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You gotta have a strong constitution

It is becoming increasingly clear that the illegal al-Obama X Administration* is flouting the original intentions of the framers of the Constitution.  Moreover, as cutting-edge conservative legal scholarship has shown, many of the post-Reconstruction amendments to the Constitution contravene the intentions of the Founding Fathers.  Most alarming of all, however, Tea Party Patriots™ have recently discovered that the Constitution itself does not understand the true original intentions of its framers.

It’s all very confusing, we know.  So in order to keep things straight, we here at American Airspace have decided to offer this handy summary of the 2010 GOP Platform on Amending the Amendments to the Constitution:

First Amendment.  Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise of the Christian religion; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.  All but the first of the foregoing clauses may be refudiated in times of dire Emergency.  Most importantly, the right of conservatives to speak without being criticized for their views shall be respected at all times.

Second Amendment.  The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.  Perhaps this should be in ALL CAPS.

Third through Seventh Amendments.  These are badly outdated and no one really cares about them anyway.

Eighth Amendment.  Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, unless there be a Ticking Time Bomb, or the possibility of such is equal to or greater than one Percent.

Ninth Amendment.  This one can stay.

Tenth Amendment.  The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people, lest there be any attempt to ram “health care” down their Throats.

Eleventh and Twelfth Amendments.  Bo-ring.

Secret Thirteenth Amendment, recently discovered by Nicolas Cage.  If any citizen of the United States shall accept, claim, receive or retain any title of nobility or honor, such as a subscription to Esquire, or shall, without the consent of Congress accept and retain any present, pension, office or emolument of any kind whatever, such as a Nobel Prize, from any emperor, king, prince or foreign power, such person, we are looking at you, Barack Hussein al-Obama X, shall cease to be a citizen of the United States, if indeed you ever were, and shall be incapable of holding any office of trust or profit under them, or either of them.

Other Thirteenth Amendment.  It would be unlucky to have two Thirteenth Amendments.

Fourteenth Amendment.  1.  All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside, except persons born to Illegals. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws, unless such person wants to marry another person of the same sex or unless such law or such deprivation is determined to be really really necessary (see “dire Emergency,” above).

2.  The Confederate flag shall be recognized and revered as a symbol of Southern heritage and pride.

Fifteenth Amendment.  Oh, all right already, you people can vote.  Just stop your whining.  And what are you all doing with cellular telephones, if you’re so “poor?”

Sixteenth Amendment.  Revised to read, simply, taxation is theft.

Seventeenth Amendment.  Crossed out with a big black magic marker.

Nineteenth Amendment.  Under further review (no, seriously).

Twenty-fourth Amendment.  Repealed.  Freedom isn’t free, you know.

OK, now you’re all caught up on the latest developments in True Original Constitutional Intentionalism!  Don’t forget, people– vote Tea Party™ in November, and take your country back!

_______

*Because the al-Obama X Administration was installed in the White House by the JournoListers of Bilderberg, the “election” of 2008 is null and void under natural law.

Posted by on 08/09 at 08:14 AM
  1. A brilliant and patriotic approach to stemming the tide of rampant socialism. But I’m surprised you left out the other 13th—the Corwin Amendment— signed by Buchanan a couple of days before Lincoln took office and still waiting to be ratified:

    “No amendment shall be made to the Constitution which will authorize or give to Congress the power to abolish or interfere, within any State, with the domestic institutions thereof, including that of persons held to labor or service by the laws of said State.”

    Sure, it seems to be pro-slavery on the surface, but it would reduce unemployment and help struggling small businesses and family farms to survive Obama’s Marxist Machine.

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  11:03 AM
  2. Sir!  I am deeply offended by your comment’s insinuation that Tea Party Patriotism™ is pro-slavery.  The Tea Party™ is committed to freedom, I say, freedom, including the right of employees to work for free.  And we stand firm behind the right of free states to resist federal tyranny.  But that has nothing to do with slavery, sir!  Also, some of our best friends are colored.

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  11:30 AM
  3. If you haven’t alreadys een this, I thought you might enjoy it:

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-passionate-defender-of-what-he-imagines-c,2849/

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  11:55 AM
  4. You also forgot the other 13th amendment that allows Arnold Swartzenager to fill in as interim President until Jenna Bush is old enough to ascend to the oval office. Either that or expand the Bush Waiver of Constitutional Responsibility to the next generation. Comme ci, comme ça.

    Captcha: study. No, you study.

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  11:57 AM
  5. Ninth Amendment. This one can stay.

