Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Hey American Airspacepeople, do we have a treat for you today! This humble but insanely ambitious blog has scored the very first blog interview with Michael Steele, the new chairman of the Republican National Committee!
MB: Mr. Chairman, welcome to American Airspace. Thanks so much for joining us.
MS: Thanks for having me!
MB: Mr. Chairman, you’re the first African-American to serve as RNC chair. Congratulations! What should we make of this historic moment?
MS: Michael, I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust my party has bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed—why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration of this magnificent party, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you as the leader of the party of Lincoln.
MB: Wow! Stirring words, Mr. Chairman. But isn’t it true that some people are unhappy that you’re taking the helm of the party? How will you work to keep white supremacists in the big tent that is the modern GOP?
MS: Well, you’re talking about a few outliers there, you know. You’ll find those people everywhere on the political spectrum. Take for example the time I was pelted with Oreo cookies by a bunch of bra-burning women’s libbers who were spitting on our servicemen returning from the war. You’ll find I tend to get it from all sides, which probably suggests I’m doing something right.
MB: Good point, Mr. Chairman. So can you say a few words about the new Republican agenda? You must be very excited about kicking it off.
MS: I am indeed very excited. This year we’re going to take a bold new approach to governing: we’re going to vote “no” on whatever Barack Hussein Obama and the Democrat party proposes. Then we’re going to complain that Obama’s attempts at bipartisanship have failed. We’re pretty sure we’ll have the media with us on this—they’ve certainly played ball so far.
MB: Um—and that’s it? Just voting no all the time and then making disingenuous complaints? Really?
MS [laughing]: No, that’s not it. Those are just temporizing measures. We’re actually just biding our time and messing up his stuff until we can impeach him.
MB: Impeach him? For what? I mean, don’t you have to have a reason?
MS: Not necessarily. But don’t worry, we’ll think of something. Look at what we’ve got already: between Daschle and Blagojevich, Obama’s administration is the most corrupt government in American history.
MB: Uh, I don’t think Blagojevich was actually. . . .
MS: Doesn’t matter. The verdict is in, and the Obama presidency has failed. He came in here promising to change the tone, and he trashed the place, and it wasn’t his place. He promised to reach across the aisle, and look what he’s done so far: nothing but vicious attacks on Rush Limbaugh and foot-dragging on the tax cuts Americans need. It’s altogether disgraceful, really, and we’re about to lose our patience with him. We can only take so much, you know.
MB: You’re kidding, right? Tell me you’re kidding.
MS: Hey, don’t take it from me—ask David Broder and Chuck Todd. They’ll tell it to you straight.
MB: But don’t you realize the country is in a terrible financial crisis, a crisis brought about largely by deregulation of the financial sector and free-market extremism?
MS: Yes, yes I do realize this. That’s why we’re calling for sweeping tax cuts to stimulate the economy, instead of the failed pork-barrel spending programs the Democrat party wants to foist on the nation.
MB: Tax cuts? Again? Didn’t you all say eight years ago that we needed tax cuts because we had a budget surplus? And then we needed tax cuts because we were at war? And then we needed tax cuts because the earth was continuing to revolve around the sun?
MS: That’s about right, yes. But see, before you go off with your Democrat talking points, you have to understand that government never created a job. Government never built a mass transit system. Government never passed a law or ran a school or inspected a piece of meat. So this spending bill can’t really be called a “stimulus” bill. It’s just more of the same tired policies that caused FDR to plunge the country into the Great Depression, as the historian Amity Shlaes has pointed out.
MB: OK, uh, what does government do if it doesn’t do any of those things?
MS: You asked so I’ll tell you. Government piles a stack of dollar bills very high. How high? Very. Very high.
MB: Well, this has been a most enlightening conversation, Mr. Chairman. Thank you. But I have to wonder—it sounds as if the GOP really is at a turning point here. It sounds as if you’re talking about the complete and total Palinization of the party.
MS: Oh, definitely! It’s what the people want. Look. This is a real crisis for America. The liberal elites of the Democrat party want to bring in a bunch of “experts” who “know stuff” and are going to try to “fix things.” If they succeed, we’re basically done. Kaput. We’ve built this party on a firm foundation: mocking Obama for telling people to keep their tires inflated, giving creationists and flat-earthers control over U.S. science policy, and reminding hardworking men and women that Al Gore is fat. Hey, we’ve even got Joe the Plumber working as a war correspondent, political analyst, and economic advisor. We can’t have voters turning to knowledgeable people in times like these—we’ve got to win back the hearts and minds of Americans, and make them willing to believe, once again, that Sarah Palin knows more about energy than anyone in the United States; that Rush Limbaugh should have control over 46 percent of the federal budget; and that we had to fight the terrorists over there so as not to fight them over here. And that’s what we’ll be trying to do.
MB: Bring the stupid?
MS: Not precisely. Bring the stupid higher.
MB: Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
MS: No, thank you.