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Casting about

A shorter post today—and, just to thank everyone for sticking with me through the last two 2000-word affairs, I’m tossing in a Fun Game as well.

OK, so everyone’s asking me if I’ve seen the profile of David Horowitz in this week’s Chronicle of Higher Education.  Well, of course I have!  I’m a shadow member of the Network, after all.  And with all due respect to Siva, whose response you should definitely check out, I happen to think that the article is an important Next Step in the enterprise of getting Horowitz to discredit himself (thus distributing the “discrediting” task more evenly and fairly).

When last we heard David’s fantasies about professors, he was telling people that we make $150,000 and work six hours a week.  Here’s the update:

To gain the recognition he believed he deserved, Mr. Horowitz established [the Center for the Study of Popular Culture], which features conservative programs such as catered lunches with right-leaning luminaries who discuss their latest books. “I don’t have a platform in The New York Times,” he says.

If he were liberal, he contends, he could be an editor at the Times or a department chairman at Harvard University. And his life story would have already been told on the big screen. Radical Son: A Generational Odyssey, his autobiography, has been out for eight years. “Someone would have made a film out of it if I was a leftist,” he says bitterly.

He claims he would make more money as a liberal, too, “at least three times,” what he earns now. According to the center’s most recent available tax form, Mr. Horowitz received an annual salary of $310,167 in 2003. He declines to give his current income, but in addition to his salary, Mr. Horowitz receives about $5,000 for each of the 30 to 40 campus speeches he gives each year.

As it happens, my salary of $930,501 is precisely three times Horowitz’s, and it’s a tad on the high end for Penn State English professors, but there’s a reason for that.  When I was offered this job five years ago, the dean said, “what can I tell you about Penn State?” I replied, “Penn State looks just great, frankly, but I’d need to be paid three times whatever David Horowitz makes.” “Done,” said the dean.  And you know, $930,501 really goes a long way in central Pennsylvania!  David didn’t even mention that—when you factor in the cost of living in State College as compared to Los Angeles, liberal professors in college towns really do turn out to be among the nation’s financial elite.  And you all thought we were merely hoarding cultural capital!  Bwah hah hah hah hah hah hah.

Then again, I’ve gotten paid $5,000 for a lecture exactly zero times—and my lectures are usually written out word by word, and they involve actual, sustained, sequential arguments; they’re not just rambling, stream-of-consciousness rants, like the “lectures” of some people I know.  And I lecture only a couple of times a year.  Really.  (In that bitter little review of The Employment of English, Mark Bauerlein got off the sentence, “Revealing how often he is invited to lecture by conference organizers, student organizations, literature departments, and faculty senates . . . Bérubé amply corroborates his entry into the star system.” But actually, that book referenced only four talks—one of which, as I pointed out in my reply, was a three-minute, bullhorn-enhanced speech in support of Illinois’s graduate student union, and one of which was an appearance before CUNY’s Faculty Senate, for which I was offered $100—which I refused.) So probably it all balances out in the end.

Now, here’s the Fun Game:  taking a tip from Geoff (in the comments to my last post), let’s cast Radical Son:  The Movie!  I think Dennis Hopper is a natural for the lead (he even has the right initials), but feel free to offer other suggestions.  (Also I think John Forsythe should do the voice of Richard Mellon Scaife, just as he did Charlie in Charlie’s Angels.) We’ll also need an entire supporting cast.  They’ll be rarely seen—we don’t want to take the focus off David—but they’re crucial as backdrops to the main story.  And what a story it is!  How many sequels should we plan?  Let’s get busy . . . there’s so much work ahead of us!

Posted by on 05/04 at 09:05 AM
  1. “It’s Orwellian,” says Roger W. Bowen, general secretary of the American Association of University Professors. “He’s trying to create an atmosphere in the classroom where faculty are not treated like the professionals that they are.”

    I see a sequel.  Set Horrorowowowowitz to Shakespeare.  But only “the approved Shakespeare.”

    I see the title: All’s Well That’s Orwell! Or not.

    Posted by The Heretik  on  05/04  at  10:56 AM
  2. Someone will have to play you, Michael.  I’m thinking Daniel Day-Lewis.

    Posted by Sean  on  05/04  at  11:15 AM
  3. Thanks, Sean, but I’ve already approached Gilbert Gottfried to play me.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  11:19 AM
  4. Dennis Hopper is a fine actor, but he has tooo much edge to play the marshmallow man. I think Richard Dreyfuss would do a great job. Or Ron Jeremy.

