Showtime!
Day Three, December 14: The sentencing phrase has begun here. Join in now before all the sentences are taken!
Day Two, December 13: The insolent defendant responds, using fancy jargon words like “affiants.” Fortunately, the prosecution has been joined by the crack legal team of Pandagon & Pharyngula, who have provided us with an extremely useful (and quite comprehensive) litany of additional charges along with a possible sentencing option for you all to consider.
Welcome, WAAGNFNP Friends and Patriots, to the Glorious Chris Clarke Show Trial. (Finally!)
First and foremost, the Ministry of Justice wishes to thank the brilliant if deeply misguided Chris Clarke for volunteering to be the object of the WAAGNFNP’s first-ever Show Trial. (We certainly hope it’s not the last!) And we send our very best wishes to Chris’s beloved dog Zeke.
Now, for those of you in the WAAGNFNP fringe faction who may not have been following closely for the past few months (shame on you!), here’s a brief review.
This is a genuine bona fide internationally sanctioned Show Trial, and therefore the evidence and testimony against the accused must be merciless and overwhelming.
This is not a capital case. The purpose is to have our Wayward One understand the grave nature of his transgressions and repent his crimes against the Party. Once he has done this, he will gratefully affix his name to the Statement of Guilt, accept his punishment, and be welcomed back into the loving fold of the WAAGNFNP family. Remember: we are always already splitting, and always already fused!
The WAAGNFNP’s ancient two-month-old ritual of Show Trial serves as a form of collective healing for the entire party. We do it this way because if we tried the volcano method, the wingnuts would go batshit crazy on us and have their entire Christianist agenda all up in our grill. I’m sure you know what we mean. (Warning: Language Alert!)
Schedule of events:
Days One and Two will be sworn testimony, accusations, and inquisitions. (Note: Day Two is also Uniform of Brutality Day Formal Wear Day for the Prosecution.)
On Day Three, the Minister of Justice will declare the defendant “guilty”, and the jury (all of you) will celebrate joyfully as you deliberate punishments for the Guilty One and his depraved Defense Team. At the end of the day, The Guilty One will repent and sign the Statement of Guilt.
Important information regarding sworn testimony:
VERSE AND PROSE WILL HAVE EQUAL WEIGHT IN THE EYES OF THE COURT. Those who find it difficult if not impossible to write in prose will be neither penalized nor rewarded for the form of their testimony/ accusations/ inquisitions. While the villanelle has emerged as the unofficial verse form of the CCST, sestinas and sonnets are also welcome, and we encourage the stately but rarely-used ottava rima. Those who are already writing prose without knowing it may continue to do so.
Our Show Trial Patron Demon, Lord Astaroth, Prince of Accusers and Inquisitors, is our VIP guest for this distinguished proceeding. He is here to lend guidance and inspiration to the Loyal Prosecution, which should be nearly all of you. He reminds us not to forget to engage in plenty of “inquisiting” as well as accusing, so be sure to ask plenty of hard-hitting show trial-worthy questions. Questions that are more comments than questions® are also appropriate.
Finally, by participating in the Glorious CCST, you accept the following oath:
I do solemnly swear upon the Immortal Vision of Gojira, that I will faithfully and honestly testify in the Chris Clarke Show Trial as ordered by the Highest Court of the WAAGNFNP and its Minister of Justice.
And I do sincerely and truly declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me Astaroth.* (Warning: Imagery Alert!)
*Under WAAGNFNP Show Trials Rules, the “truth” (especially for the Prosecution) includes but is not limited to: truth, truthiness, speculation and supposition, insinuation and innuendo, ad hominem invectives, wildly unsubstantiated rumors, hearsay, vindictiveness or “payback,” and “burning the straw man.” Also, feel free to just make stuff up!
The Court is now in session.
Yours in Service,
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party
_______
Credits:
Chris Clarke Show Trial Poster artistically executed by peter ramus
Original artwork of Astaroth (detail) by Central Content Publisher
Photograph of 3Tops (detail) by Bill Benzon
A production of the WAAGNFNP and its affiliated Secular Elitist Ministries.
Opening Remarks of Chief Prosecutor M. Foucault Justice Department Chris Clarke Roundtable
(Note: The Chief Prosecutor often deviates from prepared remarks.)http://www.usdoj.gov/archive//ag/speeches/2003/060403terrorismroundtableremarks.htm
Thank you for joining me here in Washingto to discuss our steady progress and continuing successes in the war on Chris Clarke. I deeply appreciate the time we just spent in my conference room talking about the prosecution of this miscreant.
Yesterday, we gained three more convictions in the war on terror. This time in the Ted Haggard case: two on homosocial conspiracy charges and the third on document fraud charges.
Victories such as these must be built on a solid foundation: Victory requires vision. Victory requires resolve. But even vision and resolve are useless without men and women of faith and action to carry vision forward.
We have just those kinds of men and women here today.
From across our nation … from your hometowns and from our big cities … we have gathered together outstanding leaders from our U.S. Attorney’s offices who come to share their ideas and their experiences.
If we are to win the war against Chris Clarke, we must learn from the ideas and experiences that have brought us victory and adapt them to defeat our adversaries.
The gateway to victory is built on ideas. We must constantly learn, adapt, outthink, and anticipate the actions of our enemies. We must always be ready to seize the initiative in order to secure victory.
Ladies and Gentlemen, START YOUR ENGINES!!
Posted by on 12/12 at 09:35 AMWhile opening credits roll, papers shuffle, and seats get taken, a Show Trial Tune to the relatively tuneless tune of a tune from the days when nuclear devices were still getting the occasional atmospheric testing—
Giant Nuke Fireball
They’re selling postcards of the Show Tri’l
The judge wears a cap and gown
The beauty parlor is filled with news-babes
The ‘Factor is in town
Here comes the glib defendant
They’ve got him in a trance
One hand is stuffed in a sad sock-puppet
The other is typing rants
And the talking heads they’re nervous
They need a makeup call
As Lady and I look out tonight
For the Giant Nuke FireballPraise be to Teller’s Apollo
The Hindenburg docks at one
And everybody’s smoking
‘neath its bag of hy-dro-djun
And Dr JA and Kirby Olson
Fighting in the comments parts
While silent lurkers laugh at them
Or practice their Liberal Arts
Above the plains of New-Jur-Zee
Where flaming gas bags fall
And nobody has to think too much
‘bout the Giant Nuke FireballEinstein, disguised as Bérubé
With his memories in a blog
Passed this way an hour ago
With Nature Boy and Zeke the Dog
Clarke looked so frightfully immaculate
As he hiked another mile
Then he went off riffing villanelles
On Fireballs crude and vile
Now you would not think to look at him
But he was famous just this fall
For playing the eclectic villain in
The Giant Nuke FireballPlay ball.
==========
For those interested in strumming along
Captcha: opened
Posted by black dog barking on 12/12 at 09:57 AMHere’s a last ditch attempt to reason with The Accused. I hope it fails because, frankly, we need all this razzle dazzle during sweeps week for the 2006 Weblog Awards.* Not to mention that we need to put Nick through college and get Jamie his own Do-It-Yourself Marine Biologist set, complete with 100,000 gallon acquirium. Where are you going to get 100,000 gallons of certified sea water in central Pennsylvania?
Chris Clarke, Be A Star
To be sung to the tune of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat”
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, cultist tool
Plead guilty now, don’t play the fool
Time to dress up, look pretty please
Get some long pants, cover your knees
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, cultist tool
Plead guilty now, don’t play the foolGojira’s swift, her heart is strong
Protects the Party to which we belong
Don’t be coy and don’t be shy
Look Gojira in the eye
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, cultist tool
Plead guilty now, don’t play the foolOaktown’s tough, but Oaktown’s fair
She’ll get to the bottom of this affair
Her ways are sneaky, her knowledge freaky
She won’t allow, even one little leaky
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, cultist tool
Plead guilty now, don’t play the foolRemember how life used to be
Before you joined this great Party
No cage matches, no baiting D.Ho
No A B F F, no squaring zero**
Chris Clarke, Chris Clarke, you’ve come far
Plead guilty now, become a star*The homeschoolers are closing on the Ivies. Which means they’re picking up momentum. That’s not good.
**Actually, that’s Adam Roberts at The Valve; gotta plug my homies. Besides the WAAGNFNP is the ultimate Big Tent Party and so includes all of blogdom, and then some.
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 09:58 AMI don’t know what Gojira is up to in those web log polls, but she sure is kicking some derriere!
These are excellent documents for the prosecution thus far. In addition to the many charges that have already been levelled against the accused, I would like to add the following:
a) Disorderly Conduct (an ongoing problem)
b) Break and Entering (Oaktown Girl’s videotapes)
c) Impersonating a Federal Officer (Kirby Olsen)
d) Tax Evasion (using the proceeds of the Virgin Lutheran Church of the Flaming Christ fundraiser to pay for his golf lessons and Abercrombie Fitch wear).I almost wrote Abercrombie and Finch.
Posted by on 12/12 at 10:15 AMLet the record show that the
Guilty Onethe Accused (Oh to hell with it. From here on out, I’m not going to waste anymore time striking out the words “Guilty One”. And by Proclamation of the Minister of Justice, no one else has to either!)Where was I? Oh yes. Let the record show that the Guilty One knowingly and willfully misled an innocent non-native English speaking cab driver to take him to the WAAGNFNP’s Relaxation Center instead of the Re-education Center, AND “forgot” to tip the driver to boot, making the whole Party look cheap.
It would greatly please the MoJ if a WAAGNFNP Patriot would like to put THAT little insubordinate and shameful episode into verse.
Charge: Defying an order from the MoJ to report to the WAAGNFNP’s Re-education Center.
Charge: Deceiving and failing to tip an innocent, hard working cab driver.
Posted by on 12/12 at 10:52 AMHe turned me into a Joshua Tree.
Posted by corndog on 12/12 at 12:03 PMI got better.
Posted by corndog on 12/12 at 12:04 PMI accuse the accused of defying the righteous non-behaviorist order of the ancients by post-post-modernizing our most sacred sectarian fruitcake recipe:
If I could bake a fruitcake,
I tell you what I do,
I toss out all the recipes
And bake one just for you.
The ingredients would be simple,
The final product you could eat
Or simply set aside some place
To revisit when you need a treat!
I would use a drop of grandma,
Maybe toss in a dash of an aunt.
Temper it with a memory of grandpa,
And toss in some happy dance.
I would fold in happy memories
Of time spent with those that you love,
Then frost it with the first snowflakes
You ever saw fall from above.
I would dress it with a smile,
And then serve it to you warm.
With a cup of cocoa to wash it down,
To help lessen the winter’s storms.
No I can’t bake a fruitcake.
But I assure you if I could.
I would bake it exactly to your liking,
As all fruitcake bakers should.Let the record show that he also introduced bougeoius elements such as gumdrops, Rice Krispies (tm) and Durkee Fried Onions (tm).
Posted by ChomskyGodTroll on 12/12 at 12:10 PMChris Clarke knows more than anyone, writes better than everyone, and is nice about it. Plus, he has a nice dog and little children and animals like him. It’s not right.
He always has evidence, logic, and facts on his side—prima facie evidence this court must accept as proof that Chris cheats. I’m not saying that he’s made a Faustian pact with some dark power from the inner circles of the inferno, but this Honorable Court really needs to expand this fishing expedition and look into it until the evidence that must exist can be found.
What’s the point of anyone doing anything if everyone knows that Chris is just going to do it better and with more panache?
The guy has stopped the progress of civilization.
Sworn
and Signed Statement
by: A WitnessPosted by on 12/12 at 12:26 PMI suspect the Guilty One’s tireless and never tiresome advocacy of causes green and red may yet help derail the resource war juggernaut that is our best hope for the GNF. Public confession and repentance is the Guilty One’s only hope.
Posted by The Constructivist on 12/12 at 12:43 PMHey Kids!!! I’ve got an idea!!
LETS PUT ON A SHOW TRIAL!!
It’ll be fun!! So how about it
Huh? Huh?
