Because there simply isn’t enough wingnuttery to go around the Internets these days (Sadly, No! having laid its claim to the musings of military strategist Lt. Col. Dafyydd ab Hugh), I decided to check out the National Review’s kinda brand new group blog devoted solely to academe: Phi Beta Cons.
What are Phi Beta Cons, you ask? Well, I think there are two interpretive possibilities. The first stresses the “Phi Beta” part, in order to suggest that unlike the merely “Crunchy Cons” of Rod Dreher’s organic home-schooled Birkenstocked-Burkean gemeinschaft utopia, these Cons are extra bonus special smart. The blog itself, however, fails to bear out that interpretation, which leaves us with the absurd but inescapable second possibility that we are dealing with Phi Beta Convicts.
Much of the Tappa Kegga Cons blog is garden-variety culture-war hockey and hackery, but if you’re scouting for talent, the breakout star so far has to be National Association of Scholars president Stephen Balch. On April 14, Balch took to the keyboard to complain about what he called Penn State’s “School of Politeness”:
Penn State’s biggest rhetorical guns have been pounding its College Republicans. Until firing commenced, the CR’s “Illegal Immigrant Awareness Day”, planned for April 19th, was to feature an exercise entitled the “Catch an Illegal Immigrant Game”. “It’s evident why many people would find this program offensive” said Terrell Jones, vice provost for educational equity. Although “protected by the First Amendment” the approach initially proposed “was unproductive and offensive to many”, echoed university president Graham B. Spanier. “Penn State is committed to ensuring respect for the dignity of all individuals within the university family”, added Vicky Triponey, vice president for university affairs. The campus GOP scrapped plans for the “game”, though not the event.
The pretended collaring of sweated labor may make for tactless play, but where was this overkill last November when members of the State College Peace Center gathered with placards reading “Drive Out the Bush Regime”, “Impeach them all”, and showing the president’s face behind prison bars?
Some people are offended by “Catch an Illegal Immigrant,” some people are offended by calls to impeach the President. True enough. It takes all kinds to make a world! But the “Catch an Illegal Immigrant Game” was, as it happens, conceptually flawed, since the College Republicans did not have the presence of mind to deploy a Business-Friendly Branch of the chapter to employ the illegal immigrants at Wal-Mart once they were caught. More to the point, however, someone really ought to point out to poor, addled Mr. Balch that Penn State does indeed treat its students differently than it treats local groups (like, say, the State College Peace Center) who have no affiliation to Penn State, and who, last we checked, were still permitted freedom of assembly by an official government document of some kind.
Six days later, Mr, Balch appeared again, this time to sound the alarums that the Modern Language Association’s language map is in fact a critical component of a remarkable anti-American scheme:
The Modern Language Association has rolled out a new device to persuade Americans of their lack of peoplehood.
Whoa! Check it out, non-people!
A recently revamped, interactive “Language Map” displays state-by-state, county-by-county, and zip-code-by-zip-code, answers to the census question, “Does this person speak a language other than English at home?” All the user need do is plug in a language—there are 300 to choose from—and select a location. A map then appears, say a state divided into counties, with the counties distinguished by a color code indicating the percentage of various language speakers located therein.
This map is so nasty and so anti-peoplehood! But wait—there’s more nastiness yet to come!
The map design contains elements that could mislead the unwary about the degree of America’s linguistic fragmentation. The color code, for example, is not used consistently language by language. With respect to English speakers, the dark red indicating the highest degree of concentration only kicks in when the level reaches 94.11%. For Spanish speakers it does so at 61.88%. For Greek speakers at 0.678%.
That is just incredibly sneaky. In fact, if I’m reading these statistics correctly, the Greeks are more than 90 times sneakier than the Spanish! And who knows when the dark red level kicks in for the really dangerous anti-American languages?
As Balch points out, to get to the actual truth you have to . . . um, you have to click the mouse:
The map will tell you, if you care to press for “more detailed information”, how many of these foreign language speakers also speak English well—a fact which changes initial impressions considerably. At first glance, my home town of Princeton, New Jersey has 14.03% of its population listed as foreign language speakers—quite counterintuitive to a resident. But only about a fourth of these admit to not speaking English well, or to not speaking it at all. The figures for Los Angeles County suggest that 57.83% of the population aren’t English speakers. Yet upon searching through “the details,” it turns out that the figure is actually about 19%.