    To fill out the “early years” supporting cast: Bernie Mac as Eldridge Cleaver, Denzel as Huey, Chris Rock as little Bobby Hutton. Winona Ryder as Bernardine Dohrn and Matthew McConaughey as Mark Rudd. Chomsky gets a walk-on as Lyndon LaRouche. Fred Ward as Abbie Hoffman and Paul Reisert as Jerry Rubin. 

    Someone will have to play you, Michael.  I’m thinking Daniel Day-Lewis.

    “Stay alive, no matter what occurs! No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will deconstruct you!”

    Vietnam-era hockey camp Michael played, of coourse, by H. J. Osment.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  05/04  at  11:36 AM
  5. I don’t know how many A-listers you could get for something like this. Much better would be to cast actors who believe themselves to be victims of liberal cultural hegemony: e.g., Kirk “Growing Pains” Cameron as young Horowitz, Tom Selleck as the middle-aged version.

    If this really were an A-list production, you would cast 50 Cent and The Game as a couple of Horowitz’s Black Panther homeys from the mid-70s; as it is, maybe you could get the guys from Bell Biv Devoe.

    I saw Craig Wasson, who played the lead in Brian DePalma’s Body Double, witnessing on the 700 Club once; if he hasn’t gone a-backsliding, he’d be perfect as the arch-nemesis Prof Berube.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  11:40 AM
  6. Nah, wrong track.
    It should be done as a “South Park” special.

    Posted by Steinn Sigurdsson  on  05/04  at  11:47 AM
  7. I’m having a hard time choosing between the three creepiest actors who can play villians - Crispin Glover, John Malkovich, and Gary Oldman - as to who should be cast as the pie thrower.

    It’s also up in the air as to whether or not that sequence should be shot as a heavy digitally enhanced effects scene a la The Matrix (the camera spinning around the pie), or a heavy montage scene a la Battleship Potemkin (complete with baby carriages falling down stairs and glasses broken on pie crust shards).

    Posted by konczal  on  05/04  at  11:57 AM
  8. PS: I see ECoS will have to review its salary structure…

    Posted by Steinn Sigurdsson  on  05/04  at  12:13 PM
  9. Can we get Jeff Goldblum in there somewhere?Maybe as Todd Gitlin? And Sir Ian McKellen, perhaps, as Bertrand Russell (during the London montage). David Krumholz as the young D-Ho.

    And there have to be some roles for the affective leftists. Martin Sheen as Peter Collier, George Clooney as a young Tom Hayden, and a cameo for Springsteen as a Berkeley rocker.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  12:31 PM
  10. I’m going to have to have a little talk with the chancellor. Everyone knows faculty in the natural sciences should get paid more than you dime-a-dozen humanities types, so I’m going to have to demand four times what Horowitz makes.

    So what if it’s a 3000% increase over my current salary? University administrators are used to following the whims of their faculty slavishly.

    Whatever actor is going to play Horowitz has to be able to get down into the ratty aspects of the character. Glover is a good suggestion, or perhaps Dustin Hoffman; Roddy McDowall would be a fine choice, too, and since he’s dead, he can probably be hired on the cheap. This should definitely be a low budget production.

    Hey, since verisimilitude would be enhanced with a collection of cheap, skeazy, no-talent hambones, maybe we could just fill the roles with the staff at NRO!

    Posted by PZ Myers  on  05/04  at  12:35 PM
  11. Perhaps Michael Caine as Christopher Hitchens in the London tour montage sequence? (The late Dudley Moore or Benny Hill would have been such naturals for this role...pity they’re no longer with us.) Terry Jones is also a possibility here.

    And in the role of the “mature” D.Ho, if you’re not too wedded to Hopper, I hear Ron Silver is looking for work…

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  12:41 PM
  12. It came to me on the Bay Bridge: Steve Buscemi as the Evil Dr. Bérubé.

    ...and remember: under the provisions of the Arab-American Actors clause of the Patriot Act, we have to cast Tony Shalhoub as Edward Said and Tariq Ali.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  05/04  at  12:48 PM
  13. So if D. Ho were a leftist, he’d be a Harvard chair and have a hit movie made about himself?  Who’s he thinking of? Indiana Jones?

    Off the top of my head, I can think of exactly one liberal academic’s autobiography that has been made into a movie—Jill Ker Conway’s The Road from Coorain—and that wasn’t exactly a blockbuster.

    But this is what makes Horowitz so special.  While he has many quite standard wingnut delusions, he also harbors a few that are truly unique to him.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  12:52 PM
  14. Michael -

    This is completely off topic, but I thought you might know, and perhaps could answer.

