Michael Bérubé - American Airspace

Draining the malaria swamp

It’s getting kind of dank in here, so let’s try airin’ out this humid blog with some Contrarian Wisdom.

It would be suicidal for the Democrats to talk about opening “investigations” if they win the House or Senate this fall. This kind of petty “gotcha” nonsense is precisely why the American people rejected the Democrats in 2000, when they had become the Party of Partisan Rancor, spending millions of dollars in pointless “investigations” and fanatical vendettas. Remember Filegate? Travelgate? Mike Espy? Henry Cisneros? Alexis Herman? The American people do, and that’s why almost half of them, as well as 55.5 percent of the Supreme Court, chose a uniter rather than a divider in 2000.

Overheated liberal bloggers have to realize that the American people don’t share their obsessions du jour. The American people aren’t worried about a little yellowcake here and a string of secret “detention and torture” sites there. By and large, Americans don’t concern themselves with arcane technical matters like the “separation of powers” and “signing statements” and “FISA courts.” They don’t lose sleep at night over who’s “disclosing” or “not disclosing” the identities of covert intelligence agents. They’re not all bent out of shape about a few missing “appropriations” in Iraq. Why, in the founding days of very our own democracy, mysterious no-bid contracts and corporate corruption accounted for almost three trillion dollars in “unaccounted allocations” (adjusted for 230 years of inflation). Did Alexander Hamilton throw a hissy fit? No, he did not. He knew, as we know, that when you’re making a democracy omelet, you almost always lose a few trillion eggs.

No one cares about pre-9/11 things like “Enron” and “energy policy.” No one wants to know all the mind-numbing minutiae of Jack Abramoff’s bipartisan fundraising operations. And no one, but no one, wants to hear about hookers and limousines. Not again—not after eight long demoralizing Clinton years of hookers and limousines, exhaustively documented by independent reporter Gary Aldrich.

It’s time for Democrats to “move on,” as they say, and give up these embarrassing revenge fantasies. And as they move on, they should consider this: for all their squawking about the “politicization” of “national security,” they have not expressed one word of gratitude for the fact that our national threat level has remained at “yellow” almost constantly since November 2004. That’s right: even though it’s gotten lost in the hurly-burly of far-left conspiracy-mongering and the baleful resurgence of Stalinist aesthetics, President Bush has made America safer in his second term, just as he had promised to do. Only once in the past eighteen months have we moved to the heightened “orange” alert—and even that one time, in the wake of the London bombing in July 2005, Michael Chertoff explicitly pointed out that the warning was “targeted only to the mass transit portion of the transportation sector—and I want to emphasize that—targeted only to the mass transit portion of the transportation sector.” Since the “mass transit portion” accounts for only .0003 % of the American transportation sector, most ordinary Americans were completely unaffected by this brief alert, and for that, most ordinary Americans are grateful. Far-left bloggers should take a moment to reflect on their security—and their good fortune—the next time they post their juvenile pictures of ponies. Those ponies enjoy their freedom today because of the vigilance of the President.

Posted by on 05/10 at 07:55 AM

That’s not the wisest strategy I’ve ever heard.

Posted by on 05/10 at 09:37 AM
Remember Filegate? Travelgate? Mike Espy? Henry Cisneros? Alexis Herman?

Lets not forget Socks.
1995: Rep. Dan Burton (R-IN), then chair of the House Government Reform and Oversight Committee, investigated whether taxpayers were footing the cost of stationery and postage for the fan club dedicated to President Clinton’s cat, Socks.

And I for one am truly grateful that former RTC investigator L. Jean Lewis can continue to show the diligence she exhibited in pursuing Madison Guaranty Savings and Loan in her new role as Chief of Staff in the frigging Defense Department’s Inspectors General Office. It would not be an exageration to say that the results from that office on oversight of contracts in Iraq speak for themselves.

Posted by on 05/10 at 09:51 AM
He knew, as we know, that when you’re making a democracy omelet, you almost always lose a few trillion eggs.

Is this why Merck and Halliburton have a no-bid contract to put Zocor in the Iraq water supply?

Posted by on 05/10 at 09:52 AM
Is this why Merck and Halliburton have a no-bid contract to put Zocor in the Iraq water supply?

Don’t worry - I’m sure L. Jean will get right on that one.

Posted by on 05/10 at 09:58 AM
That’s not the wisest strategy I’ve ever heard.

Again with the snark. And the litotes! Especially the litotes!

Is this why Merck and Halliburton have a no-bid contract to put Zocor in the Iraq water supply?

What water supply?

And I think we can all be thankful for J P Thankfulcrow’s addendum to the historical record.

Posted by on 05/10 at 10:00 AM
Forgive me, I’m new to this blog, but is it always like this? What is a snark anyways?

Posted by Jeremías on 05/10 at 11:44 AM
Jeremias: A snark is a Boojum, you see.

Posted by on 05/10 at 12:07 PM
I thought snark was “a discount variety of a small sailboat”

Posted by on 05/10 at 12:09 PM
I agree 100%, Michael, and I might add that Democrats need to come out full square for drilling more oil wells in the Artic and other places hardly anyone ever visits. Who cares about animals no one ever sees, anyway? And, of course, that’s why our next choice for Prez must be Joe Lieberman. The man and the hour have come together.

