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Monday, August 09, 2010

You gotta have a strong constitution

It is becoming increasingly clear that the illegal al-Obama X Administration* is flouting the original intentions of the framers of the Constitution.  Moreover, as cutting-edge conservative legal scholarship has shown, many of the post-Reconstruction amendments to the Constitution contravene the intentions of the Founding Fathers.  Most alarming of all, however, Tea Party Patriots™ have recently discovered that the Constitution itself does not understand the true original intentions of its framers.

It’s all very confusing, we know.  So in order to keep things straight, we here at American Airspace have decided to offer this handy summary of the 2010 GOP Platform on Amending the Amendments to the Constitution:

First Amendment.  Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise of the Christian religion; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.  All but the first of the foregoing clauses may be refudiated in times of dire Emergency.  Most importantly, the right of conservatives to speak without being criticized for their views shall be respected at all times.

Second Amendment.  The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.  Perhaps this should be in ALL CAPS.

Third through Seventh Amendments.  These are badly outdated and no one really cares about them anyway.

Eighth Amendment.  Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, unless there be a Ticking Time Bomb, or the possibility of such is equal to or greater than one Percent.

Ninth Amendment.  This one can stay.

Tenth Amendment.  The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people, lest there be any attempt to ram “health care” down their Throats.

Eleventh and Twelfth Amendments.  Bo-ring.

Secret Thirteenth Amendment, recently discovered by Nicolas Cage.  If any citizen of the United States shall accept, claim, receive or retain any title of nobility or honor, such as a subscription to Esquire, or shall, without the consent of Congress accept and retain any present, pension, office or emolument of any kind whatever, such as a Nobel Prize, from any emperor, king, prince or foreign power, such person, we are looking at you, Barack Hussein al-Obama X, shall cease to be a citizen of the United States, if indeed you ever were, and shall be incapable of holding any office of trust or profit under them, or either of them.

Other Thirteenth Amendment.  It would be unlucky to have two Thirteenth Amendments.

Fourteenth Amendment.  1.  All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside, except persons born to Illegals. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws, unless such person wants to marry another person of the same sex or unless such law or such deprivation is determined to be really really necessary (see “dire Emergency,” above).

2.  The Confederate flag shall be recognized and revered as a symbol of Southern heritage and pride.

Fifteenth Amendment.  Oh, all right already, you people can vote.  Just stop your whining.  And what are you all doing with cellular telephones, if you’re so “poor?”

Sixteenth Amendment.  Revised to read, simply, taxation is theft.

Seventeenth Amendment.  Crossed out with a big black magic marker.

Nineteenth Amendment.  Under further review (no, seriously).

Twenty-fourth Amendment.  Repealed.  Freedom isn’t free, you know.

OK, now you’re all caught up on the latest developments in True Original Constitutional Intentionalism!  Don’t forget, people– vote Tea Party™ in November, and take your country back!


*Because the al-Obama X Administration was installed in the White House by the JournoListers of Bilderberg, the “election” of 2008 is null and void under natural law.

Posted by Michael on 08/09 at 08:14 AM
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