    What ever happened to the March 2005 issue of PMLA?  Did my mailperson lose it? Or has it just been delayed? Its now May!

    Posted by Jon S.  on  05/04  at  12:55 PM
  15. ...What ever happened to the March 2005 issue of PMLA?

    Wow, Michael. I knew that you blog, write scholarly books, teach English lit, plot Neo-Bolshevist revolution, and play hockey.  But I had no idea that you handle subscription complaints re: scholarly journals!

    My wife has been waiting for an issue of Colloquia Germanica in which her book was reviewed for over a year.  Once you track down Jon S.’s PMLA, would you mind looking for that?

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  01:01 PM
  16. How many times do I hafta say “the only person that can play Michael Bérubé with the necessary European detachment is Jurgen Prochnow (captain of Das Boot)” before I get myself a richly deserved lifetime ban?

    And I think that Josh Mostel and Ron Silver need to have a baby before we can talk about casting Horowitz.

    Posted by norbizness  on  05/04  at  01:04 PM
  17. The role of “Acadamic Bill of Rights” should be played by the amendment to outlaw flag-burning in *The Simpsons’* spoof of the classic *Schoolhouse Rock* segment, “I’m just a bill.”

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  01:09 PM
  18. <em>Wow, Michael. I knew that you blog, write scholarly books, teach English lit, plot Neo-Bolshevist revolution, and play hockey.  But I had no idea that you handle subscription complaints re: scholarly journals! </em>

    Michael, can we talk soon about The Nation? I get maybe one in three issues.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  05/04  at  01:10 PM
  19. I vote for Brad Dourif to play Horowitz.

    Posted by apostropher  on  05/04  at  01:17 PM
  20. What about his love interest?  If it is a made for TV miniseries, it will obviously be Jane Seymor.  For a movie, I’d recommend Jennifer Connelly.  She did a good job playing opposite the insane.

    You must remember, you have to change things to make a movie.  If we wanted to accurately portray his love interest, it would be a looped recording of his own voice in full blather.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  01:31 PM
  21. Sorry, fellow readers.

    I did not mean to suggest that Michael knew the whereabouts of my copy of PLMA.  I thought, perhaps incorrectly, that he might know if the entire issue was delayed since he has an editorial role at the publication.

    Posted by Jon S.  on  05/04  at  01:32 PM
  22. On a sort of “Horowitz/non-Horowitz” note, the Reed College alumni mag this month had a cover article about how the poor conservative and religious students feel left out that somehow manages to completly omit any reference to Horowitz, Students for Academic Freedom, or the “Academic Bill of Rights”.

    http://www.darrelplant.com/blog_item.php?ItemRef=211

    Posted by darrelplant  on  05/04  at  01:35 PM
  23. Marginally on topic, here’s an old Rittenhouse Review post that captures Horowitz’s weird attitude to money, with 10% extra Pennsylvania content.

    http://rittenhouse.blogspot.com/2005/02/red-whines-are-so-difficult-to-clean.html

    Posted by P O'Neill  on  05/04  at  02:24 PM
  24. I did not mean to suggest that Michael knew the whereabouts of my copy of PLMA.  I thought, perhaps incorrectly, that he might know if the entire issue was delayed since he has an editorial role at the publication.

    Hey, don’t give Jon S. a hard time here, folks.  As it happens, I don’t have an editorial role on the journal (the Executive Council is a separate entity), but I do have an essay coming out in that issue, and I knew it was going to be delayed (not because of me, so far as I know).  So there.

    Jon, your copy is in the MLA mailroom, sixth row of “publications—to go,” second shelf, three copies down from the top.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  02:37 PM
  25. Does Horowitz have a doctorate or does he actually teach collegiately at a legitimate institution?

    If not, what in the name of blog is the CHE doing raising this guy’s profile?

    Posted by Bulworth  on  05/04  at  02:38 PM
  26. i would tab wallace shawn for the critically acclaimed but underappreciated off-broadway production. if this were made by espn (and why wouldnt it be?), id consider tony kornheiser.
    but as a theatrical release, if i couldnt convince the suits that gene shalit could render characters on celluloid with heretofore unseen emotional depth, or that this was best approached as a eugene levy comedy vehicle, then i would settle for another squirelly performance from billy bob thornton. oh, and jason alexanders agent keeps calling to say that if it gets knocked down to “straight to cable” money, his client is, um, available.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  02:38 PM
  27. While you guys are busy with your big-budget biopic, I’ll beat you to market with my D2DVD quickie, Horror Wits, starring Robert Englund as the ex-radical-turned-serial-killer who murders prominent liberal scholars in witty, conservative ways: “And now I’ll Hayek you to pieces!” Co-starring Linnea Quigley as the Women’s Studies adjunct who fears she may be next. With Sylvia Kristel as “Dean Emmanuelle,” and a guest appearance by Bruce Campbell as Chief of Campus Security.

