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Party of death

Following the release of a new psychological study that indicates voters prefer George Bush over John Kerry only when they are asked to think about death, Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge has raised the terror alert level to “black,” the White House revealed today.

The new level-- “higher and worser” than red, according to President Bush-- suggests that a terrorist attack is only minutes away and will involve either flesh-eating bacteria or gradual disembowelment.  However, Ridge stressed in a press conference today that the threat was “nonspecific.” “All we know is that they’re coming for you and your infant child, perhaps as we speak,” Ridge said.  “The information is highly reliable, and is absolutely not based on intelligence that is three or four years old, like our last warning.  Therefore we are asking Americans to go about their business as usual, but to remain in a state of gut-wrenching fear at all times.”

The new terror alert reflects a dramatic shift in administration policy over the past week, as high-ranking cabinet officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity, reported that the Bush campaign had jettisoned plans to present the GOP as the party of “hope” and “optimism” in the 2004 elections.  Instead, officials say, Republicans now prefer to be seen as the party of death.

“Hope?  Screw hope.  Optimism?  Optimism can go fuck itself.  Check out this passage from the CNN story,” said one official:

“There are people all over who are claiming every time Bush is in trouble he generates fear by declaring an imminent threat,” said Sheldon Solomon of Skidmore College in Saratoga Springs, New York, who worked on the study.  “We are saying this is psychologically useful,” said Solomon. . . .

No matter what a person’s political conviction, thinking about death made them tend to favor Bush, Solomon said. Otherwise, they preferred Kerry.

“It doesn’t get much clearer than that, does it?” continued the official.  “That report came out last Friday, and we raised the terror level on Monday.  Now we’re simply taking it to the next level.  Look-- voters now prefer Kerry on the economy, on education, on health care, on ‘cares about people like me,’ even on Iraq, for Chrissake.  We’re tied in the South, and we’re even tied among veterans. What the hell do we have left?  Well, I’ll tell you what.  We have death.  And death kicks ass.”

Despite the remarkable speed with which the terror level was raised following the release of the new study, White House sources say that there has been internal dissension in the Bush administration, with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld arguing that the Republicans should be the party of “swift and certain” death, and Vice President Dick Cheney insisting that the GOP should be associated instead with “protracted and agonizing” death. 

“The fact that we’re talking about flesh-eating bacteria and gradual disembowelment,” said Lex Luthor, senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, “suggests to me that Cheney has won this round.”

Political analysts note that the new strategy poses risks, however.  “The Republicans haven’t run as the party of death in forty years,” noted Jimmy Olson of the Brookings Institution, “not since back when Barry Goldwater famously declared that ‘thermonuclear apocalypse in the defense of liberty is no vice.’ That didn’t work in ‘64, but I don’t know about now.  Personally, I’m considering switching to Bush.  He may be a disaster on the economy, on the environment, on energy policy, on civil liberties, and on the war, but he just might be the only man who can save me and my children from flesh-eating bacteria.”

In a related development, former Vermont governor and Presidential candidate Howard Dean was detained by federal officials and is being held indefinitely at St. Elizabeth’s Psychiatric Hospital for “observation.” “The terror level is black,” said one distinguished psychiatrist assigned to Dean’s case.  “We can’t have a complete lunatic like Dean running around out there.”

Posted by on 08/04 at 02:25 AM

  1. Shoulda been in the movies, Michael.  Wow!

    Posted by  on  08/04  at  12:40 PM

  2. Would the “party of hate” equate with the “party of fear and darkness”?

    This, in light of the latest terror alert.  Did W’s or Tom Ridge’s mother never explain the moral of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf?” How many will it take before alerts no longer alert us?

    Posted by  on  08/04  at  04:17 PM

  3. That was intended to ask if it equated to the “party of death”.  Sorry…

    Posted by  on  08/04  at  04:18 PM

  4. I dunno, “party of death” just sounds cooler.  Maybe the Bush/Cheney tour bus could get itself a bitchin’ customizing job that said, “PARTY OF DĄTH” in Gothic lettering with, like, a painting of a dragon and maybe a really ripped guy with a loincloth and a sword.  That would rock.

