Michael Bérubé - American Airspace

Monkey business

Hey kids! There’s a really interesting article in the Chronicle of Higher Education about the U.S. Department of Education! Unfortunately, because the Chronicle is subscriber-only, you can’t get to it from this humble blog. But thanks to the wonders of “copy/ paste,” I can excerpt part of it for you! Of course, you know what happens when I excerpt news articles— sometimes I embellish ‘em a little below the asterisks. But that’s OK, kids, because it makes learning fun!

So, without further ado:

Educators Question Absence of Evolution From List of Majors Eligible for New Grants

By Sam Kean

Like a gap in the fossil record, evolutionary biology is missing from a list of majors that the U.S. Department of Education has deemed eligible for a new federal grant program designed to reward students majoring in engineering, mathematics, science, or certain foreign languages.

That absence apparently indicates that students in the evolutionary sciences do not qualify for the grants, and some observers are wondering whether the omission was deliberate.

The question arises at a time when evolution has become a political hot potato at all levels of education. While the theory of evolution has overwhelming support from scientists, some conservative Christian groups argue for alternative explanations of the origins of life, including “intelligent design,” which holds that an intelligent agent guided the creation of life.

Even President Bush has weighed in, advocating teaching “both sides of the debate.”

The awards in question—known as Smart Grants, for the National Science and Mathematics Access to Retain Talent program—were created by Congress this year, with strong support from the president. The grants are worth up to $4,000 and are awarded in addition to Pell grants.

Recipients must be college juniors or seniors enrolled in one of the technical fields of study that the Department of Education has deemed eligible for funds. Many different topics, as varied as astronomy and Arabic, qualify.

But evolutionary biology is absent.

The department has an index of classification numbers—referred to as “CIP codes,” for the Classification of Instructional Programs—for all academic areas of instruction.

Under that classification scheme, there is a heading for “Ecology, Evolution, Systematics and Population Biology,” under which 10 biological fields are defined. For instance, ecology is 26.1301, and evolutionary biology is 26.1303.

But on a list that defines majors eligible for the grants, issued by the department in May, one of those 10 is missing. On that list, the classification numbers rise in order from 26.1301 to 26.1309—with the exception of a blank line where 26.1303, or evolutionary biology, would fall.

***

A spokesman for Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings insisted that the Smart Grants had never included a 26.1303 classification number for evolutionary biology. “26.1302, Marine Biology and Biological Oceanography, has always been followed by 26.1304, Aquatic Biology/Limnology, and we have recently revised all our past publications to reflect this,” said the aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Evolutionary biology is a speculative field, a ‘theory,’ not a scientific area of study, and the federal grant structure has always acknowledged this fact.”

Intelligent Design advocate Phillip Johnson hailed the news. “People who believe in the secular religion of ‘evolutionism’ don’t need Smart Grants. They think they’re so bright, they can apply to one of those godless-humanist foundations for ‘Bright Grants’ if they really want to indoctrinate high school students into their little cult.”

In related news, the Department of Education announced that Daniel Dennett had been added to the department’s List of Unpersons, joining Stephen Jay Gould, P. Z. Myers, and Clarence Darrow. The List of Unpersons, like Classification 26.1303, does not exist, according to high-level sources within the department.

This story will be modified in the future to meet evolving U.S. Department of Education standards.

Tomorrow, we’ll have another post about Science!

Posted by on 08/22 at 01:31 PM

So since I don’t get The Chronicle, I have to guess what part is the embellishment? Sadly, the quotes all sound quite probable. (And we have always been at war with Oceania.)

Posted by on 08/22 at 03:05 PM
I know this is wrong in so many ways; but I keep wishing that there was a metric of plausibility, so I could say that evolution is say; a ten, and intelligent design is, let’s say; a one – along with theses like “the pyramids were obviously built by aliens” (or was it psychics?).

I actually took the time to understand Intelligent Design. Moments of my life that I’ll never get back. Much like reading an Anne Rice novel.

Posted by Central Content Publisher on 08/22 at 03:25 PM
If the pyramids weren’t built by aliens, CCP, then how come they’re perfectly symmetrical when seen from above? Hmmmm?

You do not seem to be very wise in the ways of Science.

Posted by on 08/22 at 03:36 PM
CCP, it’s simple:

on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is impossible and 10 is certain, Intelligent Design would be stupid. On other hand, the more coherent 9/11 conspiracy theories (the subject of another intrepid Chronicle voyage) would get a 3.

Also, “even President Bush has weighed in” on this hot topic? Wow! Everybody must be debatin’ it in the bistros and the pubs and the science places! buzz buzz buzz, what will they come up with when it’s all said and done?