I can hardly wait. I have a lot of great ideas on how it can work! We can have lots of songs and everything!
We’ll just put some bleachers out in the snow.
And have it out on Exhilaration Row.Gotta run! Later gators. (Gosh, I hope the snow doesn’t interfere with the data uplink.)
Posted by on 12/12 at 01:01 PMIt is my sad duty to inform the court that the guilty-as-charged accu(r)sed has not only committed objective, material crimes of the most heineous nature - bamboozling an innocent cab driver (who had to be reeducated afterwards for his own protection) into taking him to the party’s relaxation center not being the least of these crimes - no, not content to break, enter, release the ponies and be nice about it, the accu(r)sed has in fact committed the ultimate crime - the thought crime.
By carefully pre- and post-structurally analyzing the accu(r)seds poetic and cartoonish works*, the prosecution intends to prove to the jury that Comrade Chris Clarke has engaged in a conspiracy with his own mind to undermine the achievement of the ultimate goal all factions of this party share - the GNF.* this will be greatly helped by the fact that this prosecutor hasn’t the foggiest notion what he is talking about.
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
Ministry of Offense and Defence
WAAGNFNPcaptcha: “price”. As in “the ultimate price won’t be paid in this here show trial, which is only for show.”
Posted by on 12/12 at 01:35 PM
Damn you, Clarke. Cheap bastard. Hope they fry you in grease and tar you with ostrich feathers.
Posted by on 12/12 at 01:50 PMWell, black dog barking set the bar rather high, but here’s my contribution, to the tune of Operation Ivy’s “Missionary.”
It’s broken and mended
I kill and Oaktown Girl will defend it
Gonna be usin’ nuclear fusion
To wipe us all off of the map.On my way to end the world
On my way to end the worldGot a blog full of irony, it really is first-class
Got this ongoing feud with some Zod-looking dumb-ass
Now we gotta throw away the key on this bastard named Clarke
Who thought my dangeralitude was something at which to snark
It’s broken and mended
I kill and Oaktown Girl will defend it.
Gonna be usin’ nuclear fusion
To wipe us all off of the map.On my way to end the world
On my way to end the worldBérubé!!!
I happen to have two new books, if you get my drift
Don’t be scared by the scowling ghost head
They’re fun to read and make great gifts
The Sokal affair, reader response, Rorty and other pomo champs
And some angry white kid who loves concentration camps
It’s broken and mended
I kill and Oaktown Girl will defend it.
Gonna be usin’ nuclear fusion
To wipe us all off of the map.On my way to end the world
On my way to end the worldOn my way to end the world
On my way to end the worldAlways already split, and always already fused…
The GNF is the means to The End
The GNF is the means to The EndOn my way to end the world
On my way to end the world…Posted by Heraclitus on 12/12 at 02:40 PMAnd this, to the tune of Pink Floyd’s “In the Flesh.”
So you thought you might like to go to the show trial
To feel the warm of thrill of the fusion, hear the futile denials
Well, I got good news for you, Sunspot
Your leader knows well we’re all going straight to hell
I want to speed us along by means of this song
And a giant nuclear fireball that can do no wrongMB: Behold the accused, his insolence makes me cringe!
CC: Come off it, old man, you’ve simply come unhinged!
MB: He’s got a gratuitous “e,” he’s trying to foil our plan!
CC: And I let out your ponies, and I’d do it again!
MB: You’ve impersonated people all over the world!
CC: And you pretend to be dangeral, but you’re just a little girl!
MB: That’s enough, already! I demand you stop now!
CC: Do what you will, I swear I’ll never bow!Posted by Heraclitus on 12/12 at 02:41 PMThere once was a man named Clarke
His soul was twisted and dark
He lied to a cabbie
Who only spoke Punjabi
So he could go frolic in the parkPosted by Heraclitus on 12/12 at 02:57 PM"VERSE AND PROSE WILL HAVE EQUAL WEIGHT IN THE EYES OF THE COURT.”
Isee London
I see France
I see WAAGNFNP Minister of Justice’s underpantsPosted by on 12/12 at 03:01 PM"Bérubé said to
Chris Clarke, That
he met
in the
dark,
‘Let us
both go
to law:
I will
prosecute
you.—
Come, I’ll
take no
denial;
We must
have a
trial:
For
really
this
morning
I’ve
nothing
to do.’
Said Chris
Clarke to
the cur,
‘Such a
trial,
dear sir,
With no
jury or
judge,
would be
wasting
our breath.’
‘I’ll be
judge,
I’ll be
jury,’
Said
cunning
Bérubé;
‘I’ll try
the whole
cause,
and
condemn
you
to
death.’”Posted by Aaron Barlow on 12/12 at 03:09 PMPound him, I say, pound him into the bizzaro world.
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 03:12 PM
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:19 PMThe Alibi Project:
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:26 PMHah! Russian is being used by the Defense team. This means war. Just wait until I get my hands onto Cicero’s Catilina prosecution speech…
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:31 PMIsee London
I see France
I see WAAGNFNP Minister of Justice’s underpantsThe Minister of Justice’s underpants are not now, nor have they ever been, for public display, and that comment is hereby stricken from the official record.
Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/12 at 03:39 PM
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:53 PMO wearisome condition of the accused!
Born under one law, to another chained;
Singled out, and yet bound to be fused,
The quality of mercy is not strained.
What brutes would deny his desire for severalty
Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Posted by on 12/12 at 03:57 PMScheduling this
ShamShow Trial for December 12 definitely fell right in the Defense Team’s trap! HAHA!!!!On my command, activate the Ad Hoc Defensorial Astaroth Shield.
ENGAGE!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!
We are all up in ur ontology
pwning ur false idols/pr
Ad Hoc Defensorial Defense Team of Defenders of Your Man McNaturepants Cadre
(Second Line)Posted by on 12/12 at 04:02 PM
You are all weirdos.
Posted by Sam the Eagle on 12/12 at 04:03 PMSome said twas Clarke
With sins beyond count
Turned the bright day to dark.Dark usurpers would hark
And collect at this fount
Some said twas Clarke.Innocent mien without mark
Where child’s blush might mount
Turned the bright day to dark.Calm dogs they would bark
Without rational account
Some said twas Clarke.With neither quiddity nor quark
Nor any recount
Turned the bright day to dark.So this sad trial’s arc
Bright hopes sold at discount
Some said twas Clarke
Turned the bright day to dark.Posted by Mark on 12/12 at 04:03 PMI enter into evidence the door of the cab being driven by the traumatized and exploited cabbie who was scared all the way to the Bizzaro World; but made if back to this one, after a perilous journey (see comment 13 above):
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 04:04 PMWhatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Sam?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 04:09 PMMemo On Clarke
Didn’t I see you down the tubes on a hot and dusty night?
We were reading lies on Bérubé’s when Horowitz tried to fight.
Aw, you drowned in all that bullshit, most of it like this,
You know, about that show-trial gentleman, the one we all call “Chris.”Come now, gentlemen, I know there’s some mistake.
How forgetful I’m becoming, now you fixed your business straight.I remember you on the net back in nineteen ninety-six.
With your baggy little bulletin board with a smaller bit of list.
Now You’re a lashing, smashing blogging man;
Your sweat shines sweet and strong.
Your organs working perfectly, but there’s a part that’s not screwed on.Weren’t you at the Koz convention back before this last July
You’re the misbred, grey executive I’ve seen heavily advertised.
You’re the great, gray man who thinks that he can keep the Internets clean.
You’re the man who squats behind the man who works the soft machine.Come now, gentleman, your love is all I crave.
You’ll still be in the circus when I’m laughing, laughing on my grave.When the old men do the fighting and the young men all look on.
And the young girls type their deathless prose on tubes on neo-cons.
Be wary of these my gentle friends of all the wing-nut breed:
They have a nasty habit - they eat the hands that bleed.So remember who you say you are and keep your noses clean.
Boys will be boys and play with toys so be strong with your beast.
Oakland Girl dear, doncha think it’s queer, so stop me if you please.
This blog is dead, Bérubé said, “You gentlemen, why you all work for me.”Posted by Aaron Barlow on 12/12 at 04:19 PMWhat can one say about he accused? His vile attempt to imitate me —ME! — only underscores his guilt. One need only look at his failure to grasp the deeper meaning behind my recasting of the Oscar Meyer jingle as evidence of the supreme and overwhelming mediocrity of his of fealty to the WAAGFNP. For as the child in the jingle devoutly if non-subjunctively wishes to be transsubstantiated into the flesh of Oscar Meyer so that the world might consume him, so we all will be consumed with the world on the Dies Firae, come the advent of the Giant Flaming Lutheran.
O! I wish Clarke were a Lutheran Surrealist,
That is what I long for him to be-ee-ee,
For if he were a Lutheran Surrealist
He could Martinize the Papacy.Posted by Cur Be Oldsoon on 12/12 at 04:25 PMHe’s innocent. He was with us! The cabby’s a liar!
Posted by on 12/12 at 04:27 PMThe defense is sparing nothing in defense of The Accused. Now they’re bringing in the celebrity witnesses:
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 04:27 PMMr. Clarke lived next door to me for most of my life. He was a nice man. He mostly kept to himself except in emergencies when he would always be the first to lend a helping hand. I don’t think that cabby is from around here, is he?
Posted by on 12/12 at 04:42 PM"Orthagonal axes.”
Need I say more?
Posted by on 12/12 at 04:50 PM
The accu(r)sed attended an elitist blogger meeting without inviting any bloggers of color, and while there kept his shirt unbuttoned in an indecorous fashion in a display of sheer disrespect for that odious traitor Clinton.
Posted by Ann Althouse on 12/12 at 04:52 PMWell, seems like the defence has picked up some groupies. Time for a response.
Teh Clarke, he has a lot of friends,
they were all lying low -
but now, when it is trial-time,
they think to have a go.They put up pictures, poems, songs,
they help out the defence;
their only goal to get him off,
before the man repents!Forever splitting, always fused,
the party will prevail,
the prosecution, MoJ,
won’t let the trial fail.A taxi driver, innocent, teh Clarke
used for his aims;
nefariously mumbling bad,
“relaxation” he exclaims!The poor driver, wrongly guided,
not knowing who’s on board,
falls, headlong, into CC’s trap,
defying, thus, the court.Teh Clarke, he sneers,
he says out loud,
“I set the ponies free”
there’s nothing you can do,
he cries, to either one of me!”The little kid,
she spells it right, at
the spelling bee:
Clarke, she says,
oh yes, it spells:
G-U-I-L-T.christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
Ministry of Offense and Defence
WAAGNFNPcaptcha: “son” as in “the prodigal son will return to the fold.”
Posted by on 12/12 at 04:52 PMEnough of all this procedural crap! The danger is too great for due process, habeas corpus, and all that other latin stuff. I just got off the phone with John Yoo and he advises the following: water boarding coupled with well-placed electrodes. Alberto Gonzalez has offered to be on hand to make sure everything is done according to his Bill of Wrongs. Who’ll do the deed? The Spanish Inquisition, of course. Because no one .... And where do we want this torturin’ done? Out on Highway 51.
Show trials work in areas where you’re trying to create democracy. Dammit, we’re the model of democracy for the world and in no need of education in how to achieve justice.
Posted by on 12/12 at 04:55 PMHey, does [classified] even go to [classified]? Or is that classified?
This comment has been modified by the Department of Nuclear Fireball Security.
Posted by Michael on 12/12 at 05:12 PMSomebody delete Michael’s comment! This information is top secret! It must have been CC’s mind power making our Chair blab like that.
cpatcha: “law”. Need I say more?
Posted by on 12/12 at 05:17 PMDershowitz is a douchebag! No water boarding!
Posted by on 12/12 at 05:22 PMGeez—sorry about making the baby cry. I can feel the child’s pain however, especially now as I grieve over the untimely death of Pinochet. And Michael, because I am a very important person I have been asked to serve as an advisor regarding the artifacts found at that location you alluded to earlier. We were able to alter the statement and take it to be an honest mistake. No need to look over your shoulder—just yet. If the rest of you knew half the stuff I’m privy to, you’d be sanctimonious in your defense of torture too. See how easy it is to forget about Chris Clarke?
