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And the winners are

Gulden vs. Kosciusko

Though Gulden’s is the oldest prepared mustard in the United States (dating from 1862), and though any New York sports fan should have fond memories of swabbing it lovingly over a hot Sabrett’s at Shea or the Garden, the edge in the Spicy Brown competition has to go to Kosciusko.  Slightly tangier, duskier, and more versatile, Kosciusko is now my mustard of choice for sandwiches, hot dogs, knishes, pretzels, lobsters, and soufflés.  Any time is a good time for Kosciusko!

1995-96 Detroit Red Wings vs. 2001 Seattle Mariners

The ‘95-’96 Red Wings set a single-season record of 62 wins; their remarkable 131 points outpaced their nearest competitor, the Philadelphia Flyers, by 24 points.  The ‘01 Seattle Mariners won a mind-bending 116 games and lost only 46.  But neither team made it through the playoffs; the Red Wings were beaten 4-2 in the conference final by the eventual Cup champion Colorado Avalanche, and the Mariners folded in five to the Yankees in the ALCS.  Which team provides a better gloss on the 2005 Indianapolis Colts?  The Mariners, by a nose.  But even the Mariners managed to get past the first round.

PC vs. Mac

I have no strong feelings about this one.  Let’s call it a tie.

“Every Breath You Take” vs. “No Reply”

Lennon’s “No Reply” is a measurably creepier Stalker Song than Sting’s, because in “No Reply” the obsessive waiting- outside- the- house- and- watching- to- see- her- peep- through- the- window thing has already begun, whereas “Every Breath You Take” consists merely of a series of threats.  Verb tense is everything in such matters.  Also, Sting’s middle eight is too abject (though it has a clever little E flat - G - E minor - C - D - E minor progression at the end), whereas Lennon’s is all confused bluster: “If I were you I’d realize that I/ love you more than any other guy.” Run those pronouns by me again?

Oh, and don’t bother me with Morrissey’s “The More You Ignore Me the Closer I Get.” “I am now a central part/ Of your mind’s landscape”?  Please.  It’s not even in the same league as Lennon bugging his stalkee to the point at which her family has to cover for her. 

Though Sting gets honorable mention for managing to get his creepy song played at weddings.

Samuel Alito vs. Robert Bork

Commentary provided by Michael Bérubé and ESPN’s Bill Clement.

Certainly the showdown everyone was waiting for, Bill!

-- That’s right, Michael, the Bork-Alito matchup promised to be a thriller, and it definitely lived up to the hype.

Alito, the elusive right-wing sniper out of Yale—but many say it was at Princeton that he really learned how to play the game—and Bork, the former “left-wing radical” from Chicago, the school known alternately as “Goaltender U.” and “Left Wing Radical U.”

-- Brings to mind the classic meeting of the Flyers’ Reggie Leach and the Canadiens’ Steve Shutt in the ‘75-’76 Cup finals! 

And with similar results, Bill.  You played with Leach on the ‘75 Cup champions, and I think you’d have to agree that he had that kind of straight-ahead style we associate with the great Robert Bork.

-- Absolutely, Michael.  There was no mystery about Leach—he just had a blazing shot, and he took that shot from everywhere.  A great scorer, but in the end, largely a one-dimensional player.  Steve Shutt, very similar profile, but ultimately, as you say, a more elusive forward.  As the Stanley Cup itself will testify, since his name appears on it five times.

What makes Alito more successful, I think, is precisely that deceptive quality Bork lacked.  His ability to split the Democrats’ defense time and again, with even the slightest hint of a feint toward the center. . . .

-- Though I have to point out, Michael, that it really wasn’t much of a defense at all.  The Democrats played so far apart that almost any decent right-winger with speed could have blown their doors off, and they have only a handful of players who know how to carry the puck back up the ice in a counterattack.  This defense is nothing like that of the team that stopped Bork.

Fair enough, Bill.  But let’s give Alito credit where credit is due.  When he claimed he couldn’t remember just why he joined the Concerned Alumni of Princeton, and offered the Democrats that head fake about the ROTC, I said to myself, I don’t think this guy can be stopped—he can only be contained.  I mean, that was a brilliant move, a brazen move, a highlight-reel move, and it caught the defense in the middle of a poorly-timed change to boot.

-- You bring up a good question, Michael.  I’m not sure Alito can even be contained.  I think we may have a player here who can score practically at will.

And we know how he feels about the “at will” doctrine! [Laughter]

-- No, I think the Republicans have themselves a twofer here.  Alito offers them the promise of a radical expansion of executive power together with a dramatic scaling back of civil liberties and rights to privacy.  It’s a devastating combination, and a tribute to the strength of the GOP farm team.  At every level, from the minor leagues up through the parent clubs, it’s just one righty power forward after another.

