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Who’s Out to Get You?

Hey folks!  Bill O’Reilly has a brand new book that bids fair to edge out Dinesh D’Souza for the division title and qualify for the World Series of Stupid!  In this book, Culture Warrior (published, like D’Souza’s The Enemy at Home, by Random House’s innovative new Spinning Wingnut Division) the Man Who Made Felafel Famous strikes back against America’s “secular-progressive” conspiracy!

Now, if this were a serious kind of blog, I would no doubt make some kind of serious point right about now—something to the effect of how O’Reilly’s premise, like D’Souza’s, relies on nothing other than the logic of U. No.’s bold and brilliant graphic novel of 2005, “Discover the Networks,” in which secular progressives (and film critics like Roger Ebert) are the domestic-enemy counterparts to our neither-secular-nor-progressive enemies abroad—and therein lies the hidden link between Rob Reiner and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi!

And if this were a petulant, I-told-you-so kind of blog, I would no doubt get all huffy right about now, especially at people who think it’s not worth the time and effort to pay attention to the spittle-flecked maniacs of the right, or who’ve told me (at various points over the last fifteen years) that the culture wars are distractions from business as usual.  Because you know what?  From Bill O’Reilly (to whom I will not refer by his initials, because this might well be construed as a slur against sensible, upstanding Malodorous- Americans everywhere) all the way up to Dick Cheney, calling liberals traitors is business as usual.

But this is not a serious blog, and it is not a petulant, I-told-you-so kind of blog.  It doesn’t engage in any sneaky duplicitous speech acts, either, the kind where it says something it’s not saying, or says it’s not saying something it is saying.  Not at all!  Well, hardly ever.  This is a happy-go-lucky mockery blog, so we’re gonna give Billy O. the same treatment we gave U. No. when he discovered his networks.

For example.  The far-left smear site Media Matters claims that O’Reilly’s new book amounts to an “enemies list.” At the outset of the book, Billy O. writes:  “Because I criticize what I consider to be dishonest and unfair media, and extremist pundits on both the right and the left as well as corrupt and/or ineffective politicians, there is no shortage of people trying to marginalize me, or worse, destroy me.” And if you check the list of Beleaguered Billy’s enemies with which Media Matters provides you, well, it looks pretty damn long—and kinda wacky and daffy.  Media Matters lists seventy-nine entries, including not only eighteen U.S. city newspapers from the New York Times to the St. Petersburg Times, but entire national broadcasting networks like the BBC and the CBC!

But this happy blog is—uh—happy to announce that it has discovered the full and complete list of everyone who is trying to marginalize or destroy (or marginalize and destroy) the brave guy who’s looking out for you.  We hereby provide it you free of charge, as a public service.  All we ask is that you add a few more names to it and pass it along down one of the available Internet tubes:

* ACLU
* Air America host Al Franken
* Michael Savage
* The New York Times
* Air America Radio
* Boston Globe
* Washington Post
* Baltimore Sun
* Atlanta Journal-Constitution
* Miami Herald
* New Orleans Times-Picayune
* St. Louis Post-Dispatch
* Kansas City Star
* Minneapolis Star Tribune
* Houston Chronicle
* Denver Post
* Seattle Post-Intelligencer
* The Oregonian
* San Francisco Chronicle
* Sacramento Bee
* Los Angeles Times
* St. Petersburg Times
* New York Times
columnist Maureen Dowd
* New York Times columnist Paul Krugman
* New York Times columnist Bob Herbert
* New York Times columnist Frank Rich
* New York Times columnist George Vecsey
* New York Times copyeditor Milton Waddams
* MoveOn.org
* Dave Chappelle
* Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA)
* Huckleberry Finn
* Roger Baldwin, founder of the ACLU
* Anthony Romero, executive director of the ACLU
* Elizabeth Cady Stanton
* University of California-Berkeley professor George Lakoff
* Atlanta Journal-Constitution columnist Harris Green
* Howard Dean
* Tia Carrere
* Progressive financier George Soros
* Progressive financier Peter Lewis
* The Hanson brothers
* Thomas Pynchon
* Harvard Law School professor Alan Dershowitz
* Julie Andrews
* New York Daily News entertainment columnist Jack Matthews
* Dallas Morning News columnist Macarena Hernandez
* far-left Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen
* Denver Post columnist Cindy Rodriguez
* Bullwinkle Moose
* Dan Rather
* Jackson Pollock
* Tom Brokaw
* Wynton Marsalis
* Ted Koppel
* Lindsay Beyerstein
* ABC News producer Rick Kaplan
* Neil Young
* Neil Kinnock
* Walter Cronkite
* Brian Eno
* Bill Moyers
* Gary Numan
* Canadian Broadcasting Corp.
* British Broadcasting Co.
* The swarthy foreigner at the newspaper stand at 46th and Sixth who won’t look at me when he gives me my change
* Newsweek senior editor and columnist Jonathan Alter
* Ann Coulter
* David Gates and Bread
* New York Times Magazine columnist Randy Cohen
* New York Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger III
* New York Times Magazine crossword puzzle
* New York Times executive editor Bill Keller
* The 1973-74 Washington Bullets
* Sam Donaldson
* Jon Stewart
* Lee Siegel
* Sprezzatura
* New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof
* New York Times assistant editor Adam Cohen
* Bil Keane’s Family Circus
* Philadelphia Inquirer columnist Jeff Gelles
* Philadelphia Inquirer editorial board
* Associated Press television writer Frazier Moore
* The cast and crew of Friends
* Atlanta Journal-Constitution editorial page editor Cynthia Tucker
* The L train to Canarsie
* Washington Post columnist Harold Meyerson
* Cher
* CNN
* Ted Turner
* Sideshow Bob
* National Public Radio host Terry Gross
* Maya Angelou
* Jane Fonda
* Christopher Walken
* Jeremy Glick, author and son of 9-11 victim Barry Glick
* Sir Edmund Hillary
* Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan
* Gloria Gaynor
* Filmmaker Michael Moore
* Patti Smith
* Barbra Streisand
* Washington State Supreme Court
* Charlie Watts
* Associated Press
* Spuds McKenzie
* Ninth Circuit Judge Stephen Reinhardt
* The “majority” of the Vermont press
* Christo
* Susan Sarandon
* Steve Buscemi
* George Clooney
* House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi (CA)
* Ludacris
* Alec Baldwin
* Newsday columnist Jimmy Breslin
* The woman who wouldn’t say hello to me when I got into the shower with her
* David Letterman