Posted by on 12/12 at 06:00 PMCharge: Hope.
Posted by Central Content Publisher on 12/12 at 06:07 PMA MESSAGE FROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE
Lord Astaroth informs me that he is pleased with the proceedings thus far, but it is time for the Loyal Prosecution escalate the “Inquisiting” aspect of this glorious trial.
Those Defense ClownsThe Defense Team has much to answer for on behalf of The Guilty One, and it’s time they did so. Let’s set them back on their heels but good. (Note: in no way should anyone let up on the Accusin’ aspect of the Prosecuting while we are stepping up our Inquisiting).The following are but a few of (and only the most recent) charges that need to be further explored and brought to light:
1. Nafarious ubiquity (one of my personal favs!)
2. Impersonating Kirby Olson, (as if we needed more than one Kirby Olson.)
3. Unauthorized entry into Our Leader’s Green Room and releasing the ponies.
4. Attempting to hypnotize fellow WAAGNFNP members.
5. Involvement in the Brittney Spears underware scandal.
6. Introducing Brittney Spears to Kevin Federline.
7. Shameless and transparent attempts to win sympathy.
8. Enjoys fruitcake.
9. Flagrant hopefulness, alluding to a distant future, and a willful concern for living things.
10. Sins of commission, omission, and emission.
11. Scripting evil dreams into the heads of fellow WAAGNFNP members.
12. Repeated and frivolous moves for dismissal of his case.
13. Threatening to associate intimately with 76 Lutheran virgins after the trial.
14. There is also something about “jello shots” and the “Bush Twins” that definitely needs inquisitin’!Please keep in mind that this is a very abbreviated list, and the Loyal Prosection need not in any way limit themselves to the above topics.
On to Glory!
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNPPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/12 at 06:11 PMMr. A. Dershowitz, is this your way of seeking a private audience with 3Tops, Special Agent in Charge of Questioning, Probing, Electrifying, and Sautéing?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 06:11 PMThere is also something about “jello shots” and the “Bush Twins” that definitely needs inquisitin’!
The Guilty One also needs to answer for this episode involving Ward Churchill, pole dancers, and tequila shooters.
Lest we forget.
Posted by Michael on 12/12 at 06:36 PMMr. Benzon, I’m a very important person, as I have noted. I don’t seek audiences with anyone. They seek me out because of my incredible access to even the most rightfully opaque agencies of government.
Posted by on 12/12 at 06:38 PMOaktown Girl, who’s been livin’ in her Oaktown world, says:
5. Involvement in the Brittney Spears underware scandal.
and then in the same breath says
7. Shameless and transparent
and I am the one accused of planting evil images in the minds of Party Members?
J’accu(r)se!
Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/12 at 06:47 PM... and then the ponies ran away!
Posted by on 12/12 at 06:53 PMOrder in the Court!
Get these damn kids outta here! We’re talking about transparent underwear and shameless liasons with virgins and pole dancers, for Pete’s Sake! Have you parents no respect? No concern for morality? No scruples?
And to the mealy brat who testified that Clarke “mostly kept to himself except in emergencies when he would always be the first to lend a helping hand,” well, for the records, that’s exactly what they said about Jeffrey Dalmer, too.
Posted by on 12/12 at 06:59 PMOh, except for the last kid: the Prosecution Witness wearing the Winnie-the-Pooh shirt. That little bugger can stay. He looks like he’s been around the block a time or two.
Posted by on 12/12 at 07:01 PMBritney Spears, jello shots, tequila shooters. It adds up to only one thing:
Posted by on 12/12 at 07:02 PM
GNF – 1, Google – 0Posted by black dog barking on 12/12 at 07:16 PMHere’s what the Wikipedia has for GNF. What’ll it take to get “Giant Nuclear Fireball” on the list? I mean, other than a WAAGNGNP member (like me) going to the Wikipedia and simply listing it. ‘Cause I could do that, and so could you, or you, or you, or you. When we win this Weblog 2006 awards thing, will that put GNF on the Wikipedia map?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/12 at 07:36 PMI have a question for the accu(r)sed:
If they kick at your front door,
how you gonna come -
with your hands on your head,
or on the trigger of your gun?Answer, or forfeit all your (unnamed) privileges!
captcha: “bed”, as in “the guilty one has to lie in the one he has made for himself.”
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
MoOaD, WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/12 at 07:37 PMAnd somebody get Dershowitz out of here! There is enough plagiarizing going on in this courtroom!
captcha: “turn”, as in “what we need to do with the screws.”
Posted by on 12/12 at 07:39 PMYou don’t bring me bribes
You don’t share your testimony
You hardly talk to me anymore,
(except under subpoena)
When you face my bench
At the end of the dayI remember when
You couldn’t wait to love me
(with your habeas corpus)
Used to hate to leave me
(in fragrante delicto)
Now after working late into night
(Your modus operandi)
And you’re feelin alright
Well you just roll over
And turn out the light
And you don’t bring me flowers anymoreIt hurts me more than it hurts you
to prosecute your crimes
Oh it’s a dirty job,
But someone’s got to do it
Oh it’s a dirty job,
But someone’s got to do it
I care a lot
I hate to see a good man rot
It hurts me more than it hurts youIt used to be so natural
(so very ipso facto)
To talk about forever
But used to bes dont count in court
They just lay on the floor
til we sweep them awayAnd CC, I remember
All the things you taught me
I learned how to golf
And I learned how to walk the nature paths
Well I leared how to love your dog
Even learned how to lie about Brittney’s panties
You’d think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
cause you don’t bring me flowers anymorePosted by on 12/12 at 07:45 PMWe were able to alter the statement and take it to be an honest mistake
Not so fast Mr. A. D
ouchershewitz. Per U.S. law, all properly classified statements must exist somewhere on the open Internet. Inspired by Dick Cheney’s expertise at using teh Google, the Running Jackals of the Oppo-Personal Research Team were able to determine that the only place on the Internet that properly matched the pattern: “Hey, does blank even go to blank.”, was this comment
Hey does Skye even go to uni or something? Or is she boho??
OMG so funny.. flashback image of Max’s sideburns. I was obsessed with it tonight.
located on page 9 of 569 pages of comments (’06 season only) about the Australian soap opera Neighbours at the Australian Vogue website. So, Mr. Opaque Access, it is your job to sift through all 569 pages of insightful commentary for further clues. From:
I seriously think that the new season of Neighbours deserves its own, brand new thread.... does no one else agree???
through
and beyond.Tonight’s episode was soooo boring considering it was a season opener. Total anti-climax! It took Paul like 5 seconds to be rushed to hospital, be brought back to life and return home. Where’s the drama?!
And per christian h., Don’t come back until you are done ... and no you can’t use the material as your next book.Out on Highway 51.
And Mr. D, are we thinking Area 51? Highway 61 minus 10? or an obscure multi-song Dylan reference?Posted by on 12/12 at 07:48 PMMr. Stormcrow, this is your last warning regarding any terrain features ending in 1. Any further mention, and you will join teh Clarke on the golf course.... I mean, in the brig.
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
MoOaD
WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/12 at 07:58 PMThere once was a man named Olson
He seemed the poor man’s Chuck Colson
But his prose style was mocked
By an evil puppet of sock
Now on distant blogs he trolls onPosted by Heraclitus on 12/12 at 08:15 PMThe following are quotes from Comrade Clarke himself, which he used to smuggle an unseemly message of hope into his graphic novel version of WLatLA. It submit to the court that the very fact that this pro-hope smear campaign is perpetrated in a graphic novel, thus endangering our youths, makes these unspeakable crimes (of which I speak) even more horrifying to any upstanding amoral member of the Party.
“I’ll use this horse to find them even though
there’s a perfectly good truck here,” said the
adjunct professor, “because I just saw ‘An
Inconvenient Truth’ at YearlyKos.”and
The committee was making great progress.
or how about
No student should ever be given up,
or, especially disturbing:
Most inspiring of all,
and
Mei-Ling greeted Chanterelle with joy
Posted by on 12/12 at 08:15 PMI would also point out that every typo in this thread is attributable to Clarke’s sabotage of the preview feature.
Posted by on 12/12 at 08:17 PMWhen is Steve Fuller’s testimony scheduled?
Posted by on 12/12 at 08:43 PMchristian h. reminds of the various crimes in The Graphic Novel. The last panel stands out for me as the most egregious.
At the time I was feigning the orthodox pro-Clarkeist party line (I had my doubts, of course, but kept my own counsel), and stated that he had cleverly glossed the imminent arrival of the GNF in the background as “Spring Break”. But now it can be revealed what I knew all along - clearly CC was implanting a subliminal message of hope. And with its subsequent escape to Metafilter who knows how many were harmed - as a commenter on his very own blog said:
Awesome. Plus, I love a happy ending. ::sniff::
I’m going to go strike a social realist pose now....
I hereby ask the Minister of Justice to rule that anyone striking a social realist pose in the courtroom be judged a co-conspirator, and that they be taken out with Major Danby and shot.
Posted by on 12/12 at 09:16 PMI hereby apply for posthumous rehabilitation.
Posted by on 12/12 at 09:30 PMAs one may recall, both The Accu(r)sed and I were acknowledged as “bracing Internet interlocutors” in Michael Bérubé’s “What’s Liberal ...?”
Lest I be indicted as a co-defendant on the charge of guilt-by-association, let me state for the record that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Liberal. The Accu(r)sed, on the otherhand, is known to be insufficiently Liberal ...in the Classical sense.
Posted by Roxanne on 12/12 at 09:31 PMOh yeah, good times…
WAIT. I just snapped out of it. Even a small representation of that last panel conjures up feelings of hope! The whole work clearly belongs on the I.N.D.EX. (Insufficiently Nihilistic, Destructive or EXtreme works, a list kept by the MoJ).
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
MoOaD, WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/12 at 09:56 PMThe defense rests
Posted by on 12/12 at 09:57 PMOaktown Girl
Minister of JusticeRE: Subversive Activities
Meaning no disrespect to the current proceedings, I must beg to offer the following evidence of crimes against the WAAGNFNP that are being perpetrated by ouside agitators in the hinter blogland of Pharyngula. The following statement was openly and insolently posted upon their central intratubular kiosk:
Is it too late to join the “We are all giant nuclear fireball” Party?
To which I dutifully commented:
It is the WAAGNFNP - We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball NOW Party. I’m afraid that this must be reported to the proper ministry.
Shouldn’t this naive not be subject to inquisition and prompt imposition of justice for fomenting counter revolutionary activities - I mean really, improper use of capitalization AND misrepresentation of the party name? And, and this is the big and - even though the first and is all caps, the criminal perpetrator also appeared to be casting aspersions on these very proceedings!
I realize that this also puts me in a somewhat precarious position for is it not the messenger that bears the greater measure of guilt. I throw myself on the mercy of the court.
Posted by on 12/12 at 10:48 PMAwwww. Now I say we invite Chris *and* Steve Fuller over for a little mulled wine and we forget our differences. Alan D. can drive everyone home so there’ll be no shorts-eating necessary.
Posted by on 12/12 at 10:57 PM-
Forget our differences, eh? No way! Not until cheap-o McNaturePants hands over the tip he owes me for driving his ass all over the back roads of suburbia. Relaxation? I’ll relax his jaw, and the rest of your nogins, if you don’t collectively cough up the cash.
Posted by on 12/12 at 11:13 PM I’m really sorry all you nice folks have gone to so much trouble to condemn an obviously guilty as hell Chris Clarke, but I have to tell you that your efforts are in vain.
We of the reality based super-governmental organization Giant Asteroid Will Definitely Strike The Earth Real Soon (GAWDSTERS) must reluctantly inform you that the aforementioned Chris Clarke CANNOT be charged by any court that doesn’t accept, anticipate and advertise for the true disaster that will soon be visited upon our collective asses.