    Posted by HP  on  05/04  at  02:56 PM
  28. I see Paul Giamatti as David, John Cleese in full Basil Fawlty bluster as Scaife, Kevin Spacey as Dick Morris and the Olsen twins as Ann Coulter.

    Posted by corndog  on  05/04  at  03:07 PM
  29. Folks, obviously Michael Douglas needs a role here. He specializes in victimized conservative rich white men who get shafted by evil conspiracies of monstrous women, homosexuals, minorities, and/or liberals. The sublime horror of the moment in every movie when he realizes the vastness of the liberal/female/gay/black/Japanese forces out to get him . . . c’mon, he was born for the Horowitz part. Conversely, he could play against type like Alan Alda, and take the role of a Nazi-like liberal classroom dictator who directs the Network from his Happy Valley headquarters. Shots of indoctrinated students bestowing fascistic adulation upon the postmodern professor . . . .

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  03:09 PM
  30. Jurgen Prochnow? No way. Udo Kier is Michael Bérubé. And Udo is way hotter now, with all those roles as creepy European guy in horror films.

    Posted by PZ Myers  on  05/04  at  03:09 PM
  31. Great suggestions, corndog!  I too saw a place for Kevin Spacey in this film, but I wasn’t sure where.  I suggest Willem Dafoe as D.Ho. 

    Do we have a director lined up?  Is David Lynch available?

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  03:18 PM
  32. Oh, and I almost forgot.  This thread is reducing me to helpless teary laughter.  Thanks, everyone.

    Chris, I was counting on you to cast the Panthers (though you know the role of Huey has to go to Samuel L. Jackson—“hmmm-mmm, David!  That is a tasty burger!"), but the Haley Joel Osment, Steve Buscemi, and Tony Shalhoub suggestions are wonderful.  Konczal, great stuff.  Maybe that pie scene should climax in David leaping up from the podium, ninja-like, and hovering suspended for a moment before kicking both the pie and the pie-thrower in midair?  Ben, thanks for Indiana Jones—I think Horowitz was probably thinking more along the lines of Dan Brown’s immortal Robert Langton, Professor of Religious Symbology and Iconology (our own Department of Religious Symbology and Iconology has no fewer than three faculty members who have had movies made about their lives)—but Michael Caine as Hitchens in the London tour sequence is brilliant.  I’d pay to see that.

    Norbizness, thank you once again for promoting my Prochnow makeover.  Njorl, please give Jennifer Connolly a call.  Daniel, yes, yes, yes, and yes, but we still need a role for Katie Couric.  (Though ktheintz’s idea of casting victims of liberal cultural hegemony is a good one.  Do you think Bruce Willis would like to play David?)

    Lance, YCMTDAWNIAFL.  (You compel me to devise a wholly new Internet acronym for laughter.)

    Last but not least, PZ, ye scurvy dog, if ye manage t’ convince yer chancellor t’ pay ye four times Horowitz`s salary, I`ll jus’ be havin’ t’ demand a “merit” raise that will kick me up t’ five times Horowitz`s salary. This means warrrr!

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  03:22 PM
  33. Damn, SneakySnu, I didn’t even think of directors.  Would Spike Lee be interested, do you think?

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  03:24 PM
  34. Personally, I’m picturing “Radical Son” as a musical. And Ashton Kutcher IS David Horowitz. Featuring Chris Tucker as Huey Newton.

    Posted by darrelplant  on  05/04  at  03:27 PM
  35. Come to think of it, after seeing “Melinda & Melinda”, I’m willing to consider Will Farrell as D.Ho.  And Woody Allen might not be such a bad choice as director, either!

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  03:34 PM
  36. Christopher Walken as D.H. One of the Hanson Bros. from Slap Shot (take your pick) as M.B. Timmy from South Park as himself.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  03:41 PM
  37. We have been remiss in not considering the voiceover artisit for the talking in his head.

    I’m thinking Pacino, but if we can’t get him, maybe the dancing snoopy music will do.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  04:12 PM
  38. OK, the mention of South Park here combined with references to the “sacred cow in American life” and Black Panthers from the article has made me think it should be a musical. I guess it will make sense after you read it, but it goes to the tune “Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden.

