Home | Away

Post-Atrios blogwhoring

My stars, twelve thousand visitors in about ten hours.  Such is the power of a link from the mighty Eschaton!  But why is anyone surprised that the wry Mr. Black declined to give away the joke?  Haven’t we done this routine a couple of times before, like during the heady days of the Republican National Convention, which I blogged at great peril to my sanity and my liver?  Back then, that pair of links alone almost tripled this site’s readership, kicking us from 40,000 visitors a month up to 110,000/month right through the election.  So thanks again, Atrios!  May we make the world safe-- somehow, someday-- for pan-on-dog sex.

Now, if I were a savvy full-time blogger instead of a professor/print-media slogger who spends most of his working day trying to do “real” writing, I’d have seized upon the arrival of all these new visitors about eight hours ago and asked them to visit the Koufax Awards, where it appears that my six nominations are but a prelude to an oh-for-six shutout from the finals.  Here’s the rundown so far:

Best Writing: 15 votes out of 621 cast.  And this is the category where I stood a chance!  Kind of.

Best New Blog: 15 votes out of 687 cast.  Oh, well, maybe next year.

Most Humorous Post (for Second Night from the RNC): 8 votes out of 130 cast.  Hey, still breathing!

Most Humorous Blog: 12 votes out of 647 cast.  I was a long shot here– the competition is much too fierce, and in fact some of the individual competitors are quite fierce as well (do I have to say “Giblets”?).

Best Series (for the whole RNC): 5 votes out of 316 cast.  That’s all right– this is an even longer shot.  We don’t really do “series” here.  That one was an accident!

Most Deserving of Wider Recognition: 2 votes out of 687 cast.  This seems to me just about right, or perhaps even two votes too many.  The truth is that this blog does not deserve any wider recognition.  On the contrary, as I learned from consulting the internationally-respected Blog Recognition Index, this blog’s idiosyncratic and often self-indulgent content (like this very post!) dictates that it should be receiving no more than 2400-2600 readers per day, and we actually average 3300.  In other words, far from feeling slighted in this category, I actually have to face the bad news that this blog should be getting about thirty percent less recognition than it currently receives.

Best Group Blog, Best Expert Blog, Best Single Issue Blog, Best Commentor: not eligible, last I checked.

Best Overall Blog and Best Post: not nominated, even though Maggie Gallagher and Armstrong Williams promised they’d deliver for me if I left the cash in a paper bag in the second garbage can in Wingnut Alley.  Those double-crossing little sneaks!  No doubt they got a better deal someplace else.

OK, so that’s the Koufax Update, sorry as it is.  But thanks to everyone who voted for me.

Now for another competition about which I learned earlier today: the Fourth Annual Wergle Flomp Poetry Contest.  Adam Cohen of winningwriters.com says, “this contest invites people to make up absurd poems and send them to ‘vanity contests’ as a joke. Prizes are awarded to the best bad poems. There is no entry fee.” The judge is Jendi Reiter, and the deadline is April 1.  The prizes, sensibly enough, are $1,190, $169, and $60, with five honorable mentions of $38 each.  Wergle Flomp aspirants should submit one (1) poem online.  This is a real thing.  And tell ‘em Pan the Goat-Boy sent you!

Posted by on 01/31 at 09:48 PM

  1. Have you considered asking for a revote?

    Seems to be a good strategy out here in Washington…

    Posted by thehim  on  02/01  at  12:13 AM

  2. Mr. Answer Man,

    I’m a bit worried about pan-on-goat sex nowadays.  My question is this:  Even if I do manage to contract vache-folle disease, what will it matter?  Mme Spellings has got it already.

    All my best efforts at biological warfare have been pipped at the post…

    Posted by Ryan  on  02/01  at  12:34 AM

  3. Christ, Bérubé, I got more votes in the Best Humor category? This is truly a disturbing, unjust, and shitty universe. But remember: you’ve got essays published in prestigious magazines and a real-live sportscoat to fall back on. I’ve got a half-finished “you’ll never believe this” Penthouse letter and a belt made out of an extension cord.

    Posted by norbizness  on  02/01  at  10:39 AM

  4. Extension-cord belts are all the rage, mind. Mr. Bérubé’s no doubt insanely jealous of such natty attire.

    And Ryan, are we moving on to marsupials after ungulates? Or is pan-on- sex limited to mammals?

    Posted by  on  02/01  at  11:21 AM

  5. Rob - marsupials ARE mammals.

    Posted by mistah charley  on  02/01  at  12:49 PM

  6. Yeah, mistah charley, they’re mammals, but even so, sex with marsupials is disgusting and unnatural.  I can’t believe I have people talking about this on my blog!  OK, sure, I’m open to a little pansexual propaganda on PBS-- who isn’t?-- but I have my limits, people.  Maybe I should reconsider this whole “pan-” thing.  It seems awfully indiscriminate now that I stop to think about it.

    And norbizness, whatchu talkin bout unjust?  You are funnier than I am.  In fact, the Blog Recognition Index pegs me as only the 34th funniest blog in the English-speaking world, though I personally think that’s not too shabby.  Just like my sports coat, which, if memory serves, I actually purchased with one of those checks from one of those magazines.  So in the end, I’m with the Koufax voter who wouldn’t vote for me on the ground that “Berube and Wolcott are high paid hoes. Good guys, but high paid hoes.” (Except that he then voted for Scamboogah.)

    Posted by Michael  on  02/01  at  01:05 PM

  7. Mistah Charley - You’re indeed correct. I intended to prefix ‘mammals’ with ‘placental’ but I was so disturbed by Ryan’s fantasizing about Mme Spelling that I failed to do so. I appreciate your eagle-eyed correction.