Posted by on 08/22 at 03:55 PM
Once I listened to a Person of Real Accomplishment In the World say not only that the pyramids were built by aliens, but that those very same aliens bred with primates to give rise to homo sapiens. You heard it here first: we’re alien-gorilla hybrids. And evolution doesn’t proceed from the ground up, but from aliens down.

Posted by on 08/22 at 03:58 PM
Darwinist lies can’t ‘count for
Creation’s complexity!
So the DoE’s funding no more
Twenty-six point thirteen oh three-ee-ee-ee
(Twenty-six point thirteen oh three-ee-ee-ee)

captcha: six, or, on a scale of one to ten, roughly the shame I feel for posting this.

Posted by on 08/22 at 03:58 PM
Once I listened to a Person of Real Accomplishment In the World say not only that the pyramids were built by aliens, but that those very same aliens bred with primates to give rise to homo sapiens.

Whoa! So that means the aliens must have stuck around a really, really long time. Let me think. OK, first they planted that black monolith in the African plains. Then they had their way with the local hominids. Then they hung around for a couple of million years to lend a hand on a couple of Egyptian engineering projects? That’s so cool. I suppose this means they’re probably among us right now, helping to edit and publish Wired?

Posted by Michael on 08/22 at 04:08 PM
Even President Bush has weighed in, advocating teaching “both sides of the debate.”

I liked it better when Bush was studying existentialism. By the way, Michael, where was the cunning wit of “Le Blog” during that episode? Seems like you could have gone wild with the whole “killing an Arab” thing. Too easy?

Posted by on 08/22 at 04:30 PM
I suppose this means they’re probably among us right now, helping to edit and publish Wired?

Actually, the part I left out is that the aliens are among us right now, orchestrating world events from the inner circle/upper eschelon of the freemasons (not sure if there’s a Wired connection, but I’ll look into it). I’m not kidding. That’s what the guy said. And then he paid Le Cirque for my filet mignon.

Posted by on 08/22 at 04:47 PM
"You do not seem to be very wise in the ways of Science.” I know you’re kidding, but it’s actually true. I have no scientific education whatsoever. In fact, I have very little education at all - except for a general interest in reading, and a compulsive habit of falsifying. By all accounts, I should be at the bottom of the rational person scale (and I do have my moments, but...).

Frankly, it scares the hell out of me that most of my neighbours not only think that angels, aliens, intelligent design, the DaVinci code, psychic powers, astrology, virgin births, lucky charms, reincarnation, ghosts, and magical powers are possible; but that they actually think these things are more likely than say: carbon dating. What happens if I’m faced with a judge who’s this irrational? Or a cop? Or a social worker? Or a representative in parliament? Or a mob?

At a time when it would be nice to think that universities are injecting rationality into the populous (which, actually, I think they are), it leaves me slack-jawed to see the populous successfully injecting irrationality into universities.

Posted by Central Content Publisher on 08/22 at 05:54 PM
Pat and Michael,

Had you seen Alien vs. Predator, you would know that space beings not only built the pyramids but also continue to use them to breed the Queen Alien and train budding warriors. In fact, if we don’t join forces with the Predators soon, we’re all destined to become the unwilling hosts of Alien offspring.

So, really, there’s no reason to study science at all--unless, of course, science can teach us to avoid facehuggers.

Posted by on 08/22 at 05:58 PM
CCP, I want my moments back from learning about ID, too. Also I think extensive reading and a habit of falsifying are very good bases for an educated mind.

I know people who believe in astrology and/or psychic powers. They think *they* have psychic powers. I’m like, throw me a bone here. Predict something and let’s see if it comes true. But no, it doesn’t work like that. These things seem to be most useful for explaining what already happened.

Captcha: spirit. I guess I should be glad I don’t know anyone who think they talk to the dead.

Posted by on 08/22 at 06:32 PM
Such a clever acronym for the SMART grants (what will Congress think up next?), but I’m afraid I’m having a little trouble sussing out what the BRIGHT grants stand for. I mean, I can get as far as Berating Religious Idiots and Getting Huge… but I can’t quite work out the “T”. A little help?

Posted by Marita on 08/22 at 06:40 PM
Here is wisdom. He who has understanding, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is a CIP code. Its number is twenty-six point one three zero three.