    Radical Son

    In my guise
    Not composed
    Telling lies
    Listing my foes
    Lines that trace
    Network make
    The fun
    At their disgrace
    Lib defeat
    Monkey-wrench
    In the gears
    The truth has fled
    Give me fame
    It’s my dream
    To hear you rubes
    Scream again

    Radical Son
    What have ya done
    Have you become insane
    Radical Son
    What have ya done
    What have ya done

    Blustering
    Old bore camp
    Nurture worn wounds
    Departed friend
    Grudge held long
    For Marxist men
    In these times
    Far too gone
    Forsakes
    My past dues
    A talking sheep
    And a ewe
    I pray to sleep
    Even mend
    Mind affray
    No one baa’s
    Like ewe
    Anymore

    So corn-fed
    My eyes unclear
    Till I cuddle with a
    Steer

    Posted by John  on  05/04  at  04:30 PM
  39. Well, if we’re gonna go all subversive in the casting, how about Harvey Fierstein as D Ho (or, to go even more intertextual, Jon Lovitz as Harvey Fierstein as David Horowitz; or, to go even more intertextual, and multi-media to boot, how about South Park’s Big Gay Al as D Ho in a Roger Rabbit-esque live action/animation extravaganza, populated both by real-life actors and real-life cartoon characters as real-life people in Horowitz’s life. Sideshow Bob as Bill Bennett, Smurfette as Ann Coulter, etc.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  04:39 PM
  40. Donald Sutherland would work, as would Jonathan Banks, Maitland’s thug in Beverly Hills cop in the Horowitz roll. They can drool every bit as well as Dennis Hopper. Paul Giamattil, Mickey Rourke come to mind as well.  The only one to play Ann Coulter would be Joan Rivers(if she’s still kicking).

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  04:55 PM
  41. We need a sycophantic campus Young Republican. Giovanni Ribisi? Betcha the Bush twins want to break into show biz--maybe they can share the lead when LOVE CHILD OF RADICAL SON rolls out.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  05:21 PM
  42. As required by law, you’re going to have to find a part for Edward James Olmos.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  05/04  at  05:39 PM
  43. Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson as the plucky Campus Republicans, who, after being verbally abused by anti-semitic liberal professors (Vince Vaughan as Juan Cole?) call upon grizzled old former leftist D. Ho (either Rip Torn or Rip Taylor) to heroically lecture them into fighting shape.

    D. Ho is haunted by the ghosts of his past. Specifically, Will Smith plays the ghost of Huey Newton, whom only D. Ho can see. In a stirring and tear-jerking finale, it is revealed that the ghost of Huey Newton only wants to help D. Ho with his golf swing.

    His improved golfing ability allows him to successfully lobby the state legislature to adopt his Academic Bill of Rights, which declares that all accusations of Professorial Bias are to be settled by dance-offs and/or ironic throw-backs to ‘70s cop show car chases.

    Posted by Alex  on  05/04  at  06:01 PM
  44. Could Sid and Marty Krofft come out of retirement and do the production design for the Sixties section of the film?  We could do the early years as a seriies of flashbacks in a radically different style from the rest of the film.  I’m thinking that it would kind of resemble the flashbacks in Natural Born Killers (come to think of it, one way or another, the entire project might end up resembling Natural Born Killers).

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  06:13 PM
  45. "And you know, $930,501 really goes a long way in central Pennsylvania!”

    How much is that in scrapple and maple syrup covered weiners? And is that Continental Scrip or hard cash?

    Posted by david ross mcirvine  on  05/04  at  06:14 PM
  46. We need Pierce Brosnan to play a professor. Clearly faculty are in the tax bracket Brosnan’s characters call home. I picture him in his office, reclining in an oxblood leather chair near the bay window, wearing a tux and reading the New York Times. His perky secretary comes in with a glass of cognac on large tray. “2 o’clock already?” he says as he takes a glass. She tells him Horotwits is there. “Send him in”. He goes into the walk in humidor to fetch a couple of Cubans. They settle into a couch near the other window and Pierce tells Horotwits about how pretending to be a liberal was, financially speaking, the best move he ever made. “If I ever make full professor, who knows what Ill do with all the money” he snickers as they light up.

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  06:16 PM
  47. If you bring Sid and Marty on board, you may also have the opportunity to cast Charles Nelson Reilly in the lead role. According to IMDB, he’s still working.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  05/04  at  06:20 PM
  48. Alan Rickman as DH!  (Rhys Ifans as Hitch?)—great thread, the election’s getting to me, I needed a good laugh.