Bill, the Democrats are reportedly scrambling to regroup, hoping to pick up some fresh talent in the November draft.

-- Well, it’s amazing just how poorly the Democrats have drafted in recent years, Michael, and it calls into question just who’s doing the scouting for this operation.  So I’m not sure the draft really offers them a chance to recover, unless they get a lot savvier a lot sooner.

Meanwhile, Bill, the question for the GOP has to be, what’s next?  With Roberts and Alito they seem to have established a radical right presence on the bench for the next thirty years.  You have to ask, just how far can this franchise go?

-- Only time will tell, surely, but I think fans of untrammeled executive power, big business, and theocracy have every reason to be hopeful.

And in the meantime, the Democrats should probably start figuring out just how to play this game.  They haven’t coped well with the new rule changes, and seem to be hoping that the Republicans’ penalties—they are led in that department by Tom “the Hammer” DeLay and Jack “the Ripper” Abramoff—will eventually catch up to them.  So far, it hasn’t worked.

-- No, you can’t just wait for the other team to make mistakes in this game, Michael.  As you well know.

Right you are, Bill.  And those were the weekend’s key matchups, everyone!  Thanks for tuning in.

Posted by on 01/16 at 04:43 PM

  1. And in the meantime, the Democrats should probably start figuring out just how to play this game.

    And not just figure out how to play, but also STOP GIVING IN before the game’s over. I refer to Diane Feinstein’s remarkable outbreak of capitulation this weekend over the filibuster, the only weapon the dems have.

    Posted by Bob Davis  on  01/16  at  06:40 PM

  2. Well, Bob, Feinstein certainly coughed up the puck deep in her own zone on that one.  Funny thing—usually that’s Biden’s job.

    Posted by Michael  on  01/16  at  08:56 PM

  3. Well, to be fair to Joe, he was hard at work all last week hitting weak infield groundouts in the questioning phase.

    Posted by Bob Davis  on  01/16  at  08:59 PM

  4. My ex-wife said that Leonard Cohen’s “Suzanne” was vaguely sinister too, more like some kind of entrapment.

    I used to be into football too, but my new position is that the more team planes go down, the better. No deep thought behind that, I’m just sick of football.

    Posted by  on  01/16  at  09:48 PM

  5. While Jay and the Techniques cannot top Lennon, their “Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie” is definitely a dark horse in the creepy stalker song competition.  The best lines are in the middle:

    I’ll find you anywhere you go,
    I’ll follow you high and low.
    You can’t escape this love of mine anytime.
    Well, I’ll sneak up behind you,
    Be careful where I find you.
    Apple peaches pumpkin pie,
    Soon your love will be all mine.
    Then I’m gonna take you home,
    Marry you so you won’t roam.
    Marry you so you won’t roam. Right now

    The notion of having a love that a person cannot escape is certainly creepy, much more so than Sting’s mere threatened surveillance.  Plus, the title of the song is flat-out weird.

    Posted by  on  01/16  at  10:50 PM

  6. “Well, Bob, Feinstein certainly coughed up the puck deep in her own zone on that one.”

    No, it’s worse than that. She scored an own goal.

    Then today on Larry King she temporized about Gore’s stemwinder, throwing it to the Republican zebras.  I thought better of her than that.

    Posted by Linkmeister  on  01/17  at  02:49 AM

  7. Well, this whole mustard thing. Neither holds a candle to Boetje’s, still being produced by the family in Rock Island, Illinois. The best thing about the internet? Since my family doesn’t live there anymore, I can buy it myself. Two cases at a time.

    (I got to get a breathalyzer for this damn thing).

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  03:53 AM

  8. I think you wimped on that PC vs. Mac thing.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  01/17  at  09:47 AM

  9. Yeah, you can pick your theology and your metric, but by no measure can PC vs Mac be a tie.
    It is a take-no-prisoners sort of contest.

    Posted by Steinn Sigurdsson  on  01/17  at  10:15 AM

  10. I think you wimped on that PC vs. Mac thing.

    Dang!  I thought that little in-joke would go over big with this crowd.

    Scribblerus, even though that strange song is also in the future tense and thus a bit less creepy than “No Reply,” I have to admit that the title is very, very weird.  Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

    And John, aren’t you being, like, a bit harsh?  Do planes actually have to go down?  Can’t the league just disband or something?  Yeesh.