Hence, from this day forward, all judicial and extra-judicial actions by the sickly underweight organization WAAGNFNP are declared NULL and VOID. Said Chris Clarke, his person and affects, his writings and gardens, his dogs and mail carriers, are forfeit to GAWDSTERS to be disposed of in the interest of justice, equity and the incredible disaster that we of GAWDSTERS dream about night and day.
We invite those of you enthralled by puny man-made weaponry to put away your childish toys, and come to where the real disaster is.
Our promise:
1. The Earth will soon be struck by a GIANT ASTEROID.
2. All life forms, except for members of GAWDSTERS, will be instantly bar-b-qed to a succulent doneness.
3. The Earth will be knocked from its orbit and plummet into the sun. GAWDSTERS go along for the last ride, WHEE! Free drinks, free bar-b-q!
Thanks for your attention.Posted by Dick Durata on 12/12 at 11:52 PMSplitter!
Posted by on 12/12 at 11:59 PMSandeep is mistaken. I gave him a very generous tip. All kidding aside, I would never stiff a working person on his or her tip.
I stiffed him on the fare. Which is different.
Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/13 at 12:24 AMI’m willing to put it in the past if you humbly agree to sponsor a few of my relatives. They enjoy animals and nature, and can help you blog (with authentic American accents, albeit from a calling center in a distant country) when your woman-friend locks you in the doghouse.
What do you say? You solve my problems, I’ll solve yours. We make a deal here, and I’ll run over that Oaktown Girl and her compadres with my cab.
Posted by on 12/13 at 12:42 AMThe Ministry of Defense and Offense thanks the most attentive and astute Jim in STL for his intel regarding the malignant disrepect the party has received from Pharyngula.
Shouldn’t this naive not be subject to inquisition and prompt imposition of justice for fomenting counter revolutionary activities - I mean really, improper use of capitalization AND misrepresentation of the party name?I have ordered the launch of several sortees of unspeakable ugly upon their host and intend for a limited tactical mini-nukey-fizzy to sneak under their poorly designed defensive walls (captcha).
As for the collection of evidence, we have been out all day
interrogatinginvestigating defense witnesses, to insure that they only speak our truth.Posted by on 12/13 at 01:00 AMGAWDSTERs seemed to have forgotten that GNF’s always defeat the Asteroids in all Party Rochambeau gaming. There is no possible excuse for this attempt to deflect attention and focus on the ShowTrial. This must stop now!
spyder
Minister of Offense and DefensePosted by on 12/13 at 01:10 AMI accuse the Guilty One of dancing the Dance of the Naked Man when it was obvious that dance was verboten. He should have chosen the Robot, or something less offensive. I mean, did he really think he would get away with it?
Plus, he made me like him with mind bullets. I have documentation.
A Jackoff
Non-affiliated
CC-Hater with CredentialsPosted by JackGoff on 12/13 at 01:15 AMDang. I had no idea the regulations of the WAAGNFNP were so stringent. Was it cavalier of me to write of it while in my stocking feet, or is full dress uniform required at all times?
Posted by PZ Myers on 12/13 at 01:15 AMWell, spyder, I might suggest you get Bruce Willis and a thousand other Hollywood starlets to move MY asteroid out of the way so your ‘auto da fe’ might have its little moment. But, oh gee, that asteroid was the size of Texas, ours is Pluto on steroids dude. In fact, maybe it IS Pluto, pissed at being demoted and ready for a very spectacular Revenge of the Planetoids!
As for CC, go on with the show trial if you must (where’s the dancing?), but vengeance is GAWDSTERS’!Posted by Dick Durata on 12/13 at 01:45 AMI have it on good authority that Playboy was thinking of naming the accu®sed’s blog one of the Top Ten Hottest McNatureblogs on toobz.
I think this should be added to the charges.
Word: field
Posted by ifthethunderdontgetya on 12/13 at 02:08 AMtiresome advocacy of causes green and red
I accuse the guilty one! “Causes red and green” indeed.
Has no one considered that Chris Clarke may actually be SANTA CLAUS????
Posted by Kathy McCarty on 12/13 at 03:45 AMor fafblog! or both!
Posted by The Constructivist on 12/13 at 04:30 AMHer Mighty Fierceness, the Minister of Justice, asks us to rise, sing, get happy, and do it snappy:
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming G N F;
It will sear the souls of running jackals, smite them right and lef;
It will cleanse the earth of varmints, let the gamma rays be swiff;
The chain reaction’s on!
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom!
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! The chain reaction’s on!I have read a fiery message writ in glowing flames so bright;
“As ye deal with pesky GAWDSTERS, so your soul my breath shall smite”;
Let Stix Bérubé with his poly-rhythms play all Night,
Gojira’s marching on.
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom!
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira’s marching on.Gojira’s like the glory of the morning on the wave,
She is wisdom to the mighty, She is honor to the brave;
So the world shall be her furnace, and the soul of wrong her slave,
Gojira’s marching on.
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom!
Gojira! Gojira! Kabloom! Kabloom! Gojira’s marching on.
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justicespyder
Minister of Offense and DefenseBill Benzon
Minister of Visual PropagandaWAAGNFNP
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 05:41 AMHas no one considered that Chris Clarke may actually be SANTA CLAUS????
In the oneness that is the GNF we are all Crisped Kringle. We have no need for false Santa Clauses, nor Split Infinitives either, for all Infinities are always already splitting, already fusing, such is the Glory of the GNF.
Man, ain’t it a marvel how good doctrine absolutely covers everything?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 05:49 AMFrom the Minister of Justice
I hereby ask the Minister of Justice to rule that anyone striking a social realist pose in the courtroom be judged a co-conspirator, and that they be taken out with Major Danby and shot.(#65)
So ruled.
Shouldn’t this naive not be subject to inquisition...improper use of capitalization AND misrepresentation of the party name?(#70)
The MoJ rules that PZ Myers must issue a formal apology and correction on his blog or face the consequenses. There will be even greater consequences if he does not squelch the talk among his readers to dump one of their trolls off on us.
Day One summary:
The Good: Excellent sworn testimony against the Guilty One in both prose and verse.
The Bad: Someone making desperate attempts to promote their oh-so-derivative political party in my courtroom. Pathetic. More disturbingly, someone claiming to be part of the Guilty One’s defense team clearly has a baby fetish. For now, the MoJ is willing to give the defense team the benefit of the doubt and rule that this poser is not truly one of theirs. Oh, and the FBI has been notified.
Day Two: Wecome everyone to
Uniform of BrutalityFormal Wear day for the Loyal Prosecution, and don’t we look sharp?Let the accusin’ and inquisitin’ continue!
Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/13 at 06:38 AMFROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE
For those who are new here, and in celebration of the Glorious Chris Clarke Show Trial, we will now have a Patriotic re-posting of the WAAGNFNP Credo.
(Note to poser-wannabe blog-based political parties: Can’t touch this!)
******While the WAAGNFNP’s Ministry of Offense and Defense, (nobly lead by Minister spyder and his second in command, Tribunus Laticlavius Christian), does possess a vital
thugsecurity function, it primarily protects and defends the Party by the power of the pen.And though the WAAGNFNP is, praise Gojira, a manifesto-free zone, we do approve of inspirational writings. So it is with great pleasure that I present to you this resplendent and inspiring credo from Minister spyder (which surely must have Gojira’s approval because the captcha is “nuclear")
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNP
*****When in the Course of all human events, it becomes necessary for one very special party call forth the most powerful of all forces, the massive radioactive presence of Gojira to vaporize the political bondage which connects those of the party to the them of the others, particularly the wingnuts and insanely religiously righteous rightists, and to assume among the powers of the Giant Nuclear Fireball, the separate and equal stations of participational parity to which the Laws of Nature and of Gojira entitle them, a decent and intelligent respect to the opinions of those in the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to call forth the vaporizing Giant Nuclear Fireball.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all species are created equal and are to be returned to their elemental and molecular forms by the GNF, that they are also endowed by Gojira with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Living and Partying until the Fireball, Liberty and Freedom to do all that They can to increase the entropy of the GNF, and the most joy-filled pursuit of all possible Happiness’s in parity with all others. --That to secure these rights, the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party has been instituted on the Earth, deriving its just powers from the common consensual agreements of the party membership, and from Gojira --That whenever any Form of Government or Publication of Front Pages, or other pronouncements of petty fascist despots becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Party to alter or to abolish them, or at least hold them accountable in the sacred ritual of Show Trial, under the incontrovertable authority of the Ministry of Justice, and to institute the call for the Giant Nuclear Fireball, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness prior to the Vaporization by the GNF.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that the inappropriate behaviors of others need be changed by vaporizing light and radioactive causes brought to them that so deserve by Gojira; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that species are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing their natural enemies to which they are accustomed and/or parasitically symbiotic. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object to stop the GNF and evinces a design to restrain Gojira under absolute Despotism, it is the right of all members of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party, it is the duty, to throw off such wingnuttery and batshit craziness, and to provide new opportunities for Gojira to flame on. We the self-anointed, and tremendously important, membership of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party, in order to form the most perfect party, establish the justice of Astaroth, insure complete global vaporization, provide for the GNF to consume the Earth, promote maximal participational parity during the dance of the fireball, and secure Gojira’s blessings of a few liberties solely to ourselves and our very limited posterity, do ordain and establish this Credo of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party.
Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/13 at 08:18 AMI have it on good authority that Playboy was thinking of naming the accu®sed’s blog one of the Top Ten Hottest McNatureblogs on toobz.
I heard that too. So it must be true.
Posted by on 12/13 at 09:10 AM
Having donned my formal wear, I should like to thank the Prosecution’s witnesses for a moving day of testimony and visual aids.
I, for one, was impressed by the sheer *diversity* of the testimony. Brave men and women from many racial, socioeconomic, and generational brackets came to share their harrowing experiences at the hands of Chris Clarke. Why, even the youngest witnesses were able to clearly articulate why Clarke must be judged and evaluated (and perhaps even graded).
In the coming hours, I hope members of the jury will open their hearts and minds, and reflect thoughtfully on the appropriate sentences that should recompense these hideous charges.
Do not spare your true thoughts for fear of offending our delicate sensibilities. I will bravely steel my feelings, and accept whatever barbaric torments your esteemed circle deems fit. I am sure that many among us today came to the Court to see Justice served, and if this procedure can bring us closer to our desires, then I am all for it.
In closing, I look forward to the sentencing phase of this process. I appreciate long sentences, and short ones. I enjoy compound sentences, as well as simple ones. Interrogative sentences are equally as interesting as explanatory ones. We will assess each one on its merits, as opposed to its gender, race, creed, or political persuasion.
Thank you.
M. Foucault
Chief Prosecutor
WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/13 at 09:43 AMGreat blog with lots of useful info…
Posted by Business for sale on 12/13 at 10:06 AMI’m a little unclear on the Formal Wear for Day II concept. Can it include ties with a repeated picture of a grumpy little bird?
Posted by on 12/13 at 10:10 AMAugh! There’s only one explanation for that horribly written sentence: Clarke forced me to do, no doubt to further demonstrate his writing skills.
Figures (captcha).
Posted by on 12/13 at 10:13 AMGreat blog with lots of useful info…
Why, thank you, Bfs! Have you donned your formal wear for today’s proceedings?
Posted by Michael on 12/13 at 10:20 AMIn order to invest these proceedings with a maximum of decorum the WAAGNFNP has hired the Honorable Judge Lance Ito as a decorum and proceedings consultant:
Here is an example of Ito-approved formal judicial dress:
Now, we’re not saying that you must dress in this fashion, only that dressing in this fashion will always be acceptable in this court.
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPcaptcha: “just”
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 10:41 AMI do solemnly swear upon the Sporadic Lights of the Disco Ball, that I will faithfully and honestly testify in the Chris Clarke Show Trial as ordered by the Highest Court of the WAAGNFNP and its Minister of Justice.
And I do sincerely and truly declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me Great Cat.
Now, for my list of accusations against the Wayward One.