    Posted by jayanne  on  05/04  at  07:05 PM
  49. "you may also have the opportunity to cast Charles Nelson Reilly in the lead role. According to IMDB, he’s still working.”

    How come they only list 2 of the 7?

    Posted by david ross mcirvine  on  05/04  at  07:26 PM
  50. norbiz and alex got me covered above-- i would suggest however that we make this a Roots style docudrama-- a six hour opus on the life and times of DaHo so that there is time to explore his involvement with the Black Panther--Ice T, Ice Cube, morphing into Chris Rock and Chris Tucker; also expanding the later years w/ DeNiro as the elder Ho after Ron Silver; and the early teen years could feature any of those folks from Nickelodean/Disney/Fox Kids. 

    Then the whole conversion experience episode opens up a plethora of directoral opportunities certainly calling for Mel Gibson to do a ‘passion of DaHo.’

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  07:31 PM
  51. I’ll be waiting big screen version of Horowitz’ life story with with bated breath!  How about McCauley Culkin as David?

    Posted by DK  on  05/04  at  08:43 PM
  52. We need Pierce Brosnan to play a professor. Clearly faculty are in the tax bracket Brosnan’s characters call home. I picture him in his office, reclining in an oxblood leather chair near the bay window, wearing a tux and reading the New York Times. His perky secretary comes in with a glass of cognac on large tray. “2 o’clock already?” he says as he takes a glass.

    Cool!  This pretty much describes my life perfectly, except of course that I’m usually blogging when the perky secretary comes in, and we can’t have Pierce Brosnan blogging.  Ixnay on the igarscay, too—Pierce should be smoking the same pipe he toted around in Mars Attacks (he was a fine, fine professor there, too—just like today’s anti-American appeaseniks, completely oblivious about the maliciousness of the enemy).  And just to make the intertextual references a bit more dense, the secretary has to be Denise Richards.  Who wants to get in touch with Ms. Richards?

    Posted by Michael  on  05/04  at  09:17 PM
  53. David Horowitz: George Lindsey
    Joseph Epstein: Jim Nabors
    Ann Coulter: Ron Howard
    Michael Berube: Frances Bavier
    Jacques Barzun: Mark Edmundson

    Posted by  on  05/04  at  09:33 PM
  54. David Horowitz: George Lindsey
    Joseph Epstein: Jim Nabors
    Ann Coulter: Ron Howard
    Michael Berube: Frances Bavier
    Jacques Barzun: Mark Edmundson

    “and Camille Paglia as… the Beaver.”

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  05/04  at  10:23 PM
  55. "SmartBoard Jungle”

    Starring:

    David Horowitz: Dom Delouise
    Sara Dugan: John Lithgow
    Barbara Streisand: Herself
    The Pirate: PZ Meyers
    The Voice of the Orca: Kiefer Sutherland
    The Young David Horowitz: Himself
    “Papa” Horowitz:  Robin Williams
    “Mama” Horowitz: Robin Williams

    “A very funny, uplifting film!” --Larry King
    “See it!” --Rex Reed
    “The sight of Robin Williams kissing the Young Horowitz (played by the apparently quite imitable David Horowitz) goodnight after has first little-league loss to the Glendale Gorditas easily passes for one of the least memorable spit-swaps in modern film, with the possible exception of Jane Wyman’s prodigal peck in 1941’s “You’re in the Army Now.” You’re in the academy now, David Horowitz.  Grab your chapstick....” --Anthony Lane

    Posted by BP  on  05/04  at  10:46 PM
  56. "Jon, your copy is in the MLA mailroom, sixth row of “publications—to go,” second shelf, three copies down from the top.”

    2, now: the MLA’s cost-cutting moves on toilet paper required I make a hetacomb of the top one.

    Posted by Sawney in the Boghouse  on  05/04  at  10:50 PM
  57. Louise, Louise.  So now I’m Aunt Bee instead of Gomer?  And you’ve lined up, to play Ann Coulter, the guy who somehow won an Oscar for Best Director (for Beautiful Mind, no less), while you’ve given my role to an actress whose career will end as the “Lady with the Cat” in Benji?  This strikes me as very strange, very strange indeed.  Tell me, Ms. Chreitzberg, what can I do to get you to focus your enmity on a more appropriate object—like, say, Mark Edmundson?

    Posted by Michael  on  05/04  at  10:54 PM
  58. Chris, are you saying that Ron Jeremy is David Horowitz with balls?

