Bloggers’ Revolution, in which ordinary people will complain about the old sports media, we have to figure out who’s to blame for this world-historical debacle.  Pick one of the options below, or make up your own in the comments section!

___ The greedy players, for pulling in $10 million salaries and paying no attention to the fact that ESPN telecasts of NHL games get beaten in the ratings by Full House marathons on UPN.

___ The dunderheaded owners, for advocating socialist, un-American controls on free-market sports economics.  Why do they hate freedom?

___ Gary Bettman, just because he’s a schmuck with a whiny voice.

___ Me, because I left the rink in a computer-crash-induced panic Sunday night, possibly causing my A team to lose 4-3 and almost certainly bringing NHLPA negotiations to a halt the next day.

___ Jose Canseco.

Bonus question:  which great players will now retire, having played their final game in the spring of 2004 without our realizing it at the time?

UPDATE:  In other news, Bush has nominated death-squad enabler John Negroponte as the U.S. Director of National Intelligence.  Oddly, the online ESPN poll suggests that over 68 percent of their viewers couldn’t care less about this, either.  Similar polls can be found at MSNBC, CBS/New York Times, and the U.S. Senate.

Posted by on 02/17 at 11:59 AM

  1. YOU! You’re the one to blame!

    I can’t believe you had the nerve to abandon your team like that!!!  Now look at the mess we’re in!!!

    Somehow I knew the reason was deeper than greedy owners arguing with greedy players.  Now my suspicions are confirmed.  Please give us back the NHL!

    Bonus answers:
    Steve Yzerman
    Mark Messier
    Mario Lemiex
    Chris Chelios
    Brett Hull
    Ron Francis
    ...among others

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  01:36 PM

  2. While I find it hard to get excited about hockey, I respect the fact that you smirk at the NHL as a player, not just a fan.

    Which leads me to suggest a slogan for Michaelberube.com: no chicken hawkey.

    Posted by Amardeep  on  02/17  at  01:41 PM

  3. I blame Jean Chretien and Paul Martin. If you Canadians and Canadian-symps had just sent some troops to Iraq, then we wouldn’t have had to implant the delayed-release salary cap capitulation viral nanobot in Bob Goodenow’s brain.  Now your precious “Hockey Night in Canada” is just a wasteland of “Red-Green” reruns and poutine binges. Bwah-ha-ha-ha.

    Posted by corndog  on  02/17  at  01:51 PM

  4. What was the middle one again?

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  01:57 PM

  5. I blame all those people who don’t watch hockey on TV.  Dumbasses just don’t have any appreciation for another thrilling episode of that hot rivalry between the San Jose Sharks and the Phoenix Coyotes.

    I think those are NHL teams, though they might be arena football, or WNBA teams.

    If the NHL restricted themselves to the areas that gave a damn about hockey, they could broadcast regionally like ACC or Big East basketball does.

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  02:09 PM

  6. I miss hockey. :(

    It’s actually my fault, because I couldn’t afford cable anymore and had to sell the television to pay rent. :(

    Love,

    Hanna

    Posted by Hanna  on  02/17  at  02:48 PM

  7. Going out on a limb: Michael Bérubé is to blame for the NHL Hockey Crisis. 

    I hope that President Bush decisively comes up with a solution to this crisis, such as importing Pakistani cricket teams to finish out the season.

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  02:53 PM

  8. The lads over at Powerline say it’s Jimmy Carter’s fault.

    And they have documents!

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  03:03 PM

  9. There’s been no NHL hockey this season?  who knew?  Seriously,I always thought they should call it the CNFT (Canadians with no front teeth).

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  03:05 PM

  10. ___ The government of Canadia, for taxing the bejesus out of their own teams to pay for their Frenchy-pants healthcare system. (I mean, c’mon, hockey players are supposed to be toothless!)

    ___ Rupert Murdoch, for turning a great winter sport into a video game. Little neon Haley’s Comet vapor trails might fly in the Outback, but not in hockey country, like Tampa.

    Bonus Answer: Call it a hunch, call it foolishness, but I think no one will retire, provided there’s a chance there’ll be a season next year.

