Friday, December 17, 2004
Merry &%@*ing Christmas!
They warned me this would happen back when I was in boot camp at Focus on the Family, but I didn’t believe them. “You will need to gird your loins for the attack on Christmas,” they said. ”Jacob Grinchstein and all his liberal friends in the media, the banks, and the intelligentsia are gearing up for an all-out assault on our Christian nation. First they came after Mel Gibson, and now they’re planning to take the Baby Jesus away from us.”
“Oh, come on,” I said at the time. “Next you’ll be telling me that they use the Baby Jesus’ blood to make matzohs.”
“No, they don’t do that anymore,” I was told. “Today they’re much more indirect and insidious-- they’re forbidding us even to say the word ‘Christmas,’ and they’re forcing your kid to sing ‘dreidel dreidel dreidel’ and make menorahs in your public school. Then when we call them on it, they hide behind Santa and start singing contentless ‘holiday’ music like ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.’”
“I dunno,” I said, still skeptical. “I mean, I’m pretty much surrounded by Christmas stuff everywhere I go, full of Jesus this and Jesus that. Jamie’s last ‘holiday’ concert included things like ‘Angels We Have Heard on High,’ there are creches on every church lawn, and that ‘Peanuts’ special is downright evangelical. And now that you bring it up, I have to say I don’t really understand why you folks feel so persecuted all the time. You’re always complaining that you’re not allowed to testify to your religious faith in public, when in fact, as Richard Rorty put it in his essay on Stephen Carter’s The Culture of Disbelief, an atheist can’t get elected to any office higher than that of dogcatcher in this country.” Well, that was just about the last thing I said to anybody at Focus on the Family! They don’t even like to hear the name of Richard Rorty out there, much less a citation of one of his atheist arguments.
And now here I am back in Pennsylvania, one month later, forced to admit that they were right and I was wrong. Christmas is under attack, and loyal Americans must fight to save it! It’s time to remind the infidels and agnostics that the mother-lovin’ Prince of Peace can kick their asses all the way to Gehenna! So this Christ-Mas season, get in the face of some pushy, hook-nosed anti-Christmas agitator near you, and say, ‘Merry My-God-Became-Flesh-And-Yours-Didn’t-Day, you un-American slimeball. Why don’t you just take your little ‘civil liberties’ someplace else.’”
Oh, and while I’m on the subject, I just finished Philip Roth’s The Plot Against America. A fine, vividly rendered narrative of strong leadership in a time of national crisis! It reminded me of the theme song to All in the Family, especially the line, “Mister, we could use a man like Charles Lindbergh again.” Fortunately, we’ve got one!