    Posted by Ron Sullivan  on  05/05  at  12:34 AM
  59. Being that D Ho is height challenged, perhaps one of the Smurfs can come out of retirement to play him. 

    Any Smurfs who fit the profile of a former Sixties radical who talks friend into joining Black Panther Party even after Leonard Bernstein figured out they were nothing but thugs by then, and after she gets killed, blames the same liberals D Ho were too right wing just a few years before?

    Hmmmm...I guess that’s too tall an order.

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  12:37 AM
  60. Doesn’t Mel Brooks have to be involved somehow?

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  01:02 AM
  61. I nominate Paul Giamatti, though it may be difficult to insure him, because we’ll have to keep his blood pressure up to astronomical levels to replicate Horowitz’s blathering, SHOU-TING! style.

    Really, I’ve seen the guy on TV- how does he NOT keel over from hyperventilation?

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  01:31 AM
  62. There you go again Dr. Michael, starting off with a quote of something he did not say.  I believe his words were something to the effect “only work 6 hours a week in class”. When you leave off the “in class” part of the citation you do a disfavor to yourself. D.H. is easily slammed for the things he says and needs not be falsly quoted to prove his jerkyhood.

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  01:42 AM
  63. WORD OF CAUTION TO DANNY DEVITO:

    If you take the lead role and learn to overact a little more, you will definitely be in contention for Best Actor. But for God’s sake lose the goatee before the acceptance speech, or you’ll be locked into that role for life.

    Posted by GForce  on  05/05  at  02:17 AM
  64. The author of Why Read? doesn’t need any help making an ass of himself.

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  05:40 AM
  65. You’re right, Skooled Gooder, I’m horribly unfair to Horowitz—“again,” as you say.  When he says “six hours a week in class,” he is always careful to point out how much time we put into class preparation.  Moreover, Horowitz always scrupulously points out that the six-hours-in-class workload pertains only to faculty who teach in one of the country’s 75 Research I institutions, where the teaching assignments are usually two courses per semester, and that professors at the other 3400 colleges teach anywhere from three to five courses per term.  Finally, David has been a national leader in fighting against the overuse of part-timers and adjuncts, who are customarily paid $1500-$2500 per course.  Thank you for setting me straight on this; I promise to quote Horowitz more accurately in the future.

    Posted by Michael  on  05/05  at  07:34 AM
  66. Oh, and Louise, when Edmundson writes, “Most of the people who do what I do now—who teach literature at colleges and universities . . . see all of literature—or at least the kind of literature that’s commonly termed canonical—as an outmoded form.  It’s been surpassed by theory, or rendered obsolete with the passage of time.  To quote [William Carlos] Williams on the value of poetry, without suitable condescension, at the next meeting of the Modern Language Association would be to invite no end of ridicule,” I suspect there’s a little anxiety of influence going on.  In that genre, as you’re probably aware, it’s not enough to profess your undying love of literature; you are also required to denounce all the people who do not love literature as deeply as you do.  And just for the record, I love literature three times as much as Mark Edmundson does.

    Posted by Michael  on  05/05  at  08:02 AM
  67. I saw Craig Wasson, who played the lead in Brian DePalma’s Body Double, witnessing on the 700 Club once; if he hasn’t gone a-backsliding, he’d be perfect as the arch-nemesis Prof Berube.

    If this happens and it undoes my twenty-something years of struggling to overcome the acrobatic sex scene with Alice Krige in Ghost Story, I can’t be held responsible. Just saying.

    I can’t believe no-one has mentioned Wallace Shawn. Possibly in full ferengi makeup.

    Although there are rumors that he ate with a french guy once…

    Posted by julia  on  05/05  at  08:56 AM
  68. Seems too, that we should cast Marjoe Gortner in some small supporting role. But who should he play?

    Posted by Roxanne  on  05/05  at  09:05 AM
  69. "Seems too, that we should cast Marjoe Gortner in some small supporting role. But who should he play? “

    Generic, tense, strung-out product of 60s left-wing radicalism.  A “there but for the grace of God go I” character.

    He could show DHo’s compassionate side.  He tries to straighten him out.  He offers him a job colating right-wing manifestoes and gets betrayed...with pie.

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  09:20 AM
  70. Oh no. We forgot Johnny Depp. He’s GOTTA play Michael!

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  09:34 AM
  71. Darryl Plant- as a fellow Reed alumnus, I was shocked at that “pity-the-poor conservatives” alumni magazine article.  Gay Monteverde, the author, is a freelance writer and playwright in Portland, with no apparent Reed connection and no sign of right-wing leanings.  So who commissioned this thing?