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  03:17 PM

  11. I blame Bush and Cheney. This is a mantra. Marty has my list of retirees. I’m really sorry that Messier and Yzerman didn’t have a chance to bow out with cheers.  I guess the exciting news is that next year the NHL may turn to replacement players. Will Michael Berube play for the NY Scabs? I could give up this political theory gig to become a homicidal defenseman. You don’t have to skate well to keep the slot clear.

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  03:34 PM

  12. According to David Horowitz, the whole thing was staged by the (mafia-linked) Service Employees International Union, under the watchful eye of evil criminal mastermind (and, surprisingly, a man who is still “campaigning to become chairman of the [DNC]”—he may be a mastermind, but he doesn’t seem to read the paper that often) Harold Ickes. In cahoots with Mumia Abu-Jamal and Rob Reiner.

    Posted by Alex  on  02/17  at  03:57 PM

  13. had to throw canseco in there, didn’t ya.

    whom to blame? my answer: the game.

    now, don’t get excited. i love hockey. but america doesn’t love hockey. for americans to love hockey, it needs visible heroes at extreme close-up camera angles. think tom brady all dashing as he audibles at the line of scrimmage, the camera catching those baby blue eyes in command and determined. or barry bonds all intense and full of concentration waiting for the next pitch.

    trust me on this. it’s the same reason americans don’t watch soccer. just a bunch of bodies zooming around. sport is about historical figures, we have to see the eyes.

    my solution: remove the goalie helmets, and one penalty shot each team to start every period.

    Posted by random  on  02/17  at  04:56 PM

  14. Not to change the subject or anything, but I was over at Spamazon and noticed that there were only four copies left of our gracious host’s Life As We Know It.

    Thinking quickly, I ordered one. Now there are only three copies left. Y’all better scurry over there if you want one. Or if you just want to snicker at the right-wing customer review.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  02/17  at  06:07 PM

  15. Can’t say that I miss Don Cherry much. I cringe at almost everything he says about Americans and other furriners playing “our” game. But life at home without Hockey Night in Canada is bizarre — the TV sounds different. Otherwise things haven’t changed much. We have hockey on so many levels here I’m still spending half my time in arenas. When the season ends I’ll have three kids in ball hockey until July. I do miss the Leafs, though.

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  07:46 PM

  16. Gary Bettman. Let me ESPlaiN.

    10 years ago, I was one of the design architects for a shiny new 18K seat, $85M hockey arena for the Winnipeg Jets. Winnipeg scrambled to save their national sport from migrating to the American desert by showing their FANaticism by agreeing to fund and build the latest NHL showcase. My design comrades and I got about halfway through design before Gary Bettman decided that the the Jets organization couldn’t consider the team’s value to increase in any way from future equity in the new arena since the citizens of Greater Winnipeg were footing the bill. The decision appeared to be arbitrary and self-serving to the NHL’s goal to bring hockey to large-market American cities.

    So the project died on the vines. What a beaut it would have been, too.

    So the Jets moved to Phoenix and became the Coyotes.

    Oh yeah, and I lost my job with that design firm.

    And Gary Bettman became the NHL bad guy for all time and for everything hockey—at least to me and most Winnipegians… err, Winnipegites… err… Winnipegers?

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  07:49 PM

  17. Does this mean we’ll all move on from the useless world of hockey and the extremely boring world of football to what is really important-- baseball?

    After all, baseball is fifty-thousand times more exciting than cricket.

    Posted by Ryan  on  02/17  at  08:53 PM

  18. I blame the Nashville Predators’ uniforms.

    Mario is over.  [But he, as an owner/player, makes my head explode with blame.]

    Posted by  on  02/17  at  09:20 PM

  19. Bettman:

    http://www.aintnobaddude.com/2005_02_13_aintnobaddude_archive.html#110858841473057396

    Posted by Brian Linse  on  02/17  at  09:51 PM

  20. The owners:

    http://lefarkins.blogspot.com/2005/02/hockey-blogging-moral-clarity-edition.html

    Posted by Scott  on  02/18  at  12:54 AM

  21. Remember when Tony Kornheiser was a sports writer and not a “television personality?” Boy, I miss those days…

    Posted by  on  02/18  at  11:11 AM

  22. Well, I’ll admit I don’t much care about hockey. It sounds like some french-loving game anyway.

    But I am greatly concerned that you’re spreading rumors such as the one about Negroponte being designated as the new top intel chief. Did you get that from The Onion or something? No way an administration would appoint him to anything. Do you KNOW what he did in Honduras, Nicaragua and who knows where else in Latin America in the ‘80’s at the bequest of our leaders? I’m just gonna file that along with those other outrageous rumors about us invading Iraq, converting a $6 trillion surplus into a multi-trillion deficit, and the one about the fake reporter.

