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Arbitrary but fun:  bonus edition!

I’m pleased to announce that John McGowan and I have reached a Comprehensive Co-Blogging Agreement, whereby he will post here on Thursdays, beginning next Thursday, June 23.  He will of course keep working on his own blog, Public Intelligence, which you should visit on a regular basis; he’ll probably cross-post on those Thursdays.  The Comprehensive Co-Blogging Agreement acknowledges, among other things, the rarity of such arrangements in the blogosphere, whereby a single-author blog dedicates one day to a guest blogger who keeps his own blog as well; accordingly, the Agreement stipulates, in section 147(c)(3)(iii), that “we will do this for a couple of months and see how it works out.”

You can see why it took us more than a week to decide on the exact wording of this complex undertaking.

On those Thursdays, I will (most of the time) resume my long-neglected duties as a member of the third or fourth string of the American Street team, and try to post something light and airy over there.  The Agreement mentions this in Annex C, but only in vague terms.  Personally, though, I think this is a good idea for blogs in general: every Thursday, everyone should post something on somebody else’s blog. Then we’ll see some common social spaces on the Internets!

Now, to some of the things I didn’t do this week: I didn’t post anything yesterday, but that’s because I spent all Wednesday afternoon writing Wednesday’s post, and I just can’t crank out those 3000-worders all the time, you know.  I’m still plugging away at That Other Thing I’m Writing, and will be for a while yet.  So I didn’t stop in to cheer the House of Representatives’ vote on Section 215 of the Patriot Act.  Always nice to have a glimmer of hope here and there for the nation’s collective sanity.  Sure, 238-187 isn’t veto-proof, but it’s better than last year’s vastly annoying 210-210 tie.  And yes, the new provision would still allow the government to track the Internet viewing records of library patrons, but that’s all right with me: the Internets are very dangerous places, and the Department of Homeland Security obviously needs to know who’s checking out videos of pie fights and then clicking on sites that tell you how to handle anthrax.  If we are to protect ourselves from having our ample breasts smeared by terrorists wielding anthrax-meringue pies, we need to keep tracking Internet use in public libraries. That’s the important shit.

Also, I didn’t say a word about President Bush’s visit to State College on Tuesday, where he spoke to the Pennsylvania FFA (formerly the Future Farmers of America) at Penn State’s Eisenhower Auditorium on the subject of Social Security.  One of my friends wrote in to say, “the President comes to your little town and you don’t even take notice?  And you call yourself a blogger?” Well, it just so happens I have a good excuse:  I was speaking about blogging that day, at the very same time as Mr. Bush (just after 2 pm)—at Web 2005, a conference for Penn State web professionals.  It was the first time I’ve ever been on a panel about blogging, unlike all you really famous bloggers out there who leap bloggily coast-to-coast from blogging panel to blogging panel.  But even though I have this ironclad excuse, the real reason I didn’t say anything about Bush’s visit is that I completely misread the local news.  Fool that I am, I thought President Eisenhower was coming to speak at Bush Auditorium, and I assumed that he was just going to recite those great lines about Social Security and Texas oilmen – you know,

Now it is true that I believe this country is following a dangerous trend when it permits too great a degree of centralization of governmental functions. I oppose this—in some instances the fight is a rather desperate one. But to attain any success it is quite clear that the Federal government cannot avoid or escape responsibilities which the mass of the people firmly believe should be undertaken by it. The political processes of our country are such that if a rule of reason is not applied in this effort, we will lose everything—even to a possible and drastic change in the Constitution. This is what I mean by my constant insistence upon “moderation” in government. Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are H. L. Hunt (you possibly know his background), a few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.

Imagine my disappointment when I realized the truth.  Apparently President Bush didn’t say anything like this!  Instead, he said almost the exact opposite thing!

“It’s not the government’s money. It’s the people’s money,” Bush said to the audience at Eisenhower Auditorium that was limited to FFA members and a few invited guests.

Bush has proposed allowing Social Security recipients to invest as much as a third of their 12 percent payroll tax in private accounts. Doing so, he said, would give them a “nest egg” that would earn better returns than Social Security and could be left to family or friends.

It would be part of the Social Security system, and a supplement to Social Security, he said.

“But it’s your money. No one can take it away from you. It’s your money. It’s money you can pass on to whomever you choose,” Bush said.