Charge: Writing about his dog and his hiking trips without including the requisite class-based analysis.
Charge: Shameless whoring for a Koufax by writing a piss-your-pants funny parody poem about Jeff Goldstein.
Charge: Demonstrating blatant favoritism towards this accuser in doing so, which is against the charter of the WAAGNFNP.
<!--more-->
Charge: Hearsay evidence indicates that Clarke may have been insufficiently pious towards Chomsky, and possibly may have even chortled at this joke.
Charge: Suggesting I wear a burqua for Halloween. He didn’t actually do this, but it might as well have been him.
Charge: Helping to spread the vegetarian menace, knowing full well that vegetarianism is nothing but a bourgeois affectation that could have dangerous long term effects on bovine stern emission levels.
Charge: Rumor has it that Chris told Ann Althouse that Jessica Valenti has breasts.
Charge: The Wayward One called Althouse a “moderate”, setting off a chain of events that require the left blogosphere to vote en masse for The Moderate Voice to keep her from crowing about her victory.
Charge: Mocking David Horowitz. The WAAGNFNP may not like Horowitz’s politics, but he’s still an honorary member because we like his style.
Charge: The phrase is ”socialist-realism”.
Charge: For doing a half-assed job when tasked with this. You were supposed to get him steaming drunk so he hurled racial slurs at the cops, and he only got a DUI.
Charge: Being the same person as Auguste and Michael Bérubé and possibly even me. Charges leveled here.
Charge: Advocating violence as a way for women to resolve domestic disputes. Not funny, Chris! These kinds of jokes only give our right wing enemies ammo to use against us.
Posted by Amanda Marcotte on 12/13 at 10:46 AMThank you, Amanda!
And for the record, I don’t believe any of those horrible and nasty remarks the Guilty One is always whispering in our (MOJ) ear about you. We think you’re SUPER, and so is Pandagon!
Ministry of Justice
Oaktown Girl, MinisterPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/13 at 10:59 AMThe members of the Shape Note Defensorial Defense Squad lift their voices in doleful harmony as they lead their charge in stately, reluctant procession to his place in the crowded courtroom for Day Two of the proceedings (The entire squad attired in matching business-casual dominoes courtesy of the great folks at Business for Sale. Thanks, Bfs!):
Talk about suffering here below
and stop this hatin’ on Chris Clarke!Talk about sufferin here below
and ease off hatin’ on Chris Clarke!The GNF is coming, now don’t you want to go
and leave this world of sorrow and troubles here below?O, can’t you hear it comrades, and don’t you want to go
and leave this world of sorrow and troubles here below?
The GNF is coming, now don’t you want to go
and leave this world of sorrow and troubles here below?Posted by on 12/13 at 11:13 AMWAAGNFNP Central Communications Interchange has just received notice that Gojira has a vision to transmit:
Gojira approves the proceedings so far, and is looking at the intrusion of Irresponsible Third Parties into these proceedings. She would like to remind you that you are under oath and that, Her Fierceness, the . . . .
Wait! There’s an emergency transmission:
It’s a yellow alert! There’s trouble in the Internetical Tubezone. Michael “Stix” Bérubé, The Intrepid One, has gotten trapped in the Bizarro World by a jealous Anti-3Tops. We’ll check into this and get back to you.
Meanwhile . . . it’s S.H.O.W.T.I.M.E.!
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPcapcha: “many”—thank Her Plenitude, Gojira, for the many worlds, ‘cause one isn’t enough for the glory of the WAAGNFNP
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 11:20 AMAs we move forward, I’d like to inform the MOJ and the MOVP that the presentation of charges and evidence would be more complete if we had the ability to post embed/ java tags. If we hadn’t already made up our minds regarding the case against The Accu(r)sed before we began these proceedings, we would find all we needed for
convictionreassignment to re-education on the Worldwide InterUTubes.Posted by Roxanne on 12/13 at 11:55 AMI have no idea what the trial’s about but I’m not surprised that dear Chris is in the middle of a rabble.
I wouldn’t presume to try to do a literary Chris Clark.
Instead, I’ll submit for the court’s attention Thos. Hood’s sonnet To An Enthusiast and most heartfelt it is given.Young ardent soul, graced with fair Nature’s truth,
Spring warmth of heart, and fervency of mind,
And still a large late love of all thy kind.
Spite of the world’s cold practice and Time’s tooth,--
For all these gifts, I know not, in fair sooth,
Whether to give thee joy, or bid thee blind
Thine eyes with tears,--that thou hast not resign’d
The passionate fire and freshness of thy youth:
For as the current of thy life shall flow,
Gilded by shine of sun or shadow-stain’d,
Through flow’ry valley or unwholesome fen,
Thrice blessed in thy joy, or in thy woe
Thrice cursed of thy race,--thou art ordain’d
To share beyond the lot of common men.
But then again, you could just stfu and cop it sweet.
Posted by on 12/13 at 12:01 PMSince so many are smitten with the captcha oracle, I’m going to have to inform Comrade Bérubé that it is very easy to edit the captcha words in this blog software and customize them to whatever you want. Ask Me How, Michael! We can shape the future with well-chosen Text!
Posted by PZ Myers on 12/13 at 12:15 PM*courtroom hushes as the defense wheels in a big cart labeled “surprising new evidence"*
The defense team has learned that the WAAGNFNP Minister of Visual Propaganda has misled the court, proffering alleged graphical comment from one “Gojira.” Defense has obtained internal video from the Ministry for the Propagation of Da Fé clearly showing that it is instead high-level Ministry staff artists who have generated these images.
Your honor, defense moves for a dismissal based on prosecutorial misrepresentation.
Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/13 at 12:29 PMAsk Me How, Michael! We can shape the future with well-chosen Text!
How, PZ, how?
I appreciate your confession, by the way. That’s the spirit!
Posted by on 12/13 at 12:32 PMLies, all Lies! We don’t exploit ponies!
We have a different source of propaganda.
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 12:33 PMI object! </gratuitous>
/pr
Ad Hoc Defensorial Defense Team of Defenders of Your Man McNaturepants Cadre
(Second Line)Posted by on 12/13 at 12:37 PMAnd while we’re on about it, on behalf of the blamed, we maintain that ALL the preceding “testimony” is utter rubish, without foundation, incompetent, immaterial and incommensurable, and for the most part not even in the prescribed “villanelle” form, and therefore move that all of it be stricken from the record sine mora, sine praeiudicio, and (wholeheartedly agreeing with Chief Prosecutor Foucalt) sine prole.
Oh, yes, some might point to Mark’s contribution somewhere upthread and say, “Ah, well, sure but isn’t that your man the villanelle out for an evening stroll, now?” and we cannot and shall not deny its seeming adherence to the black-letter definition of the form.
But.
Who is this Mark of whom we speak but a craven adopter of the self-same sockpuppetry of which the irrefragably innoccuous Chris Clarke stands accused? HA!
Put that in your prosecutorial pipe and smoke it while we provide fresh, cuddly proof of our man’s anodyne, pacific, and remorselessly pleasant mein:
/pr
Ad Hoc Defensorial Defense Team of Defenders of Your Man McNaturepants Cadre
(Second Line)Posted by on 12/13 at 12:45 PMThe Ministry of Defense and Offense is aware of the trouble in the Bizarro World. We have been developing a special cruise missle just for such intra-galactic multi-dimensional portal quantum leaping (since time and space are merely relatives of us and themselves). It has not been properly tested, and though still early in the experimental stage we may choose to use it, as it seems to be the only weapon capable of such a rescue. Weapons as peaceful life-saving is our business you know; All Praise Gojira and the GNF!
spyder
Minister of Offense and Defense
WAAGNFNPPlease continue to place all received intel, regarding these types of threats, directly into the CCST courtroom testimony. The accu
rsed has powerful friends and supporters, who, knowing their hero is doomed, will do everything possible to free him. We will crush all such revolutionary attempts as being representative of the “we are all hezbollah now” leftish wing of the Enemy.Posted by on 12/13 at 12:53 PMThe WAAGNFNP Ministry of Defense and Offense asks the Central Content Publisher, and others, to investigate the following rumors and gossip.
1-That Playboy is negotiating directly with the Eternally Guilty to purchase the rights to his Show Trial story in order to produce a pictorially laden piece on Hotty McNaturepants and his lust for the feminine.2-That “Stix” Bérubé, while under the influence of the Anti-3Tops, has signed over exclusive trial reporting content to Nancy Grace and MSNBC, with a supplementary post-trial exclusive to appear on Sean Hannity and Fox.
3- That because Gojira destroyed 20th Century, and Astaroth ate the Lion, Tom Cruise-led Universal pictures has, in its tubes and pipes, a plan to produce the CCST rock opera co-written by Peter Townsend and David Gilmor (with Roger Waters even).
These sorts of rumors must be quashed immediately. They cannot (captcha) be allowed to float freely and unchallenged in the intertubes. My Gojira, the next thing you know Pam Anderson will be paying a visit to teh Clarke’s cell, and we all know what sort of video that will make (look what he is doing with the bunny up there?).
Posted by on 12/13 at 01:07 PMTrue to form, the accu(r)sed one has now either (a) slandered the Ministry of Visual Propaganda, or (b) revealed Party secrets. Either way, he’s guilty. See? You can’t win!
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
MoOaD
WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/13 at 01:34 PM
Comrade Myers signs his confession before the eyes of the CommitteeI have been ordered by the Ministry of Justice of the We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party to publicly confess my shame and apologize for my grave offenses against the WAAGNFNP. I do so apologize. I have been ordered to abjure all attempts to redirect trolls to the distraction of the Glorious Show Trial against the Enemy of the People, Chris Clarke. I do so.
Posted by PZ Myers on 12/13 at 01:44 PMI did not want to do this, but the uppity accu(r)sed leaves me no choice. The oppo personal research team has come to the conclusion that Comrade Clarke has a tendency to illegally use prepositions at the end of sentences - and might be missing a degree:
Not to be trifled with -
the first degree
Something to die for -
the second degree
Something to sing under -
the third degree
Not to be sneered at -
the fourth degree
Nothing to build on -
the fifth degree
Being in separation of -
the sixth degree
To confess to -
the seventh degree
The one to be punished with -
the eighth degreechristian
Tribunus Laticlavius
MoOaD, WAAGNFNPcaptcha: “ill”, as in: “all of those in the world can be laid at the feet of teh Clarke.”
Posted by on 12/13 at 02:21 PMto investigate the following rumors and gossip.
4- That the accused has entered into a contract with Judith Regan to produce a
compendium of bullshitbook (working titleTempingAs If I Did It), based on his experiences.[And the rumor contains further evidence of inappropriate expectations of GNF survival on the part of the accu(r)sed. The Smoking Gun reputedly has online a copy of a contract made out to one Tyrone Slothrop to locate a suitable apartment or condominium within walking distance of GNF ground zero to be used for trysts with Ms. Regan during “GNF clean-up” activities.]
Posted by on 12/13 at 02:36 PM"I clearly saw the defendant ... doing whatever he’s accused of...Red-handed. When kicked… he said: ‘It’s a fair ... cop, I done it all ... Right… no doubt about… that’. Then, bound as he was to the chair, he assaulted myself and three other constables while bouncing around the cell. The end. “
This testimony was falsely used to convict me! It was clearly Chris Clarke!
Posted by on 12/13 at 03:04 PMVery compelling testimony! Let’s see Clarke try to wriggle out of that!
Posted by on 12/13 at 04:30 PMEMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!
Hot Pink Alert! Hot Pink Alert! Hot Pink Alert! Hot Pink Alert!*
Hey kids, it’s up to you! Only you can make the world safe for the GNF. Uncle Stix is in deep doodoo. Real deep. He was headed for the Sunless Sea when a bunch of crazed ponies got him all confused and he ended up in the Bizarro World. There he was captured by the Anti-3Tops who wants to make him her Unnatural Acts Slave.
Do you know what that means? He has to give her all the Jelly Roll and Hersey’s Kisses without question, and with a smile on his face. And he has to do it again, and again, and again. It’s horrible.
