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So it’s a very light blogging week around here, except maybe for that one 5000-word essay hogging all that space below.  It turns out that I have had precisely two unbroken days since the end of the semester in early May!  By “unbroken” I mean “not pockmarked with meetings, comprehensive exams, appointments with the vet, meetings, appointments with the orthodontist, meetings, conferences in Washington, appointments with attorneys, or meetings.” And this week Jamie has had not one but two half-days: yesterday, for the last day of school (yay!  Jamie moves on to the eighth grade!), and today at the Y, whose schedule is coordinated with other schools whose last day was today.  Well, you know I can’t very well sit around blogging while Jamie is building a giant mousetrap next to the stairs, or searching for his Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets computer game, or taking out every condiment in the refrigerator in order to make me a sandwich I most assuredly will not eat (even as I appreciate the thought!).  It’s been kind of like a weekend around here, in other words, and that means (among other things) playing a daunting memory game in which Jamie takes seventy or eighty of his wrestling men, stuffed animals, and assorted figurines out of the bins in his room, places them on the bed in groups of three or four, and asks me to introduce them all to Woody (from Toy Story).  The challenge lies in remembering all the names Jamie has given these creatures: you have to introduce the first three or four to Woody, then the next three or four together with the first three or four, then the next three or four together with the first six or eight, and so on.  And the names!  They include

Slurfy the Penguin
Steven O’Mallon
Ellie Allie Olive
Jaws of a Tiger
William Macacque
Mister Koosh-Duck
Adam Foote (a dog)
Robert Hayes
Lance Carter
Maurice Hanover (even though the figure is that of Marge Simpson)
Elvis Banks
Lauren Morrow
Obiwan Kenobi (a lemur)
Sam I Am the Duck
Lauren Morrow
Nick Hamilton
Glenn Close (a shark)
Brian Hunter (another dog)
Bob For Apples
Ramon Rinden
Tucker Martinez
Licorice the Camel
TV Woman Show
Jimbolay Habulay
Kevin Brown (a chihuahua)
Steve Irwin (a red-banded leaf monkey)
Cinnamon Allen
Alex Fernandez
Moonface
Crazy Wazy
Victor Pterodactyl
DeMarco Evans
Tom McCracken

as well as a whale named “Oakland Raiders” and two identical sharks named “Doug Balant” and “Doug Blount.”

So Nick, Jamie and I went to play some golf yesterday.  That went pretty well.  Jamie has a nice touch around the greens sometimes, and once hit a 20-footer; Nick drained two or three clutch six-footers while Jamie chattered in the background.  Today Jamie and I played mini-golf on the way to the Y, which reminded me that being part of the only twosome on a dilapidated little mini-golf course is one of the most forlorn “recreational” experiences known to humankind.  It also reminded me that there is a real golf tournament going on this weekend, and that I shot my 79 on Father’s Day last year and blew off the final round of the U.S. Open because I figured there was no way Retief Goosen was going to lose, since he’s just one of those guys like Hale Irwin or Curtis Strange or Andy North whose only majors are U.S. Opens, for reasons ill-understood by golfing science.  So I was wrong!  Goosen shot an 81 that day, and clearly needed tips from me on the whole breaking-80 thing.  This year I have a funny feeling about Ernie Els.  I also have a funny feeling that 285 will be good enough to win.  Not as bad as the 1974 Massacre at Winged Foot, mind you, but close.

I’m not golf blogging.  I’m just saying.

Anyway, enough about me and mine and the USGA.  Today I’d like to turn your attention to someone who does the exhausting single-parent drill as well as anyone, and who, in her spare time, basically invented feminist blogging back in 2000.  I’m talking, of course, about the lovely and very talented Lauren, formerly of Feministe, who has been invited to be a panelist at BlogHer.  However, it turns out that the invention of feminist blogging back in 2000 did not carry with it a million-dollar annuity, so Lauren could use your help getting there. Chris Clarke has created an Amazon account for her, and he even claims that he’s picking her up at the airport.  Then again, he also claims to have refrained from eating my halibut while I slammed tequila shots with Ward Churchill and arm-wrestled pole-dancers back in September, and that’s not true, because he definitely snuck a few forkfuls of fish while I wasn’t looking.  People have already donated enough to cover the airfare and such, but you know, there are incidentals, and Lauren definitely deserves an incidental or two.  So stop by, if you’d be so kind, and chip in for Lauren, feministe extraordinaire and inspiration to us all.