Posted by on 05/10 at 12:09 PM
Forgive me, I’m new to this blog, but is it always like this? What is a snark anyways?

You are forgiven, my son. The blog, by and large, is heartfelt and sincere. But the comments section is snark-infested, as you can see.

I agree 100%, Michael, and I might add that Democrats need to come out full square for drilling more oil wells in the Artic and other places hardly anyone ever visits.

Yeah, like Atlantic City! Seriously, Lefty, if we’d permitted drilling in the ANWR, and if the media weren’t such nattering nabobs of negativism on Iraq, gas would be a dollar a gallon today, and the Iraq rebuilding would finance itself. I hope the voters let the Democrat party feel their wrath in November, for the good of the party of course, and that the angry emails pulse in the queue of liberal reporters’ inboxes.

Posted by Michael on 05/10 at 01:33 PM
aww. my bowl of angry cornflakes just got soggy.

Posted by on 05/10 at 01:54 PM
"Just the place for a Snark!” the Bellman cried,
As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
By a finger entwined in his hair.

“Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
What I tell you three times is true.”

Posted by on 05/10 at 01:55 PM
Perhaps it’s not too soon to ditch the litotes?

(captcha: decision)

Posted by on 05/10 at 02:02 PM
…that’s why our next choice for Prez must be Joe Lieberman. The man and the hour have come together.

Um, what’s that called again? Oh yeah. The Apocalypse.

Posted by on 05/10 at 02:04 PM
Perhaps it’s not too soon to ditch the litotes?

That’s just what Bob Shrum told John Kerry, you know.

Posted by Michael on 05/10 at 02:04 PM
In all due respect, using the artificial rise and fall of that bizarre, color-coded national security threat meter as any indication of how “safe” we are/were is wildly misleading...and just plain wrong.

Posted by on 05/10 at 02:11 PM
that’s why almost half of them, as well as 55.5 percent of the Supreme Court,

What a reviving intake of fresh air! But that’s still a spot of moistness I detected right there. When you have such a great statesman leading the nation, who cares if he was elected with almost half or one quarter or .0003% of the votes?

Posted by on 05/10 at 02:46 PM
In all due respect, using the artificial rise and fall of that bizarre, color-coded national security threat meter as any indication of how “safe” we are/were is wildly misleading...and just plain wrong.

Great. Now somebody tells me. And what am I supposed to do with all this duct tape?

Posted by on 05/10 at 03:10 PM
Did Alexander Hamilton throw a hissy fit?

I would think that the Vice President at that time (and probably this time as well, given his presumed temperment and constant proximity to firearms) certainly thought so. But that treason trial was over the top.

Posted by on 05/10 at 03:16 PM
And what am I supposed to do with all this duct tape?
You haven’t told us which of the rainbow of colors of duct tape you possess. The dayglow orange pink is quite lovely this time of year.

Bush in interview with Bild (White House press office transcript) reiterates substantive important views:

Germans have always been
incredibly efficient, capable
business people, and when they
make a product, it is always
of the highest quality.

And summing up

The point now is how do we work
together to achieve important goals.
And one such goal is
a democracy in Germany.

captcha word here is “evidence”

Posted by on 05/10 at 03:20 PM
Ok. Channelling Instaputz and friends and then hyperlinking to breath satirical wind into this post is just waaay too damn scary for today. Oh, and lay off the litotes sauce, too much of that shit and *poof* your’re a fellow traveller. Just go ask Alice, I think she’ll know.

Posted by on 05/10 at 03:47 PM
It’s only a short ride to the next wildlife refuge.

Posted by on 05/10 at 04:01 PM
The rarely disinformative Wikipedia offers this morsel on malaria—

Malaria as treatment

Before antibiotics, patients with syphilis were intentionally infected with malaria to create a fever. By accurately controlling the fever with quinine, the effects of both syphilis and malaria could be avoided.

There you have it, postantibiotical proof of Design’s Intelligence.

Posted by black dog barking on 05/10 at 04:17 PM
Perhaps it’s not too soon to ditch the litotes?

Agreed. This way lies madness. Not unlike an Al Gore administration. And let’s not even start on paralipsis, much less tme-fucking-sis.

Posted by on 05/10 at 07:41 PM
And what am I supposed to do with all this duct tape?

Where’s your can-do spirit? Your get-up-and-go? Your stick-to-it-tiveness? (ha!) You’re sitting on a gold mine! Duct-tape wallets are all the rage with today’s “hipster” youth. Also backpacks, hats, guitar straps, and manly flowers.

Act fast and you can corner the market with your own “Certified Dangerous” Brand duct-tape accessories. A snappy logo, a hentai/Red Bull-style website, some viral marketing—and pretty soon “Certified Dangerous” will be the brand of smirky crap everyone must have to signal their contempt for mass culture.

Okay, you won’t get rich, as in Bush-base rich; it’s no Halliburton. And you’d better step on it; these kids are a fickle, Ritalin-addled bunch. (Try unloading a Von Dutch trucker hat these days!) But play your cards right and “Certified Dangerous” Brand will give you a nice little nest egg. Which you’ll need come the revolution, when the universities are purged of effete and incorrect influences.

I believe in the teach-a-man-to-fish philosophy that made our country great, so here’s a wallet how-to.

Good luck, and God bless!

Posted by on 05/11 at 09:25 AM

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