Let’s hope that high-school students doing their prescribed multiculturalism research pay close attention.
Yes, let’s! We can’t have ordinary people thinking that Princeton is the kind of college town that has so many multilingual professors and graduate students that they make up one-seventh of the population. And let’s hope those high-school students in their multiculturalist boot camps are reading the invaluable Phi Beta Con blog, so that they will learn how to use this map correctly!
But hey kids, wait until Stephen Balch finds out how much furren fluoride the MLA has slipped into his very own drinking water. Let’s just say that the figure of 14.03% would be, uh, quite counterintuitive.
I had a weeklong campaign where I emailed MastaBetaCons assorted snark daily. For my money, Anthony Dick (real name) is the diddlingest one of the bunch. My favorite rant (http://phibetacons.nationalreview.com/archives/092471.asp) offers this choiceness:
“The Larry Summers flap, the Ward Churchill affair, and the ceaseless rantings of campus radicals nationwide have made a strong case in recent years that so many humanities departments are nothing more than sheltered dens of anti-Americanism that contribute a mere shadow of the value that they once did. Having moved away from the great books of the Western canon, liberal-arts education has become an empty shell of its former self. The rising tide of postmodernism has brought a de-emphasis of critical thinking in favor of pretentiousness and attitudinizing.”
Sheltered dens? Shadow of the value? Empty shell of its former self? Brought a de-emphasis? I really wonder how Dick and Dick’s ilk seriously claim the authority to offer opinions about higher education, since they don’t display much evidence that they’ve ever seen it at work.Posted by on 04/26 at 06:40 PM
Of all the things to get hung up on (and since I’m taking a break from mowing the lawn--it’s biggish, or largesque, enough for me to take a break), I’m marveling at the “prescribed multiculturalism research” that high schoolers are apparently doing. Is Balch a) frustrated that students might have to learn about the rest of the world, or b) frustrated that students might have to learn about American history?
Either way, I’d love to see the evidence of the “prescribed multiculturalism research” my students are doing, as when one student responds to the character of Jim in <i>The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn<i> by saying, “Black people didn’t really resist slavery,” and no student counters the claim.
captcha: leave. Okay, back to the lawn.Posted by Crazy Little Thing on 04/26 at 06:53 PM
Maybe Balch is the one responsible for the latest video game craze to hit the internets.Posted by Lance on 04/26 at 07:03 PM
Sheltered dens? Shadow of the value? Empty shell of its former self?
Don’t forget that “rising tide.” I don’t think Anthony Dick is a real person. I think the Master Blaster Cons got themselves one of those Automated Cliché Generators.Posted by Michael on 04/26 at 07:16 PM
But hey kids, wait until Stephen Balch finds out how much furren fluoride the MLA has slipped into his very own drinking water.
We must protect the essence and purity of our vital fluids.Posted by Mark Earnest on 04/26 at 07:25 PM
I am curious, what if my local multiculture pharmacy chooses not to fill the research prescription for my teenager??? What am i to do then??
Would it be okay if i recommended that he offer up statistics that may or may not contain errors in order to draw conclusions and finish the damn project?
as the captcha word suggests, “neither” of these two posts by Balch seem to represent the brightest and best of that particular lineage of academe.Posted by on 04/26 at 08:29 PM
Slipping furren flouride into Stephen’s drinking water, fine, I’ve got no problem with it. If someone’s slipping furren lead in there, that’s uncalled for. Please, for everyone’s sake, stop.Posted by on 04/26 at 09:09 PM
Now, why do the phi beta cons hate this map-I think it’s way cool!! f’rinstance it shows that there are between 3 and 297 Gujarathi speakers here in North DakotaPosted by on 04/26 at 09:19 PM
Okay, is it the shot of whiskey in my milk that is making that all not make sense, or is this guy just going bonkers over good old multilingual multigenerational immigrant families, and should we try to keep him away from that part of Cambridge which is the Portuguese/Brazilian equivalent of what the North End used to be for Italians, for his own sake?
(Admittedly, I’m prejudiced because I grew up in a semi-multilingual family where people had learned other languages by being stationed in furren parts by Uncle Sam, and where a lot of our friends were conservative European intellectuals who spoke English-and at home.)Posted by bellatrys on 04/26 at 09:28 PM
Oh, and nobody slipped the shot of whiskey in my milk; I did that myself.