    Bzzt!  Bork and his posse have explicitly derided the Ninth Amendment.  Once you acknowledge that people have unenumerated rights, it’s slightly trickier to justify, e.g., stormtroopers bashing down the doors of homosexuals having private consensual sex and dragging them off to prison.  (Scalia and Thomas gave it a go in Lawrence, but neither of them believes in the Ninth Amendment either, so they were cheating.)

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  12:34 PM
  6. I used to like the idea of Jenna Bush in the Oval Office, but since 9/12, I’ve become a huge fan of Ken Cuccinelli.

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  12:37 PM
  7. And mds, as the link in arseidman’s comment makes clear, the people never “retained” any right to sodomy in the first place.  Bork and his posse are breaking down an open door.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  12:42 PM
  8. Bork’s hatred for the Ninth Amendment goes beyond sodomy to the level of “As an originalist / strict constructionist, I refuse to accept the existence of the Ninth Amendment, which is purely the result of liberals overinterpreting a quill inkblot.”

    Bork and his posse are breaking down an open door.

    Chicka-

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

    Never mind.

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  12:55 PM
  9. Both John Lott and Mary Rosh agree the 19th Amendment has to go!

    Posted by John Protevi  on  08/09  at  03:47 PM
  10. Was there not some creative amendment writing on this here blog at some early juncture? I seem to recall it but my mad Google skillz seem to have deserted me.

    And I cannot believe that you are actually talking favorably about taxes with regard to the 24th Amendment. Discrimination at the polling place should be done via civics and literacy tests, the way God intended.

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  03:48 PM
  11. some of our best friends are colored.

    Well except for the yellow, red and brown colors.  This would also require a rejection of the infamous and nefarious Commerce Clause because it mentions people who weren’t here before the white people were here.  We need to keep the tenth clause though because it encourages war with muslims everywhere.

    I am fairly certain that Tea Party Patriotism requires an immediate repeal of the 3rd Amendment to insure that each home is honoring the 2nd Amendment.

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  03:58 PM
  12. I am fairly certain that Tea Party Patriotism requires an immediate repeal of the 3rd Amendment to insure that each home is honoring the 2nd Amendment.

    Fine ... as long as we get rid of the ban on gays serving openly in the military first.  Mua-HA-ha-ha-haaaaaa!

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  04:02 PM
  13. John @ 9—yes, I did see that Professor Lott-Rosh’s groundbreaking work has laid the foundation for the repeal of the 19th.  Remember, more women voters, more crime.

    Posted by Michael  on  08/09  at  04:09 PM
  14. To be fair to Professor Lott-Rosh, think of how many on the left support the 19th Amendment because of the Bellesiles Doctrine, in which close examination of the probate documents for the Founding Fathers revealed their support for women’s suffrage.

    Posted by John Protevi  on  08/09  at  04:41 PM
  15. Was there not some creative amendment writing on this here blog at some early juncture?

    Well, JP, there was the time the third amendment appeared in person, if that’s what you mean.

    And John, that’s not the half of it.  Think of how many people on the left support the 19th Amendment because of the Ward Churchill Doctrine, which holds that prior to 1920, women were routinely killed by being wrapped in smallpox-infested blankets.

    Posted by Michael  on  08/09  at  06:22 PM
  16. women were routinely killed by being wrapped in smallpox-infested blankets

    But not the children, thus insuring we wouldn’t need an Amendment letting them vote.

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  09:16 PM
  17. Think of how many people on the left support the 19th Amendment because of the Ward Churchill Doctrine, which holds that prior to 1920, women were routinely killed by being wrapped in smallpox-infested blankets.

    Huh.  As a leftist, I thought I supported the 19th Amendment because militant feminism, like gay rights, advances the cause of fundamentalist Islam.  Which edition of the manual are you using?

    Posted by  on  08/09  at  10:32 PM
  18. militant feminism, like gay rights, advances the cause of fundamentalist Islam

    Oh come on now, mds.  That doesn’t even make any damn sense.

    Posted by Michael  on  08/10  at  10:34 AM
  19. 15: Well, JP, there was the time the third amendment appeared in person, if that’s what you mean.

    Nah, it was from some pre-apocalyptic version of the blog. ... Ah wait, here it is, “New First Amendment” March, 2006. And funnily enough it had some similarities: Most important, Congress shall see to it that all opinions shall be protected from Criticism, because Criticism just totally violates their rights under this Amendment. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

    Posted by  on  08/10  at  12:56 PM
  20. I found the other new amendment thread from March 2006, but it my comment with the link was apparently marked as spam.

    Posted by  on  08/10  at  12:58 PM
  21. from the “you can’t make this up department” down the street in the other building:

    Lott turned weird, first by claiming to have conducted a large national survey that he couldn’t prove to have done, and then by inventing an online alter ego named Mary Rosh to blog his praises. Still, he is widely quoted.

    in an essay on carrying concealed weapons i was reading this morning.

