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Dear Senator Edwards

I’m sorry I’ve neglected you for so long.  I supported you for VP, and I’m glad I did, but most of my blogging energy lately has been spent on the RNC, on a couple of wingnuts, on Tom Frank, and on advising self-appointed Kerry advisers in liberal blogistan not to offer John Kerry unsolicited advice because they were distracting the big guy from listening to my unsolicited advice.  But I’ve been keeping track of your campaign appearances too, and if you feel slighted by the relative lack of unsolicited Edwards advice on this blog, I apologize.

I’m writing because I’m not going to be able to watch the debate.  I’m speaking at the University of Alabama at Birmingham tonight at roughly the same time you’ll be sitting down with Voldemort.  I almost cancelled this trip because of Jamie’s health-- I’ve never cancelled a gig before, but when Jamie was briefly hospitalized I thought I might have to cancel this one, despite the fact that they’d invited me over a year ago.  But here I am, and now it turns out that I’ll be giving a “public” lecture while most of the public around here will be watching you.

So, anyway, watch out for this Cheney guy.  He’s the most dangerous kind of barking loon-- the kind that doesn’t sound the least bit like a barking loon.  Think of it this way:  he’s a big Laurie Mylroie fan.  We know he believes that Iraq was partly responsible for 9/11; he may also believe, with Mylroie, that Saddam was behind Oklahoma City as well.  Now, most people who think this way are mumbling to themselves in public parks about how they invented skydiving in 2023 or haunting the NYC subways and putting up wheat-paste posters full of detailed, tiny-print evidence of how the Trilateral Commission killed Bruce Lee.  But Cheney doesn’t come across that way at all.  He says the most batshit crazy things in the most soothing, avuncular tones, and he always has.  He’s very good at it.  His demeanor is basically that of the guy working the grill at the backyard barbeque.  He’s actually saying, “you people need to understand that we know Saddam still has WMD, and that’s why we’re searing the flesh of random detainees in Gitmo and Abu Ghraib-- if you knew what I knew, you’d see it the same way, but I can’t tell you what I know, so get out of my way and let me get back to my job,” but he sounds like he’s saying, “you gotta understand that you need to spray the grill or the sausages are gonna stick, and that’s why I use high-temperature Pam-- say, you a charcoal guy or a gas guy?” To get a sense of the disconnect, watch the film Arlington Road.  Lousy plot, but great portrayals of far-right wingnuts who sound like ordinary home-improvement guys.  Pay special attention to the barbecue scene.

But even though Cheney is tonally unflappable-- he won’t whine or bluster, like Dubya-- he can be angered, and when he’s angry he can get really go-fuck-yourself ugly.  He doesn’t like being criticized any more than Dubya does, and if anything he’s even more arrogant than Dubya when the little people question his supreme judgment (hence the “you don’t understand” bit).  Remember, this guy’s got a great deal to be brittle and defensive about, and it’s your job to keep him on the defensive.  If you start joking with him about how much money he’s made in the private sector, you’re toast.

Where to start?  Well, you could start with page 247 of Seymour Hersh’s Chain of Command:  The Road from 9/11 to Abu Ghraib.  It’s the end of chapter five, on the intelligence-cooking operations that led to all those empty claims about Iraqi WMD and have now cost so many lives and so much US credibility:

Vice President Cheney remained unabashed about the Administration’s reliance on the Niger documents, despite the revelation of their forgery.  In a September 2003 interview on Meet the Press, Cheney claimed that the British dossier’s charge that “Saddam was, in fact, trying to acquire uranium in Africa” had been “revalidated.” Cheney went on:  “So there may be a difference of opinion there.  I don’t know what the truth is on the ground. . . .  I don’t know Mr. Wilson.  I probably shouldn’t judge him.”

The Vice President also defended the way in which he had involved himself in intelligence matters:  “This is a very important area.  It’s one that the President has asked me to work on. . . .  In terms of asking questions, I plead guilty.  I ask a hell of a lot of questions.  That’s my job.”

Now, that’s Cheney talking about a shadow intelligence outfit (the Office of Special Plans) that was set up post-9/11 to ask “questions” like, “can you tie this to Saddam,” “why aren’t you doing a better job of tying this to Saddam,” and “will you just make up some shit so that we can tie this to Saddam.” And look at the deft shrug with which that smooth Cheney guy deflects questions about the Valerie Plame affair-- hey, I don’t know Wilson, shouldn’t judge him, wouldja mind passing me that plate of burgers?

Senator Edwards, you could spend a good deal of time tonight talking about how much damage this barking loon has done to the intelligence services that should be our first line of defense against Al-Qaeda.  And then you could follow up by asking him-- in that principled and persistent way that won you that public service award from ATLA-- how the hell he thinks he can get away with claiming that a Kerry/Edwards win would leave us more vulnerable to terrorist attack.  You can’t say “have you no shame"-- it’s been done to death lately-- but you might ask, “don’t you have any idea how badly you’ve hurt our side in the war on terror?”

That should piss him off.  Big time.

So, good luck tonight.