(captcha word: “poor” - stop reminding me! I’m being virtuous and being happy that M. Berube got to go to Cambridge instead of jealous, but it’s a struggle...)Posted by bellatrys on 04/26 at 09:30 PM
Cambridge? Who got to go to Cambridge? I was in Canterbury, and I had to wait until the age of 44 to get my sorry self to England at all. And did I mention that I grew up in a parking lot?
But the whiskey in the milk is a good idea. Helps protect one’s purity of essence.Posted by Michael on 04/26 at 10:45 PM
I grew up on a road. Every morning our dad would get us out of bed at 3 AM and we had to lick the road clean with our tongues, eat a handful of freezing cold gravel, and work 20 hours a day at the mill. If we were lucky!Posted by on 04/26 at 11:20 PM
Luxury!Posted by Michael on 04/26 at 11:24 PM
Having moved away from the great books of the Western canon, liberal-arts education has become an empty shell of its former self. The rising tide of postmodernism has brought a de-emphasis of critical thinking in favor of pretentiousness and attitudinizing.
So, what, if everybody just sat down and gave The Duchess of Malfi a read we’d all turn back into stolid, common-sensical, salt-of-the-earth types?Posted by on 04/26 at 11:30 PM
I thought the attack on the language map was quite characteristic—there’s a whole wingnut cottage industry of attacking the Bureau of the Census and its data products, which permit the examination of so many inconvenient realities. Plus the very non-cottage-industry, serious Republican electoral fraud, of course. Remember the sampling controversy?Posted by on 04/26 at 11:44 PM
So nice to see that the Tinkerbell/Clap Louder Theory of Warfare is being exported from Iraq and applied to the Kulturkampf against multilingualism. To even acknowledge the existence of Portuguese speakers is to be objectively pro-lusophone. The MLA should produce a single map of the USA. It should be colored like an American flag. And it should be labelled “ENGLISH ONLY” in big letters across the map itself. “Further information” should be classified.Posted by on 04/27 at 03:29 AM
It’s nice to know these Phi Betes can’t tell the difference between speaking a foreign language at home and not speaking English.
You know, I knew my Phi Beta Kappa key wasn’t worth much, but at least when they gave it to me, learning a foreign language was one of the requirements.Posted by David Moles on 04/27 at 04:27 AM
So, what, if everybody just sat down and gave The Duchess of Malfi a read we’d all turn back into stolid, common-sensical, salt-of-the-earth types?
Sean, I too initially thought The Duchess of Malfi might be the text that could restore our lost heteronormative, all-is-as-it-seems paradisical reality. But then I realized, it’s about a woman, and we don’t want to look like we’re kow-towing to them (though if pressed I would make an exception for “My Last Duchess"--that duke is totally going to murder his next duchess, just like the last one!). And anyway, by the time The Duchess of Malfi was written, the tide of postmodernism was rising. Hell, we’d probably have to go all the way back to Chaucer to find the kind of men-are-men-and-geldyings-are-geldyings-and-mares-are-mares type stuff we’re looking for.
Speaking of Chaucer: Michael, my girlfriend was wondering why on earth she should keep dating an impoverished English grad student (fair enough, methinks) so I told her one day when I’m a rock star I’ll bring her along on those subsidized trips and showed her yesterday’s post as a picture of things to come. I think it worked cos she was willing to buy my dinner. So many thanks.Posted by on 04/27 at 04:32 AM
Sorry, that’s what posting while semi-sozzled will do - Cambridge, Canterbury, both start with C’s and have A’s, B’s and R’s in them.
But the whiskey in the milk is a good idea. Helps protect one’s purity of essence.
Also, if you put nutmeg and cinnamon in, that plus the milk will help disguise the fact that you can’t tell the diff between really cheap booze and lighter fluid...
And hey, didn’t you guys go to France not too long ago? I should have gone on to grad school, dagnabbit.Posted by bellatrys on 04/27 at 08:02 AM
Hell, we’d probably have to go all the way back to Chaucer to find the kind of men-are-men-and-geldyings-are-geldyings-and-mares-are-mares type stuff we’re looking for.