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  09:55 AM
  72. Oooh! Ooooh! I got it! Phyllis Dillar plays David Horowitz!

    For the voice in his head, i suggest Porky Pig! “Oh, da Howha-witz!”

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  10:03 AM
  73. "Darryl Plant- as a fellow Reed alumnus, I was shocked at that “pity-the-poor conservatives” alumni magazine article.  Gay Monteverde, the author, is a freelance writer and playwright in Portland, with no apparent Reed connection and no sign of right-wing leanings.  So who commissioned this thing?”

    I go back to the days of our old “REED COLLEGE QUEST: communism/atheism/free love” t-shirt days (circa 1974, and I hear they brought them back later).

    Are those things still around? I liked the subtle ones where the Big 3 Principles were in little letters.

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  10:44 AM
  74. JR:

    Google “Gay Monteverde” and you get not only her children’s theater connections but also several references to writing she’s done for the Army Corps of Engineers, including one listing defense contracts over a period of 4 years (2001-2004) that total over $250,000 (http://www.governmentcontractswon.com/department/defense/contractors149.asp).

    As a some-time writer myself, I know you’ve got to go where the money is (I wish my own freelance work had pulled in over $60K/year), and simply writing for the government isn’t proof of any bias. But I do wonder how that article came to be. Was it assigned? Did the author approach Reed? If it’s the latter, what was the impetus?

    Posted by darrelplant  on  05/05  at  10:47 AM
  75. Ridiculous discussion.  Who but John Lovitz could really do the part justice?

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  11:09 AM
  76. This thread exemplifies precisely why Pierce Brosnan is the only reasonable, if somewhat repellent choice.

    Posted by Jack  on  05/05  at  11:58 AM
  77. And so goes the infinite perpetuation of the DH meme on this blog.  He should really thank you.  He already has his supporting cast all lined up and in action.  Talk about free labor.  When are you going to send him the bill?

    Am I the only one stopped at the first sentence of the Chronicle article? 

    ... is waging a one-man war.

    There’s no need for a supporting cast here.  A simple megalomaniac monologue will do.

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  12:07 PM
  78. Yes, Mel Brooks does have to be involved somehow. He could play the triumphant Horowitz of the future, reminiscing for admiring throngs of young folks about how he saved America from wealthy, amoral lit professors. Pity Don Adams is no longer with us (Would you believe...Katie Couric and Amiri Baraka?) But only one performer has the range and complexity to bring Hitchens to life. Barry Humphries as Dame Edna Everage.

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  12:41 PM
  79. Can’t believe nobody has mentioned the obvious--D Ho. should be played by Carrot Top.

    Posted by DocMara  on  05/05  at  12:58 PM
  80. new weekend contest proposal.. unless this is an old idea in which case emily latella said it best… or maybe steve martin?

    pop songs with a title word the same head to head..
    Ruby Tuesday or Tuesday afternoon??

    mostly because for some reason i thought today was tuesday and started singing it in the shower..

    could Rob Reiner director DaHo as a drama??

    Posted by  on  05/05  at  01:10 PM
  81. Well, don’t you PA State-*Affiliated* professors all suck.  wink LOL Yes, there is a distinction between PA State Universities and the state-Affiliated universities.  A BIIGG difference....

    My husband was a prof in the SSHE for 40 years, and he didn’t make diddly doo; he retired a couple of years ago.  He’d love to have the pension that he’d get if he made what that dildo thinks all profs make.  Gimme a shovel. 

    And I vote for Frank N. Furter to play Horrorwack.

    Posted by Moi ;)  on  05/05  at  10:41 PM
  82. This isn’t entirely germaine to the thread, but I was just thinking that I’d enjoy seeing Horowitz in Rogerian analysis. Really annoying Rogerian analysis: “Um-hmm. Tell me more about ‘three times as much money’.” “I see. And how else are you like Trotsky?”

    It might make a nice framing device for the movie.

    Posted by HP  on  05/06  at  12:07 PM
  83. Warwick Davis as Michael Berube, of course.

    Because he’s so short.

    Gary Coleman as David Horowitz?

    Gary Cole?
    “Yeeaahhh...I’m gonna have to ask you to go ahead and, uh, hire more righties...yeaahhhh...”

    Personally, I think at this point, we need to do a Todd Solondz-type deal with Horowitz played in each scene by a different actor.

    Funniest thread I’ve read in a long time.

    Posted by  on  05/08  at  04:59 AM

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