    Posted by  on  08/10  at  01:33 PM
  22. Fixed, JP.  Sorry about that—I actually disabled Akismet recently, and found that as a result, only friends and regular commenters (and your humble blogger himself) were held in moderation, while the spambots roamed freely over the archives.  Sigh.

    Anyway, good to see I’m repeating myself again, again.

    Posted by  on  08/10  at  01:43 PM
  23. Meanwhile, we are supposed to be lining up at our local law enforcement stations to be tested for drinking the kool-aid:

    “I hear these people saying he’s like George Bush. Those people ought to be drug tested,” Gibbs said. “I mean, it’s crazy.”

    Laurence Fishburne’s daughter says that the Obama movie, she is currently filming, is replete with Nazi and Soviet regalia, features his “little Eichmann,” and the producers will remove the “X” temporarily from the POTUS anatomy.

    Posted by  on  08/10  at  01:54 PM
  24. Anyway, good to see I’m repeating myself again, again. being steadfast and consistent.

    Posted by  on  08/10  at  02:36 PM
  25. Michael, I was unable to read your comment 2 without hearing it as “Boy, I say The Tea Party™ is committed to freedom, I say, freedom,” in the voice of Foghorn Leghorn.

    Posted by  on  08/10  at  11:43 PM
  26. vote Tea Party™ in November, and take your country back!

    So we’re curving on the retrograde now?  ‘Fraid so.

    Posted by  on  08/11  at  04:21 AM
  27. Michael @ 15

    Thanks for remembering my earlier appearance. I would have dropped by this posyt before but I’ve been on vacation.

    Anyway, I’m glad to see that - at least by impliczation - you’re now in a position to see the importance of taliking about my repeal.

    That said, i don’t think that abandoning as outdated goes far enough; I’d like to suggest that according to the revised 3rd amendment quartering should be compulsory.

    Best wishes

    3A.

    Posted by 3rd Amendment  on  08/12  at  07:40 AM
  28. unless there be a Ticking Time Bomb, or the possibility of such is equal to or greater than one Percent.

    Hold on a minute! When our heroic protectors have finally made a daring capture of Muhammad al-Jihad McBombface, carefully refrained from Mirandizing him, and brought him to their super-secret high-tech interrogation room, and they see the red numbers on his ticking-time-bomb wristwatch approaching zero or some other lowish number, do you expect them to waste their precious seconds calculating probabilities? Sure, and then I suppose you want to send him to a cushy, hotel-like “prison,” or maybe even get a “trial” in some cushy, hotel-like “courtroom,” where he’s represented by a cushy, hotel-like “lawyer”! Forsooth!

    I propose that your wording be altered to: “the possibility of such MIGHT BE equal to or greater than one Percent, GIVE OR TAKE.” Also, there should be a clause where this Amendment can automatically be revoked or altered at will by any law-enforcement or military personnel, but only if they say that it’s important.

    Posted by  on  08/12  at  12:32 PM
  29. Yes, GIVE OR TAKE. Taken in context this, of course, simplifies to TAKE.

    captcha: army. Of one. L’État c’est moi.

    Posted by  on  08/12  at  01:25 PM
  30. Just caught an oversight. Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise of the Christian religion needs the explicit caveat, “For the purposes of this amendment, social justice initiatives are not categorized as being ‘free exercise’”. But I think we can leave it to the courts to place further limits on the activities of predominantly black churches.

    Posted by  on  08/12  at  03:13 PM
  31. Yeah, mds, Gonzales specifically told Congress that he doesn’t think people have unenumerated rights.

    Also too, “Nicholas” Cage?  Am I missing teh joke?  I really want to be aware if there’s an internet tradition being alluded to here.

    Posted by  on  08/18  at  05:28 PM
  32. Josh, a hint about your inquiry is available here.

    Posted by  on  08/19  at  01:10 PM
  33. Oh, I see, I have to lose the “h.” All this time, I had no idea.  No wonder he doesn’t answer my letters.

    Posted by  on  08/20  at  11:33 AM
  34. ???  There’s no “h” in Cage.

    And I selected the IMDB page for the relevant film, not the entry for Mr. Caghe himself, which has a trivia item detailing the whole wacky story behind the missing consonant.* Woops.

    *This is not true.  Beyond the biography noting that his birth name is “Nicholas,"** the IMDB is silent on the h.

    **Note that Wikipedia states his birth name as “Nicolas” ... while referencing yet another online bio that spells his birth name “Nicholas."***

    ***See, kids, this is why so many of your elderly, unhip teachers start weeping silently when you use internet content for citations.

    Posted by  on  08/20  at  12:53 PM

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