You have to help us. B. Q. Rollins, WAAGNFNP Chief Scientist and Chef of the Future and developed a supersecret super-duper vicious Dunkleosteus Terribilis Interdimensional Digital Missle.
See, it’s so vicious that it’s pushing aginst the margins!
But that evil Chris Clarke got his goons, the GAWDSTERS, to divert the missle and now it’s lost. So you have to guide it to Uncle Stix so he can guide the missle deep into the Evil Anti-3Tops. Do you think you can do that?
Good. So get out your Winky Dink kit and draw a map right on the computer screen. That’s right, real thick. Now the DTIDM will be able to destroy Anti-3Tops.
Isn’t this fun?
*Which is, like, 99 levels higher than Red Alert.
NOW YOU MAY RETURN TO THE CCST
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 04:45 PMThe ShowTrial of Chris Clarke
or The War on Chris’mas Continues.Twas two weeks before Chris’mas
And all through the tubes
Not a blogger remained silent
Not even Berube.All the charges were leveled
By a Panda so fair
In the hope that some Justice
Soon would be there.When what to our wondering eyes
Should appear
But a glittering ball
That could go nuclear.With a defendant whose emblem
Was a bird that’s so dark
The Party knew surely
It must be Chris Clarke.More rapid than ravens
The accusations flew
I’m tired of this
Won’t someone else continue ...Posted by on 12/13 at 04:54 PMHe turned me into a newt! (I got better...)
Posted by DouglasG on 12/13 at 04:57 PMHe was headed for the Sunless Sea when a bunch of crazed ponies got him all confused
Yes, and who released those ponies in the first place? Exactly.
Posted by on 12/13 at 05:06 PMBreaking News. This just in:
Missle Command, WAAGNFNP Ministry of Defense and Offense, has informed HQ that we still do not have control of our experimental, but much needed, Dunkleosteus Terribilis Interdimensional Digital Missle. It seems that the Anti-3Tops has recognized the missle as a cousin species and is enabling the goon GAWDSTER splinter cells to penetrate the portal diaphram just enough to redirect the missle at Michael “Stix” Bérubé. We are working on the problem, progress is being made, we are winning, we will succeed, victory is just around the next corner, and so far forth.
spyder
Minister of Offense and Defense
We Are All Global Nuclear Fireball Now Party!we now resume our regularly scheduled broadcast of the ongoing courtroom testimony in the Trial of Chris Clarke; for crimes against the party, humanity, and whatever other crimes we know of, or make up, prior to his pleading guilty to everything.
It was reported that the previously revealed GNF allied assistance from the nation of Israel (“Iran openly, explicitly and publicly threatens to wipe Israel off the map. Can you say that this is the same level, when they are aspiring to have nuclear weapons, as America, France, Israel, Russia?”), may have been a strategic effort by the defense to raise the threat level of hope. The Defendent cannot be allowed to operate freely like this any longer. We ask that he be bound and shackled to his barcalounger and shown videos of beautiful mountain and desert trails to make him confess to this use of hope against the GNF.
Posted by on 12/13 at 05:15 PMAh, so Chris Clarke is guilty of felony newtering. That proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s a Republican. He must have had his fingers crossed when he told the story of the two sisters. Can there be anything more dastardly?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 05:21 PMBULLETIN! BULLETIN!
Stix takes the Offensive
“Well screw you, Anti-3Tops. Right back atcha! Nyaahhh!”
“And when you’re done with that, deal with these chaps.”
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 05:32 PMHe was headed for the Sunless Sea when a bunch of crazed ponies got him all confused and he ended up in the Bizarro World. There he was captured by the Anti-3Tops who wants to make him her Unnatural Acts Slave.
Pleh! Pleh! elbirroh yletelpmoc s’ti—elpoep, gniddik ton si nozneB. Pleh! Pleh!
Yas I, aisinuT ni thgiN A .aisinuT ni thgin a yb nrut ni dewollof “sdneirF tsuJ” a yb dewollof “elffuhS potS eigooB” a yb ylno devas eb nac I taht raef I!Posted by on 12/13 at 05:51 PMWhile the villanelle has emerged as the unofficial verse form of the CCST, sestinas and sonnets are also welcome, and we encourage the stately but rarely-used ottava rima.
Surely the delicacy of Italianate verse is complemented by the vigor of Anglo/Saxon:
Lauded Liberal / the Bold Berube
Words his weapons / wrought them rightly
Corrected classrooms / routed rightards.False his friend / Clarke of Faultline
Took the tale / made a mocking
metaphor marching / high in hill-lands
sheep in snow / and fuzzy fur hats
Berated Berube’s / ghostly great head(what, the wrong book? / why should we care?)
Such sarcasm / cries for justice
Clarke the Criminal / laughs at Leader
Ghostly great head / is serious stuff
Come now, Comrades / Crush the Criminal!
(Quoth the captcha / now non-"person")Posted by on 12/13 at 06:23 PMDon’t say I didn’t warn you!
captcha ‘lived’ as in the past tense.
Posted by Dick Durata on 12/13 at 06:34 PMOK, Dr. V., what do you think of our little show trial now? We even got some of that Anglo-Saxon alliterative shit goin’ down here.
And did blondie try to rhyme “tubes” with “Berube” in comment 117? That’s grounds for a Show Trial right there.
Posted by on 12/13 at 06:39 PM-
Err… what’s that, old chap? You can only be saved by a “Bus Stop Shuffle,” followed by “You Say He’s Just a Friend,” followed in turn by “A Night in Tunisia?”
Benzon, Clarke--what have you done?! This sounds like a tale of transit woes, followed by a shocking homosocial episode, followed by the obligatory gesture of sleeping with people from outside one’s national affiliation.
I am increasingly concerned for the moral safety of those who enter this court house. Perversion reigns unleased, wild-eyed and hungry as a pack of hounds. Please get that poor confused man out of your contraption at once!
Posted by on 12/13 at 06:47 PM Uh-oh. I was working on an epic saga that rhymed Chris Clarke with “pissed dork”, and Bérubé with “Scooby” and “blue-footed booby”.
I’ll stop now before I get in bigger trouble.
Posted by PZ Myers on 12/13 at 06:53 PMIf I may be permitted to interrupt briefly while the prosecution flails its way more deeply into the morass-filled quagmire in which it now finds itself mired, I have made an affirmative and I think irrefutable statement in my defense
Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/13 at 06:56 PMLord Astaroth - Prince of Accusers and Inquisitors
is less than pleased with the lack of inquisiting going on. Especially as this is
Uniform of Brutality Day, Formal Wear Day for the Prosecution, the inquisiting should be happening pretty much non-stop.Lord Astaroth wishes to start the inquisitin’ ball rolling, and hopes the Loyal Patriots of the WAAGNFNP will catch the hint.
Lord Astaroth: Mr. Clarke -
Why did you lie and deceive us into this quagmire now known as “The War on Christmas”?
Why did you “gin-up” intelligence reports from the Ministry of Offense and Defense and claim that children would “greet us as liberators” if we staged a mock beheading of a deer named “Rudolph” and posted the video feed all over Kids’ Space?
Why did you disband Santa’s Elf Army, yet leave them armed with all their cobbling tools?
Why did you dismiss concerns about sectarian Elf violence as mere, “pop sociology” when the Green Elves and the Red Elves have been enemies for centuries?
Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/13 at 07:07 PMCaptcha: talk
http://faultline.org/index.php/site/comments/wonderful_world/
Posted by on 12/13 at 07:27 PMGENTLE REQUEST FROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE
Will bloggers please be so kind as to cross-post their testimony here on the actual Chris Clarke Show Trial thread?
We really appreciate your participation, and would like to have your valued contributions here where they can be entered into the permanent record of these glorious proceedings which we have worked very hard to make happen.
Please share your party with the rest of The Party.
Yours in Service,
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNPPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/13 at 07:33 PMThough I don’t claim to know any of you personally, nor fully condone your WAG GNF Party, I would like to state for the record that I find Chris Clarke’s digital “defense” deeply problematic.
In general, I find the Defense Team’s larger project to be rife with the logic of what I call “reproductive futurism.” In their uncritical embrace of the all-pervasive figure of the child--the lynchpin of our culture’s universalizing belief that children represents the possibility of the future--these lawyers simultaneously position the queer as the embodiment of a relentlessly narcissistic, anti-social, and future-negating drive.
Enough of this disavowal of the queer, I say! I would like to refer you all to my ground-breaking book (some have described it as poetry, probably because my prose tends to accumulate in a density of mind-blowing penumbra that few can fathom): http://blogs.usyd.edu.au/theorycluster/2006/09/lee_edelmans_no_future_queer_t.html
I honestly think this review is a little overblown and aggrandizing, but nevertheless let me fill you in on my basic points:
“Queerness, therefore, is never a matter of being or becoming, but rather, of *embodying* the remainder of the Real internal to the Symbolic order.” (I hope you will be able to visualize that topography, though I doubt your WAG minds can grasp it without some Google images).
Irregardless, I continue:
“One name for this unnameable remainder, as Lacan describes it, is jouissance, sometimes translated as “enjoyment:: a movement beyond the pleasure principle, beyond the distinctions of pleasure and pain, a violent passage beyond the bounds of identity, meaning, and law” (25).Have you been there, my friends? I doubt it. I doubt any of you in your four-door sedans and golf carts have been to Jouissance Street, or to the Remainder of the Real. I have been there, I have seen the future that is no future, and babies, it is murder…
In love and respect and fond tidings,
LeePosted by on 12/13 at 07:37 PMOh, and if this isn’t asking too much of WAG GNF, could you please set me up in a Non-Celebrity Academic Cage Match against Harry Potter? I’ve been meaning to kick his closeted arse for several years now--before he shacks up with Hermione, or whatever her name is.
Thanks so much,
captcha: police (don’t bother calling them)
Posted by on 12/13 at 07:46 PMA most impressive tribute, Mr. Accu®sed.
Actually, I dare call it Teh Awesome™!³
But that doesn’t change the facts: yur guilty, you always have been guilty, and you always will be guilty.
P.S. Thanks for your gentle remonstration, Minister of Justice. By the way, where on youtube cand I find the Accu®sed’s video? Searching ‘chris clark’ and ‘creek running north’ were no help.
Captcha: all
As in, Guilty of all counts.
Posted by on 12/13 at 07:52 PMYo, the spunkies are gaining. How about we recess proceedings to vote. Alternatively we could send Lee to hammer out a pact with the home-schoolers; I hear his curricular ideas are curiously down-home.
Posted by on 12/13 at 07:53 PMThunder -
playing the video brings you to the YouTube site automatically. The title is “Wonderful WAAGNFN World”. (Note - no “P” at the end of WAAGNFN. But that’s completely acceptable, and cannot be added to the list of charges against the Guilty One, much as I hate to say that.)Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/13 at 07:58 PMI grant this motion. Court is adjourned for those who can show that they are registered voters. Please present photo identification and your Social Security number to the attendant in the far left corner of the room; those who fail to do so will not be allowed to leave.
Please promptly return to the courthouse after casting your ballots--except for members of the Defense Team. You may go home for the night, and for the remainder of the trail.
Thank you.
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:03 PMI meant to say “You may go home for the remainder of the night, and for the remainder of the TRIAL.”
Damn you, Clarke--your nature TRAILS have squirreled a hole in my gray matter.
Clerk--please add that typo to the list of charges against the fiend.
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:06 PMComrade Clarke, do you admit to setting free the ponies, thereby upsetting the youngest members of the party and endangering the attainment of our most sacred goals?
Comrade Clarke, you have been charged with thought crime under paragraph 666 of the WAAGNFNP Penal Code. How do you plead?
Comrade Clarke, you have been accused of breaking and entering the Minister of Justice’s home. What is you answer to that charge?
Comrade Clarke, why do you further persist in slandering the party and its Ministries in a public forum?
Comrade Clarke, you have admitted to stiffing a cab driver out of his fare. Do you accept the appropriate punishment?