The reality-based community is being too nuanced in pushing their message. I think the ticket is something like a simple ritual chant that both shows respect for human dignity and uniqueness, as well as reinforcing scientific principles.
For instance:

Not to go on All-Fours; that is the Law. Are we not men?
Not to suck up Drink; that is the Law. Are we not men?
Not to be willfully ignorant; that is the Law. Are we not men?
Not to multiply entities beyond necessity; that is the Law. Are we not men?
...

Posted by on 08/22 at 06:51 PM
Aaaah, CCP, yer always after me lucky charms.

I liked it better when Bush was studying existentialism. By the way, Michael, where was the cunning wit of “Le Blog” during that episode?

Whatchu mean? I thought I demonstrated pretty clearly that Bush’s reading of Heidegger’s Being and Time, sections 43-44, didn’t stand up to close scrutiny. And it was funny, too! You know that old Heidegger joke—“take my wife, please! now there’s a woman who’s always Being-with-others!” That slayed ‘em at the Black Forest Humor Festival in ‘31.

Had you seen Alien vs. Predator, you would know that space beings not only built the pyramids but also continue to use them to breed the Queen Alien and train budding warriors. In fact, if we don’t join forces with the Predators soon, we’re all destined to become the unwilling hosts of Alien offspring.

Good point, Liz, but as it happens, this blog does not support the Predators. While we duly condemn the Aliens and their imperialistic facehugging, we reject the binary thinking of “the enemy of my Alien enemy is my Predator friend.”

Marita: how about Berating Religious Idiots for the Good of Humanist Teachers Everywhere . . . d’oh!

And JP, I like that chant, but doesn’t the second principle conflict with other Man Laws that require us to suck up Drink on the Weekends?

Posted by Michael on 08/22 at 08:23 PM
If anyone wants a winning argument against intelligent design then I choose Hemorrhoids. No intelligent designer would have overlooked such a fundamentally simple design flaw that creates such needless suffering, especially not the LOVING GOD that these nut-cases imply was behind the blueprints.

More funding needs to go to finding out what fucking drugs these lunatics are on.

Posted by saltydog on 08/22 at 08:33 PM
RE: monkey business

Scientists Find Brain Evolution Gene
http://beepbeepitsme.blogspot.com/2006/08/scientists-find-brain-evolution-gene.html

Posted by beepbeepitsme on 08/22 at 10:03 PM
Speaking of Bush and existentialism, I thought this was pretty funny:
http://www.prospect.org/web/page.ww?section=root&name=ViewWeb&articleId=11887

(Sorry, I’m no good with the tag thingie.)

“‘Hell is other people’ doesn’t poll well.”

Posted by on 08/22 at 10:19 PM
Maybe this one’ll work:
http://www.prospect.org/web/printfriendly-view.ww?id=11887
(It’s “My Summer Reading Journal - George W. Bush reads Camus (as told to Julian Sanchez)” on The American Prospect Online.)

Posted by on 08/23 at 09:12 AM
then how come they’re perfectly symmetrical when seen from above?

Well, depending on where one draws the axis, the Pyramids are not necessarily perfectly bilaterally symmetrical. Therefore, God made them instead. I reject the atheistic theories of the elite, latte-sipping Stargatists.

I suppose this means they’re probably among us right now, helping to edit and publish Wired?

Well, the alien-gorilla hybrids might be, though inbreeding has reinforced the gorilla portion of the mix. I mean, have you read Wired recently?

I guess I can take slight comfort in the fact that the evolutionary biology category was merely excised, and not openly replaced with ~~creationism~~ Intelligent Design(TM). The real line will be crossed when the federal tax dollars are preferentially handed to religious groups. Just imagine how disturbing it would be if sex-ed funding were being given to the Moonies*.

*No slur against the wackos of the Unification Church / Family Federation for World Peace should be inferred from use of the term “Moonie.”

Posted by on 08/23 at 09:28 AM
I submit that, on the Sixth Day of Creation, the Lord our God created CIP code 26.1303 as an enduring test of our faith and a testament to His Greatness.

Posted by Dan on 08/24 at 12:52 PM
... or it was inserted by Satan, the Great Deceiver, to lead God’s sheep astray.

(Captcha: “doubt,” as in, “There is no doubt: the Lord is in control!")

Posted by Dan on 08/24 at 01:02 PM
but doesn’t the second principle conflict with other Man Laws that require us to suck up Drink on the Weekends?

Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a law…
So as long as you don’t get down on all fours on a weekend and suck up beer from a puddle you’re OK. (Unless, of course, you absolutely need to for some good reason...)

[And you so nuanced up my simple concept with your purported “conflict”, that it took a whole drive to upstate New York for me to untangle it and come up with the appropriate disambiguation.]

Posted by on 08/25 at 12:44 AM

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