Although the local paper didn’t mention this, apparently Bush added, “all of your money is yours.  That’s right, it’s not the result of complex social contracts and agreements, many of which are underwritten by government.  It’s simply yours.  That means taxation is theft!  And that’s why personal Social Security accounts make so much sense.  Nobody can take your money away from you in a personal account.  Unless, of course, you invest your money with people like me or one of my friends, in which case you can pretty much kiss it goodbye.  Heh.  Heh heh.”

And finally, it’s time to resume that popular Friday Feature: Arbitrary but Fun Value Judgments!  Today’s judgment is a little more complicated than my previous declarations of the best this and the creepiest that.  That’s because during my convalescence, I watched dozens of movies, including things like Garden State, which all the kids were talking about however many months ago.  So today, I’m taking nominations for Movies that Most Efficiently Combine Two or More Other Movies, and I’m starting things off with the recent Paul Haggis film, Crash, for its brutally efficient fusion of Magnolia, Short Cuts, and Grand Canyon.  Until Crash came along, if you wanted to see a movie about race relations in Los Angeles and/or a movie with variously intersecting story lines and a large ensemble cast, you had to sit through all three films—eight and a half hours in all, two-and-change of which were directed by Lawrence Kasdan (which adds two penalty hours to the total).  And Crash even gives you snow at the end instead of frogs!!  Much more plausible, while still being quirkily “conclusion-like” in a “the snow is general over all Los Angeles” kind of way.  That’s why I call it Grand Magnolia Canyon Short Cuts, and that’s why I think it’s ideal material for Arbitrary but Fun Value Judgments.  Your turn!

Have a fine weekend, everyone.

Posted by on 06/17 at 11:31 AM

  1. I’m assuming you don’t mean movies like Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. I want to vote for The Rapture, which combines swinging sex, religious fanaticism, the apocalypse, and a heartbreaking middle finger to god, but I’m not sure what the source movies would be for the above ... The Ice Storm, Carrie, Left Behind and The Seventh Seal?

    Posted by Steven Rubio  on  06/17  at  01:36 PM

  2. "Top Gun” = WWII heroism films (Tyrone Power’s “A Yank in the RAF") + young smart-aleck learns how to do his thing ("Risky Business") + 80s style soft-drink commerical.

    “Pretty Woman” = “Cindrella” + “My Fair Lady” + a corporate investment and/or training video + about as much cynicism as a Neil Labute film.

    “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” = 70s dystopic tech films (THX) + 30s=era romantic comedies.

    What did you think of garden state?

    Posted by  on  06/17  at  01:44 PM

  3. Ah yes, at the end of the movie about race relations in multicultural Los Angeles, a blanket of whiteness falls on one and all.

    Posted by  on  06/17  at  01:54 PM

  4. Hmmm… having recently convalesced myself, I should probably be better at this (I did plow through most of my local video store’s new release section), but I must have been a little more attached to the post-surgical painkillers than you were.  I really don’t remember half of the videos I watched.

    My nominee though, would be Cinderella Man, combining a boxing flick (Rocky) with Russell Crowe wandering around shirtless pummelling people (Gladiator and also probably real life), with an underdog bringing the nation together (Sea Biscuit) in a Ron Howard movie that is arguably overly sentimental (do I have to pick one?).  You could kill a lot of birds with one stone on that one if you wanted, I think…

    Posted by  on  06/17  at  02:11 PM

  5. Ah yes, at the end of the movie about race relations in multicultural Los Angeles, a blanket of whiteness falls on one and all.

    And let’s not forget the immortal Volcano (Anne Heche, Tommy Lee Jones; dir. Mick Jackson), in which the closing fall of ashes shows us that we all look the same!

    konczal, I liked Garden State a great deal until the wheels came off in three stages—the yelling-in-the-rain catharsis, the pat speech to dad, and the I-have-no-idea-how-to-end-this-movie airport scene.  Other than that, a charming little flick with a few terrific moments, like the hamster funeral and the bit about doing something in X space that has never been done in that space before.  But not really The Graduate of the aughts.

    Posted by  on  06/17  at  02:23 PM

  6. The movie that comes to mind for me stretches the game rules a bit. It’s the 1999 made-for-TV animated version of Animal Farm, which combined the movie that should have been made from Animal Farm with Homeward Bound - through the simple expedient of adding a happy ending in which a new, benign human farmer buys the land.

    (How’s that for an Orwellian turn of events?)

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  06/17  at  02:26 PM

  7. "House of Wax” is essentially a combination of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, “Sixteen Candles” and such videos as “The Half-Assed Guide to Foundation Repair” with Troy McClure.