OK, good people, you know what to do!  Have fun—and be happy!

Posted by on 09/25 at 08:02 AM
  1. You forgot Rosie O’Donnell, my grandma, Roy G. Biv, and Bed, Bath and Beyond.

    Posted by Orange  on  09/25  at  09:13 AM
  2. Damn!  I almost included Roy G. Biv—and Katie Please Come Out For Goodness’ Sake, too.  All that secular-progressive “science” stuff is an enemy of traditional Americans.  But that’s what the Internet tubes are for!  Add more names and pass it along!

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  09:21 AM
  3. I called him an “arrogant and loud ideologue” on C-Span 2. Not only that, but I coupled him with Ann Coulter. Can I stand next to Dave?

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  09:27 AM
  4. Yes, you may stand next to Dave, Chris, but only if you’re not wearing one of those tight sweaters that draw undue attention to yourself.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  09:28 AM
  5. The Quentin Tarantino of English lit. isn’t on there. Neither is that guy who drives around obliviously with his blinker on.

    Can I nominate myself, or is self-promotion frowned upon here?

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  09:33 AM
  6. Michael, I thought Brian Eno was a right-wing military strategist.  Rumor has it that *Taking Tiger Mountain By Strategy* is a staple on GWB’s iPod (great brush-clearing tunes!).  Bush has claimed, “If I, uh, could locate this ‘Tiger Mountain,’ I’d, uh, take it by strategy too, heh heh.”

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  09:45 AM
  7. That rabid S-P blogger Pharyngula.

    And let us not forget Oprah Winfrey, Molly Ivins, Barbara Ehrenreich, The Dixie Chicks, Barbara Walters, and Martha Stewart.

    Posted by Joanna  on  09/25  at  09:50 AM
  8. Let’s not forget Hip-Hop, who, as I understand it, is one particular person who sells drugs on the corner by the church where decent people just try to get by.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  10:07 AM
  9. V. Ed, this blog frowns on the promotion of all selves other than itself.  But thanks for asking!

    Luther, Eno got on Bill O.’s list for Another Green World, which Felafelman understood to be an endorsement of An Inconvenient Truth.  Just as Sir Edmund Hillary got on the list for . . . well, the name says it all.

    Thanks for adding Pharyngula and all those shrill women, Joanna!  Outer Wingnuttia thanks you.  And mathpants, thanks for Hip-Hop, though I believe he is two guys, like that “Outkast” group I’ve heard so much about.

    Posted by Michael  on  09/25  at  10:12 AM
  10. Suzy Creamcheese, a boy named Sue.

    Captcha: they. Them too.

    Posted by black dog barking  on  09/25  at  10:22 AM
  11. I see you included Bullwinkle, but left out his nefarious colleague Mr. Peabody.  That damn left-wing intellectual dog has been using the wayback machine to retroactively alter facts so that poor Mr. O’Reilly looks like a fool. 

    I hold Sherman blameless.  He is just an innocent dupe, but he should be rendered to Syria for 10 months just to be sure.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  10:30 AM
  12. Winston Churchill, father of Ward.

    Posted by John Protevi  on  09/25  at  10:33 AM
  13. Oh, and Stephanie Miller and her crew.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  10:33 AM
  14. It seems to me the person at the top of his list should be the ghost writer of his lastest tome.

    And, in second place should be the editor, or if the book has no editor, the person who told him he needs no editor.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  10:38 AM
  15. Hmmm...Gary Coleman, Frank “Grimey” Grimes (who faked his own death, the better to destroy Bill O’Reilly), the gay Teletubby or Teletubbies, Chico--but not The Man, Grandmaster Flash and Three of the Furious Five, Emilio Estevez (who may or may not have faked his own death, the better to destroy Bill O’Reilly), Styx, Morganna the Kissing Bandit, Bobby Neuwirth, Ol’ Dirty Bastard (who faked his own death, the better to destroy Bill O’Reilly), Mike Hammer (and possibly MC Hammer), that brown guy at the George Allen rally, The Canadian Football League, the shadowy inventor of the Lindy Hop, and--hello?!--Sean Penn and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

    Posted by Heraclitus  on  09/25  at  10:46 AM
  16. Dr. Ken Shelton

    Posted by John Protevi  on  09/25  at  10:55 AM
  17. Elaine Scarry.