Nope, D.B. You’re forgetting the Pardoner! He’s a queer one, he is. No, for manly men we have to go further back—Chaucer’s already too postmodern. I say we stick with the classic classics, like the Symposium.
One day when I’m a rock star I’ll bring her along on those subsidized trips and showed her yesterday’s post as a picture of things to come.
Cool! Show her the basket of goodies they gave me in the luxury lounge, too—the Patek Philippe watch was an especially nice touch. Actually, I bought my plane ticket myself, and stayed in a cinderblock dorm at the University of Kent. But don’t tell your girlfriend that part. (As it happened, I really liked my little room. And my hosts were wonderful. The coffee and tea were quite good, too.)
And Ben Alpers: Pro-lusophone? Whassat? Is that one of those furren words? You can just keep your inscrutable anti-peoplehood jargon off this English-lovin’ blog. Though I like the “American flag” idea. I’ll pass it along to the MLA’s Master Map Manipulators.
You know, I knew my Phi Beta Kappa key wasn’t worth much, but at least when they gave it to me, learning a foreign language was one of the requirements.
Well, David, there’s the difference between the Phi Beta Cons and the Objectively Pro-Lusitania Liberal Elite who gave you that “key.” Listen, if English was good enough for the King James Bible, it should be good enough for you.
didn’t you guys go to France not too long ago?
Two summers ago, bellatrys, and we’re goin’ back again for a week in July. Though we found out last time that the Francians don’t even speak English, so Jamie’s been taking French this year in seventh grade. He lights up central Pennsylvania on the MLA’s “secret further information” map every time he says “Je m’appelle Jamie” at the dinner table. See for yourself! He’s right there.Posted by Michael on 04/27 at 08:20 AM
Penn State does indeed treat its students differently than it treats local groups (like, say, the State College Peace Center) who have no affiliation to Penn State, and who, last we checked, were still permitted freedom of assembly by an official government document of some kind.
That language is confusing. Did you mean that administrators have the authority to comment on student behaviors that they wouldn’t with local groups not affiliated with campus or that they’d have the authority to censor student groups, an authority they wouldn’t have with non-campus groups?
If it’s the latter, I disagree. Neither of us is a lawyer, but I suspect judges are going to apply the same narrowly-tailored requirement of speech restrictions to a Penn State student-affairs office as they would to any other public agency, even if they agreed there was a legitimate state interest at stake in the content of student speech. Then there are the nonlegal questions, of whether it’s right, a good use of time, or politically wise for administrators to do anything other than criticize craven ideas expressed in speech (my answer on all of them: no). But since your language wasn’t clear, I’m hoping you’ll clarify.Posted by Sherman Dorn on 04/27 at 08:28 AM
No one censored the College Republicans, Sherman, so the short answer is (a), administrators have the right to comment on student behavior. And here’s an update. I learned last night while taking part in a debate about “academic freedom” (really, about campus civility and student speech, which is what most people think “academic freedom” means) for Penn State TV that the College Republicans are now claiming that it is inappropriate for administrators to comment on their actions. Once again, it appears, the First Amendment shields conservatives from criticism, as the Founders intended.Posted by Michael on 04/27 at 09:23 AM
Does it annoy conservative pundits that they have to come up with such ridiculous things to whine about? We liberals get institutionalised torture, kidnapping and illegal wiretapping to work us up into a lather, whereas they have to dig up innocuous academic studies and parasitic pinheads like Prof Bérubé. It must be very frustrating.Posted by on 04/27 at 09:30 AM
Oh boy, National Review self-labelling. The 2006 equivalent of fake AOL profiles in 1996.Posted by norbizness on 04/27 at 09:42 AM
Michael, are these Phi Beatans merely a specific strain of the “Body Betans” who occupy the bodies of unsuspecting Conservatives and who can only be removed through rigorous “audits”? If so, I think we have an answer to their bizarre non sequiturs and publicity hound behavior.
Is John Travolta a member of this group?Posted by DocMara on 04/27 at 10:01 AM
How dare those Frenchies not speak good ol’ Americanese? It’s outrageous - the depths to which people expecting tolerance of multiculturalism everywhere have sunk!
I say we stick with the classic classics, like the Symposium.
Someone tried to make that subtextual point to Harvey Mansfield the other night when he came to speak in my neighborhood. (Alas, it wasn’t me - too many people, not enough question-time.) You can hear him waffle around that delicate point via podcast here, assuming anyone wants to hear a Straussian Sophist sophiling away.
