Monday, February 09, 2004
In surprise move, Al-Qaeda endorses Bush
SOMEWHERE NEAR KANDAHAR, Afghanistan-- An anonymous Al-Qaeda official today announced that the shadowy terrorist organization would support George Bush against any of his Democratic rivals in 2004. “Ordinarily we do not endorse American presidential candidates,” said the official, “especially so early in your primary season before California and New York have weighed in. But we felt we could not ignore the challenge issued by your Rush Limbaugh and echoed on the following day by his subaltern, your James Lileks.”
On his February 4 radio show, Limbaugh had asked, “which candidate do you think Al-Qaeda might root for in this election, John Kerry (should he be the Democratic nominee), or George W. Bush?” As blogger “No More Mister Nice Blog” pointed out, Lileks wrote, “who do you think Al Qaeda wants to win the election?” on the following day.
“It is a fair question,” said the anonymous Al-Qaeda official, “and we are very flattered. No one had ever asked us for our opinion about American presidential contests before now. But we must say that Bush is the man for us, without a doubt. At first we were not sure. After America defeated the Taliban in 2001, we had no friendly government to support us, and we feared that Bush would pursue us further. But we are most pleased to see that he has instead listened to your Richard Perle and your Richard Cheney, and undertaken this most foolish war and occupation in Iraq. Quite honestly, we were on the ropes there for a while. The membership drive was sputtering, and our pledge week on Public Islamist Radio was not going so well either, even though we offered our listeners ‘Osama Lives!’ tote bags for a nominal contribution. But now, thanks to your diverting war in Iraq, we have all the recruits we will need for quite some time.”
The official also noted that the Bush Administration’s propensity for alienating American allies played a key role in Al-Qaeda’s endorsement. “We could not have hoped for more,” he said. “It is hard to imagine how one man could do so much damage to America’s intelligence credibility and international reputation in just the two and a half years since the French said they were all Americans now. But never mind France and Germany-- today, even Canada and Turkey are not returning American phone calls. It is a glorious thing to see, far better than we could have expected in our final days in the caves of Tora Bora.”
The Al-Qaeda official hastened to point out that his organization’s endorsement of Bush did not amount to an attack on John Kerry, the likely Democratic nominee. “We do have our reservations about Kerry,” said the official. “He is not a credible opponent of your ‘special interests,’ and he sometimes appears very aloof from your people. Also there is the question of whether he is using your Botox in order to appear more photogenic. So we have never been able to get ‘fired up’ about him one way or the other. Still, he is very strong in foreign policy and can very likely rebuild some of your damaged alliances. We have no worries on that score about George Bush.”
In a related development, a broad alliance of Islamist terror organizations and Shi’ite clerics is expected to endorse President Bush’s opposition to gay marriage by early next week.