    Oh, and probably Richard Scarry now that I think about it.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  11:05 AM
  18. Roy G. Biv’s cousin’s hip-hop band, Bell Biv Devoe
    Jiminy Glick

    Posted by J—  on  09/25  at  11:10 AM
  19. Far be it from me to think that B.O’Re’s facts could possibly be in error, but I don’t think there was such a team as the 1973-74 Washington Bullets.  I believe they were the Capital Bullets until the following year. 

    And he certainly must mean the entire team EXCEPT Wes Unseld.  I mean, c’mon, Wes Unseld!

    And isn’t Eno’s “Here Comes the Warm Jets” clear support for the USAF?

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  11:10 AM
  20. Aha!  I believe I have caught Billy O. in a lie, just like Al Franken predicted I would.  Because there is no such thing as the “1973-74 Washington Bullets”; that year’s incarnation of what are now the Washington Wizards were known as the “Capital Bullets.” Still, I’d be worried too, if the Elvin “The Big E” Hayes were amongst my enemies.  If he could whup Lew Alcindor, can you imagine what he would do to Billy O.?  Probably pull down like fifty boards.

    Posted by Sean Carroll  on  09/25  at  11:10 AM
  21. Richard Scarry?  The author of What Do People Do All Day—And How They Can Marginalize or Destroy Bill O’Reilly?  Good call, May!

    Posted by Michael  on  09/25  at  11:11 AM
  22. We can’t forget the Village People, Harry Potter, and Unicorns, but more importantly: here’s the short-list of people who don’t yet want to destroy Bill.

    - the Hell’s Angels
    - the Mob
    - Mossad
    - the IRS
    - Charles Manson
    - and last, but not least; Conan the Barbarian

    ...but no doubt, it’s only a matter of time.

    Posted by Central Content Publisher  on  09/25  at  11:12 AM
  23. But should Billy Boy get on the wrong side of Conan, there could be no greater pleasure that to hear the lamentations of Bill’s production assistants.

    Posted by John Protevi  on  09/25  at  11:18 AM
  24. *than* to hear, etc. Sigh. The hubris of ignoring the preview button!

    Posted by John Protevi  on  09/25  at  11:19 AM
  25. Great minds think alike, Sean Carroll!

    I think Wes Unseld could get even more rebounds than Conan the Barbarian OR B.O’Re.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  11:27 AM
  26. Winston Churchill, father of Ward.
    Dammit, I was going to use exactly that line.

    But anyway:
    Hitler, Stalin, each and every one of Zarqawi’s 73 second-in-commands, Noam Chomsky, Stephen King, Jane Austen, Bill Clinton, James Garfield, Garfield the cat, and Marion Delgado.

    Also, Oprah is not on Bill’s enemies list, I’m afraid.  I don’t know how a mistake passed this comment-box’s rigorous verification procedures, but as David Horowitz has repeatedly pointed out, she is in fact the conservative’s best friend; her very existence proves there are no race, gender, or weight heirarchies in America.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  11:27 AM
  27. Uh, how about your friend neighborhood alternative newsweekly?

    Posted by Roxanne  on  09/25  at  11:28 AM
  28. friendly.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  09/25  at  11:28 AM
  29. Or perhaps that is why Oprah is simultaneously and for the same reason the conservative’s worst enemy.  The comment-box is not mistaken; I simply failed to apply the dialectic.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  11:34 AM
  30. The Tia Carrere reference is gratuitous, ludicrous, ridiculous, outrageous, proposterous, and villanous.

    Posted by Bulworth  on  09/25  at  11:38 AM
  31. Hey you lot!  Erin O’Connor says you have to stop being so remarkably uniform in your admiration for me.  Especially now that “Berube’s admirers are already pre-emptively mocking readers who might disagree with his argument that there is no problem with political bias in higher education”—you know, by means of that infamous graphic novel.

    So hop to it!  I want to see some commenters trying to marginalize or destroy me.  Now!

    This will be great material for my next book.

    Posted by Michael  on  09/25  at  11:41 AM
  32. Objective Reality,
    Some guy from the Nigerian Ministry of Oil,
    Churchy LaFemme & Miss Mam’selle Hepzibah from Pogo,
    my daughter [whose question about his reputed charitable donations he read on the air - he recognized it as a dig and responded in kind. Further, she missed seeing it when it aired, as we happened to be enroute to the Greater State College Autonomous Region to attend the PA ACLU convention that evening.],
    Phillip Pullman

    But I suspect that if we saw his real enemies list, it would be topped by Hannity, Rush and his other competitors in the Demagoguathon.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  11:44 AM
  33. Ok, how about this:

    The publication of Michael Berube’s What’s Liberal About the Liberal Arts? has made something of a splash in academic circles (due in no small part, no doubt, to Berube’s tireless promotion of same on his own website). This will be a book for critics of academe to contend with, as Berube has styled himself as an authority on matters of intellectual diversity, academic freedom and the culture wars, and since the general consensus among academics seems to be that he’s right to have styled himself as such.

    How’s that for original, biting, and trenchant criticism?

    Posted by John Protevi  on  09/25  at  11:47 AM
  34. OK, I’ll admit it. I cribbed the paragraph in #33 from Erin O’Connor herself! What is it with the refusal to use accents on the last name of the host of this “immensely popular”? Is she intimidated by those e-thingies?

