Tuesday, December 13, 2005
From the desk of David Horowitz
More precisely, from the desk of David Horowitz to the website of NewsMax:
Will you help me place the enclosed advertisement in college newspapers across America?
It conveys an important message to all Americans: There are thousands of Ward Churchills indoctrinating students on college campuses from coast to coast!
Thousands! But wait—your graphic says “100 Ward Churchills.” So which is it? Are there 100 Churchills on college campuses, or are there thousands? You shouldn’t play around with powers of ten, David. They’re really tricky! You might wind up with hundreds of thousands of Ward Churchills by some counts, or maybe just one by others.
It really all depends on how intellectually corrupt Discover the Networks is!
You remember Ward Churchill, don’t you? He’s the tenured University of Colorado professor who has written, among other things, that the people in the World Trade Centers deserved to die on September 11, 2001. They were, Churchill said, “little Eichman’s” comparing them to Adolf Hitler’s right-hand butcher!
Well, it’s Eichmann, not Eichman, and he wasn’t the right-hand butcher, and you don’t use an apostrophe to indicate a plural noun. If we don’t correct bad English usage, you know, the terrorists win. But let’s get back to the letter.
One of our most important missions at CSPC is to expose the Ward Churchills of America. And there are many, many more where he came from. That is one reason we worked hard with the support of thousands of Americans to create our Discoverthenetworks.org website.
Or maybe with the support of hundreds of Americans, or maybe just tens of Americans. OK, actually it was just David and his assistants. Never mind. The important point is that there are as many supporters of Discover the Networks as there are Ward Churchills.
Discoverthenetworks.org casts a bright light on the radical left and shows, in detail, the connections between hundreds of radical organizations. We’ve also provided substantial evidence revealing the financial support these groups receive from left-wing foundations, like Ford, MacArthur and Pew, and self-serving billionaires like George Soros and Peter Lewis.
Oh, speaking of the Holocaust! Tony Blankley’s still not sure how that sneaky Soros guy managed to escape it. But now David’s on the case, with the help of a few altruistic billionaires who only want to serve humanity.
I’m hoping you’ll help us prepare for 2006! I want to place this advertisement in at least 250 student newspapers across America over the next 60 days. To do that, the Center must raise $131,250.
Will you help me do that today? Will you take a moment to make a contribution of $25, $35, $50, $100 or even $1,000 to CSPC right now?
We want to open 2006 by getting students, professors, and administrators’ attention: we’re watching radicals on campuses and we’re going to expose them to the public!
In order to defend their academic freedom! Honest! Our Academic Bill of Rights is all in favor of academic freedom.
We know from experience that running ads in 250 student newspapers that nearly 500,000 people will see this ad and be exposed to our Discoverthenetworks.org website.
We know from experience that running ads in 250 student newspapers that? I’m sorry. David is hereby reassigned to Objectively Pro-Saddam University’s remedial Freshman English program. His instructor will be Professor Ward Churchill.
And the first papers we hit will be the hotbed schools for anti-Americanism—schools like Cal-Berkeley, Harvard, Yale, and Columbia!
The Center made tremendous strides against the left this past year. Now we must take advantage of the momentum we’ve generated over the past year and take our battle for our culture to the next level. Discoverthenetworks.org is a vital tool in that battle. . . .
Ah, takin’ it to the Next Level. And just wait ‘til you see what level that is!
What emerges is undeniable proof of the radical left’s anti-American agenda. They’re not anti-war. They just hate America. And they’re camped out in our classrooms spewing their hatred to our young, future leaders.
By placing our ad in student papers across the country we can expect our already popular and useful website’s influence to grow. Frankly, without your support we won’t be able to get into the trenches with the radical left and battle them into submission. That’s why I’m asking for your financial support today.
Yes, the next level is one level down, where David and his army of one will get into the trenches and battle professors into submission. (And if you print out David’s letter and hold it up to the light, you can see that under the word “battle” is the word “bludgeon.”) Let academic freedom reign!
There’s no contradiction here, actually. Submission is freedom. That’s why David’s troops will be welcomed as liberators!
Still, let’s take a closer look at the charge that we’re “spewing our hatred to our young, future leaders” and “indoctrinating students.” (I’m going to leave aside the “camped out in our classrooms” bit, because, c’mon, that’s kind of silly. Everyone knows we only spend six hours a week in our classrooms.) David brings up an important issue here, one that I’ve been thinking about lately. Let’s say that professors really do spew hatred to the young. And let’s say that Churchill provides a perfectly paradigmatic example of the things we spew. What, in practical political terms, has been the effect of Churchill’s profoundly stupid and vile “little Eichmanns” remark? Did it lead to an important “teaching moment” for the left? Has it led thousands, or even tens, of American students and citizens to the conclusion that the World Trade Center dead were, indeed, comparable to the technician of the Holocaust? Has it spawned Departments of Little Eichmann Studies in which far-left professors calculate the precise degree to which the 9/11 dead shared in the responsibility for the events of that day? Or has it led thousands, and even millions, of Americans to the conclusion that O’Reilly, Hannity, and Horowitz are right about college professors? Has it served as the anti-academic right’s Exhibit A and primary recruiting tool, invoked in one state legislature after another when Horowitzian bills are brought to the floor? And has it allowed the right to smear everyone to the left of Joe Lieberman as America-hating, terrorist-sympathizing fanatics?
Back to Horowitz:
Discoverthenetworks.org is doing what the major media won’t: exposing a serious threat to our nation’s well-being, the powerful, well-financed radical anti-America left! I’m counting on you to stand beside me in the months ahead and I look forward to your help today. God bless.
God bless? Excuse me—did somebody sneeze?
Now, as a member of the powerful, well-financed radical extra-adjectival anti-America left, I do know that this is very serious stuff. In fact, I have my very own page on Discover the Networks, so that makes me a Ward Churchill too! Though I’m still waiting for my standard-issue black beret, aviator-frame sunglasses, and rifle. I think they’ll look boss.
But I’m not going to discuss Discover the Battle of the Anti-American Network Stars this time around, because, as some of you know, I
earlier this year, and in so doing, provided thousands (really, thousands!) of readers with well-deserved Horowitz mockery. And when I was finally honored with my own page, complete with its weirdly blurry photo, I respectfully read it through and paid careful attention to every last one of its distortions and misstatements.
No, instead of trying to drive David to the next level of batshit insane (this would be level thirty-one in the thirty-three Masonic levels of wingnut batshit insanity), I’m simply going to direct you to John Holbo’s Discover the Nutwork, where you can learn about the links between Leo Strauss and Sideshow Bob . . .
. . . Grover Norquist and Grover . . .
. . . Tom DeLay and Red Skull . . .
and most crucially, David Horowitz and Zod!
Folks, I will need $131,249.95 over the next 56 days in order to place “Discover the Nutwork” ads in campus newspapers around the country. Obviously, I can’t do it alone, because unlike David, I don’t have the backing of crazed reclusive far-right billionaires like Richard Mellon Scaife (part owner of NewsMax! Hey, talk about discovering the networks!). I need your help, dear readers, as I’ve never needed it before. Will you take a moment to give me $25, $35, $50, $100 or even $1,000 right now? I’m counting on you to stand beside me in the months ahead—or, to be more exact, to stand far away from me and watch me as I pocket the cash.