Posted by on 06/15 at 01:31 PM
  1. Bob for Apples.

    That’s hilarious.

    Posted by  on  06/15  at  03:42 PM
  2. Hey, that’s my MWF class roster from Fall 2004!

    I guess “Moonface” is derived from Dr. Seuss’s “Too Many Daves.” There ought to be a Marvin O’Gravel to accompany him.

    Posted by  on  06/15  at  05:04 PM
  3. Please tell me that Jaws of a Tiger has the rest of the tiger attached, too.  Or is it even a tiger?

    I think I may need to name a pet “Jamie’s Bob for Apples” someday.  I agree with rm—that *is* hilarious.

    OK, off to make an incidental donation for Lauren.

    Posted by Dr. Virago  on  06/15  at  05:13 PM
  4. "Glenn Close (a shark)”

    Bwahahahaha!  Jamie’s got a wicked streak!

    I also love that Marge Simpson is transmogrified (in my mind) into an effect royalist with a pencil moustache and a smoking jacket.

    Posted by  on  06/15  at  05:15 PM
  5. ummm--"effete," not “effect.”

    damn!

    Posted by  on  06/15  at  05:16 PM
  6. Jamie’s figurines have been sending me all my spam. Who knew?

    Posted by  on  06/15  at  05:59 PM
  7. I think I may need to name a pet “Jamie’s Bob for Apples” someday.  I agree with rm—that *is* hilarious.

    I love it.  And especially:

    “TV Woman Show.”

    A lot of these are too good not to steal, were one the type to siphon off another’s creativity, but “TV Woman Show.” Wow.

    Posted by  on  06/15  at  06:08 PM
  8. Adam Foote (a dog)

    Truer words were never spoken.

    Posted by Nell  on  06/15  at  06:36 PM
  9. If this is the mini-golf course by Meijer Dairy, then no wonder it was a sad experience.  That place would be sad even if the Ringling Bros. Circus was there playing a round.

    Posted by  on  06/15  at  07:10 PM
  10. So Lauren lives in central Indiana? I must have missed her for the cornfields.

    Posted by A. G.  on  06/15  at  07:55 PM
  11. It is indeed, Britton, it is indeed.  Why they put all their energy into those “sculpted” “rocks” and rotting wood structures, I’ll never know.  So I think I convinced Jamie to hit the Penn State practice green with me instead.

    TV Woman Show has always been my favorite, too, for its sheer Dadaism.  Marge as Maurice Hanover is perfectly loopy too.  But this morning he reduced me to helpless laughter (in which he promptly joined) by insisting on putting a detached leg of some Star Wars figure on the bed and calling it “Leg.” “You can’t do that,” I protested, “it’s not even a person or an animal!” “Its name is ‘Leg,’” Jamie replied, and there was no gainsaying him.

    And that was the highlight of my day.

    Posted by Michael  on  06/15  at  07:56 PM
  12. Sounds as if he’d be a sucker for Beachcomber’s Mr Justice Cocklecarrot and the twelve Red-Bearded Dwarves - from memory, Sophus Barkayo-Tong, Amaninter Axling, Farjole Merrybody, Guttergorm Guttergormpton, Badly Oronparser, Cleveland Zackhouse, Molonay Tubilderborst, Edeledel Edel, Scorpion de Rooftrouser, Listenis Youghaupt, Frums Gillygottle, and Churm Rincewind.
    And, I suppose, Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davey, Dan’l Whiddon, Harry Hawke, old uncle Tom Cobley and all.
    And perhaps the catalogue of ships.

    Posted by Chris B  on  06/15  at  08:05 PM
  13. For a brief extract, see http://www.edwards.care4free.net/JBM-rbd.htm

    Posted by Chris B  on  06/15  at  08:08 PM
  14. So Lauren lives in central Indiana?

    I suppose you could call it that.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  06/15  at  08:13 PM
  15. Rud, I do believe I may have taken a class with you. 

    And thank you Michael, and everyone else, for your support on this.  To understate, I’m blown away.

    Posted by Lauren  on  06/15  at  08:18 PM
  16. What, central Indiana, or living there? Hey, we got Daylight Savings Time now, after 30 years of not changing God’s time!

    BTW, I know the putt putt, as we call it here in Indiana, by the Meijer’s in Lafayette.

    Posted by A. G.  on  06/15  at  08:19 PM
  17. "Rud, I do believe I may have taken a class with you.”