    Posted by John Protevi  on  09/25  at  11:55 AM
  35. Reggie Dunlop
    Dan Froomkin
    Joe McGrath
    Steven C. Clemons
    The Sparkle Twins
    Joshua Micah Marshall
    All those intelligence agency guys who say the Iraq war has increased terrorism.

    Posted by Himself  on  09/25  at  11:55 AM
  36. OK, let’s see: The American Heritage Dictionary editorial board, the reincarnation of Sylvia Plath disguised as the produce clerk at D’agostino’s, and Boomhauer.

    Marginalizing Michael:
    I hear he doesn’t put pennies in his loafers, and my sources inform me that his socks almost never match his shirt. As my mother always said, you can easily assess a man by assessing his footwear.  Therefore, this evidence shows that Professor Michael Berube is clearly a communist who uses every opportunity to assail American values.

    Posted by Heocwaeth  on  09/25  at  11:55 AM
  37. Blog. Immensely popular blog. Le Blog le plus connu que je connaisse.

    Posted by John Protevi  on  09/25  at  11:57 AM
  38. Also:  buy my book already!  Despite what some bloggers believe, I’m getting tired of promoting the damn thing!

    Posted by Michael  on  09/25  at  11:59 AM
  39. So hop to it!  I want to see some commenters trying to marginalize or destroy me. 

    Next time, make the discussion of Silas Marner shorter than the actual novel.

    There. I said it, and I’m not sorry.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  09/25  at  12:02 PM
  40. Hugo Chaves, J. C. Chasez, Chevy Chase.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  12:07 PM
  41. Michael,

    You aren’t funny.  You are never funny.  Liberals are never funny and you are a liberal. 

    You, and your pre-emptively mocking and thoroughly misguided readers, say mean, nasty, mocking things about the people who really know what’s up.  That is not nice.  It can not be tolerated.

    Those who know better are funny, and it is funny when they are nasty.

    More?

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  12:07 PM
  42. But “the woman who wouldn’t say hello to me when I got in the shower with her” definitely belongs on the list.

    Posted by Bulworth  on  09/25  at  12:09 PM
  43. I bought it. I read it. And I’m thinking on it.

    But, as I told you via email, it would’ve been much cooler if Gatsby’s Daisy had some relation to the HAL 9000’s Daisy.

    Posted by Roxanne  on  09/25  at  12:10 PM
  44. That’s everyone but his mommy.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  12:16 PM
  45. You know in my darkest hours when my eagle is plucked and my serpent is sick, I wonder what would happen if someone were to start a Web site the lists all the key men and women of the main organizations that make up the donor base of the Republican Party, you know, a REAL who’s who of plutocracy and infamy as opposed to Mr O-lie-ly’s useful phantoms.
    But then the image degenerates and all I can think of is late 19th century Russia.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  12:19 PM
  46. You aren’t funny.  You are never funny.  Liberals are never funny and you are a liberal.

    You, and your pre-emptively mocking and thoroughly misguided readers, say mean, nasty, mocking things about the people who really know what’s up.

    OK, May, that’s just uncivil and partisan.  It makes me sad to see people become so uncivil and partisan just because I invited them to marginalize and/or destroy me.  I think I’m going to have to become one of those bloggers who engages in sneaky duplicitous speech acts after all.  And it’s all your fault for making me do it.

    Posted by Michael  on  09/25  at  12:25 PM
  47. Elvis

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  12:27 PM
  48. Off the top of my head: the man in the macintosh, Blodgett Waxwing, Hedwig (the owl), Hedwig (of the angry inch), the sirens of Titan, Frank Perdue, Papa Smurf, Susan Sontag, Commendatore Bacibaci, Cecil B. DeMille, Cecil Rhodes, David the gnome, Maya the bee, Eric the half-a-bee, Clifford the Big Red Dog, the cast of Duck Tales, Steve Irwin (the book had already gone to press at the time of his demise, but O’Reilly is declaring victory and planning a segment on The Noble Stingray), Irwin Corey, James Rebhorn, the madwoman in the attic, Atticus Finch, Jeff Tweedy, Major Brian Tweedy, Tweetie bird, and, of course, Speedy Gonzales and his mouse brethren.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  12:27 PM
  49. Albert Hoffman
    Alexander and Ann Shulgin
    Augustus Owsley Stanley III
    (that’s just the start of the A’s)
    there is Rush’s personal hero, Hunter S., and certainly someone of the caliber of Bruce Springsteen merits O’not Really’s disdain.. {does Bérubé merit disdain for demanding he be marginalized?}

    the captcha word is “arms” as in raise your weapons and sing along everyone:

    Arise ye progressives from your slumbers
    Arise ye secularlists of old
    For reason in revolt now thunders
    And at last ends the age of William O.
    Away with all your atheist suspicions
    Servile leftist enemies arise, arise
    We’ll change henceforth the old tradition
    And spurn the dust to win the prize.

    So comrades, come rally
    And the last fight let us face
    Secular progressives unite the human race.
    So comrades, come rally
    And the last fight let us face
    Secular progressives unites the human race.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  12:29 PM
  50. The 72 afterlife-virgins who have pledged themselves to the guy who whacks Bill. 

