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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Let’s get physical

So yesterday I finally got to see my doctor – for the first time in three years.  You know how it goes:  you call to make an appointment in September, and you get an appointment first thing February.  And then, to make matters worse, it turned out that I had an MLA meeting that very day in February, and had to ask to reschedule.  So I got pushed back to April 11.  It’s a good thing I don’t live in one of those leftist countries where people have to wait in long lines because of all that socialized medicine!  That would suck.

Not that I was really looking forward to this visit, mind you.  It was supposed to be a routine thing, just a checkup from the guy who writes the prescriptions for my asthma medication.  “It doesn’t make sense,” he said three years ago, “that you can play back-to-back hockey games one day and you’re not moving any air the next.  We’ve got to get you stabilized.” So he wrote me three prescriptions, I started taking them every day, and I haven’t had a respiratory event since.  (Thanks, doc!) But Janet, the Ph.D.-who-is-a-former-R.N., has been bugging me for these past three years to get a colonoscopy.  “Not right now,” I said over the weekend, “I’m arguing with David Horowitz.”

“But wouldn’t you rather have a colonoscopy?” she asked.

“Hmm,” I hmmed.  “Do you have a coin on you?  OK.  Heads.”

Now, some of you may remember that James Wolcott put up a finely crafted post about his colonoscopy last December, not only sharing with us the pleasures of the Demerol drip but setting the bar very, very high for all future colonoscopy blogging.  So as I ran from one meeting to another yesterday afternoon, trying frantically to get some campus business done before my 3 pm doctor’s appointment, I was dreading the idea that I would have to ask my doctor to arrange a colonoscopy – and trying to figure out whether I wanted to compete against Wolcott for the coveted 2005 Koufax Award for Best Post about the Gastrointestinal Tract.

Here’s the good news:  you will be spared any further mention of colonoscopies on this vastly-relieved blog until the year 2011.  My doctor looked me over, noted that I’d lost twenty pounds since 2002, listened to my lungs, did a quick physical, and pronounced me in excellent health – fitter at 43 than I’d been at 40.  “What was my resting heart rate?” I asked, worried that I’d arrived in such a rush that I put up some high numbers.  “Sixty-two,” he replied.  Boo-yeah.  But what was up with the 155/95 blood pressure?  “Well,” I explained, “I’ve been arguing with David Horowitz, you see, and I . . . .”

“Ah,” he replied. “You have to cut that out and cut that out now.  Here,” he said, opening the cuff again, “stop thinking about that stuff and relax.” The result?  120 over 60.  Cool.  In fact, I was so pleased with my general health and well-being that I went home and ordered a pesto pizza with sausage for dinner.  Mmmm – pesto pizza with sausage.  And then this morning, Jamie had some for breakfast.  Nature’s most complete food, you know, perfect any time of the day or night.

Coming tomorrow: I admit to having been wrong about something.

Posted by Michael on 04/12 at 06:38 PM
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