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The Attack on Halloween

Fox News celebrity and political commentator Bill O’Reilly lashed out today at Christian conservatives’ “attack on Halloween,” ascribing it to “a bunch of religious fanatics who don’t understand what America is all about.”

“For crying out loud,” O’Reilly said to one caller on his nationally-syndicated radio program, The Radio Factor, “Americans have always loved Halloween.  Many of the Founding Fathers called it their favorite holiday.  Benjamin Franklin himself frequently conversed with legions of the undead on All Hallow’s Eve, and every year Thomas Jefferson couldn’t wait to dress up as a vampire and burn pentangles into the lawn at Monticello.  It’s a historical fact.”

O’Reilly was particularly incensed at a recent decision of the state supreme court of Mississippi, holding that the establishment clause of the First Amendment prevents schools and courthouses from displaying Wiccan artifacts and statements of principles.  “The First Amendment guarantees freedom of religion, not freedom from religion,” O’Reilly thundered at one caller who had called to support the Mississippi court’s decision.  “Wicca is a perfectly peaceful, natural belief system that should be promoted in every public square in the United States.  That’s the kind of America we need to see today, and no activist judge should stand in our way.”

In Paducah, Kentucky, where a display of flesh-eating zombies was recently removed from the front lawn of the Municipal Building, citizens rallied in support of paganism, demon worship, and equal rights for residents of the spirit world.  “What’s wrong with a simple celebration of the one night on which flesh-eating zombies can freely roam the earth?” asked Paducah city commissioner Robert “Bud” Novak.  “Flesh-eating zombies are central to our way of life; they’re the basis of our country’s founding documents.  We as Americans are endowed with inalienable rights by flesh-eating zombies, and we think it’s only right to honor those zombies here at the Municipal Building.”

O’Reilly applauded the citizens of Paducah for standing up to what he called “the Christian reign of terror in America.” “If these people had their way,” O’Reilly said, “they’d banish every form of pagan worship from the land, and they’d ban half the books and movies our kids have grown to love.  It’s time to stand up to these bullies, and stand up for witches, ghouls, and undead-Americans everywhere.  And I say to any flesh-eating zombies who might be listening to the Factor this evening: Bill O’Reilly is looking out for you.”

Posted by on 10/31 at 02:29 PM
  1. (Must find global “search and replace” key...)

    Posted by Linkmeister  on  10/31  at  03:37 PM
  2. Hey, how long has Tom Burka been guest-blogging here?

    Posted by The One True Blogger  on  10/31  at  04:24 PM
  3. Bwah-ha-ha-ha!  (That’s both a scary laugh *and* an appreciative laugh.)

    Posted by Dr. Virago  on  10/31  at  05:18 PM
  4. Excellent!!!! I’m thinking of rigging up the back of a pick-up truck with a traveling Halloween display of flesh eating zombies (in a pinch some of my law students might make plausible substitutes) and parking near the State House.  And I’ll loudly proclaim HAPPY HALLOWEEN and you better not wish me a “Pleasant Nocturnal Festival Celebrating Multicultural Manifestations of the Undead” if you expect me to give you any candy.

    Posted by Ann Bartow  on  10/31  at  05:20 PM
  5. And I’m thinking of establishing a Right To Be Undead organization and see if we can get us some Supremes nominated by current zombie in the WH.

    Posted by  on  10/31  at  05:38 PM
  6. And here I was just asking myself, “Who’s protecting the interests of flesh-eating zombies?”

    Thanks, Michael.

    Posted by  on  10/31  at  06:01 PM
  7. Damn.  I didn’t figure it out until I got to the flesh eating zombies.  (We have a stuffy of a flesh eating bacterium, but no zombies.)

    MKK

    Posted by  on  10/31  at  07:18 PM
  8. Program on the emergence of civilization.

    “14 species of large animals capable of domesitcation in the history of mankind.
    13 from Europe, Asia and northern Africa.
    None from the sub-Saharan African continent. “
    Favor.
    And disfavor.

    They point out Africans’ failed attempts to domesticate the elephant and zebra, the latter being an animal they illustrate that had utmost importance for it’s applicability in transformation from a hunting/gathering to agrarian-based civilization.

    The roots of racism are not of this earth.

    Austrailia, aboriginals:::No domesticable animals.

    The North American continent had none.  Now 99% of that population is gone.

    AIDS in Africa.

    Organizational Heirarchy
    Heirarchical order, from top to bottom:

    1. MUCK - perhaps have experienced multiple universal contractions (have seen multiple big bangs), creator of the artificial intelligence humans ignorantly refer to as “god”
    2. Perhaps some mid-level alien management
    3. Evil/disfavored aliens - runs day-to-day operations here and perhaps elsewhere

    Terrestrial management:

    4. Chinese/egyptians - this may be separated into the eastern and western worlds
    5. Romans - they answer to the egyptians
    6. Mafia - the real-world interface that constantly turns over generationally so as to reinforce the widely-held notion of mortality
    7. Jews, corporation, women, politician - Evidence exisits to suggest mafia management over all these groups.