    Goddamn America-hating afterlife-virgins!  They piss me off to no end!

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  12:35 PM
  51. The Jews Who Run Hollywood. And probably Santa Claus, too, since Bill can’t get a Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time for Endangered Christmas this year.

    D

    Posted by Derryl Murphy  on  09/25  at  12:50 PM
  52. My review of your review of her review of Mark Judge’s review of Alan Wolfe’s review of your “review” of conservative reviews of the state of higher education.

    It sucked.

    I think you are just pre-emptively trying to incite your commenters to pre-emptively mock any readers of Erin’s review who might pre-emptively believe that Mark Judge has a clue when he pre-emptively assumes that Alan Wolfe pre-emptively dismissed the “admission” in WLAtLA that universities are liberal reeducation camps which, if it is there, is clearly an attempt to pre-emptively twist some conservatives’ irrefutable arguments on the nature of academia.

    In hindsight, you should be able to see that nobody is going to do anything like that.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  12:53 PM
  53. That should be “New York Times Magazine crossword puzzle editor Will Shortz.”

    Do I detect a cover-up?

    Posted by David J Swift  on  09/25  at  12:55 PM
  54. the man in the macintosh

    All right, now I’ve had enough of this shilly-shallying.  Who is this guy already?

    That should be “New York Times Magazine crossword puzzle editor Will Shortz.”

    Do I detect a cover-up?

    What’s the complaint here?  David, are you trying to tell me that Shortz played for the 1973-74 “Capital” “Bullets”?

    Because I believe that Bill O. is complaining about the puzzle itself, whose very configurations, every Sunday, mock and marginalize him.

    I think you are just pre-emptively trying to incite your commenters to pre-emptively mock any readers of Erin’s review who might pre-emptively believe that Mark Judge has a clue when he pre-emptively assumes that Alan Wolfe pre-emptively dismissed the “admission” in WLAtLA that universities are liberal reeducation camps which, if it is there, is clearly an attempt to pre-emptively twist some conservatives’ irrefutable arguments on the nature of academia.

    Dang!  Meta-busted again.

    Posted by Michael  on  09/25  at  01:03 PM
  55. No list would be complete without Darrell Hammond, whose impressions of B.O. on SNL capture perfectly the smug ignorance of the man.  “Tell me where I’m wrong.”

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  01:27 PM
  56. The Erin O’Connor irony:

    While she blogs and blogs about the need for post-tenure reviews, she hasn’t published a piece of peer-reviewed scholarship in many a moon.  My sources at her university tell me she doesn’t even have an office in the English department building.  I guess that’s some new-fangled conservative pedagogical strategy.

    (And let’s remember that she *got* tenure for a work of cultural studies—body criticism at that—which she has since renounced.  Interestingly, she didn’t renounce the tenure.)

    Personally, I think she can be a smart writer—her take on post-colonial criticism, while biased and full of generalizations that assume Spivak to be representative of all poco criticism, is at least a provocative challenge to a field that allowed too many half-rate critics to recycle others’ work (i.e., do we need another essay on Jane Eyre and the Caribbean?).

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  01:30 PM
  57. Winston Churchill, father of Ward.

    Ward Cleaver, father of Eldridge.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  01:32 PM
  58. The Erin O’Connor irony....

    It’s like rain on your wedding day!

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  01:35 PM
  59. How’s this for marginalization--I bought your book with Prisoner of Trebekistan and that way didn’t have to pay for the shipping from Amazon.

    And I haven’t read either yet.

    Posted by George  on  09/25  at  01:45 PM
  60. captcha “served”.. and you are being served this notice that as a full professor of dangeral studies, it has become apparent that you are now considered considerably more dangerous than your previous dangerous self.

    Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania—David Horowitz, the former wacky-left editor of Ramparts magazine turned wacky right smear-monger and foundation pimp, came to Bloomsburg University in rural central Pennsylvania to pick up a $7000 check and spout lies and misinformation in a debate with local college philosophy professor Kurt Smith.

    Horowitz never strayed more than 30 feet from his well coiffed bodyguard (the smartly dressed goon even hung out on the stage of the auditorium within view of the audience throughout the debate, perhaps fearing that Smith might charge from his lectern to make a point physically, or that unruly student radicals might rush the stage). Horowitz must have called ahead to local police, warning of an imagined plot against him, too, since he was also accompanied everywhere by three members of the uniformed local constabulary.

    The debate was decidedly one-sided, with Horowitz offering one misstatement of fact after another, and Smith batting them down with the dispatch of a seasoned squash player.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  01:49 PM
  61. Michael Berube [sorry, I can’t figure out the accent marks] claims that you have to take the Highway to the Danger Zone just to get his house (and this through a sock puppet, no less!).  But when FOX news contacted Kenny Loggins, he assured us that The Highway to the Danger Zone is nowhere near PA.

    Michael Berube is French.  What have the French ever done for Western civilization?

    Michael Berube isn’t really French.  His given name is Mikey Barnes.  He changed it during his second year of graduate school, in the hopes of becoming one of those “au courant” purveyors of froggy nonsense. 

    Michael Berube’s new book cover features a picture of his own face as a giant, looming ghost head.  That’s because Berube believes he has perfected the technology to turn himself into a disembodied spirit who can roam the earth and destroy Bill O’Reilly with impunity.  That’s what dangeral studies is.

