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BUSH CAMPAIGN DEMANDS CHANGES IN DEBATE FORMAT

BY CARL CAMERON

Crawford, TX—The Bush campaign today released a set of guidelines and demands for the October 8 “town hall” Presidental debate at Washington University in St. Louis.

“What we learned in the first debate is that height matters,” said one campaign adviser.  “Even with the help of our photoshoppers over at our android ‘news’ station, we couldn’t manage to make Bush look as tall as Kerry.  And he kept slouching, too!  Barbara’s going to have to talk to him about that.  In the meantime, we’re demanding that Kerry remain seated on a kindergarten chair at all times during Friday’s debate.  It’s not undignified-- after all, the President has spent a great deal of time sitting in kindergarten chairs himself.  But it will take the edge off.”

Citing “blog” news analysts who have complained that the first debate, moderated by what one source called “a flaming liberal reporter from the Pervasive Bias System,” focused too much on President Bush’s record in office, a Bush spokesperson noted that second debate moderator Charles Gibson will be required to ask three times more questions about Kerry’s record as President than about Bush’s.  “Just because Bush has been in office all this time doesn’t mean people should ask questions about him, unless the people and the questions have been vetted by Karl Rove first,” said the official.  “Besides, we don’t think the election should be about the incumbent.  We think the American people deserve to know whether a Kerry presidency will be one of those orange-face, floral-pants, mixed-message, France-in-1940 affairs that will let the world drift toward tragedy.  We demand that Jean-Claude Kerry respond to the hypothetical future scenarios we have made up for him, so that the American people can decide this election in a fair and balanced way rather than obsessing over the micro details of the last four years.”

But most of all, Bush campaign staffers insist, the liberal media need to stop focusing on President Bush’s appearance.  “We never made a big deal out of the Gore reaction shots,” said one aide.  “Besides, there weren’t supposed to be any reaction shots.  We thought we made that pretty clear.  But instead, what’s clear is that we can’t trust the Axis of Weasels in the Killian-memo-flogging mainstream media when it comes to a simple agreement.  So for the second debate, there will be no reaction shots of the President, because the President himself will not be visible during the debate.”

Independent sources at Washington University confirm this report, pointing out that an enormous green curtain has been erected on President Bush’s portion of the stage.  “We’re still working on the reverb and the dry-ice thing,” said one university official.  “But when it’s all complete, it should be pretty impressive, we think.  We just hope no one in our audience arouses the wrath of the great and powerful President.  That could get ugly.”

Posted by on 10/04 at 04:01 AM

  1. Yes, but will they let Mr. Bush take the neighborhood test?

    Posted by Pudentilla  on  10/04  at  06:26 AM

  2. This time I recognized the satire right away, but by the time I finished I wasn’t so sure anymore.

    Posted by  on  10/04  at  06:40 AM

  3. I also hereby demand that a James Earl Jones be placed on stand-by to read the collected witticisms of Benjamin Franklin as an overdub for any awkward pauses, non-answers, stuttering, Nathan Thurmisms, and spontaneous Poland ejaculations from the President. Which is to say, the whole time.

    Posted by Norbizness  on  10/04  at  07:50 AM

  4. So, Carl, what are they planning for Dick Cheney’s backdrop?

    Posted by Bean  on  10/04  at  08:16 AM

  5. Thanks, Carl.

    Good work on that “parody” piece on Kerry’s manicure, by the way.  I’m sorry some irrelevant blogger called us on it so soon, or else we could have passed it off as having actually happened and gotten the rest of the SCLM to chase after it.  What fools they are.  Anyway, the Big Boss says thanks as well.

    Roger A.

    Posted by  on  10/04  at  08:25 AM

  6. And thank you, Roger, for all you’ve done over the years.  I think it’s safe to say that half the journalists in the business owe something to you (and hey, I wouldn’t even have a job if it weren’t for you, big guy).  And Bean, although we haven’t quite decided on a backdrop yet, we’re leaning toward this-- we think it captures the urgency of moment, don’t you?

    And for the record, the President’s Poland ejaculation was not “spontaneous.” It was somewhat premature-- he should have mentioned Australia first-- but we’re told that this happens to everyone.

    Posted by Carl  on  10/04  at  09:20 AM

  7. Your welcome, Carl.  You came well-recommended.  Your wife talked to someone who talked to someone…

    Hey, how’d you get the NYT to refer to you as “well-respected”?  Ha! Ha!  That was a scream.

    Posted by  on  10/04  at  09:45 AM

  8. I simply told them that you respected me, Roger.  They don’t check up on these things, you know.

    Posted by Carl  on  10/04  at  01:11 PM

  9. If the Bush campaign was on the ball it would cancel the remaining debates for reasons of consistency. What kind of mixed message does it send to troops and former allies when they tune in and see John Kerry debating the angry, blotchy and befuddled ghost of Richard Nixon, body language and all?

    Posted by  on  10/05  at  04:19 AM

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