Saturday, November 12, 2005
Mister Answer Man: Special Keystone State Edition
Dear Mr. Answer Man: While you were being airlifted to temporary safety in Michigan, your fair Commonwealth was much in the news. The University of Pittsburgh hosted hearings on “liberal bias” at the state’s public universities; President Katrina lashed out at pesky liberal skeptics who keep suggesting that the Administration lied to the American people about the rationale for war in Iraq; the Young Americans for Freedom at your very own campus erected a Berlin Wall to protest the Communist introdoctrination for which Penn State is famous; and the Reverend Pat Robertson warned that the town of Dover might be consumed by a plague of locusts or boils as the result of God’s wrath at the recent defeat of school board members who support the teaching of Intelligent Design.
Do you think it’s safe for you to leave the state again? Don’t you have a responsibility to the sane citizens of Pennsylvania to stay home and serve as a First Ideological Responder? —W. Penn, Orbisonia, PA
Mister Answer Man replies: Are you kidding me? Orbisonia? Don’t make me look up your IP address, Mr. Penn. There can’t really be a town in Pennsylvania called Orbisonia. Next you’ll be telling me that there’s a town called Nanty Glo.
As for my travels: yes, it’s true that the forces of the Right—from conservative students to the National Association of Scholars to doddering Christian jihadists to the President himself—read this blog regularly and schedule their local uprisings for days on which I’m otherwise occupied. Ordinarily I wouldn’t care, because there’s really nothing I can do about it, but this time the consequences have been severe: according to my sources, sometime early this morning, Dover, Pennsylvania was wiped from the face of the earth by an angry God. I am not sure that I could have done anything to stave off His righteous wrath, being mortal and all, but perhaps if I’d been home yesterday I could have warned people in the area that the Almighty does indeed attend to off-year school board elections (omniscience, you know), and that based on the early exit polls, he would surely smite the infidels and evolutionists before the weekend was out.
My apologies to the people of Dover and their loved ones who live elsewhere.
Dear Mr. Answer Man: Aren’t you going to receive your two millionth visitor today? Aren’t you excited about this milestone? Don’t you remember what a big fuss you made over visitor one million, back in April? And if it took you fifteen months to get to one million and only another seven to get to two million, won’t your readership continue to increase exponentially until you achieve world domination by 2009, as you have long hoped? —C. Eames, Powers of Ten, Nevada
Mister Answer Man replies: That’s not one question, Mr. Eames. That’s four questions, and I think that’s really annoying. Still, here goes. First question first: yes. Third question second: yes. Fourth question third: I hope so! And second question last: not really.
Dear Mr. Answer Man: Not really? —C. Eames, Powers of Ten, Nevada
Mister Answer Man replies: No, not really.
Dear Mr. Answer Man: How come? —C. Eames, Powers of Ten, Nevada
Mister Answer Man replies: Because yesterday morning, Jamie reached a much more important milestone: while I was in Ann Arbor, he traveled down to Villanova with his Special Olympics volleyball team. Without Janet. That’s right, he made his first-ever solo road trip without a family member accompanying him. And this morning, Janet and I woke up to an empty house for the first time since 1986.
Dear Mr. Answer Man: Holy shit! And he’ll be off by himself all weekend, at the tender age of fourteen? —C. Eames, Powers of Ten, Nevada
Mister Answer Man replies: No, I’m driving down to Villanova in about half an hour to meet him.
Dear Mr. Answer Man: Cool! Just stay in the state this time, all right? —W. Penn, Orbisonia, PA
Mister Answer Man replies: Will do. And I’ll be back tomorrow with an important announcement.