(And I still wanna know why he gets paid to do this. A trained mynah bird could cheep “Plato, Aristotle, thymos, Tocqueville, manliness!” and replace him.)Posted by bellatrys on 04/27 at 11:17 AM
In response to jpj’s comment, I’d like to note that s/he had it easy. In my family we grew up in a hole in the road and had to get up before we went to bed.Posted by on 04/27 at 12:32 PM
Having moved away from the great books of the Western canon, liberal-arts education has become an empty shell of its former self. The rising tide of postmodernism has brought a de-emphasis of critical thinking in favor of pretentiousness and attitudinizing.
I have to wonder how those who claim to have succeeded so well during their university days (Phi Masta Beta alpha to omega etcetera), were able to do so given their obvious distaste for the education they claim they received. Either they are lying about their actual successes, or they are rebuking it because would have preferred to stay ignorant.
Now that you “bring” (captcha) it up, i was the ripe young age of 37 when Red Dawn came out, 22 years ago.Posted by on 04/27 at 12:49 PM
When I hear “Phi Beta Con” I think of this image. See especially the caption at the bottom. I think there’s an excellent Photoshopping opportunity here for anyone with them skillz.Posted by on 04/27 at 02:23 PM
I think the “prescribed multiculturalism research” may be a thing of the past.
According to the vivacious and charming Mr. Brooks in today’s Times, multiculturalism (and feminism and such) is no longer “vibrant;” the new Big Idea is that “we’re all in it together.” I love it when big thoughts are thunk.
Food for thought, anyway. Porridge, oatmeal, without salsa.Posted by on 04/27 at 02:39 PM
I think we might formulate the answer to Sherman’s question another way:
Administrators need not comment on groups that are unaffiliated with the university. The BetaCons (haven’t we had enough “ - cons” of late?) are implying that there is bias in responding to the CRs while not responding to the SCPCs. And indeed there is - only it’s bias toward dealing with matters that are actually related to thier institution (herafter referred to as minding thier own business) and not political bias, as the BetaCons (hereafter referred to as those incapable of making a solid intellectual argument) are trying to claim.Posted by on 04/27 at 02:45 PM
And yes, I have trouble spelling…
Curse you, Microsoft Word!!Posted by on 04/27 at 02:51 PM
i don’t know about you, Brian, but i can never get enough of “all mod cons.”Posted by on 04/27 at 03:27 PM
Thanks for clarifying, Michael; the reference to first-amendment rights didn’t quite make sense in that context, and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t misreading.
Brian, all I cared about was distinguishing between comments and action. Administrators can comment all they want on student activities up to the point of threatening action in response to what students say, and both they and faculty in many ways have the responsibility to do so where they think they can make students think. They’re also allowed to comment on unaffiliated groups. (After all, you can’t have a major universities without Hare Krishnas or Club for Growthers [language mavens: is that better as Clubbers for Growth?] chanting at the main entrance.) I’ve been swamped by end-of-semester stuff and haven’t kept track of the doings on Penn State’s campus. Besides, its being the source of many messengers of bad news for Florida, meteorologists, makes me a bit allergic to even thinking about College Park.
In short, I was motivated less by deep knowledge than confusion about that short passage and the reference to first-amendment rights.Posted by Sherman Dorn on 04/27 at 04:25 PM
"Catch an Illegal Immigrant"--
“Yesterday Richard Stana of the Government Accountability Office told a House panel that under the Bush administration workplace enforcement of immigration violations had fallen sharply. For instance, consider the numbers of employers who received formal letters warning about possible fines for violating immigration laws:
Under Clinton in 1999: 417 employers
Under Bush in 2003: 3 employers”
And this is from Michelle Malkin!! http://michellemalkin.com/immigration/2005/06/22/01:45.pm
Also see the Wash Times:
“The Department of Homeland Security has allowed thousands of employers to hire millions of illegal aliens because of a lack of funding, manpower and commitment to solve the problem, a House subcommittee was told yesterday.”
Someone should tell the College Republicans: it takes a Democrat to catch an illegal immigrant.Posted by on 04/27 at 05:05 PM
I’ve been swamped by end-of-semester stuff and haven’t kept track of the doings on Penn State’s campus.