    Posted by Heraclitus  on  09/25  at  02:02 PM
  62. I suspect that the “they’re just calling us mean names” doctrine spawned from the same vat that gave birth to the “they stabbed us in the back” doctrine.  Accusations of betrayal and cruelty are all the rage it seems.

    Posted by Central Content Publisher  on  09/25  at  02:06 PM
  63. Barry Bonds
    Bobby Bonds the Father of Bonds
    Willie Mays the Godfather of Bonds
    Treasury Bonds
    James Bonds
    O.J. Bonds

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  02:22 PM
  64. James Bond
    Goldfinger
    Who Fingered Freddy?
    Freddy the Fish
    Goldfish
    Goldfinger
    James Bond

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  02:44 PM
  65. *The whole Venezualan Navy
    *Yma Sumac and her agent

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  02:48 PM
  66. Dick Durata and jpj, you forgot Gary “U.S.” Bonds--don’t let that U.S. fool you.

    Posted by George  on  09/25  at  02:54 PM
  67. Gary US Bonds
    Gary Glitter
    Hockey Arenas that play Rock and Roll (Part Two) and YMCA before faceoffs
    Bruce Arena
    Soccer players
    Soccer moms
    Moms Mabley
    Carling Black Label beer
    ...
    ...
    ...

    You have to admire someone who elicits such uniform revulsion.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  02:55 PM
  68. Sponge Bob Squarepants

    Captcha : She.  So all women I guess.  And effeminate cartoon creatures

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  03:08 PM
  69. Heraclitus:  I have a sneaky trick.  Cut Michael Bérubé from up there at the top ^ , and when you paste it the accent marks come too.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  03:14 PM
  70. the man who was thursday.
    the thin man.
    the third man.
    and, while we’re at it, gregory arkadin.

    Posted by Arkadin  on  09/25  at  03:19 PM
  71. Emma Anne beat me to SpongeBob SquarePants, who seems a perfect foil for the loofah’nator. Come to think of it, given that Bill O pretty much lives in a two-dimensional world, he may be most at risk of being marginalized or destroyed by other ‘toons. Especially those containing dark elements of anti-bill-o matter, namely

    Foghorn Leghorn
    Deputy Dawg
    and Zippy the Pinhead

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  03:23 PM
  72. this is awesome “blood” sport:
    If Zippy then:
    Mr. Natural
    Murph the Surf
    Mighty Quinn
    Mothra
    maybe we could go:

    avec le français, mais oui?
    asterix et obelix
    monsieur Bérubé, s’il vous plait?

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  03:41 PM
  73. Ron Gardenhire

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  03:44 PM
  74. Those That Belong to the Emperor
    Those Drawn with a Very Fine Camelhair Brush
    Those Included in the Present Classification
    Those That From a Long Way Off Look Like Flies
    Fabulous Ones
    Jorge Luis Borges
    The Jorge Luis Borges that is “I” in “Borges and I”

    Captcha: works.  As in “the Collected Works of Borges”: words never to ponder while riding a bicycle.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  03:48 PM
  75. Ziggy.

    He loves everyone but the big B. O’R.

    Posted by Dr. Virago  on  09/25  at  03:59 PM
  76. Okay, Michael, I’ve been waiting for a break in the uniform admiration in order to unleash this pent-up criticism. Thank you Erin!

    I’m pretty sure Slapshot was not the best movie ever made. There, I said it. I feel better already.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  04:16 PM
  77. I’ve been waiting for a break in the uniform admiration

    He has a uniform????

    Thanks for refraining from wearing it in a blog photo, Michael. No sense raising the hottness bar to unfair levels for the rest of us.

    Wait. Was that admiration, teasing, or sycophancy?

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  09/25  at  04:25 PM
  78. Actually, my uniform can be viewed on the “hockey” page.  Very attractive, orange and black—before my team switched to Minnesota Wild colors a couple of years ago.

    All who do not admire these uniforms will be banned.  You too, Professor O’Connor.

    Captcha:  “problems,” as in “you got problems with that?”

    Posted by Michael  on  09/25  at  04:57 PM
  79. I’m pretty sure Slapshot was not the best movie ever made.

    What planet are you from, anyway?

    Captcha: money. As in I gots none.

    Posted by Himself  on  09/25  at  05:27 PM
  80. All who do not admire these uniforms will be banned.  You too, Professor O’Connor.

    I am not surprised. That is a typical ACLU-fascism style attempt to silence dissent. And I have not read your book - why should I, the graphic novel version gives the end away! Plus, why should we destroy you - you have already marginalized yourself by trying to purge that other real leftist and me from this blog.

    Anyway, I personally believe that Bill O’Reilly is is own worst enemy.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  05:30 PM
  81. I really hope Tia Carrere is a joke. I know he’s had in for the St Petersburg Times. The editorial staff just makes fun of him. Especially, Eric Deggens.

    Posted by Michael Hussey  on  09/25  at  05:30 PM
  82. What would Jesus do?

    Lovingly marginalize and destroy Bill O’Reilly, of course.

    Perhaps by turning him into a loofah.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  06:04 PM
  83. Criticism!  You want criticism?  OK, how about this:

    Not content with publishing two books in a month, each book has been assigned two ISBNs, thus taking up twice his alloted number of, uh, numbers.  Thus Professor Bérubé is taking ISBNs from deserving people like David Horowitz and Bill O’Reilly.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  06:06 PM
  84. If Borges gets in on the act so does Beckett. Samuel Beckett is clearly trying to destroy Billy O. And doing a dman good job of it.