    And Bean, thank you kindly, but I don’t know anything about those moving pictures.  All I want is for one of the Daily Show writers to stop by this here blog and offer me a part-time job as a freelancer.  That would rock too.

    Posted by  on  08/04  at  07:12 PM

  5. Michael,
    Soyinka’s in agreement with you, too!  Did you see Henry Louis Gates’ column on Wole Soyinka in the Times?  I was struck by the final paragraph in relation to your (brilliant, I might add) post:

    “In the face of this, Mr. Soyinka concludes, a choice must be made. ‘It’s my duty to fight those who have chosen to belong to the party of death, those who say they receive their orders from God somewhere and believe they have a duty to set the world on fire to achieve their own salvation, whether they are in the warrens of Iraq, or in the White House,’ he said to me. ‘I prefer to be a card-carrying member of the party of life.’”

    Were you in cahoots with Skip in planning this one?

    Posted by David Morgen  on  08/04  at  08:37 PM

  6. Posted by: tc :

    “Would the “party of hate” equate with the “party of fear and darkness”?

    Yes, and the GOP is very, very comfortable with that.

    “This, in light of the latest terror alert. Did W’s or Tom Ridge’s mother never explain the moral of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf?” How many will it take before alerts no longer alert us?”

    As long as that doesn’t happen before 8PM Pacific Time on Tuesday, Nov 2, 2004, the administration clearly doesn’t care.  If they inherit a smoking ruin of a country for their second term, that’s better than losing.  And if they trash the country and lose anyway, that’s revenge on the Democrats.

    Posted by  on  08/05  at  04:47 AM

  7. Wow, a whole new disease category has just been discovered by the RNC! How soon before the CDC is issuing alerts about necrotizing Bushitis? (Or would that involve the Resident’s spine dissolving into putrescent slime? If the latter, then it’s already happened....)

    Posted by  on  08/05  at  05:18 AM

  8. Personally, I’m just waiting for the plague of the flesh-eating beetles, a la The Mummy. The terror alert level would be ultra-violet, which is the new black.

    Posted by  on  08/05  at  08:22 AM

  9. Brilliant. Is that the Daily Show on line 1 for you?

    One quibble: where’s the crucifixion? wouldn’t they work that in somewhere in relation to the protracted agonizing death? Or stoning, how about some stonings of adulterers? or Clintons?

    “Nearly 10 out of 10 likely voters polled said they would “most likely vote for Bush” rather than be “scourged and crucified.”

    Posted by  on  08/05  at  08:37 AM

  10. Although the satire was fabulous, sometimes the truth is even better.  This posted recently from the AP (I’m heartened to know that at least the Republicans won’t be outsourcing death):

    **********************************

    President Bush offered up a new entry for his catalog of “Bushisms” on Thursday, declaring that his administration will “never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people.”

    Bush misspoke as he delivered a speech at the signing ceremony for a
    $417 billion defense spending bill.

    “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we,” Bush
    said. “They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and
    our people, and neither do we.”

    No one in Bush’s audience of military brass or Pentagon chiefs
    reacted.

    **********************************

    Posted by  on  08/05  at  10:34 AM

  11. Isn’t that great?  And as a wise man once said, it’s funny because it’s true.  They never stop thinking about new ways to harm us! Even Nixon took Sundays off, but this bunch is always on the job.  “Don’t just hurt the people,” reads one of the motivational signs in the Oval Office, “make the hurt higher.”

    And Jeff, I’m so sorry I didn’t think of crucifixion and stoning.  I guess I’m just not fundamentalist enough about these things.  (No, that wasn’t the Daily Show on line 1-- it turned out to be a telemarketer who only sounded like Jon Stewart.) But I love ultra-violet as the new black . . . and you’re right, Andy, it goes with everything!

    Posted by  on  08/05  at  12:52 PM

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