And what doings we’ve done lately! I can’t keep track of them either. For the record, though, it’s State College, not some weak-ass college-town name like “College Park” or “College Station.”
And JR: not only did Clinton catch him some illegal immigrants, he also reminded the INS what the “N” stands for.Posted by Michael on 04/27 at 05:16 PM
Why do Edu-Cons insist so much on the value of a good bracing dose of Greeks, Romans, Shakespeare, and such “canonical” thinkers as they happen to have heard of, at least in the Classics Comics Illustrated version? I don’t know what you young whippersnappers are pretending to study now, but in my day we sloughed off to the very oldies but goodies the Edu-Cons have been pimping. And guess what? We got our eeevul lib’rul ideas FROM THEM. Well, not quite. Those of you of a certain age may remember James Simon Kunen’s “The Strawberry Statement” about the late-’60’s unrest at Columbia. At one point, young Kunen is writing a letter (!) to his father explaining why he is doing what he is doing and citing approved canonical authors dutifully taught in Columbia’s Contemp Civ sections. Then he realizes that his real philosophical inspiration was Fess Parker as Davey Crockett, telling someone (coonskin cap and all) that you just have to figger out what’s right and stand up fer it. The old fascist Uncle Walt as incubator of campus radicals. (Completely off point, Parker now makes some very good wines.)
Someone better equipped than I should write something about the silliness of Edu-Cons pushing engagement with canonical authors as some kind of antidote to unsuitable ideas.Posted by on 04/27 at 06:29 PM
State College, College Park, College Station, feh. When Penn State moves to Stockton, then I’ll be impressed. But that’s about as likely as Fox News pundit switching jobs to ...
Oh, well. Start packing!Posted by Sherman Dorn on 04/27 at 11:28 PM
No, for manly men we have to go further back—Chaucer’s already too postmodern. I say we stick with the classic classics, like the Symposium.
Perhaps we don’t have to go back quite that far. Aelfric’s “Edmund, King and Martyr” might do the trick. After all, Edmund was beset by Vikings and shot through with arrows, just as poor contemporary conservatives within the academy are beset by “post-modernists” (direct linear descendants of Hingwar and Hubba one and all) and, while not shot through with arrows, exposed to all other varieties of unpleasantness.Posted by on 04/27 at 11:51 PM
There’s someting deeply suspicious about a “Modern Language Association,” right? As though one language were as good as another. And maps, Godless heathen maps!Posted by on 04/28 at 01:27 AM
Wouldn’t you know that the PhiBetaCons don’t allow comments! You gotta love this one from Candace de Russy (did she get that name from a Harlequin romance?)
“The American Association of University Professors has at last issued a policy statement that defends the right of campus groups to host controversial speakers to their colleges. The Chronicle of Higher Education reports that this statement arrives a year and a half after a national presidential campaign which was filled with campus-speaker disputes and cancellations.
In contrast, the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education condemned such abuses of free expression from the outset.
The AAUP needs leaders who really care about constitutional rights on campuses — and who would take a leaf from FIRE.”
Actually, AAUP endorsed the right of students to invite controversial speakers in 1967! (It’s right there on p. 264 of the 9th ed. of the Redbook - Candace could look it up!) Looks like FIRE is awfully late to this dance.Posted by Michael McIntyre on 04/28 at 04:24 PM
“(Sadly, No! having laid its claim to the musings of military strategist Lt. Col. Dafyydd ab Hugh)”
“I’m afraid I can’t say anymore. The line between parody and reality has completely disappeared under ab Hugh’s waistline.”
“We’re supposed to be better than they are.”
“You have a problem with someone’s points of view, critique those, not his or her appearance.”
http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2006/04/quickies-congratulations-wil-kyle.htmlPosted by Bob on 04/29 at 09:09 AM
I’m still confused about how pointing out that some people speak a language other than English takes away anyones personhood (or peoplehood, assume that’s the same thing). It just doesn’t make any sense, unless they are really crazy enough to think that if you speak a non-English language, you’re not a person.Posted by Hysterical Woman on 04/29 at 11:21 PM
thye first problem which overseas students face in US universities is that of language. the US government would do good to create a minimum policy for maintaining parity between various language groups.Posted by sam on 05/01 at 02:56 AM