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  10:41 AM

  11. There’s something about [Laughter] that makes me laugh. Don’t know what it is.

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  11:30 AM

  12. Joe, he was hard at work all last week hitting weak infield groundouts in the questioning phase.

    Since we’re working with the baseball analogy and Biden spent almost all of his “questioning” time talking about more important things like himself, is that like striking out in the on-deck circle? (I wouldn’t have thought it was possible either, but there I was proven wrong.)

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  11:32 AM

  13. You can say no to Feinstein, California Berube leaders - vote Green in the 2006 Senate elections.  There’s no chance of a spoiler effect in this race, I think the Republican candidate against Feinstein got like 30% of the vote last time around.

    http://www.todd4senate.org/

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  11:52 AM

  14. all I can say is, one way, or another, I’m gonna get ya get ya get ya get ya.

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  11:54 AM

  15. Since we’re working with the baseball analogy and Biden spent almost all of his “questioning” time talking about more important things like himself, is that like striking out in the on-deck circle?

    Brian- I agree the weak-infield-grounders metaphor didn’t fully capture the Biden effect. Striking out while on-deck is good, even a bit mysterious.

    How about: swinging three times for an out before the first pitch is even thrown.

    Posted by Bob Davis  on  01/17  at  01:02 PM

  16. Since we’re working with the baseball analogy and Biden spent almost all of his “questioning” time talking about more important things like himself, is that like striking out in the on-deck circle?

    I’m reminded of the Onion article “In My Day, Ballplayers Were for Shit” which discusses St. Louis Browns’ shortstop Walter “Shitty Batter” Dugan who used to swing at throws to first.

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  01:36 PM

  17. "-- Though I have to point out, Michael, that it really wasn’t much of a defense at all.  The Democrats played so far apart that almost any decent right-winger with speed could have blown their doors off, “

    When there’s a right-winger who’s too elusive for your defense, Bill Clement should know that you send Dave Schultz out.  It’s time for the gloves to come off.

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  02:17 PM

  18. “Every Breath You Take” vs. “No Reply”

    The all time creepy stalker song: I Want You by Elvis Costello (Blood and Chocolate)

    Posted by a-train  on  01/17  at  05:00 PM

  19. Re. creepy songs: I take it none of you have listened to ”Strangler in the Night” (.mp3) by Albert Desalvo. What it lacks in musical sophistication or esthetic appeal it more than makes up for by making the listener feel complicit in a series of horrible murders. Did he or didn’t he? After hearing this, you won’t care.

    Posted by HP  on  01/17  at  06:01 PM

  20. Ooh, ooh - are we collecting stalker anthems?

    May I suggest Sarah McLachlan’s extraordinarily creepy Possession, where the stalker appears to have morphed into some kind of djinn. Then there’s Powderfinger’s (Baby, I’ve Got You) On My Mind which Bernard Fanning claims is about a stalker although it’s hard to tell from the lyrics.

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  09:04 PM

  21. Kosciusko is now my mustard of choice for sandwiches, hot dogs, knishes, pretzels, lobsters, and soufflés.

    Sometimes I think I just don’t know you anymore, man.

    Oh, I read the story of the woman on whom Cohen based the character of Suzanne in his eponymous song. He and she weren’t involved, romantically. Her boyfriend, husband, or whatever and she lived in a shack next to the St. Laurence in Montreal, and Cohen hung out with them in the days of hippie hanging out. She grew up, got divorced, that sort of thing. I wish I had a punchline for all this, but I don’t, but the song isn’t creepy. Cohen, on the other hand…

    Posted by  on  01/17  at  09:53 PM

  22. Kosciusko - fine general, good bridge, grainy mustard with too much vinegar.

    Two out of three, dude.

    Posted by julia  on  01/17  at  09:55 PM

  23. It is amazing, when you see eight Democrats with striped jerseys and whistles and not one can spot a game misconduct committed against a ten year old girl, not one can call even a 2-minute minor against for holding a wife who might want an abortion at either the Igloo or… wherever the hell the Flyers play..., not one can see that cute little self-hand-pass (while offsides no less) when it involves the good judge’s own mutual fund…

    Just what game were they watching?  Bork couldn’t touch the puck without a two-line pass being called…

    The quality of officiating is every bit as pathetic as the quality of play… plus, I resent the fact that all the action now takes place on the right side of the rink…

    Posted by the talking dog  on  01/18  at  12:17 AM

  24. a-train:  very creepy indeed, but can you believe that Patrick Marber got an entire play and then a screenplay ("Closer") out of that one song?  That just seems unfair, somehow.

    And le chien qui rit, why do you think the Democrats care about the officiating any more?—when so many of them assume they’re going to be overruled by the review judge anyway, and go abjectly to the New York Times ahead of time to explain precisely why their calls will be overturned?