    Now what about monotremes?

    Posted by  on  02/01  at  01:19 PM

  8. Can’t resist the antipodean James Bond pun - Platypussy.  Sorry.

    Posted by corndog  on  02/01  at  01:22 PM

  9. I nominate you for “Best Blog Which Should Have Existed 15 Years Ago (it’s too bad blogs didn’t exist then, ‘cause I’d have wanted to know your thoughts on things like O.J. Simpson, Newt Gingrich, Rodney King, the first Iraq War, Michael Dukakis in a tank, and ‘READ MY LIPS.’wink”

    In fact, I think you should go back and write entries for major irony-inducing historico-political events all the way back to 1988.

    And think of all the Republican National Conventions you can retrospectively cover! 1992! 1996!

    Posted by Amardeep  on  02/01  at  02:10 PM

  10. I can’t believe there isn’t a “high-paid hoes” or “best belt fashioned from extension cord” category to vote on. Where’s the justice?

    Posted by  on  02/01  at  03:40 PM

  11. Definitely ask for a revote. They haven’t counted all the times I voted for you in the humor and writing categories.

    Posted by PW  on  02/01  at  05:03 PM

  12. Michael--would a cookie help?

    Posted by Librarian  on  02/01  at  10:48 PM

  13. Dear Mr. Answer Man;

    I would like to apologize for my crude insensitivity in my comment of January 26 in a previous thread, which I signed “Jim Capaldi” in an attempt at humor. As you may know Mr. Capaldi, the drummer for the revered band Traffic, died two days later of a long illness.

    While I cannot be certain that my posting as Mr. Capaldi was in any way responsible for his tragic death, one cannot be too sure, and I regret the possibility that I may have involved you in his death in any way.

    Again, my profound apologies.

    Ann Coulter
    Westport, CT

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  02/01  at  11:36 PM

  14. Librarian, this blog does not accept cookies!  When I first started out I had a browser that took cookies from all kinds of strangers, and before I knew it I was getting comment spam from panthegoatboy.com.  So I’ve learned my lesson.

    And Ms. Coulter, I was unaware that Mr. Capaldi had passed away.  At the time, I thought you or that devious Mr. Clarke were simply asking for “Empty Pages” or “Low Spark,” and just as this blog does not accept cookies, it does not play requests.  I’m sorry to hear that he’s gone-- accomplished drummer/songwriters are a rare breed.  Ordinarily when the drummer says “hey guys, I wrote this song,” it’s the last thing he says as a member of the band.  But Capaldi was a real musician.

    And I always knew you had a soft spot, Ann.

    Posted by Michael  on  02/02  at  12:18 AM

  15. I read your blog somewhat regularly, but can’t figure out one thing:  Why does your picture show what can only be described as an “oh shit, look cool” moment?  As in, oh shit, I’m in China, I left my passport on the bus and there’s no way home...okay:  Look cool”.

    Posted by nooneinparticular  on  02/02  at  01:52 AM

  16. Actually, that photo is of Michael Palin, right?

    Posted by Linkmeister  on  02/02  at  03:12 AM

  17. Actually, noone, I believe there are other ways to describe that picture. It was actually an “oh shit, my wife’s taking pictures in the café, gotta look up from the menu and remember not to open my big fat mouth” moment.  I thought it looked merely pleasant, especially as compared to my previous pic, which was a three-quarters-or-so profile of-- guess what?-- my mug in front of a bookcase (you know, the Standard Professorial Photo, No Eye Contact version).  But it’s funny you ask-- I was just getting around to thinking about maybe replacing it with something more recent (this one’s from June of last year).

    And Michael Palin has always been one of my Heroes of Modern Comedy.  As is probably obvious by now.

    Posted by Michael  on  02/02  at  08:57 AM

  18. How about showing us a little, y’know, belt next time?

    Posted by  on  02/02  at  10:45 AM

  19. What’s next, then? A photo of you with Gordie Howe? Now how cool would that be! How about one of you while typing with a cloud of cigarette smoke over your head?  Or, better yet, a photo of you looking dreamily into the camera holding up a pen? Then in the little bio you could tell us that you live somewhere with your wife, children, two dogs and a cat. (Of course if you had a cat maybe the whole mishap with your stove blowing up could have been avoided.)

    Posted by  on  02/02  at  10:58 AM

  20. When I see your picture, I think about how much you look like Jason Bateman, and then I think of his loser character he plays on “Arrested Development”. Sigh. Would you find another picture, so that I can feel positive about you? (No ice hockey photos, please. I will start to remember the NHL. Then I will think of Gary Bettman. What a loser character he is. Sigh.)

    Posted by  on  02/03  at  11:38 AM

  21. Hey Mike --
    If the damned NHL had kept playing, you’d have cleaned up, man.
    Yvan Cournoyer Lives!

    Posted by  on  02/04  at  06:45 PM

  22. Actually, I always thought you looked rather like Gary Sinise in that photo.

    Posted by Riggsveda  on  02/04  at  11:39 PM

  23. I went to Sunday brunch with my neighbors, the foster parents, this morning.  They were pretty beat down from their latest child, who will be, unfortunately, one of those kids who will be in foster care until he’s 18.  It’s not because he’s not smart

    Posted by werbemittel  on  07/29  at  06:02 PM

Name:

Email:

Location:

URL:

Remember my personal information

Notify me of follow-up comments?

Submit the word you see below:


Next entry: They're gonna put me in the movies

Previous entry: Education Secretary Demands Removal of Vermont from Nation’s Textbooks

<< Back to main