    Ah, yes, I am a memorable teacher!

    Posted by A. G.  on  06/15  at  08:21 PM
  18. Well, I’ll say this (TAKE NOTE, PROFESSORS!):  You need to take attendance in those big lecture halls.  Nevertheless, I did study and “earned” myself an A. 

    Not to mention that the education and culture studies came in handy when I critiqued the anti-public education people while ed-blogging.

    Posted by Lauren  on  06/15  at  08:30 PM
  19. I can’t go for that, no can do. won’t take attendance in the big semester class. But I know ‘em all in the summer, had 12 for Maymester, and 22 now. Hey, Lauren, if you were there, I’d even get to know your name! And I sure will know ‘em all when we do it in England next summer!

    If you are free in the next few weeks, come by and chat with my class about bloggin’ the anti public education folks. We do Nickleby and ed reform and such in early July.

    Posted by A. G.  on  06/15  at  08:39 PM
  20. It sounds like most of Jamie’s toys live in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld.  Mister Koosh-Duck could be a dwarf in the Watch.

    Posted by  on  06/15  at  10:19 PM
  21. A short-handed sudden death goal, and no hockey blogging?

    Posted by  on  06/15  at  11:43 PM
  22. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always found the idea of giving animals normal “people names” to be highly amusing.  Imagining a guy with a labrador retriever named Glenn or Dennis just makes me giggle.  So naturally, by the time I reached the sharks named “Doug Balant” and “Doug Blount,” I was beside myself.  Fantastic.

    Posted by  on  06/16  at  09:52 AM
  23. Betsy, wasn’t that something?  A lazy pass by the usually very un-lazy Cory Stillman (though I think Moreau slapped his stick just as he was releasing), and pow, we have our first-ever SH OT GW in Stanley Cup history, to go along with Pronger’s first-ever penalty shot goal in Staney Cup history.

    But I said Canes in 6, so I’m standing by that.  Not that I’d mind seeing the series return to Raleigh. . . .  In which case there will be much hockey blogging.

    Posted by Michael  on  06/16  at  11:35 AM
  24. I’m not golf blogging.  I’m just saying.

    Not only are you golf blogging, you’ve attempted to mask the stench of it by squeezing it sinisterly between the perfectly enchanting topic of Jamie’s wonderful and amazing names for his critters, and the serious and noble matter of the fundraiser to help Lauren. Have you no shame? Let’s unpack that one “little” golf paragraph and examine its “golfiness” quotient. 

    In your self-described act of “not golf blogging”, (and yes, we know that you know that we know that you were indeed golf blogging!), you managed to do the following:

    1. Mention the U.S. open this weekend complete with a link to its official site
    2. Mentioning your personal golf score from this time last year
    3. Discuss last year’s U.S. Open and U.S. Open winners of the past
    4. Mention your prediction for last year’s U.S. Open winner
    4. Lay out your prediction for this year, both for a certain player and the winning score.
    5. Provide historical context (1974 U.S. Open) for this year’s prediction
    6. And the final insult: your mock denial of engaging in any golf blogging.

    The needle on the “golfiness” meter is maxing out in the Red Zone and can’t handle much more.

    In order to cleanse myself of the “golf pox“ which you have so cruelly inflicted, I will now go back and re-read and meditate on the names of Jamie’s critters.

    1. Slurfy the Penguin.  Ahhh...sigh...big smile. Peace.

    Posted by  on  06/17  at  05:14 PM
  25. Cool!  Look at all that information I provided without even trying to do any golf blogging.  I was going to speculate at some length on why it is that the Open produces Open-only champions like Irwin, Strange, Goosen, North (and I forgot Lee Janzen!), and I was going to say something about the Jason Gore/ Kenneth Ferrie phenomenon, too, but I restrained myself.  And yet I managed to get six things done without even trying!

    Posted by Michael  on  06/18  at  07:47 AM
  26. Damn, Michael. I thought the Republicans had cornered the market on hubris.

    New blog title: Not Golf Blogging

    Your numbers will spike until people realize that you are, in fact, golf blogging.

    14. Sam I Am the Duck.  Deep inhale...exhale…

    Posted by  on  06/18  at  09:54 AM
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  33. Hey, It sounds me like joyful funky moments as Jamie has had not one but two half-days!Even Jamie has also moved up to the eighth grade which lets put him in the pond of enjoyment.Meanwhile it would not be a bad idea to gift him the useful stuffs.

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