Posted by on 10/05 at 07:29 AM

  1. I’ve been trolling the blogs for weeks wondering when someone was finally gonna quote from that asinine french-loving Seymour Hersh’s book that I’ve put off reading ‘cause Berube’s got me on this What’s Wrong With Kansas kick.  And I hadn’t heard any references to Arlington Road in a while either.  I just hate it when you guys make a movie about us you get the most liberal Hollywood actor in the joint to play the leading role, just like you did with Bob Roberts.

    Anyway, just watch out for My Guy pulling out that report (from one of our wackiest outfits you’ve never heard of called Cybercast News Service) detailing the collection of documents on the Saddam-OKC-9-11-Al Qaeda connection that was uncovered from Laurie Mylroie’s basement the other day.  And trust me, My Guy will use the same would-you-like-ketchup-or-mustard-with-your-hot-dog voice with this lead, too, and it’ll have the SCLM swooning.

    Posted by  on  10/05  at  09:10 AM

  2. hear,hear!

    Posted by Adrianna  on  10/05  at  10:02 AM

  3. Scooter!  Glad to see you’ve finally decided to stop lurking and post a comment.  And listen, while you’re here, if you want to blow the cover of any more CIA agents working on that “nuclear proliferation” Kerry says he cares so much about, you can do it right here on this blog.  I promise I won’t tell!

    Posted by Michael  on  10/05  at  11:48 AM

  4. It’s going to take me a little while to recover from the Trilateral Commission/ Bruce Lee Revelation. As such, I have no further comment at this time.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  10/05  at  12:10 PM

  5. Heh. You funny.

    Posted by  on  10/05  at  12:30 PM

  6. Michael,

    Your sense of humor keeps me coming back for more.  Glad Jamie’s better.

    The image of the “barking loon” will be with me as I watch the show tonight (It’s a Mallard Fillmore kind of thing) every time Big Dick opens his mouth.

    Posted by Melanie  on  10/05  at  02:16 PM

  7. ..And where are your trackbacks?  I’m tossing you a link.

    Posted by Melanie  on  10/05  at  02:23 PM

  8. Here’s a fun little tidbit I found in an online article on tonight’s debate:
    “Behind the scenes, Bush campaign manager Ken Mehlman sent an e-mail message to Bush supporters urging them to call radio talk shows and send e-mails to media outlets after the debate expressing support for Bush, and to vote in television online polls.
    He suggested Democrats had done much the same thing after the first presidential debate and had managed ``to mask their candidate’s flip-flops on the war in Iraq,’’ and other foreign-policy issues. “

    It looks like they’re on to us. They found out about “The Plan” and are going to steal it from us. Bastards!

    Posted by  on  10/05  at  03:55 PM

  9. Jon Stewart nails Fox News last night for their false reporting. He mentions both Carl Cameron’s article AND Jane Roh’s Communists for Kerry fabrication. We’ve got the transcript at:

    http://www.nomoreapples.blogspot.com

    It’s no wonder The Daily Show won a Peabody award. They are awesome.

    Posted by Silmarill  on  10/05  at  03:56 PM

  10. I don’t think the Veep debates amount to anything other than keeping the political junkies and party hacks frothing through the week. (Guilty as charged.) While I think the debate probably amounts to a tie, I do hope that Edwards’ debate last night does not signal a shift in tactics by the campaign.

    In the first presidential debate, Kerry was effective because he was prosecuting Bush. This election is still about approval/disapproval of the incumbent. Edwards spent the first half of the debate yesterday seemingly defending Kerry.

    It shouldn’t be “Senator Kerry was very clear about what he meant by “global test,” and let me repeat what he said”.... It should be “The president, the vice president, and an army of administration officials have been busy trying to make people afraid that John Kerry will let other world leaders control our foreign policy. Keeping Americans afraid is what they do best...in fact it’s all they can do, because they’ve failed us on every important matter....” And then rip them a new one without getting shrill or grumpy.

    Show you’ll be tough by being tough.

    Kerry isn’t going to win the undecideds by insisting that he’s a great guy. They’re suspcious of him, and they’re not going to adopt his agenda wholesale. He just needs to convince the independents that he’d be better than what they’ve got now. Prosecute and reassure. Lather, rinse, repeat.

    Posted by EB  on  10/06  at  06:09 AM

  11. Voldemort!!  I can’t get past that—I’m laughing too hard.

    Someone last night referred to “Gwen Awful.”

    Posted by Bean  on  10/06  at  06:39 AM

  12. Michael,

    While your Edwards advice wasn’t bad, I’m afraid it doesn’t hold a candle to that offered by Rude Pundit. I still haven’t stopped laughing.

    Posted by  on  10/07  at  06:38 AM

  13. Rude Pundit was great.  Very long “if . . . then” clause, though, so I’m not sure it would have worked on TV.

    Posted by Michael  on  10/07  at  06:47 AM

  14. 目前，门禁系统已成为安全防范系统中极其重要的一部分，在一些发达国家中，门禁系统正以远远高于其它类安防产品的进度迅猛发展。

    Posted by 门禁  on  11/29  at  08:11 AM

  15. Awesome! I can see you are doing your best to share some of what your getting here

    Posted by men's style advice  on  11/30  at  07:51 AM

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