    Posted by  on  06/17  at  03:00 PM

  8. I think the rules should be expanded, or else a new game developed for future use.  It would be along the lines of one I’ve heard on Says You!, wherein two movie titles are combined.  For example, “License to Kill a Mockingbird,” in which James Bond hunts down an evil doorstop bird out for ornithological domination of the universe.

    Posted by Linkmeister  on  06/17  at  04:36 PM

  9. Completely OT:

    Dude!  Hot Picture!!

    Posted by Ms. Not Together  on  06/17  at  04:38 PM

  10. For example, “License to Kill a Mockingbird,”

    The Cook the Thief His Wife & Her Lover Go to White Castle.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  06/17  at  05:03 PM

  11. Rule change approved!  Let the combining of movie titles begin.  How about Gone with the Wind in Sixty Seconds, with Vivian Leigh and Nicholas Cage?

    Posted by Michael  on  06/17  at  07:12 PM

  12. "Sailor Moon Who Fell From Grace with the Sea”
    - PG13 due to the anime kitty dissection sequence

    “To Be Born and Live and Let Die in East L.A.”
    - Roger Moore works to track down Cheech Marin, who sold a quarter pound of oregano to his partner, Yaphet Kotto.

    “Reservoir Dogs Go To Heaven”
    - This one would write itself. Box office gold!

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  06/17  at  07:31 PM

  13. I actually saw these two titles run together at the old Garby Theatre in Clarion Pennsylvania, many many years ago now. 

    THREE MEN AND A BABY THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN

    Posted by  on  06/17  at  07:37 PM

  14. Tank Girl, Interrupted.

    Posted by Lee  on  06/17  at  07:51 PM

  15. The B-Movie Starlet Series Presents

    “Some Like It Hot Dog...The Movie”
    Shannon Tweed’s breast do their best Marilyn Monroe impersonation.

    “My Fair Lady in Red”
    Pamela Sue Martin nails Audrey Hepburn like the feds nailed Dillinger.

    “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama”
    OK, that’s the actual title, but how can you improve on perfection? And it stars both Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer (of “Atomic Cafe Flesh,” the famous duck and cover porn doc).

    Posted by George  on  06/17  at  08:00 PM

  16. How about we even mix art forms:

    My So Called Life as a Dog Day Afternoon of a Faun.

    There: we have television, foreign film, domestic film and classical music.

    Posted by Randy Paul  on  06/17  at  09:21 PM

  17. Raging Bull Durham?  Little Big Man on Campus?

    How about the most inappropriate combinations:  I know they’re fictional, but I vote for either of the following pitches from Altmans’s *The Player*:  “Ghost meets the Mancurian Candidate,” and “Out of Africa Meets Pretty Woman” (this latter one is also described as “kind of like *The Gods Must Be Crazy*, except the coke bottle is now an actress.")

    Posted by  on  06/17  at  10:37 PM

  18. Lance, your tyop for Manchurian Candidate made me think of a movie starring Malcolm Glazer, The Mancunian Candidate (must be a soccer fan to understand).

    Apropos of nothing (except movie titles), when I lived in Logan, UT, the movie Snatch could not be advertised as such on the marquee or in the paper, so instead they called in The Great Diamon Heist. The catch was, in brackets beneath they said “original title Snatch.”

    Michael, I’d play your game but I’ve been single-dadding all week and am suffering from a fried brain.

    D

    Posted by Murph  on  06/17  at  11:25 PM

  19. Somebody Up There Likes Me On The Beach Blanket Bingo.

    Omg, Ava Gardner shaking her stuff in a nuclear cloud. 

    Hmmm.  I see potential here…

    Posted by  on  06/18  at  12:31 AM

  20. Das Booty Call. From the German perspective, submarine warfare in WWII wasn’t always grim and terrifying.

    Ordinary People That Time Forgot. A guilt-ridden younger son chronicles the deterioration of his well-to-do family as they journey to a mysterious island to find Doug McClure.

    The Big Sleeper. Raymond Chandler’s Phillip Marlow awakes to find himself in an comically dystopian future.

    Jules et Jim Thorpe--All American. The greatest athlete of the 20th Century and his coach, the legendary Pop Warner, share an idyllic romance with the same woman until jealousy, self-destructiveness, and professional baseball intervene.

    Posted by Doghouse Riley  on  06/18  at  02:07 AM

  21. I’m trying to recover from a horrendous bout of asthma and bronchitis, so there will be no cute storylines after the proposed titles; but I’m sure your imaginations will be up to the task!