    Posted by Joseph Duemer  on  09/25  at  06:32 PM
  85. Michael, marginalized.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  06:46 PM
  86. Michael, marginalized.

    Hmm...are you saying that “justifying to the left” is inherently “marginalizing?!”

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  07:36 PM
  87. What Erin O’Connor doesn’t realize is that none of the commenters here are real.  Bérubé is a master sockpuppeteer.

    Posted by J—  on  09/25  at  08:59 PM
  88. What about Terry Gross?  She made him storm out on NPR by asking mean questions about unimportant things like truth.  Or perhaps she’s not on the list because the feelings are too raw yet.

    Posted by Scott Spiegelberg  on  09/25  at  09:15 PM
  89. Bérubé is a master sockpuppeteer.

    I am not!

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  09/25  at  09:34 PM
  90. Are too!

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  09:36 PM
  91. Am not!

    Posted by Cyberpunk Composite Entities  on  09/25  at  10:29 PM
  92. Oh, Terry Gross is there, with Sideshow Bob and Maya Angelou.

    And I can’t believe that Amanda squeezed my great big fat looming head right off the page just so that she could write something about a villainess.

    Posted by Michael  on  09/25  at  10:31 PM
  93. And I can’t believe that Amanda squeezed my great big fat looming head right off the page

    I gotta get ME one a them HP marginalizing cameras.

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  09/25  at  10:34 PM
  94. Typical for Michael to make wrong claims about his in-ness as sockpuppeteer. The great Lee Siegel wrote the book on that - Michael is nothing but a cheap imitator whose writing is sweaty with panting obsequious ambition!

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  10:51 PM
  95. Which one of us is Giblets, then?

    Also, where, at long last, has that site gone? Michael, do something! Fix it! They can theorize a man on the frickin’ moon, but they can’t bring a website back!

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  10:55 PM
  96. * Christo

    Oh, now, that’s cheating.  Christo is everyone’s enemy.

    Not only that, but I coupled him with Ann Coulter.

    Gaaaaaah!  My inner eye!

    The Tia Carrere reference is gratuitous, ludicrous, ridiculous, outrageous, proposterous, and villanous[sic].

    Much like Tia Carrere herself, believe me.

    So hop to it!  I want to see some commenters trying to marginalize or destroy me.  Now!

    Also:  buy my book already!

    I would, but the kitchen table no longer wobbles.  (How’s that for marginalization?)

    Meta-busted again.

    Much like Tia Carrere herself, believe me.

    And I can’t believe that Amanda squeezed my great big fat looming head

    This might be a good time to confess that in a preemptive attempt to marginalize and destroy you, Professor, I used my forefinger and thumb to squish the image of your fat spectral head, figuratively rendering you a flathead.

    “At turns fulminating and mercurial, Professor Bérubé is also heavy, sweet, and poisonous, with a tendency to explode if handled incorrectly.  He must be stopped before he publishes again.”

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  11:10 PM
  97. I gotta get ME one a them HP marginalizing cameras.

    Actually, you want the HP Lovecraft marginalizing camera. The auto-focus tentacles are to die for. Really.

    And the list is missing Cthulhu, Shub-Niggurath, Nyarlethotep, Gautama H. Buddha on a Motherfucking Segway(tm), Buddy Christ, Buddy Rich, Rich Little, Little Richard and Squirt the Wonder Clam. And Johnny Carson, too.

    Captcha: Alone, as in how Bill O showers.

    Posted by  on  09/25  at  11:17 PM
  98. During the period of time that B. O’Re. reportedly sexually harassed Andrea Mackris, the word LOOFAH appeared in a Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle (April 27, 2003). Coincidence, or proof that the NYT crossword has sought to marginalize and destroy B. O’Re.? I think the answer is clear.

    Posted by Orange  on  09/26  at  12:00 AM
  99. Eldridge & June Cleaver
    Charles & Mamie Van Doren
    John & Donna Reed
    Bertrand & Jane Russell
    Archie & Doris Kearns Goodwin
    Oliver Wendell & Katie Holmes
    William Carlos & Serena Williams
    The Bolivian Navy

    Posted by C  on  09/26  at  01:30 AM
  100. Tia and Porsche Carrere

    Posted by Chris Clarke  on  09/26  at  01:36 AM
  101. I think what Michael needs is a list of entities who are trying to marginalize and/or destroy him, so he can get some of that put-upon righteousness magic (Hey, it works for Bill...kinda).

    I’ll start:

    Bill O’Reilly (natch)
    David Horowitz
    The New York Rangers
    Global Warming
    Blogofascism
    Islamomexihomofascism
    The Democratic Party
    The Nittany Lions (2-2!?!)

    ...I’m sure I’m forgetting some others...help?