    Posted by Bulworth  on  02/18  at  11:17 AM

  23. NASCAR dads did it.

    Posted by  on  02/18  at  11:56 AM

  24. Hockey?  What’s that again?  I’ve got to blame the idiots who thought it was a good idea to play hockey in Phoenix, Nashville, Miami, Tampa, Charlotte, Dallas, and Atlanta.

    Oh, and Gary Bettman because he’s a schmuck with a whiny voice.

    Posted by johnr  on  02/18  at  12:23 PM

  25. The greedy owners!

    Posted by  on  02/18  at  01:21 PM

  26. Kornheiser did political writing for awhile in the mid 90s. He sucked at that. I always thought he was lame on the sports page, as well.

    I like hockey and was a big fan during grad school and was happy to see my school win the NCAA in ‘83. But it really is a bit of a niche sport--not in a quirky way like rugby or an esoteric not quite sporty way like Dressage, but in more of a regional, climatic way. I’ve never thought of going to games here in Atlanta, although I would if I still lived in Cleveland or Chicago (indeed, I used to). When I lived in Bangkok, one of the malls had a rink and promoted club teams--the owner of the mall had been educated in Canada. So, I suppose hockey can take root anywhere, but that doesn’t mean that a lot of people will watch or that a lockout will inflame the kinds of passions that it would in football or even baseball (although any sport that attracts sentimental books by George Will is kindof dead already).

    Posted by  on  02/18  at  01:35 PM

  27. None of the above.  The real reason is the Red Sox.  They were reigning World Series champs in 1919, and they are now (with that small slump in between).  The last time the Stanley Cup finals weren’t held was 1919.  And now again.  Conincidence?  No way.

    Posted by  on  02/18  at  03:24 PM

  28. If you’ve spent your lifetime rooting for the St. Louis Blues, you’re familiar with hockey disappointments. Since the team was doing nothing but getting worse the past couple of years, the lack of watching them play has actually made this winter more enjoyable than it would otherwise have been. I’ve read more books, watched more movies, started my own blog, and kept up more on world events.

    That said, of course it’s the owners fault. If you don’t want to pay anybody too much money, don’t pay it. Someday, I figure when the league returns, there will be fewer teams, and maybe the Blues will have some players.

    Posted by Steve Pick  on  02/18  at  04:38 PM

  29. johnr:  The Panthers play in Raleigh, not Charlotte.

    Scott Stevens.

    Gary Bettman, for negotiating a no-pay television contract with NBC.

    And possibly hockey itself for being, as with soccer, a game that is much better to see live--even in the cheap seats--than it is on television (though replay is nice).

    Posted by Ken Houghton  on  02/18  at  06:14 PM

  30. This is your fault!  I am sending Craig Berube
    after your ass, and he don’t have no fancy-smancy
    accents in his name!

    Posted by  on  02/18  at  07:27 PM

  31. Please, Hedley, I’m a Flames fan--try not to mention the best player we received for Doug Gilmour and Jamie Macoun!

    Posted by Scott  on  02/19  at  01:39 AM

  32. And, by the way, Bulworth, next thing you know, you won’t believe that Eliot Abrams has been named National Security Advisor.

    The “Salvador option” is being exercised in the United States, and the demise of hockey is just to get people to move to The North American Containment Camp, a.k.a., Canada.

    Posted by Ken Houghton  on  02/19  at  01:19 PM

  33. Ooh ooh ooh…

    All hope is not lost.

    But, whatever the outcome, those of us in Chicago will still be pretty much out of luck.

    Posted by  on  02/19  at  01:46 PM

  34. Chicago? You should try being a Ranger fan....

    I hear Gretzky flew in for the negotiations, must mean something eh?  Even if he is an owner, it’s hard to hate him.  But it’s not hard to hate Bettman.

    One of the reasons I love hockey is you can tell the players love to play--if only the owners cared about the game as much.