    Movies foreshadowing catastrophy
    1985 James Bond View to a Kill 1989 San Francisco Loma Prieta earthquake.

    Many Muslims are being used like the Germans and Japanese of WWII::being used to hurt others and envoke condemnation upon their people.

    Our society gives clues to the system in place. We all have heard the saying “He has more money than god.” There is also an episode of the Simpsons where god meets Homer and says “I’m too old and rich for this.”

    This is the system on earth because this is the system everywhere.
    god is evil because of money.

    I don’t want to suggest the upper eschelons are evil and good is the fringe.

    But they have made it abundantly clear that doing business with evil (disfavored) won’t help people. They say only good would have the ear, since evil is struggling for survival, and therefore only the favored could help me.

    The clues are there which companies are favored and which are disfavored, market domination being one clue, but they conceal it very hard because it is so crucial.

    I offer an example of historical proportions:::

    People point to Walmart and cry “anti-union”.

    Unions enable disfavored people to live satisfactorly without addressing their disfavor. This way their family’s problems are never resolved. Without the union they would have to accept the heirarchy, their own inferiority.

    Unions serve to empower.

    Walmart is anti-union because they are good. They try to help people address and resolve their problems.

    Media ridicule and lawsuits are creations to reinforce people’s belief that Walmart is evil (disfavored).

    The middle class is being deceived.  They are being misled into the unfavored, and subsequently will have no hope.

    Amercia is a country of castoffs, rejects.  Italy sent its criminals. Malcontents.
    Between the thrones, the klans and kindred, they “decided” who they didn’t want and acted, creating discontent and/or starvation.
    The u.s. is full of disfavored rejects.  As far as the Rockafellers and other industrialists of the 19th century go, I suspect these aren’t their real names.  I suspect they were chosen to go and head this new empire.

    Jesus Christ is a religious figure of evil.  These seperatist churches formed so they could still capture the rest of the white people, keeping them worshipping the wrong god.
    And now they do it to people of color, Latinos and Asians, after centuries of preying upon them. 

    Since Buddism doesn’t recongnize a god, the calls are never heard, and Chinese representation is instead selected by the thrones.
    It was set up this way.  Perhaps dyanstic thrones had a say, but maybe not.
    Budda was the Asian’s Jesus Christ::: bad for the people.  “They came up at the same time for a reason.”

    Simpson’s foreshadowing::Helloween IV special, Flanders is Satan. “Last one you ever suspect.”
    “You’ll see lots of nuns where you’re going:::hell!!!” St. Wigham, Helloween VI, missionary work, destroying cultures.
    Over and over, the Simpsons was a source of education and enlightenment, a target of ridicule by the system which wishes to conceal its secrets.

    Jews maim the body formed in the image of “god”, and inflicted circumsision upon all other white people, as well as the evil that is Jesus Christ.  I believe Islam is the one true religion, and those misled christians and cooperating Jews who attack “god’s” most favored people will pay for it dearly one day.

    Posted by  on  10/31  at  09:53 PM
  9. What the hell-o-ween was that?

    Posted by  on  10/31  at  10:33 PM
  10. Wow. I really needed that.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  11/01  at  12:20 AM
  11. Was there not also a Z (is for Zombie) Society resident in Jefferson’s Academical Village at the University of Virginia?  Did not these same Zombies chant with their other undead minions “Wahoo Wah?”

    Posted by The Heretik  on  11/01  at  10:34 AM
  12. I’m::::confused.

    Posted by Orange  on  11/01  at  12:00 PM
  13. Huh?

    Posted by  on  11/01  at  01:00 PM
  14. Wow. Before that person with borderline personality disorder posted, I was just going to mention that—true story—I got an email from a colleague in India last Friday who signed off with “Happy Holidays!” I guess it’s sort of an all-purpose Diwali/Hallowe’en/Dios de los Muertos greeting nowadays.

    And isn’t Canadian Thanksgiving coming up soon? Or did I miss it again?

    Posted by HP  on  11/01  at  01:24 PM
  15. Missed it.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  11/01  at  01:32 PM
  16. Oh HP, you forgot Eid. Why must you all leave Eid behind? wink

    Posted by  on  11/01  at  05:35 PM
  17. Now I have heard it all.

    Posted by  on  11/15  at  02:01 AM
  18. I guess these crazy Christians don’t celebrate Christmas?  If they do, they be some major hypocrites.

    Posted by  on  10/31  at  10:20 AM
  19. Advance Merry Christmas to all.

    Posted by Ohio Craft Shows  on  12/05  at  01:57 AM

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