Comrade Clarke, why have you misused Ministry resources to produce backdated video material in a pathetic attempt to save yourself?
christian
Tribunus Laticlavius
MoOaD, WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/13 at 08:06 PMHow about we recess proceedings to vote.
How about don’t you dare presume to call a recess. Only the MoJ can do that. Who’s the MoJ? Oh that’s right...I AM!
Seriously Colin, WAAGNFNP members are quite able to walk and chew gum at the same time. Watch this:
Vote!
Accuse!
Inquisite!See?
Now that you’ve done the first one of those, get busy with the other two.Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNPWhile going around the preview wheel, I see Foucault’s back. Foucault - will you please contact me or provide an email that won’t bounce to me or spyder? Mine is below if you can see it.
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:07 PMAddendum:
Comrade Clarke, why do you force the Party to expend its energies on a show trial while an important vote is going on?
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:09 PMThanks again, Minister. I had just clicked on the arrow in the browser to play it.
And now as I think about the spunkyhomeschoolers, and my imminent yet procrastinated drive to Detroit, (I would say for business, but for work is more descriptive)...I think about wireless. About IP numbers. About Voting. And Democracy!
They hate us for our Freedom™®©²³!
Captcha: types...I better get in the car, and stop my typesing.
P.S. The bunny hugging clearly proves the charge intimately intimated in posts 82 and 89.
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:12 PMComrade Clarke, why do you force the Party to expend its energies on a show trial while an important vote is going on?
Hey. Ease up with the questions, willya? I’m not on trial here.
Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/13 at 08:14 PMMy sincere and humble apologies for agreeing to grant Colin’s recess without the official stamp of approval from our MoJ, Oaktown Girl.
I hope I shall not have to join the ranks of Clarke and endure the Party’s just wrath?
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:19 PMHey. Ease up with the questions, willya? I’m not on trial here.
Ha! Excellent. Thanks for the laugh. I needed that. I’ll take that into account tomorrow during punishment deliberations.
MOOAD and Foucault and Bill are in charge for the rest of the evening. I’m way past my graveyard shift bedtime. (Tonight’s gonna suck.)
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:24 PMHey. Ease up with the questions, willya? I’m not on trial here.
What do we have here? Denial. Let’s just hope the accu(r)sed makes it from denial to acceptance in record time…
And we should not forget that the traitor purposefully wrote “GFN” - by which he probably means “Global Fireball NOT” - instead of GNF.
captcha: “covered”, as in “if you think your ass is covered with that video, you are sorely mistaken.”
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:24 PMFoucault -
You’re only in trouble because you’re my Lead Prosecutor and I can’t reach you and you seemingly can’t reach me.Posted by on 12/13 at 08:27 PMSorry Oaktown Girl,
I tried to ring you from my Prosecurial Palace, but got MySpace.com instead of your address. If there is a way to obtain your address without subscribing to MySpace, then I will try that route. Or I will try spyder tomorrow.
I honestly can’t see anyone’s email addresses from my home computer because you need a password to view them, and I don’t have it. The owner of the computer (my partner) has that password. I have not asked him for it, but maybe I will, though probably I will wait till tomorrow.
And to be perfectly honest, I am a little uncomfortable with the transition from virtual role play to real-life interactions. It’s just a personal thing. But I will try to make the leap tomorrow.
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:41 PMActually, on that last note, I must confess that I testified on Lee Edelman’s behalf at this trial. Since he is a real person, perhaps we should strike his testimony from the record, or at least change his name?
Sorry… I don’t even know the guy. I wouldn’t want him to Google himself and find out that he requested a cage match with Harry Potter.
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:51 PM"Seriously Colin, WAAGNFNP members are quite able to walk and chew gum at the same time.”
If I had any doubts about the Minister of Justice I would keep them to myself (having already run afoul of one her goons). But the rank and file are looking a bit ... dodgy. Can vanguardism be taken too far? I retract the question. But if this party can’t stuff a simple internet ballot, the masses may not be impressed by its larger claims.
I do, however, appreciate the innovation of having your show trials before you come to power.
captcha: heavy, as in sentence.
Posted by on 12/13 at 08:52 PMThe video (cmt 129) is indeed impressive evidence, Comrade Clarke. But you must understand that Show Trials, once begun, take on a life of their own. This one is no exception. The trial must therefore continue. However, in recognition of your brilliant effort, I am authorized to award you one (1) picture of a genuine George Bush The Aviator Action Toy:
Note that this is an “adult toy”—just look at that right hand, all ready for “adult action.” It should not be allowed to fall into the hands of children.
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 09:08 PMA young Chris Clarke is caught hiding a “light saber” in his closet. Papa Vader is not pleased.
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 09:42 PMThe esteemed WAAGNFNP prosecutor may be interested to know that the accu(r)sed is also to blame for the recent resuscitation of the SkunkyHomeSchoolers in the 2006 Weblog Awards. Only 230 votes separate this august institution from disaster.
Surely the Minister of Justice and attendant toadies shall not allow the same fate to befall us as befell the IvyGated?
Posted by on 12/13 at 09:48 PMOho, Michael Berube, you think you know how to pronounce your name. Alas, good sir, your family has been misled these many generations, and your surname does indeed rhyme with tubes (including the “s"). Forthwith you shall conduct yourself accordingly or subject yourself to the ShowTrial of your own making.
Typing of which ...
Much like his kinsman, the Lord of the Jungle, Chris Clarke is unstoppable, with all the animals of the forest ready to come to his defense. Chris has no need of the twinkie defense, he has horses, and bunnies, and erstwhile newts, oh my.
Posted by on 12/13 at 09:48 PMAnimal Control, please--paging Animal Control!
Could someone please corral all the pretty horsies, bunnies, reptiles, doggies, and other four-legged misnomers wandering through this court house?
And indeed, I grow wary of those Christian home school soldiers. Sneaky evangelicals (or whatever sect they happen to be). Turn your back on them for one minute, and they start converting the secular masses. Down with their program, and down with the educationaleque value of their efforts to rock the vote!
We must smite them.
Posted by on 12/13 at 09:58 PMWe must smite them.
Which cheek? This one or the other one?
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 10:20 PMThe one on which they sit in church.
Posted by on 12/13 at 10:28 PMCould someone please corral all the pretty horsies, bunnies, reptiles, doggies, and other four-legged misnomers wandering through this court house?
Yes, protect the animals. There’s a butcher on the loose (click on image for full-size view, if you’ve got the stomach for it):
Bill Benzon
Minister of Visual Propaganda
WAAGNFNPPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/13 at 10:33 PMWoof, that’s pretty intense. I wonder if the stores would carry the play set? It might make a lot more people think twice about supporting the war (not that many do these days).
Posted by on 12/13 at 10:39 PMCould someone please corral all the pretty horsies, bunnies, reptiles, doggies, and other four-legged misnomers wandering through this court house?
Four legs good, two legs bad! Four legs good, two legs bad!
I assume you agree with that sentiment “FauxCult”? I think we can all agree that CC has two legs.
Nice little “Show Trial” you humans have going here, be a shame if anything happened to it:
...... Amateurs!!
Posted by on 12/13 at 11:04 PMIt’s “FauxCOLT” to you, Snowball!
You have a gift for scenic design. Maybe we should keep you?
But spring is coming, so don’t let the GNF singe you on the way out.
Posted by on 12/13 at 11:17 PMDon’t break from the Show Trial just yet, but the Homeschoolers are closing in…
http://2006.weblogawards.org/2006/12/best_educational_blog.php
Posted by on 12/13 at 11:33 PMStill tilting at windmills, Snowball?
Zeke would like to have a word with you.
*Whistles*
Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/13 at 11:33 PMSo is this all, like, allegory? Or something?
I don’t know--synecdoche?
(I’m pretty sure it’s not onamotopoeia.)
Or what?Posted by on 12/14 at 12:04 AMIt’s allegory or something. Though I note that no one has yet attempted to deploy the deadly Spenserian stanza from English literature’s greatest allegory, The Faerie Queene.
Ladies, gentlemen, start your eight lines of iambic pentameter followed by the twelve-syllable alexandrine in a rhyme scheme of ababbcbcc!
There. That should slow down the rate of commenting long enough to allow people to vote in the Weblog Awards.
Posted by on 12/14 at 12:11 AMLadies, gentlemen, start your eight lines of iambic pentameter followed by the twelve-syllable alexandrine in a rhyme scheme of ababbcbcc!
There. That should slow down the rate of commenting long enough to allow people to vote in the Weblog Awards.
Is that some sort of dare there, Bérubé?
You really think some fool will take the bait?
Or did you think your taunt would prove a way
for the new Waganuffin police state
to all our freedoms personal negate?
You know it just won’t work, old pal. No force
could make us act as Catherine the Great
with Minister Bill Benzon’s painting horse.
I don’t know how it’s done in Keystone State,
but elsewhere, taunts like yours lead to remorse.
Go take a “poem manners” correspondence course.Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/14 at 12:31 AMHey, where did that Astaroth picture come from? Anyone know who that artist was?
I had a shirt with a similar drawing (of another hell spook) and i think it was by the same artist. I’d love to know who it was.
Thanks,
Jon
Posted by on 12/14 at 12:34 AMToo many lines. Add that to the docket.
Posted by Chris Clarke on 12/14 at 12:35 AMI have no real time to report on the evidence collected today by our special inquistors. However, i have notified them that they need to focus their immediate attention on the Weblog Awards balloting, and keep those vicious homeschoolers from narrowing the gap any further. But the captcha word is “power” and the Ministry of Defense and Offense must exercise some at this time.
The efforts by the defense are clearly designed to distract the prosecution: engaging them in trivial counter responses, horsing around with critters, and now this highly suggestive erotic video homage to those who have no interest in using the GNF, but rather pretend to threaten using it. They are cocky chickens (yes, boot-stomping Rice too) as in: “Look into their eyes of a chicken and you will see real stupidity. It is a kind of bottomless stupidity, a fiendish stupidity. They are the most horrifying, cannibalistic, and nightmarish creatures in the world.” But they are chickens, and thus incapable of visualizing the GNF of which they are stupidily deathly afraid.
Posted by on 12/14 at 12:43 AMLet the Prosecution note that Chris Clarke now stands charged with coming up with a Spenserian stanza in less than twenty minutes, with two extra lines because his infernal insolence knows no bounds.
Posted by on 12/14 at 01:18 AMHas the accu®sed even attempted to respond to the charge of bunnysnuggling?
Captcha: right
Posted by ifthethunderdontgetya on 12/14 at 01:52 AMFoucault -
You have to go to the comments where I specifically say my email is below, like this one, otherwise you get the MySpace page.But nevermind. Our blessed Minister of Offense and Defense, spyder, is stepping up with triple duty for tomorrow. You just keep accusin’ and inquisiting right here.
I’ll ring the bell later for punishment deliberations to begin.
Oh fuc**in’ A! The captcha is “justice”!
Oaktown Girl
MoJ
WAAGNFNPPosted by on 12/14 at 04:17 AMAn Ironist’s Plaint
The fingers trained to prayerful clasping click
and click again: a righteous torrent races.
Worshipping eyes the pixels scanning pick
out Godliness in Godforsaken places.
My argument’s displaced as it displaces;
relentlessly undoing what I know.
Their certainty, just like Mother Teresa’s,
radiates a pietistic glow.
Admit it, we’ve been schooled. Look how their numbers grow!Posted by on 12/14 at 04:24 AMJust like the cartoon squirrel that panting, hides
Beneath the furrowed leaves of Fall’s decay;
Clarke wrestles with his inmost man and bides
His time until he judges Berube
To be complacent, and to look away
Into the workings of his Blog Award
(Oh, how the Teacher struggles votes to sway!)