    Posted by  on  02/19  at  06:22 PM

  35. Hockey needs to make some fundamental changes when it comes back.

    1.  Contraction.  As mentioned above, it’s a regional niche sport and that’s not a bad thing--if they can sell out in the NE and in Canada but can’t get people to go in Charlotte, then Charlotte doesn’t deserve a franchise.  Get rid of six teams, realign, reduce the number of playoff teams (the playoffs last FOREVER) and the product will be better because you won’t have players that are really AHL quality in the league just to take up space.

    2.  Expand the size of the rinks.  Yes, I know, there goes 5 rows of $125 seats but the players are so big know that it’s easy to do mind-numbing stuff like the neutral zone trap.  Give the players more space and the skill players will have more room to roam and scoring will increase.

    Posted by  on  02/19  at  07:56 PM

  36. Adding to Marty’s list…

    Roenick
    Hasek (again)
    Leetch
    Andreychuk
    Larionov

    Actually, those last two may have known it was their last game, I can’t remember if they made it official.

    I keep wondering, with the dollar plummeting in respect to the Euro, and more and more European players, will the NHL return as an intercontinental league?

    Posted by thehim  on  02/20  at  02:46 AM

  37. The real reason is the Red Sox.  They were reigning World Series champs in 1919, and they are now (with that small slump in between).  The last time the Stanley Cup finals weren’t held was 1919.  And now again.  Conincidence?  No way.

    And if this year’s World Series is riddled with a gambling scandal, I’ll be truly blown away by this theory…

    Posted by thehim  on  02/20  at  02:48 AM

  38. Chicago? You should try being a Ranger fan....

    For what it’s worth, I was refering specifically to the Hawks’ management’s refusal to televise home games. Couple this with the league’s current lack of a national TV contract and you’ve got a recipe for no hockey in Chicago, strike or no strike. (Besides the IHL Wolves, that is.)

    Posted by  on  02/21  at  02:40 PM

  39. thehim:  Larionov announced his retirement before the end of last season, and held a wonderful Farewell Game in Russia in November or December.  Tons of NHLers he’d played with took part, in a World v. Russia format.  Lots of Wings; it was such a nice event for all concerned that I bet we see a Stevie Y Farewell Game at the Joe next year no matter what happens with the league.

    Fetisov laced up one more time. Even though he’s now Mr. high muckety-muck in Russian sports (maybe the Minister of), I could imagine him coming back
    for Yzerman’s game.

    Dan: Go check out the Wolves; I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised. 

    Disclaimer: My s.o.’s brother runs an NHL team in the U.S. south, an instance of All That Is (Said to Be) Wrong With Hockey…

    Posted by  on  02/22  at  05:01 AM

  40. Oh, and Dan:  That’s the _AHL_ Wolves.  The I went out of existence (due to overexpansion, in which the brother-in-law was a major mover).

    Posted by  on  02/22  at  01:56 PM

  41. Hey hockey fans: colbycosh.com has a collection of other NHLs you can check out.  Cosh is a right winger (political, not on the ice) from Edmonton, and the most readable righty around—especially enjoyable on sports.

    http://colbycosh.com/#stnh

    Posted by  on  02/22  at  02:12 PM

  42. If the owners seriously think they’re losing less money shutting down for one season, then they should bite the bullet and cut their losses to the max by going out of business.

    The players will find somewhere else to play.  Of course, that will probably be Europe, but what the heck.  It will be like the situation with soccer.  Soccer is a pretty good game and in spite of all the theories offered up by the idiots on sports talk radio to explain why Americans don’t play soccer, Americans do play soccer.  And some of them play it extremely well--- in Europe.

    I suppose the NHL’s ultimate goal is something like Major League Soccer, with limited competitition between teams.  This approach does keep the prices down.  It also keeps your league from being as good as the leagues elsewhere which actually do pay the players what they’re worth on the open market.

    I am talking crazy talk here, I guess, but it is obvious that the hockey owners forgot that, unlike football or baseball players, but like basketball and soccer players, hockey players have other leagues they can go play for.  (Well, baseball does have the Japanese leagues, but they only have a few roster spots open for non-Japanese players-- and if you hadn’t noticed, several of the top Japanese ballplayers are playing in North America.)

    Posted by Tim Horrigan  on  02/26  at  02:27 AM

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