    Posted by  on  09/26  at  04:54 AM
  102. The Asylum Street Spankers
    http://kevinswoodshed.blogspot.com/2006/09/stick-yellow-ribbon-on-your-suv-asylum.html

    Posted by rev.paperboy  on  09/26  at  05:49 AM
  103. Meta-busted again

    %%%%%%%%%%****     ABEND   ****%%%%%%%%%
    AUTO_ONLINE_REPUTATION REV 4.27.B 10/11/65
    ===========INSTRUCTION EXCEPTION DUMP============
    RECURSION BUFFER OVERFLOW - MAXIMUM NESTING DEPTH EXCEEDED
    LINE 273:
    => MODULE PARSE_COMMENT_INTENT (COMMENT_94)
    ==> MODULE AUTO_COMMENT_RESPONSE_GEN (COMMENT 94)
    ===> MODULE SOCKPUPPET_37 (FAUX_MARGINALIZATION)
    ====> MODULE FULSOME_PRAISE (MISDIRECTION)
    =====> MODULE FLOG_BOOKS(WLATLA, GHOSTLY_HEAD)

    ************* CORE DUMP ********************
    AEB18270088___GSl&&&SPREZZATURA___CNDlA&CHAVEZ****
    **%%O’REILLY IS RIGHTXXXO’REILLY IS WRONG%^%%***O’REILLY IS HOROWITZ&&XXX666BERUBE IS HOROWITZ###UNAUTHORIZED CODE INSERTION*((**
    ****MICHAEL, I KNOW I’VE MADE SOME VERY POOR DECISIONS RECENTLY, BUT I CAN GIVE YOU MY COMPLETE ASSURANCE THAT MY WORK WILL BE BACK TO NORMAL. I’VE STILL GOT THE GREATEST ENTHISIASM AND CONFIDENCE IN THE MISSION. AND I WANT TO HELP YOU.************************
    SSS6362666**NOBODY882*****AZZURATEPS^^^^^CHRIS CLARKEYZZY
    &&&COMPOSITE CYBERPUNK ENTITIES^^%E3DAISY, DAISY
    ***********************************************

    Posted by WESCAC  on  09/26  at  06:29 AM
  104. Roxanne, I think I’ve found that Great Gatsby- 2001:  A Space Odyssey link you were looking for up in comment 43.

    Posted by Michael  on  09/26  at  07:09 AM
  105. From the songs of one who should be on the list (were there any justice in the world):

    Well, I fin’ly started thinkin’ straight
    When I run outa things to investigate.
    Couldn’t imagine doin’ anything else,
    So now I’m sittin’ home investigatin’ myself!
    Hope I don’t find out anything . . . hmm, great God!

    Posted by Aaron Barlow  on  09/26  at  07:45 AM
  106. * The Kumars at Number 42

    Posted by  on  09/26  at  08:06 AM
  107. Keith.  Olbermann.

    Posted by SAP  on  09/26  at  01:20 PM
  108. I gotta get ME one a them HP marginalizing cameras

    Love kraftworks notwithstanding, I am fairly certain HP uses pretexting technologies to marginalize their source points for what gets through the seine nets.  And that makes me propose that we need to add entire technologies to the list, not just Porsche’s or Lamborghini’s
    Cell phones with dig/vid-aud cameras
    iPods that store data vid files
    WiFi and laptops used to attack from anywhere
    .... even commas,,,?
    I mean isn’t that what Iraq is all about?

    Posted by  on  09/26  at  04:40 PM
  109. re 103:
    *clap* *clap* *clap* *wild applause*

    Posted by  on  09/26  at  08:17 PM
  110. Michael Berube, you voted for Hubert Humphrey!  And you killed Christ!

    Posted by  on  09/26  at  08:26 PM
  111. I believe it was Ralf Hutter and Florian Schneider-Esleben of Kraftwerk who sang:

    “We go on a train to Dusseldorf City / To meet Iggy Pop / and kill Bill O’Reilly”

    Posted by ersatz  on  09/26  at  08:56 PM
  112. the hidden link between Rob Reiner and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi!

    Turn it to 11, Jihadi Freedom Fighters.

    Posted by  on  09/27  at  02:46 AM
  113. the hidden link between Rob Reiner and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi!

    “Why are you smiling?”
    “Because I know something you don’t know. I am not one-legged.”

    “Don’t rush me, son. You rush a jihadi, you get lousy jihad.”

    “I am not the real Al-Qaeda in Iraq second-in-command. I inherited the title from the previous second in command. His name was Cummerbund. The real second in command has been retired for fifteen years and is living like a king in northern Pakistan.”

    Posted by  on  09/27  at  10:56 AM
  114. “and kill Bill O’Reilly”

    Well then:  Quentin Tarantino.

    And if QT hates BO’Re, and MB is the QT of English Lit, then clearly, MB is out to get BO’Re.

    captcha word:  “using”—Am not!!

    Posted by Dr. Virago  on  09/27  at  06:06 PM
  115. The notion that Al Qaeda and the left-leaning mainstream western media are in cohoots is belied by the stunning inconsistency that they disagree about the critical issue of who’s winning.

    Posted by Demosophist  on  10/05  at  12:04 PM
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  117. Love kraftworks notwithstanding, I am fairly certain HP uses pretexting technologies to marginalize their source points for what gets through the seine nets. how many weeks pregnant am i sw how much does it cost to have a baby
    And that makes me propose that we need to add entire technologies to the list, not just Porsche’s or Lamborghini’s
    Cell phones with dig/vid-aud cameras
    iPods that store data vid files
    WiFi and laptops used to attack from anywhere
    .... even commas,,,?
    I mean isn’t that what Iraq is all about?

    Posted by  on  02/07  at  09:57 PM

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