When Clarke has deemed the pedagogue adored
Has too long allowed his mind to stray
Step forth he shall, to force the party’s board
To Acquit; Party secrets must stay unexplored.Posted by Kathy McCarty on 12/14 at 04:35 AMNothing like a real
Spenserian stanza to
Break the freakin’ bank* * *
Sponaneous verse
Like flying pigs singing toads
Knows no bounds nor ends* * *
Wackyland Japan
Big Friendly Jazz Orchestra
Beats the heat sounds neat* * *
The accused is well
versed in green geometry
triangulates guiltPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/14 at 06:20 AMStill tilting at windmills, Snowball?
What are you hinting at, CC? I quit reading after Chapter 4, figuring it would just be all downhill after I got “Animal Hero, First Class”.
Oops, gotta do a social realist pose now for the endcover of this edition.
Posted by on 12/14 at 07:09 AMFirst, a sentencing idea: must post scarlet letter GO (for Guilty One and Gojira) prominently on Creek Running North until the advent of the GNF. I picture a Scarlet Letter motif over a Gojira eyeball.
Next, a haiku:
Chris Clarke, Guilty One
delaying the GNF
nuclear winterFinally, a badly scanning limerick:
There once was a gent name o’Clarke
Whose keyboard was mightier than Zeke’s bark
Messed with the WAAGNFNP
By freeing, then screwing, a pony
Let’s hope someday he’ll glow in the darkCaptcha: trouble
Posted by The Constructivist on 12/14 at 07:19 AMJon H - The Astartoth drawing which I call “Classic Astaroth” is, I belive, an old drawing that appears to be not subject to copyright restriction. If it is, we’ll just add it to the list of charges against the accused.
CCP created an original and modern image of Astaroth specifically for WAAGNFNP usage**. I call it Astaroth 2006. It gives you a little taste of the “Goddess of lust and seduction” aspect of our Patron/ess Demon/ess. I’ll post it now to distract the Guilty One’s defense team:
The other great thing about CCP’s image here is that it hi-lights Astaroth’s influence and powers over knowledge and Higher Learning -
He can make men wonderfully knowing in all Liberal Sciences.
So Astaroth’s the perfect Patron/ess Demon/ess for this blog. (And some of you thought he was just good for Accusing and Inquisiting!) I bet Michael didn’t even know he needed one until recently. But when he wins the Weblogs Best Edumacational blog, our great offering (the Glorious CCST) to Astaroth will be the reason why. So vote early and vote often.
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
Summoner of Astaroth - the Bringer of Weblog Victory
WAAGNFNP**I would have posted it earlier in the proceedings, but I didn’t know until just now he’d made a smaller version of it.
Note - “Astaroth 2006” by Central Content Publisher for official WAAGNFNP usage. Please ask permission for other uses. Unless he says here that you don’t have to.
Posted by Oaktown Girl on 12/14 at 08:16 AMThe other great thing about CCP’s image here is that it hi-lights Astaroth’s influence and powers over knowledge and Higher Learning.
Not to mention his/her six-pack abs.
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/14 at 08:40 AMFROM THE MINISTER OF JUSTICE - CCST DAY THREE BEGINS
Welcome WAAGNFNP Friends and Faithful to the final and most glorious day of the Glorious Chris Clarke Show Trial!
The official verdict of guilt will be along later in the day with much pomp and circumstance, so stay tuned for that. But we don’t have to wait for the final judgement before we being jury deliberations on punishments for the Guilty One and his depraved Defense Team. But mostly for the Guilty One.
TC jumped the gun and started early in #178 with a pretty intriguing idea - a prominent emblem of some sort on the Guilty One’s blog. Definitely worthy of further discussion.
NOTICE TO WAAGNFNP PATRIOTS - jury deliberation time does not signify the end of testimony. Accusations and Inquisitions against the Guilty One will be accepted right up until the point of repentance, (which will be followed by forgiveness and reunion, but let’s not talk about that just now.)
LET THE DELIBERATIONS BEGIN!
captcha -price. The Guilty One will pay a steep price!
Oaktown Girl
Minister of Justice
WAAGNFNPPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/14 at 08:54 AMSearching and searching on the widening web
The seeker cannot find the sought;
Links fall apart; teh Google cannot resolve;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the tubes,
The incommensurable tides are loosed, and everywhere
The assumption of innocence is drowned;
The best push for conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate cluelessness.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Verdict is at hand.
The Verdict! Hardly are those words out
When a figure out of Desert Solitaire
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert
A shape with interesting shorts and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the GNF,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That several weeks of stony sleep
were vexed to nightmare by a banging gavel,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches along Route 666 to be judged?
Posted by on 12/14 at 09:17 AMEenie meenie miny moe
Catch Chris Clarke by the toe
If he hollers let him go, NOT!
Eenie meenie miny moeOR
Little ittly bitty woof
Catch a pony by the hoof
If s/he winnies declare Chris Clarke guilty as charged
Little ittly bitty woofPosted by Bill Benzon on 12/14 at 09:33 AMThat Astaroth has no nipples! It’s very disturbing and offensive.
I know what it means to have some weird site gaining on you in the weblog awards—I think they must be rigged. I had a 600 vote lead in my category, and then the competition started stripping for votes.
Posted by PZ Myers on 12/14 at 09:44 AMI say toss him into the Briar Patch, Br’er Astaroth! Chain the Guilty So&so to a rock on top of Cima Dome and let the local ravens peck his seemingly all-knowing eyes out.
Allegorically speaking, natch.
(captcha: stay. NO STAY OF DUE PUNISHMENT FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE PARTY)Posted by on 12/14 at 10:12 AMBecause Show Trials should never go on in only one space a time—for that would make things too easy for the defendant—I have added an additional charge against Mr. Hottie McNaturepants in my own virtual courtroom here.
Posted by Dr. Virago on 12/14 at 10:19 AMPZ - shut up. I can’t belive I voted for you just now and them come back to read that drivel. You lost all your credibility yesterday by fawning over the Guilty One’s YouTube video and claiming it was good defense in his Show Trial. Hogwash. The video was good, but totally irrelevant to the charges against the accused.
You’re probably one of those simpletons who watches Fox News and says, “You know, they make a pretty good point.”
If you are going to be this useless, someone should just jangle some keys in front of your face to distract you and keep you out of our hair.
Get with the program. It’s Judgement Time!
Oaktown Girl
MoJ
WAAGNFNPPosted by Oaktown Girl on 12/14 at 10:23 AMMichael said: <i>OK, Dr. V., what do you think of our little show trial now? We even got some of that Anglo-Saxon alliterative shit goin’ down here.<i>
The Virago is pleased. But where are the Middle English fourteeners? Or the bob and wheel stanzas? The Virago would contribute her own but she is a lousy poet. She figures it’s her job to read poetry, not write it, since there are probably more poets in the world at this moment than there are readers of poetry and someone must address the imbalance.
And on that note, The Virago (who enjoys referring to herself in the third person) charges Chris Clarke with adding too much to the international supply of doggerel poetry without doing his part to reduce the amount of unread poetry. His poetry footprint, therefore, is too deep!
Posted by Dr. Virago on 12/14 at 10:29 AMD’oh. The Virago can’t write HTML code, either.
Posted by Dr. Virago on 12/14 at 10:30 AMRe: comment #186: If you’re link adverse, here’s the text of my accusation:
He says he’s not a feminist even though he is! [Note, that link goes to the H. McN’s own words.] He says instead that he’s a “fellow traveler” and that sounds mighty suspicious. Who needs to travel when all you need is right here in the good ol’ U. S. of A? And what does travelin’ have to do with feminism? Hm? Clearly he’s confusing a populace about what it means to be a feminist when they’re already confused enough as it is! Heck, even I’m confused and I’m a feminist. At least, I think I am. See! Dammit! Confused! Makes head hurt!
Guilty, I say! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Posted by Dr. Virago on 12/14 at 10:44 AM“‘I wish they’d get the trial done,’ she thought, `and hand round the refreshments!’ But there seemed to be no chance of this, so she began looking at everything about her, to pass away the time. . . . `And that’s the jury-box,’ thought Alice, `and those twelve creatures,’ (she was obliged to say `creatures,’ you see, because some of them were animals, and some were birds,) . . .”
Posted by on 12/14 at 11:36 AMI had a 600 vote lead in my category, and then the competition started stripping for votes.
I did see that, PZ. It is truly reprehensible and obnoxious and kinda hot. But I think it’s pretty unlikely that my opponents will resort to a similar strategem.
Posted by Michael on 12/14 at 12:26 PMWhat’s the point of home-schooling if you have to get dressed? These fundies and their lost opportunities.
Posted by Chris "posting from home" Clarke on 12/14 at 12:35 PMLast night in a public place I witnessed a billionaire playing “Sally Gooden” on the banjo.
Anything is possible, is what I’m saying: anything at all. Even trumping these trumped up charges against our beleaguered client.
It’s what we’re calling Xena’s paradox. The closer you approach to the certainty of what’s impossible, the more likely it is to be made into a regularly scheduled television program. Oh, yes. Anything is possible. Even in the plain dreams of the plain people of the plains of Mongolia, the possibility of a world where Chris Clarke is free to come and go and bunnycuddle as is his harmless wont captures the monochrome imagination of the hopeful masses!
Posted by on 12/14 at 01:22 PMYou know, maybe one way you can improve your lead is by putting that naked Astaroth on the front page. But for Astaroth’s sake, paint some nipples on her first!
Posted by PZ Myers on 12/14 at 01:25 PMThe official verdict of guilt will be along later in the day with much pomp and circumstance
Sentence first--verdict afterwards.
And that’s the jury-box,’ thought Alice, `and those twelve creatures ...Alice continues to grow to monstrous proportions and is subsequently removed from the courtroom for striking a social realist pose. Trial officials debate whether she is to be shot or if it’s:
Off with her head!
_________________________________________________
.... rough beast ....
Slouches along Route 666 to be judged?
Preferred choice was Highway 61*, but I have been enjoined upthread from mentioning any terrain features ending in 1 by some Minister or other on pain of joining teh Clarke*[Meta-mentions of Highway 61 do not count**]
**[Nor do meta-meta-mentions ... I hope]
Posted by on 12/14 at 01:28 PMBut the rank and file are looking a bit ... dodgy. Can vanguardism be taken too far?
Ah, look to Danby to encapsulate, with all his pith and such.
We’re spunky, we’re home, and we’re schooling that prosecution, is what I’m saying.
/pr
Ad Hoc Defensorial Defense Team of Defenders of Your Man McNaturepants Cadre
(Second Line)Posted by on 12/14 at 01:41 PMSpunky’s in the lead, 3573 to 3570.
Posted by Bill Benzon on 12/14 at 01:50 PMQuick, start the voting machines were rigged engines with one hand while voting with the other hand!
Posted by The Constructivist on 12/14 at 02:48 PMGratuitous comment to make it an even 200.
P.S.: Just thought I’d mention that meta-mentions will never be outlawed on this blog.
P.P.S.: Plus, that great October Revolution poster would even get the Guilty One off.
Posted by on 12/14 at 03:10 PMThe pictures above are meaningful.They remind me of some warm feeling.
Posted by Jess Holroyd on 06/30 at 01:16 AMAshtaroth, or Astaroth, was a demon and the Treasurer of Hell. He encouraged sloth and idleness. Wednesday only mentioned the name in passing, but I would assume he was referring to the goddess, not the demon.
<a rel="follow" href="http://www.grobust.ro/">marire sani</a>Posted by marire sani on 10/16 at 11:06 AMThe other great thing about CCP’s image here is that it hi-lights Astaroth’s influence and powers over knowledge and Higher Learning.
Not to mention his/her six-pack abs.
Its true, for six pack abs need practice and good nutrition.Posted by Gain Six Pack Abas Fast on 12/27 at 01:22 PMAnimal Control, please--paging Animal Control!
Could someone please corral all the pretty horsies, bunnies, reptiles, doggies, and other four-legged misnomers wandering through this court house?
And indeed, I grow wary of those Christian home school soldiers. Sneaky evangelicals (or whatever sect they happen to be). Turn your back on them for one minute, and they start converting the secular masses. Down with their program, and down with the educationaleque value of their efforts to rock the vote!
We must smite them.
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