    1. Dirty Harry Potter
    2. Play Misty for Me, Myself, and Irene
    3. What About Bob Roberts?
    4. Permanent Midnight Cowboy
    5. (TV movie): Soylent Green Acres; and something for the kids: Soylent Green Eggs and Ham.

    Welcome back, Michael! Did you miss me?

    Posted by  on  06/18  at  02:23 AM

  22. Well, I thought of this before seeing George’s movie combos.  Sorry for the repeat here:

    Some Like It On the Waterfront

    Cross-dressing boxers fight for the love of a bodacious blonde...uh...a tragi-comedy.

    Now taking suggestions for the transformation of that famous line:  “I coulda been a contender!”

    Posted by  on  06/18  at  09:03 AM

  23. Shanghaied by a new arbitrary demand! I’m no good at this mashup, but here goes:

    *Red Dawn of the Dead (the USA invaded by Soviets; zombies fight them off)
    *The Parallax Room with a View (uh...a lovely Edwardian lass uncovers cryptic agents of passion)
    * Dr. Strange, Love Story (following the slow death of his love, a wizard destroys all human life)

    --

    Okay, I still want to play the original game. Donny Darko: time travel to stop a catastrophe ( Terminator) meets imaginary friend ( Pete’s Dragon or, better yet, Harvey).

    Posted by  on  06/18  at  10:10 AM

  24. Apropos of nothing (except movie titles), when I lived in Logan, UT, the movie Snatch could not be advertised as such on the marquee or in the paper, so instead they called in The Great Diamon Heist. The catch was, in brackets beneath they said “original title Snatch.”

    Murph,

    That reminds me of the time when Spanking the Monkey was in the theaters and I called Moviefone on the speakerphone at work. I wanted to check showtimes for the movie and when I punched in the first three letters of the film, the Moviefone guy who with that loud voice came on and said “You have selected: Spanking the Monkey.”

    Even the prudes at the adjacent cubicles were laughing.

    Posted by Randy Paul  on  06/18  at  10:58 AM

  25. Twisterminator: a giant, F5 tornado is sent from the future to kill Helen Hunt’s film career.
    Spoiler warning:

    It succeeds.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  06/18  at  01:05 PM

  26. Back to the original rules (more challenging):
    Garden State + Carnal Knowledge = Closer: both GS and Closer begin w/ Natalie meeting cute in a doctor’s waiting room and end w/ her crying in an airport; CK adds Mike Nichols and the nasty bits.

    Posted by  on  06/18  at  02:16 PM

  27. BUCK NAKED TWISTER movies

    “Twist and Shout at the Devil”
    “Walking across the Water Margin: Heroes’ Sex Stories”

    Posted by  on  06/18  at  02:40 PM

  28. Dirty Dancing with Wolves - Starring Kevin Costner, Patrick Swayze and the Village People

    Inherit the Wind and the Willows - A dramatization of when Clarence Darrow represented Mr. Toad’s offspring in probate court.

    All the President’s Men in Tights - Tricky Dick as Prince John, Woodward as Robin Hood, Maid Marion as Deep Throat, and Bernstein is black for no apparent reason.

    Posted by  on  06/18  at  07:46 PM

  29. Racing Stripes.  Worst committee-written movie ever.  Never thought about this movie for two seconds until I took the trip to Italy recently.  I was forced to see it in the darkened body of a DC-10 on my way to Italy...and again on my way back.

    It combines the charm of Babe, with the throwaway storylines, cheap laughs, and even two cast members of the easily-forgotten sitcom Just Shoot Me. 

    The movie *should* have been called Just Shoot Me, Babe.

    Posted by DocMara  on  06/19  at  02:30 PM

  30. And, by the way, the reference to Joyce’s “The Dead” is duly noted (the snow is general over all Ireland).

    I actually liked Crash...too little sentimentality is spent on things like deconstructing race relations these days.

    Posted by DocMara  on  06/19  at  08:04 PM

  31. Animal Farmhouse. This could go two ways: (1) Socialist-allegory animals decide to go the decadent toga party route and get wasted in the barn every evening. Or Bluto, Flounder, Niedermayer, the sorority girls, Dean Wurmer, et al., go the allegorical route. Which would be more fun? I vote for option 1, kind of a mash of “Babe” and any college party movie.

    Posted by Orange  on  06/20  at  12:50 PM

  32. I suggest The Mummy Gigi, a double bill I actually saw in 1960.

    Posted by  on  06/24  at  09:30 PM

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