    Posted by Michael  on  01/18  at  12:47 AM

  25. ”...wherever the hell the Flyers play...”

    They play in the Wachovia center.  It was much better when it named for First Union.  It just seemed so right for Philadelphia teams to play at the F U Center.

    Posted by  on  01/18  at  12:03 PM

  26. I wonder why I said “le chien qui rit” about le chien qui parle.  Partly because I was falling asleep, I think, and partly because I was thinking—as I was falling asleep—of la vache qui rit.  Oh well.

    Hey, that’s a good matchup right there.  La vache qui rit vs. le chien qui parle.

    Posted by Michael  on  01/18  at  12:11 PM

  27. Aren’t Mac’s personal computers (PC), as well as more politically correct (multi-culturally speaking) since they are PC compatible?????

    As for la vache?? This latest news from the USDA is a real laugher, especially once you imagine the scene:

    MINI-STEERS OFFER FARMERS BENEFITS
    One element of the US cattle industry is looking at getting smaller.  There is a trend toward miniature cattle that breeders tout as having several advantages over full size steers.  A true miniature steer stands 42 inches at the hip and weighs between 500 and 700 pounds.  Two of the animals can be grazed on an acre of grass, compared to about five acres needed for a pair of full sized animals.

    Ten minis can be raised on a five-acre parcel of land.  They’ll yield 6,000 pounds on the hoof, compared to 3,000 pounds for the full size pair on the same amount of land.  They also can be marketed to consumers who what to buy a steer and freeze the beef, offering about a six month supply.  The breeders say their smaller size makes the minis easier to handle.  Their smaller hoofs do less damage to pasture land, allowing some growers to feed out their steers on grass alone, a marketplace plus.

    Posted by  on  01/18  at  02:47 PM

  28. Since Windows ripped off the Mac architecture, I would think that PCs are Mac compatible. Not vice-versa.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  01/18  at  02:51 PM

  29. Its a tough matchup to be sure… but isn’t La vache qui rit some kind of fromage? 

    Oh what troubled times are these when I might have to do battle against a hunk of cheese… and the outcome remains uncertain!!!

    Posted by the talking dog  on  01/18  at  03:56 PM

  30. The worst part about it, t.d., is that the hunk of cheese is really tiny.

    Posted by  on  01/18  at  06:07 PM

  31. "No Reply” is a fine, fine song. But for music about creepy stalkers, I have to mention the Moxy Fruvous song “I Will Hold On.” It sounds so sweet and innocent at first.

    http://www.fruvous.com/th-lyr.html#hold

    Posted by  on  01/18  at  07:45 PM

  32. On the 4th one, I think Randy Newman’s “Suzanne” beats ‘em both…

    Posted by Scott Lemieux  on  01/19  at  01:10 AM

  33. Since Windows ripped off the Mac architecture, I would think that PCs are Mac compatible. Not vice-versa.

    (1) Macintoshes have some degree of support for Windows: file-sharing, FAT disk format, and the use of Virtual PC software to run Windows apps.  Windows has no compatibility with Mac.

    (2) Since Apple ripped off Xerox PARC’s work for their interface, people without sin shouldn’t live in glass houses.  It’s no fun.

    (3) Alito’s confirmation is a nightmare, and I’m not sure if the Republic will survive a buildup of tools of unlimited Republican executive power sitting on the Court (Thomas, probably Roberts, and Alito, with assists from Scalia; Stevens or Ginsburg could get hit by a bus tomorrow, especially if Pat Robertson has his way).  I’m having difficulty sleeping at night because of this.

    (4) Apple’s abandonment of the PowerPC architecture is a disappointment, and renders them into just another OS vendor.

    Posted by  on  01/19  at  01:35 PM

  34. Since Apple ripped off Xerox PARC’s work for their interface, people without sin shouldn’t live in glass houses.  It’s no fun.

    Of course, Apple didn’t wait until Xerox had made a market for it before they put money into it.

    Posted by julia  on  01/19  at  01:47 PM

  35. Too late, but my two fave stalker songs have been skipped:

    “The Collection of Marie Claire”, Daniel Lanois
    “From Her to Eternity”, Nick Cave.

    Daniel is in the future tense, so apparently that’s points-off in this contest, but: “I brought you a drawing to see/ A cabin made of sticks and stones/ And there you will learn to love me.” Geez.

    But, of course, good Old Nick wins it all, as the stalking is in the present tense, yet actually looks ahead to “But I know that to possess her is therefore not to desire her/ So that little girl has got to go.” That’s right - he’s not merely going to kill her because she’s unattainable - he’s going to kill her because he knows the attainment won’t be enough. Egad.

    Posted by JRoth  on  01/20  at  03:20 PM

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